Hi,<BR>This site was recommended to me by someone on another site. I am so confused right now. He cheated, she says she's pregnant, and she's a real wacko.(Stalker, fatal attraction,etc.} Still love my husband, want to make the marriage work, but I am so angry at him for all the changes this will make in our lives if she is really pregnant, and if it turns out to be his. We have never been well-to-do, mostly paycheck-to-paycheck. This just really ticks me off. I want to yell and scream at him "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, TO US, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!" How can we resolve this feelings on both sides are pretty raw, but we love each other, and want to make it work. Am I allowed to be angry at him, or am I just being selfish? Help me, please!!

Ktgirl,<BR>Welcome!!! Any feelings that you are feeling are never wrong. What your husband has done has hurt you to the core like all of us. This hurts badly Ktgirl. You have unfortunately just begun this journey but I am happy you have found this forum. There are some wonderful strong women who can offer you advice, insight and strength. One day at a time Ktgirl. God bless

Thanks, <BR>I just don't know what to do. I know he and I need to talk through all this, but I can't do it without getting angry or crying. I'm just so p****d!!! Sometimes I can deal with it, others, I just want to curl up and die. He doesn't want to talk about it, he gets angry, because he can't stand her and she won't leave him alone. How are we going to get through this if he refuses to talk?

ktgirl,<P>welcome, i am glad you found the site, i was "ifeelsick" on the other board. here, i am happygirl. hope you find lots of support here. i sure have. when i first found this site, i read thru the past posts and then you get a feel for who some of the regulars are. everyone here is wonderful, and we are here to help. take sometime to read some of the stories here. and again welcome to our "club" although i know we would all rather not be a member...<P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl

Dear ktgirl:<P>I am so sorry you are here but we welcome you and hope you will find the strength, encouragement and guidance we have all found here. We all know and understand completely what you are feeling and what you are going through.<P>You are in the early stages and so is your husband. Don't be surprised if he is unwilling to talk to you about this at first, you will find there are predictable processes and common traits that we all have shared with our spouses.<P>Your husband is obviously in love with you and wants to get through this and regrets his devastating mistake. He will come to learn what it is he needs to do if you get familiar with what it is that you must do to bring you back together and repair your marriage.<P>It can be done. Most of us here are surviving and in recovery. Depending on where you are in discovery will dictate what will probably happen next. Read the posts here and go back as far as you can and get familiar with the others on this site and their stories.<P>Come here to vent, to cry, to rejoice and share experiences. We are all here for each other and very close knit and we are here for you to help you get through this.<P>Read all of Harley's principles until you understand them and follow these principles to the letter and get guidance here from the others on this site.<P>I have been here since May 99 and have gone through discovery, withdrawal, roncilliation and recovery, had set backs and victories and facing incredible challenges. I was like you when I arrived here...enraged one moment, profoundly sad and so lonely the next, confused and had a terrible edge to me. Bitter, resentful...all the things you are feeling. Frightened and worried about my marriage and the future. Deeply in love with my husband and feeling so betrayed and hartbroken that he was capable of such atrocities.<P>Slowly, I learned the principles and applied them to my life, did all the things I was supposed to, brought him back from the brink and he eventually opened his heart to me and appreciated that I stayed in it for the long haul. In spite of all our problems, he is loving, remorseful and has made huge concessions to me to make things up to me for all the damage and destruction. We are facing the challenges and the OW/OC issue together and though the pain is still there, it has diminshed somewhat. It does get better. <P>Like I have said before, I don't know what I would have done if this would have happeend to me before this site was created for us. Divine providence brought you here. Let us help..you are NOT alone.<P>Catnip =^^=

ktgirl - welcome the people in this forum are so very helpful and this has helped keep me on the correct path when my impulses have wanted to go the wrong way. Post here and you will get good guidance and a feeling of strength. What you are going through is terrible. If this person is as flaky as you say then be careful. Remember there are DNA tests to support or dispute her claim. The Harley'd say when the OW acts really desparate it is usually because the WS ended the affair. Use these sites to help you and take care.<BR> Kris

ktgirl,<P>see, they are coming out to help! weekends are sometimes slow around here, so don't get discouraged. the whole marriage builders site is wonderful. the concepts of dr. harleys are pretty interesting. i read a book called infidelity the forgivable sin when i first found out about the affair and it helped me immensely. i have yet to read dr. harleys books but am thinking about getting his needs/her needs. we have worked thru the actual affair, it is just all the child support/ OC issues i am stressed out about now. the OC is almost 3. so, just wanted to say hi. take care.<P>happygirl

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by happy_girl:<BR><B>ktgirl,<P>welcome, i am glad you found the site, i was "ifeelsick" on the other board. here, i am happygirl. hope you find lots of support here. i sure have. when i first found this site, i read thru the past posts and then you get a feel for who some of the regulars are. everyone here is wonderful, and we are here to help. take sometime to read some of the stories here. and again welcome to our "club" although i know we would all rather not be a member...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Happygirl,<P>Thanks for recommending this site to me. I am still getting a lot of action on the other site too, but I definitely had all legal matters laid out. My husband doesn't want any contact with the child if it's his, which I think is a mistake. OTOH, I am not too thrilled about the idea of having OW in our lives, she's already there too much anyway, but my satisfaction comes by the fact that when she tracks him down these days, I am by his side. I even flipped her off and called her the "C" word last time. Childish, yes, fulfilling, DEFINITELY!!!!! I sent a message in the only way I could to tell her that if she thought I was going to make it easy on her, she was wrong. She's made my life lately a living hell, and I have vowed to do the same for her. It didn't work when she tried to get me fired by saying she was scared I would run over her with my forklift. I had been there almost two years and was one of the best operators they've had, so her little plan didn't work. When she figured out she was fighting a losing battle, she just stopped coming to work. I guess she thought I'd quit when she started out there, but I have way too many friends there, and I wasn't about to leave the best job I had on her account. Any contact I've had with her, I've made sure that she knows, in no uncertain terms, that I have no intentions of relinquishing anything I have to her. I don't even have to say a word. If OC is his, this won't change my attitude in the least. I know the OW is a witch, but I still feel he should try to maintain contact with the OC if it's his. I think he will regret it later on in life if he freezes the child out because of the slut. This child did not ask to be born, and should not be punished because it was. Am I right?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leelee:<BR><B>Ktgirl,<BR>Welcome!!! Any feelings that you are feeling are never wrong. What your husband has done has hurt you to the core like all of us. This hurts badly Ktgirl. You have unfortunately just begun this journey but I am happy you have found this forum. There are some wonderful strong women who can offer you advice, insight and strength. One day at a time Ktgirl. God bless </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thanks for the welcome Leelee. I am also glad that I was referred to this site. I just may get through this after all. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>Dear ktgirl:<P>I am so sorry you are here but we welcome you and hope you will find the strength, encouragement and guidance we have all found here. We all know and understand completely what you are feeling and what you are going through.<P>You are in the early stages and so is your husband. Don't be surprised if he is unwilling to talk to you about this at first, you will find there are predictable processes and common traits that we all have shared with our spouses.<P>Your husband is obviously in love with you and wants to get through this and regrets his devastating mistake. He will come to learn what it is he needs to do if you get familiar with what it is that you must do to bring you back together and repair your marriage.<P>It can be done. Most of us here are surviving and in recovery. Depending on where you are in discovery will dictate what will probably happen next. Read the posts here and go back as far as you can and get familiar with the others on this site and their stories.<P>Come here to vent, to cry, to rejoice and share experiences. We are all here for each other and very close knit and we are here for you to help you get through this.<P>Read all of Harley's principles until you understand them and follow these principles to the letter and get guidance here from the others on this site.<P>I have been here since May 99 and have gone through discovery, withdrawal, roncilliation and recovery, had set backs and victories and facing incredible challenges. I was like you when I arrived here...enraged one moment, profoundly sad and so lonely the next, confused and had a terrible edge to me. Bitter, resentful...all the things you are feeling. Frightened and worried about my marriage and the future. Deeply in love with my husband and feeling so betrayed and hartbroken that he was capable of such atrocities.<P>Slowly, I learned the principles and applied them to my life, did all the things I was supposed to, brought him back from the brink and he eventually opened his heart to me and appreciated that I stayed in it for the long haul. In spite of all our problems, he is loving, remorseful and has made huge concessions to me to make things up to me for all the damage and destruction. We are facing the challenges and the OW/OC issue together and though the pain is still there, it has diminshed somewhat. It does get better. <P>Like I have said before, I don't know what I would have done if this would have happeend to me before this site was created for us. Divine providence brought you here. Let us help..you are NOT alone.<P>Catnip =^^=</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you so much Catnip. I've needed this place. I just wish I knew how much time it's going to take for him to be able to discuss this without him getting angry. Ignoring it won't make it go away, and the baby is due in November so we need to be started on it way before then. He doesn't want a relationship with OC, which I think is wrong. It will be his only biological child if it's his, and I feel he will regret later on if he cuts it out of his life. I am certainly not looking forward to having to deal with OW all the time, but I don't feel the child should be ignored because of the (and I use the term loosely) "mother". A wrong has already been done, another one won't make it right. Am I right? I will read the things you have recommended. Maybe I will be able to start sorting this thing out. Thanks for the welcome. I have a feeling you will be hearing a lot from me here.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by quakermom321:<BR><B>ktgirl - welcome the people in this forum are so very helpful and this has helped keep me on the correct path when my impulses have wanted to go the wrong way. Post here and you will get good guidance and a feeling of strength. What you are going through is terrible. If this person is as flaky as you say then be careful. Remember there are DNA tests to support or dispute her claim. The Harley'd say when the OW acts really desparate it is usually because the WS ended the affair. Use these sites to help you and take care.<BR> Kris</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Dear Kris,<P>Thanks for the welcome. I am trying to be careful. This whole thing is so tricky because the OW is a certified and medicated whack job. That and husband gets angry and upset when we try to discuss this. I know he feels bad, but hiding won't make it go away. Baby is due in November, so we don't have much time to get ourselves straightened out. I think it will help us to show unity if we have discussed this, and come to some kind of resolution in our relationship regarding this. I know this will all take time. I just feel we need to strengthen our relationship, so this outside thing won't blow us apart. Thanks again<P>

ktgirl:<P>I am impressed. You're fresh out of the gate with this horrible dilemma, yet you are light years ahead of me, an old veteran by now. <P>Your attitude and your big heart towards the OC is truly evolved. I am not like you. Though I know the OC is innocent, I cannot have it in my life...at this time, at least. My husband wants nothing to do with it and if he did, I would most likely be gone.<P>We are not nearly 'healed' enough in our own marriage to take on a relationship with the OC. Even though we are in recovery, I just don't have it in me to include the OC for a myriad of reasons. Our grown children (his 2, my 1)do not know about it, and will not know about it until the time comes that we are forced to reveal it.<P>I know many here may think I am dead wrong about this, but some can take it and some cannot.<P>By nature, I am not a *****y person or hard-hearted. In fact I am extremely empathetic and loving. My pain is so deep that I cannot reconcile the OC in my life as I cannot have a child with my husband and I deal daily with my jealousy over this. I know I wouldn't be able to stand looking at the child. But that's me.<P>Since this is the case, it would not be fair to subject the OC to my limitations. In addition to this, a priest once let me off the hook by explaining to my husband and me that we have absolutely no obligation to the OC except financial. Our first responsiblity is to the marriage and to each other.<P>I want things back as close as they can get to the way it was. <P>If your husband wants nothing to do with the OC, I hope you will not force the issue upon him. Let him make his own decision about it then discuss it with you before anyone does anything about it. Adhere to the Policy of Joint Agreement.<P>I know there are men on this site that have welcomed their wive's OC into their lives and are raising it as their own. They are remarkable people and have my admiration and respect. In most cases, the OM is no longer in the picture in any way which makes it far, far easier to accept the OC because the person responsible for ruining their marriage is gone. <P>In most of the cases here where it is the women who are married to men who have OC's, that means an OW is lurking in the shadows.<P>Because they are the 'mothers', the bond in most cases prevents them from relinquishing their parental rights. In fact these OW's KEEP the child even though they cannot afford them and know that their child will probably go through life without a father. So, involvement with the OC means Big Baggage.... the OW. There's court, expensive lawyers, income shares extracted from our households and the OW calling all the time to get 'daddy' involved.<P>Every couple is different with different issues and histories. Take time to carefully assess the situation and listen to your heart and make sure you are welcoming the OC into your lives for the right reasons and not for revenge or other motives. If it is truly about caring for the OC, then perhaps your husband will come around in time.<P>Good luck and God bless...you are very kind and generous...<P>catnip =^^=

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>ktgirl:<P>I am impressed. You're fresh out of the gate with this horrible dilemma, yet you are light years ahead of me, an old veteran by now. <P>Your attitude and your big heart towards the OC is truly evolved. I am not like you. Though I know the OC is innocent, I cannot have it in my life...at this time, at least. My husband wants nothing to do with it and if he did, I would most likely be gone.<P>We are not nearly 'healed' enough in our own marriage to take on a relationship with the OC. Even though we are in recovery, I just don't have it in me to include the OC for a myriad of reasons. Our grown children (his 2, my 1)do not know about it, and will not know about it until the time comes that we are forced to reveal it.<P>I know many here may think I am dead wrong about this, but some can take it and some cannot.<P>By nature, I am not a *****y person or hard-hearted. In fact I am extremely empathetic and loving. My pain is so deep that I cannot reconcile the OC in my life as I cannot have a child with my husband and I deal daily with my jealousy over this. I know I wouldn't be able to stand looking at the child. But that's me.<P>Since this is the case, it would not be fair to subject the OC to my limitations. In addition to this, a priest once let me off the hook by explaining to my husband and me that we have absolutely no obligation to the OC except financial. Our first responsiblity is to the marriage and to each other.<P>I want things back as close as they can get to the way it was. <P>If your husband wants nothing to do with the OC, I hope you will not force the issue upon him. Let him make his own decision about it then discuss it with you before anyone does anything about it. Adhere to the Policy of Joint Agreement.<P>I know there are men on this site that have welcomed their wive's OC into their lives and are raising it as their own. They are remarkable people and have my admiration and respect. In most cases, the OM is no longer in the picture in any way which makes it far, far easier to accept the OC because the person responsible for ruining their marriage is gone. <P>In most of the cases here where it is the women who are married to men who have OC's, that means an OW is lurking in the shadows.<P>Because they are the 'mothers', the bond in most cases prevents them from relinquishing their parental rights. In fact these OW's KEEP the child even though they cannot afford them and know that their child will probably go through life without a father. So, involvement with the OC means Big Baggage.... the OW. There's court, expensive lawyers, income shares extracted from our households and the OW calling all the time to get 'daddy' involved.<P>Every couple is different with different issues and histories. Take time to carefully assess the situation and listen to your heart and make sure you are welcoming the OC into your lives for the right reasons and not for revenge or other motives. If it is truly about caring for the OC, then perhaps your husband will come around in time.<P>Good luck and God bless...you are very kind and generous...<P>catnip =^^= </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip,<BR> Thanks for the wonderful words. I really needed to hear them right now. I am having a kind of down time right now. I won't force him, that would take far to much strength on my part, and beleive me, it's all I can do to just keep head above water. My resolve is wavering a bit right now. I don't know if I have the strength to do this. I really want to make this marriage work, but he has gotten into this overly "needy" stage where he wants me to always be there for him, and I don't feel he's being there for me. I mean we are always together, but we aren't talking about things. I need reassurance, but I feel like he's just thinking that if he's bend-over-backwards nice all the time, that's all I should need. I don't know. Maybe it's just me and I'm going through something hormonal right now. Sometimes I am determined and I can see it working out, other times, I don't know why I am even bothering. I'm scared, I wonder if it will happen again, even though he says it won't. He says he realizes all the pain he's caused me, and he can't stand the thought of being without me in his life, because he does love me. I just don't know if I can beleive him anymore. I try, and sometimes I do, but other times, I don't feel sure. Is this normal? Am I going to go through this wishy washy stage through the whole thing? It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it drives me nuts. I do want things to work. I do want to fight for my marriage. I know this. Is this fluctuating strength thing just a reaction to my unresolved feelings? You said I was light years ahead, but I don't really feel that way. He and I can't have children, so if this is his child, I want him to be there for it, since it will be his only bio child. But it is his decision, and I will abide by what he says. I just want us to be happy again, although I know our relationship will be changed forever because of this. We can be, but I feel we both need to be totally honest and get this all out of our systems. Hopefully, he'll realize that too.<P>

ktgirl- hi! hope all is going better for you. how are you and you H doing? sorry i caused a ruckus on your post on the other board, i didn't mean to, but i get so mad and only see the OW as she is in my situation. i only seem to see things in my way right now, but sorry i caused so much comments off the subject to your post. that is why i am writing here, don't want to waste anymore words there. i was probably off base, but i am extremely emotional and sometimes say things that are just my opinion. thanks for defending me though. take care and glad you are finding good info on this site and that your H is reading the stuff too. i want to get that his needs/her needs book soon. i guess i should just order it online...<P>well, take care and keep your chin up. seems like you do a good job of that, but just some encouragement if you need it.<P>happy_girl

Hi Ktgirl, I have been on this post since January. This is a wonderful site. My H has bonded with OC. I want him to continue to be in the OC life (if he is the father). Learned last night that he has been calling to find out how OC is, but has not gotten any response. H currently working in TX, we live in GA.<BR>By agreeing to let H see him has help me. I have not accept the suitation, but have learn to deal with it and not dwell on things too long. Because the longer I dwell it, the worst I feel.<BR>If you want things to work out and have faith that it will, then things will work our. There is always sunshine after the rain.<P>Take care! ITS<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by happy_girl:<BR><B>ktgirl- hi! hope all is going better for you. how are you and you H doing? sorry i caused a ruckus on your post on the other board, i didn't mean to, but i get so mad and only see the OW as she is in my situation. i only seem to see things in my way right now, but sorry i caused so much comments off the subject to your post. that is why i am writing here, don't want to waste anymore words there. i was probably off base, but i am extremely emotional and sometimes say things that are just my opinion. thanks for defending me though. take care and glad you are finding good info on this site and that your H is reading the stuff too. i want to get that his needs/her needs book soon. i guess i should just order it online...<P>well, take care and keep your chin up. seems like you do a good job of that, but just some encouragement if you need it.<P>happy_girl</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Happy_girl:<P> Expressing an opinion is never wrong. I am not always as sensitive as I should be at times, but it's okay. We are all human. I will post more but H is here and he gets upset easy. Later<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ktgirl:<BR><B> Happy_girl:<P> Expressing an opinion is never wrong. I am not always as sensitive as I should be at times, but it's okay. We are all human. I will post more but H is here and he gets upset easy. Later<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Happy_girl;<P> Hi, it's me again. After reading the other gal's post, I felt for her, because I have known slimes like the one she got hooked up with. Even I get the feeling she had to have seen a few red flags, but I also know that if someone sweeps you off your feet you don't always pay attention to them, cause I've been there, although not with a married man. When it came to that, I always thought about how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Unfortunately for you and I, other women don't have that much of a conscience. Too bad. It would have saved a lot of ladies like us a lot of heartache. Don't worry about the ruckus. Stuff like that happens, and I really didn't realize it was you that said that, I thought it was someone else. I just feel that so many people have been so supportive to me, that I should pass it on, as she is obviously in a very bad situation. You have done a lot for me, and you still are. Maybe by helping someone else, it will ease my own healing process along the way. You're still cool with me Happy_girl. Talk to ya later. I wish we could swap emails so we could talk any time you needed a little encouragment yourself. It's always easier if someone else is there for you to lean on. Take it easy.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by IN THE SOUTH:<BR><B>Hi Ktgirl, I have been on this post since January. This is a wonderful site. My H has bonded with OC. I want him to continue to be in the OC life (if he is the father). Learned last night that he has been calling to find out how OC is, but has not gotten any response. H currently working in TX, we live in GA.<BR>By agreeing to let H see him has help me. I have not accept the suitation, but have learn to deal with it and not dwell on things too long. Because the longer I dwell it, the worst I feel.<BR>If you want things to work out and have faith that it will, then things will work our. There is always sunshine after the rain.<P>Take care! ITS</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ITS,<P> Thanks. I still have a lot to deal with, like Catnip said in an earlier post to me, I also have a certain amount of jealousy, if indeed this is my H's child, because I haven't been able to have children since before I met him. He knew this from the start, and didn't mind, because he never wanted a child. But still, the thought burns deep in my mind, this woman is doing something you cannot, give your husband a biological child. It hurts, even though he still insists he doesn't want a child. Said he wouldn't have stayed with me all this time if he'd wanted children. That helps, but still... I wish that if anyone had gotten pregnant, it could have been me. I have four sons from previous marriage and another relationship(two each). He adores the two younger who are still at home, others are grown and gone. He's always taking us fishing, or to neat places to see natural things like caves, etc. The boys love it. He's said he's got all the kids he'll ever need. Well, talk to you later, and thanks for the kind words.<P>

ktgirl- my email address is supposed to be on my profile, but it doesn't come up. so here it is... happygirl5227@aol.com<P>feel free to write to me!! thanks for the understanding. talk to ya later!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by happy_girl:<BR><B>ktgirl- my email address is supposed to be on my profile, but it doesn't come up. so here it is... happygirl5227@aol.com<P>feel free to write to me!! thanks for the understanding. talk to ya later!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Happy_girl,<P> No problem. Thanks for putting your email in. One can never have too many friends, and boy do I need em now!! LOL<P>Later,<BR>Ktgirl<BR>