i feel like we are in the calm before the storm. we are waiting for them to contact us regarding the DNA test. we filed the response, denying paternity, etc. and now the wait. who knows how long it will be, and at times i feel as if life for us is normal. i almost think we are normal and are not in this huge mess we are in. somedays, i just pretend that we have a perfectly normal marriage with no OW and no OC. am i crazy? it seems so much easier to just wish that it would all go away. somedays i wish we could just get it all over with. i hate this false sense of calm i am feeling because i know it is all to unreal. i know that one day maybe soon, maybe not, that we will have to go head on into this. i want to, but i don't. i am sick of these wishy-washy feelings i am having. i just want to feel like me again. i am tired of being obsessed with this situation. i love my H and want our marriage to work, but sometimes it is just hard. i know you all know how i feel. so i am just here ranting because i don't want to bug my H right now as he is sleeping and gets up super early.<P>some days are better than others. and i think this isn't one of them. i feel alone and stressed. i want to cry sometimes and sometimes i do. and then usually i just want to sleep. that is what i do when i am depressed, i sleep, and a lot. it is so much easier than being awake and dealing with all the problems.<P>well, i just had to talk to someone and so i came here. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. at least it is a monday and i will be busy at work so i won't have time to think about it! thanks for listening!<P>happy girl<P>

Happy_girl: I know exactly what you mean. I have been struggling with the dilema of walking away. I too will be facing this calm before the storm early next year when OC is due. Every day I wonder if I even want to stick around for it.<P>Some days I cry throughout the day at work. Others I am lucky and I get through without even a tear. I also try not to bother my H much either because I want him to see the fun loving, happy girl (no pun intended) he met 12 years ago. The one he fell in love with and the one that's been trapped for so long.<P>I give you strength during this time. Just another reminder. I say a prayer for you and that this OC is not your H's and you can start a new life. If you haven't seen my post "let's say a prayer for us" read it. I'll be saying this for you today. And for all of us every day.<P>I hope things get better for you today. And from this day forward. Treat yourself to some See's candy. Or a new outfit. You deserve it. I'll be thinking of you all day. Take Care Happy Girl. LSM

lsm,<P>thanks so much for your words of encouragement. i feel better this morning. glad that i will be busy at work. i keep everyone here in my prayers too. i think it helps. i read your prayer and it was beautiful. hope you have a good day. take care.<P>happy_girl

Dear Happy_Girl:<P>Hi! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I guess part of being here in this group is to comfort as well as to get comforted. I can tell you that when I found out and went through all htose things, waiting for the DNA, court papers,yada yada yada,it was really hard BUT at the begining it was so new that my stomach used to hurt everytime I would think about it, my H would make my stomach twirl just to think that he was a scum and that he had fathered another child the same year!, but as the days went buy I was able to assimilate the problem, accept the problem and I realized that I had to accept the problem no matter what. It seems that the more and more you think about something unacceptable to your standards you eventually learn to deal with it. SOmetimes though it is really hard, but as long as this Child is not in your life you should be able to continue with your H, and you should do what a couple of us have done: we tell ourselves that this is only a 18 year loan, and by no means you should feel guilty of anything. All I want to give you is courage and strenght because it does get better and it will, what you need is closure and at this moment you do not have it because you do not know if it is or it isn't , if you have to pay how much and so on, after you find out all those things you will realize that you can handle it and you will!<BR>Hang in there!

I posted a depressing diatribe on General Questions yesterday, and promptly deleted it this morning. After a year into true recovery, I still feel sad and depressed at times...and I still obsess. It is getting better, though. Those times are becoming less frequent and for a much shorter duration. I just seem to need so much right now. It's a phase I am going through that I am unfamilar with because this horrible thing has never happened to me before.<P>I know these are the feelings you are having as well. We all feel like we've been hit by a bus, that we are the walking wounded all bloodied and broken. But we are healing and we all deal with it best we can. <BR>You deal with it through sleep, I tend to relive each painful moment over and over again from the first days of rejection to the strange homecoming and all the bizarre behavior and events, trying to analyze the "whys" and "how could it" to death.<BR>I had a bad night the night before last. One of my darkest in months. I felt so undesirable, so hurt, so humiliated and so very, very sad. It passed. <BR>I wasn't getting enough sleep and my resistance was low and the demons thought they'd have some fun with me...and fun for them it was!<P>I had been treating David with hostility and nasty remarks and last night something happened between us that was a catalyst for the events of this morning. <BR>I broke down and screamed and cried about my pain. I told him what my needs were and that he wasn't making effort to meet them and that he was shutting me out of his life. <BR>He started to talk but was overcome with so much emotion and pain, choking back tears and sadness of his own pain, telling me how he had always prided himself on being a one woman man, that his integrity and character and other's respect as well as his own self-respect were everything to him but he feels as though he has lost all that forever. His pain is the pain he has caused me and is devastated by what he has done and how he has hurt me.<P>Again, it was the healing balm we both needed. The dam bust and the flood of emotion and pain was washed away with loving kind words of reassurance, remorse, and most importantly, forgiveness. I held his face in my hands and looked up to him and said, "You know I have forgiven you, don't you?" I realized at that moment that I meant it. I felt it.<P>I told him I expect us both to make a concerted effort to get closer and more in tuned with eachother like we once were. <BR>He told me that he felt that on many occasions and was bowled over that those moments seemed even better than before in some ways. <BR>The inconsistency of our close times disturb me because of the constant validation I seem to require right now. It must be a phase of recovery.<P>I realized I have hurt him deeply over the past couple weeks with my remarks and snotty dispostion. It has alarmed him because he relaizes it is my defense mechanism and my pain speaking the words and it comes out as hateful...and hurtful to him when he wants so much to repair but lately found it difficult to give me what I need.<P>Stay strong and realize your husband's pain is probably as significant as yours. He has to live with what he has done to you and your family. Compassion is the balm to heal and give strength to get through these next few days.<P>When David and I went to NY for the support hearings, we stayed close together and kept focused on eachother. We provided a strength for eachother that was very soothing. In fact, this kind of situation can create an "us against them" mentality, so you are bound together by a common cause.<P>I must admit it was very satisfying to sit with my husband with my hand in his, talking sweetly in low tones to each other, telling me how grateful he was that I was standing by him through this mess he created in the court's waiting room... with her watching.<P>The realization I had was that this was a healing moment of affirmation and commitment.<P>More than anything in the world, HG, I am going to pray to God that the OC belong's to someone else.<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited July 24, 2000).]

fambis- you are so right in all you said. i need closure and until then this is just an open wound, that keeps having salt thrown into it, sometimes by me. i get so obsessed about it sometimes, not a day goes by that i don't think about it, or read things on the internet about it. i too think of it as an 18 year loan, more like 15 because the OC is almost 3. we are going to try our hardest to pay back all the welfare stuff so we only have current child support to worry about. i am hoping that arizona is one of the states that only gives her $50 a month until the back support is paid back. the papers we were served mentioned something about her signing over benefits to the state, so maybe that will happen. she was the one who never tried to tell him or wanted anything. <P>catnip- thanks for your wonderful advice too. i sometimes find myself being mean to my H for no reason except i am feeling crummy myself. i get so focused on me, me , me that i forget he is suffering too. he knows what he has done to me, and to us and he is sorry for it. sometimes they think that poof! it just goes away, and it doesn't. if only it were that easy.<P>how i wish this child wasn't his. i can only hope but know in my heart that it is his. you know that feeling you get? well, i feel it. so i just want to get this court stuff over, move to another state as soon as i finish school, and start over. i can't stay here, i want to be far away from her, contact thru the courts. and if we have to travel every couple of years for adjustments, fine, we will just go to some bed n breakfast outside of town and have a weekend together. the kids ( that we don't yet have) can stay with family and we will call it a vacation... ahhhhh.<P>to the both of you- thanks for helping me put things into perspective. it always helps to post my feelings here, because i always get such great advice. thanks for the prayers and you are in mine. take care. talk to ya later...<P>happy_girl

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by happy_girl:<BR>[B]i feel like we are in the calm before the storm. we are waiting for them to contact us regarding the DNA test. we filed the response, denying paternity, etc. and now the wait. who knows how long it will be, and at times i feel as if life for us is normal. i almost think we are normal and are not in this huge mess we are in. B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Happy_girl:<P> I hope things go well for you. At least once you have the results back, it will be a kind of relief, because you know for sure where things stand, and what you have to do. Right now, it's all up in the air and can go either way. I have a long time to wait before we even get that far, and I also have my up times and down times. I was on antidepressants before this all started, have been almost a year. Before I found out about OW being pregnant, I had gotten to the point where I had stopped taking them. Didn't need any help. I was happy that he really loved me and wanted to work things out. Then one day he says "We need to talk". Downhill spiral ever since. Sometimes I make it a few steps up, then I slide back down. Nevertheless, I am back on my Celexa for now. The only way I am keeping sane is by thinking that eventually the worst part, the wait, will be over. Good luck. If things don't go well, you know where I am!!!!