I have a question for all for all of you guys....<BR>How do you know that you need help? It has been 2 yrs since I found out about the OC, I have read Dr. Harleys books, I have had a healthy if you can call that relationship after the fact. The OW is really out of our lives besides the monthly bill, but I just can not seem to get over it. I still have a lot of anger inside of me and I am definitevely depressed. I am trying not to be depressed and I am trying not to have to go talk to somebody but there are sometimes that I feel so angry about life and everything he sayws or does bothers me. Sometimes I feel like I do not know if I really love him, because I am not romantically in love with him anymore, I used to see him as the most wonderful man in the world and after this sometimes I get disgusted just bu seeing him and I think what a p*** of s***t I married!<BR>Do you guys feel that way?<BR>I do not know what to do anymore? I get so angry I explode and then I feel so guilty the next day I regret the whole thing and I wished I would have kept my mouth shut. I am so obsessed about it, that I think I actually hate him for doing this to me and my daughter, I hate him because I have to work full time and I have to support the household. DO you guys feel that way?<BR>fambis

Fambis, I do feel the same way as you do. I can't explain it sometimes to myself, it's just a weird feeling for me. This past week has been awful for us. I just started re-thinking the entire event and started created new things in my head. We have come a long way from the D Day and I hope that we continue.I do know that I want to work this out. I think sometimes what a fool am I to continue this with this jerk. I left him for a week w/ the children and that's when I realized that I do want to work it out. I think that sometimes I need to talk to someone. We have been to counselling together but I am not quite sure if that was enough.<BR>Have you and your H been to counseling yet? I noticed that you said that you are no longer romatically in-love w/ him. Does that mean you are not intimate? <BR>My H and I are intimate and do admit most of the time it makes the coping easier and knowing that it's me he want to be with. Then there are times when we are intimate and I get so pissed off, like how in the hell could he have risked so much for a slut. I get mad and want to break everything in the house. Do you do that too? Well, sorry for being so long. I do understand what you are saying.<P>Stefanie

Fambis,<P>I understand what you're saying. Maybe because it's been over 3 years since D day and maybe it's because I worried God in prayer and maybe it's because my H and I did have counseling, but I don't have that pain where I want to scream at my H anymore. Oh, I have my moments when I hurt but not like I did a few years ago.

Sounds like you may need some help. Also, your H needs to know that he isn't doing enough to make you feel in love with him again. That is HIS responsibility, not yours. Even if this mess hadn't occurred, it is his job to keep you happy & make you feel loved & in love. But you also need to be able to honestly discuss this with him. Can you do that? Or do you feel that he will just take this as left over anger at what he did? <P>I have told my H that if things cannot be better than before, I don't want the relationship. I deserve better & my boys need to see their parents in a loving relationship, not just in a fairly good relationship. This is all outside of the affair & recovery. I want more than we had before & I think he understands why.<P>I hope you can find a way to feel better. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Fambis,<BR>It sounds like you need help with this issue. You may be angry at current unaddressed issues(unmet needs/lovebusters) or stuck in the anger stage of grief. I do believe we go through the whole grief process in affair recovery. <P>It has been nearly 2 years for us and I no longer feel so angry at my H, though I did in the beginning. We did go through some couple counseling and followed lots of steps in affair-recovery books (esp. After the Affair by Springs), as well as doing the Emotional Needs and Lovebuster quizzes available on this site.<P>Can you afford counseling? You might consider reading through affair-recovery books.<P>All best wishes,<BR>Jenny

Fambis:<P>I have many days that I could have written what you have written here. My time line is close to yours as it has been nearly two years for me as well, yet, I still harbor a great deal of unresolved anger, obsessive thinking, resentment and other unattractive new personality disorders.<P>Having said that, I must say that it is cyclical for me. Those were the BAD days I described. The flip side to that is the romanitic, close "in love" feelings we are experiencing with each other, the kindnesses, the warmth...the sweetness. And in some ways, it is better than before.<P>We have endured a lot of horror these past two years, as you have and everyone else here on this particular site. I know that the added stress of having to divorce, having to do a bankruptcy, having to monitor spouses meds so he doesn't get suicidal or drink is a culmination of stresses that can trigger the hateful attitude within me. <BR>"I just want my old life back", I lament.<P>This is probably how we all feel and there is nothing we can do to change what has happened and now we must either accept it to some degree, find empathy and compassion within us when we don't feel our spouses are worthy of it, truly forgive our spouses and mean it and try to run damage control if it's worth it to us to stay in the marriage.<P>I have turned into a control freak demanding my spouse adhere to all the Harley principles and I have transferred all my hate and anger (or at least most of it) to the OW, which is appropriate after what she has done to me personally. And I come here and unload my hostility and negative feelings because it is safe to do that here. <BR>I know I sound like I must be hard hearted and cranky, when nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, my spouse rarely sees that side of me because I have the luxury of leaving it here. All of you know better than he what I think, how I feel and how deeply I still hurt. <BR>We are entitled and justified in our anger but we have to learn when it is time to let go of it...perhaps we should set a date and have a symbolic ceremony of sorts. It isn't to say that going through a ceremony would quash the anger entirely as I am sure that throughout the rest of my life, it will rear it's ugly head occasionally, however, we can make a decision to let go of it and move on.<P>As a result, my husband and I have truly remarkable days and nights and we are in recovery. He does not see or talk to the OW and has no interest in the OC. I am lucky that way.<P>Fambis, I know your anger is to the bone and you are justified to feel this way as long as you want. Just don't let it poison you.<P>You have every right to assess your husband's worthiness for you to stay in the marriage but, give it more time. Keep venting your anger here even if you think you sound hard and hateful...I know I sound that way but I have to say the things I do here so I don't say it to my husband. He is suffering, too, far, far more than I realized.<P>David (husband) told me yesterday while he was standing at the bathroom sink putting in his contacts, that he missed his Dad. That he had been his favorite son until my husband turned 13 or 14 and rebelled, breaking his dad's heart. <BR>He said it breaks his heart that he wasn't a better son and now that his Dad is gone, he can't tell him how much he meant to him and spend the time together his Dad wanted but David rejected. <BR>He said the two biggest regrets of his life is the way he treated his Dad and what he did to me, ironically, the two most important people in his life.<P>Popeye (remember Popeye?) once told me (to paraphrase) that to love someone who was unworthy of our love and recognize that they too, are vulnerable, made it easier for her to forgive herself and accept her own vulnerability.<P>The anger in you and the anger in me will subside in time...my mother-in-law once told me that none of us would have ever arrived to this country if our forefathers all would have jumped ship at the first sign of a storm.<P>Off the soap box, Catnip! ok<P>Catnip =^^=

fambis,<P>i know how you feel sometimes. there are times i feel like i can't deal with this all anymore. that maybe, just maybe life would be easier for both of us if we were no longer together. i am constantly obsessed with the whole OW/OC stuff. i check this site all the time, hoping for something that will just slap me and make me be who i used to be. but i think that person is gone. i so wholly trusted my H and people in general. and i have changed. <P>sometimes we are so happy and he tells me how much he loves me and how he knows how much he has hurt me. but some days, when we have regular everyday couple problems, i think it is all because of the whole OC/OW thing. i get all mad inside and sad, and i have a glass of wine. not the best way of coping but it helps ease the pain.<P>i have thought i should go to the doctor to see if antidepressants would help but i don't know where to go. silly, because i am in the medical field. but i don't want the world to know my problems. i have thought of trying st. john's wort but am afraid of it reducing my birth control's effect. don't even know if i am depressed anyway. just know i am not me...<P>sorry, i got on about me, when i should be writing to you. i think your feelings are normal. have you talked to your husband about these feelings? i agree that he needs to work on making you feel loved again. i know my H wouldn't miss my "explosions" if we ever divorced. but i know he would miss me, and i him.<P>i think counseling would really help. we have thought about it but guess what my H sites as my main problems he wants to fix... that i am online to much and that i go to sleep to late at night. which by the way i have always done. ha ha. he is funny.<P>good night. and take care fambis.<P>happy_girl

Happygirl: Sheesh. Don't become an alcoholic over this!<P>The best way to get through this for all of us is to feel all the pain and anger and release it here where it is safe. In time you won't need a chemical fix to feel like your old self.<P>I don't think we will ever feel like we did, but we can feel better and differently with time. It's been nearly two years and I am just starting to get better now...just starting. I flip-flop between rage and happiness, where until recently it was always just rage. I went practically all day a couple days ago with no thoughts of the OW/OC until I posted here, but that was therapeutic.<P>We all need to get patience and to focus on our spouse's pain and remorse. They are sad, they are ashamed, they are remorseful, they are vulnerable and hurt, too. I am trying to be compassionate to my spouse even though he doesn't deserve it sometimes. It's hard, but worth the effort. I am seeing improvements. He needs to know I love him. Your husband needs to know you love him. With some nurturing, soon they will be able to give back to us.<P>Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=

To all my wonderful new friends:<BR>Thank you for replying to my post . It meant alot! Yes I do talk to my H and he is aware. I trully think that he is trying to meet my needs. I do feel jsut like happy_girl though, I am not myself I am constatnly sad (most of it I keep it to myself), and I used to be a happy self assured person. Now I am just sad, very insecure of myself, always wondering if I said something wrong, I let people step all over me, I am in a job that I hate but I have to keep it because it pays good and we need the money. So if you realize i feel miserable besides my wonderful D and the fact that my H is wonderful. <BR>Bombs have been droping to us by OW and OC CS payment , arrays and so forth so I feel like I am constantly drowning and I can barely keep my head up! <BR>My H and I are romantically involved and that is not such of a problem I really think its me I feel so depressed and like catnip said: I want my life back!<BR>fambis