I posted a response the other day about contacting the OW (thanks Catnip & others who took note of that post). In that post I mentioned that the OC was born and the circumstances that caused me to contact the slut. Now that I am back in control of my senses, I want to post about this experience so any of you still waiting on the birth will not hopefully have to go through what I went through.<P>The OW had asked my H to be there at the birth of the OC. I said no. All that would do is support her & has nothing to do with child. I told him later that IF she wanted to sit down with me face to face & explain what she was doing and why, then perhaps she could convince me that he needed to be there. I knew that meeting would not occur. She is trying desperately to stay out of my way. <P>A week ago I took our two boys to go spend a week with H's parents. His mother is on verge of having foot amputated & cannot come visit. She is very supportive of me & just detests what her son has done. Anyway, the day I left H calls me and says house is empty. Says he realizes more and more that what he wants is me & the boys, our family together & better than before. We talk all week. I come home on following Saturday (this past weekend).<P>After driving all day I was tired. I am home about an hour when he says "She had the baby last Sunday". Says she called, telling him about pains, etc. She gets her ex-H to drive her to hospital & stay with her, but she wants my H there too. Well, of all the convoluted crap that has gone on, this takes the cake with me. He actually WENT! Stayed with her til 3:00 AM, through delivery, then goes home.<P>He says she had called a few times during the week, and earlier on Saturday he went & VISITED with her & OC! Tells me that he thought since I left for the week that I had given implied consent for him to "be there" for her. <P>It was somewhere after all this confession that I lost it. Told him to leave. Went upstairs & started throwing all his clothes down stairwell. Told him if he didn't leave the boys & I were. That all he would here from me was via lawyer. I ranted, screamed, and basically lost control. Very unlike me. I think I had Plan A'd so well he actually thought anything he did was ok with me. Apparently I did not have a complete agreement with him on this issue. And basically I thought I had made it clear on how I felt about him contacting her & especially about being there at delivery.<P>Then in my rage I decided to call her & scream at her. Somehow knowing that she was sitting at home with small infant & that my first & only contact with her would be while I was in a screaming, raving, rant just egged me on. I WANTED to scare her. I told her what a slut she was & that I prayed NO ONE ever tried to hurt her child like she was trying to harm mine. Asked her WHY she was trying so hard to harm my children. Did she HATE them? She just keep stammering that she wasn't trying to hurt anyone... which just made me scream WELL YOU ARE! She said she was scared about giving birth! I screamed "you shouldn't be having a f**king baby, especially by a married man". Told her to quit contacting my H, or my lawyer would sent her papers for stalking. Then hung up. I was so mad I don't even recall all I said.<P>My H was stunned. I told him if it didn't stop immediately, he was GONE. The only way I was letting him stay in house was if he called her right then and told her he was wrong for being at birth and wrong for allowing her to call him & that she was not to contact him again. He would contact her when DNA testing was set up. He made the call. She listened, then hung up on him.I was sitting there. Told my H that he better tell me about any & all contact. Period.<P>She did call my H again, yesterday at work. She won't call his cell, since I can trace that. But apparently my call scared SH*T out of her. She is scared I will come over (last thing I would do). She also allowed herself to get caught in two lies... which my H admits she lied. (He never thought she had an ill bone in her body.. uuggghhh). He told her that he is getting DNA testing set up & he would call her when it was arrainged. She ASKED HIM... "does Carolyn still love you?" He told her he wouldn't answer that. None of her DAMM business. She tells him that she still loves him. Calls him later that day, saying she is worried about losing her job. He tells her not to worry & that as of that moment, he & she both still had jobs. <P>I am still getting my feet back on ground. Wondered a lot on why I am bothering with him. We had made so much progress, but I have to question it all. Why would he put my feelings aside? He says it was to protect his job & that if she gets angry she may start a mess. I say quit. Working at Burger King bets having her blackmail him and I every day.I totally resent having her run my life via her whims and the threat of his job.<P>Well, I really don't know exactly why I posted all this stuff. I know that as of today, he and I are back in recovery. Taking it one day at a time. Plan A is sort of stagnant, but I know for my sake I need to get back on track with being a happy person. I have felt like the life was sucked out of me since that event. My divorce papers are still filed and if I need to run, I can. I have til 1/2001 to make a move & even then can extend things. My child support papers are also filed. Let her file second (if it is his).<P>For the rest of you waiting on birth, have all this stuff worked out better than I did. My agreement with H wasn't as clear as it should have been. And I should have forced my H to get a lawyer months ago for consult about his job & what actions he should & should not take in regards to her. Leaving this up to him has made a mess & ran me through the wringer. He (like so many of these men) think they can handle all this & juggle the OW and make it all work out. They are fools for believing that. Get a lawyer. I hope this helps someone. <P>Carolyn

taking care,<P>I am sooooo sorry. I can't believe men. I really feel for you. I think I would have lost it just like you or more if my h had done that. I really don't get how he could on one hand be telling you how much he misses you but than was going through the birth and visits with the ow/oc. I am not going to rant on what he did, but I do think he wasn't being considerate. I hope that you can stay on track. And I hope that your h is going to think clearly on what he does in the future. Keep you head up. <P>babstr.

Dear Takincare:<BR>I am so sorry, he was a dumb jerk who fell on guilt. Obviously that lady knows the weakness in your H. Do not let her win! You are strong and I think you did everything right! You have the right of everything not the OW and he NEEDS to follow the rule of joint agreement! He cannot go back on his word or he is going to continue hurting you and your family! <BR>I am here for you! Hang in there be strong.<BR>fambis

CArolyn, I am so sorry this happened to you. As if you didn't have enought to worry about even knowing OC is coming into this world.<P>I too am waiting. OC is due in February. This is my biggest fear. I have not seen a lawyer yet. Trade voicemails but never connected. I haven't called in a while. I guess I better stop thinking I have some time. My H and I are in counseling and he will be starting counseling on his own this week. I believe he has a touch of Narcissim in him. In that he always caters to everyone around him for fear they will think badly of him.<P>I've told OW not to call and as far as I know there is no contact. Although last week you'll never believe this. this you are going to love. And anyone else out there. OW sent an e-mail to my H and all she says was "Thanks". Attached was some type of e-mail that she received from "give a hint" the website. It's like an electronic card. Someone sent her telling her she's a homewrecker, that she needs to get a life that H's rarely leave their wives, so on. My H and I have NO IDEA who would have sent it to her. Some brilliant person in her life who wants her to get the hint I suspect.<P>Anyway, I am dreading this aweful day. Wondering if we should plan a trip out of town during the 2 weeks she's due. So how do you trace the cell phone calls?<P>I feel for you. I had been thinking of you these past couple weeks because I knew OC was due soon. Are you truly doing OK? How are you feelings? Has H expressed how he feels about OC? I'm thinking of you. I can imagine how hard this is and is going to be. Please let me know. I'm worried. LSM

Takingcare,<P>It is a difficult, difficult time when the OC is finally born. You are in my prayers.<P>CD

Carolyn, Honey:<P>I'll probably get booted off the board for this, but, Congratulations. <BR>I am proud of you and the way you are taking care of yourself by having your own version of Plan B waiting in the wings if spouse commits anymore gross violations of the rules in the Policy of Joint Agreement. <BR>However, we must give him his "attaboy" for the Policy of Honesty by telling you up front of what happened and what he did.<P>I agree that Plan A can lull these WS into a false sense of security, thinking we will eat any pud they dish up, that we are so grateful they chose us and their family that they can call all the shots, push the limits, etc. What they don't realize is that we are Plan Aing these boneheads because we need and want to keep our families together. <BR>When they come off as "choosing" us (ain't we lucky?) over some skanky OW, it should not be a contest, it should be a given that they would want us. After all, we have the history and the mortgage...we have the "I do's" and the promises.<P>Plan A is also for our benefit. To give forgiveness and compassion to someone not worthy of it at the time...to simply give. It makes us better people and more worthy of love ourselves.<P>After going forward with many months of Plan A, and all those goodies have been bestowed, spouse is back and everyone is recovering, a violation of such magnitude is just begging for a emotional meltdown, a totally justified emotional meltdown. It gets spouse's attention. They finally 'get it' that they have been Plan A'd but that they have been on one major probation. <BR>They realize that they should NOT confuse or mistake our kindness as a weakness.<P>Your tantrum is not something I necessarily recommend or condone but I do believe that once in a while one must get their point across any way they can in order to shake it up and roll it out straight. Everyone finally knows what is expected of them, knows where they stand and no one steps on anyone's toes in the process.<P>I have found that if I am too nice, too sweet, spouse has a tendency to take me for granted and take advantage of the situation. Once they know they cannot and that you are being wonderful to them simply because you love them and are making effort to forgive, comfort and be loving, then they become more thoughtful and less stupid in the decision making process.<P>I am curious, Carolyn, what your spouse has said about all this and what commitments he has made to you since your meltdown, your justified meltdown. Do you believe he has figured out that what he did was inappropriate and unnecessary, a kind of betrayal in itself even if it wasn't covert or intended as a betrayal? we have to remember that men don't think the way we do and that much of what they do they think is OK with us when it isn't. They need constant clarification.<P>If it makes you feel any better, I have done the same things as you have and have exploded as you did...and i felt better for it. When I look back at my knee jerk reaction, it was beneficial to both of us...and his reaction is priceless and the impact long lasting...not something he would like to see again anytime soon. It does have it's place; I feel better and spouse knows the rules. Then we go back to Plan A and recover.<P>I don't consider a justified occasional meltdown a 'love buster' as it often clears to air and gets rid of harbored resentment. In my case, the meltdowns (I've had three in the last two years) were provoked anyway, as were yours, and the end result was for us to get closer....he even respected me for not taking it anymore.<P>Don't make it a habit, stay in Plan A and stay focused, loving and pragmatic.<P>Catnip =^^=

Well, this has been a long week. Thanks to you all for your concern. Yes, my H was just wrapped up in making every thing work out for everyone, or so he thought. He just thought I was stronger & more easy going than she was. Well, basically I am, except when I state "that is not ok". I think he understands now how very off base he was. <P>LSM.. thanks for the thoughts. I had a BIG laugh when I went to web site you mention. What a hoot. Hope OW got the hint. I am doing fairly well, but not has cheerful as normal. I think in a way it is best if I don't jump right back in to being too happy & forgiving. Not to manipulate this, but really just playing out my heart. As for worrying about the day OC is born, just do a better job than I did to get up front agreement on what is going to happen. My H would really rather have gone through oral surgery than been at birth. He is just one of those folks that anything that distracts from his personnal interests... well he just isn't interested. So in one way i really think he was probably miserable being there. Said the XH of OW was the primary handholder (guess I can beleive that... who really cares) and that he was just standing around in background. What a scene. As for cell phone stuff, he gets detailed billing on his calls & part of our current agreement is that he show me bill if I request it. Easy to see when she calls or he calls. But I do have to wait until end of month to see bill. As for his feelings for OC, I don't think there are any. He honestly believes that it isn't his. He can be pretty cool on issues like that. His D (my step-D) gave birth over a year ago & gave baby up for adoption. He helped her with all of it, but was so detached about it all. I think it same with this OC, even if it is his. He is just not out there looking for opportunities to be a parent.<P>Catnip, thanks for your support. I don't think anyone will run you off this board. I agree with you on Plan A. There comes a time when things need to "normal out", so that everyone is getting same amount of attention & care. I had not expected my H to start thinking of me, and I should have. It was long enough for us with me alone in Plan A. I should have expected more from him & stated it. I will always use Plan A for myself (give up old habits of nagging, suspicion, withdrawing, etc. that were not good for me). I need to be happy & honest & open. That part of Plan A will be kept around. But you are right, you cannot go along for the rest of your life & not expect that there will be a little conflict & maybe some yelling on occasion. That doesn't mean Plan A died. <P>My H is very remorseful over whole thing & understands where I was at with all this & my intense sense of betrayal. He has sat several times this week & told me how he wants to keep rebuilding & that whatever it takes will be his goal. He stated that his worse fear is not the job or anything she could do, but loosing boys & I. He wrote out a resignation letter, but we both agreed that he should job hunt first. He has an appointment with a lawyer next week to discuss what action he should be taking to protect him & us against her. There are some employment law issues that he needs to get up to speed on. And he is ordering DNA test & also getting professional service to update his resume. All of this should have been done months ago, but at least he is finally doing something in a positive mode. <P>I am not really feeling any guilt over my "meltdown". It probably did need to occur & get air cleared. The worst part of things since then has been the little nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps asking me "will this go on forever" and "why ARE you trying to make this work". Little annoying habits seem like elephants this week (shoes in middle of floor, slurping a drink, and please... let's don't even go into BODY NOISES! Ha! ). Seems like little things that were just not an issue have been grating on my nerves. I haven't LB'd, but I have been a little low key & quiet. But he goes to Canada tomorrow on a three day trip. Maybe by that time I will have time to catch my breath & feel better & less iritated. Absence can fostor a desire to be together. I have pulled out some things I wrote to my self months ago on why I wanted to make this marriage work. Reading them over helps.<P>Take care & thanks for all the support. Carolyn