Well - my H and I are still at a stand-still - I've asked him to do the "no contact" thing via letter or even via telephone - he 1st tells me he will - then he won't in the end. I've asked him to get an attorney to set up some sort of Agreement with OW for financial support of OC and visitation - (he has been giving her money and doing so with cash, etc. etc. and having no way to prove money paid). He has been spending more time with me and our D - but a few things have been suspicious re: some times he has been "out of pocket". I keep putting of Plan B - why am I doing that - I guess I'm simply not strong enough? I don't know - He told me somewhere he was yesterday and then acted all defensive about it - and I called this a.m. to see if he was there - and the people said no. When I ask him about why he lied to me - he says "I'm sorry if they can't remember, but I was there and you can either believe it or not." That's what I'm up against a brick wall. I still feel in my gut that "something" is not right in Denmark and the fact that he won't do anything to legally protect me or my daughter is just the pits! I also found something where he has been paying OC's daycare - and that is okay I supposse - except it has been kept from me and then when I ask him about it - "he denies it!" THE NERVE OF THESE FREAKIN' asdfkjasdflkjase;rj239402374923yruashdfiuasher98712349712-0498124. What is the purpose of lying? I just don't get it - I'm just really down today - I'm tired of being the only one "doing anything" re: our relationship. I told him - he gets the benefits of being married and then he gets to live single - I get none of the benefits of being married - nor do I act single, either. What's in this for me?<P>------------------<BR>

dd,<P>I can't believe that he is still acting like this. He should never be defensive when you ask his whereabouts, he has shown in the past that he can't be trusted. I still think you should try to Plan b, but I understand that is difficult for you. He is still playing both sides. You should know everything at all times, that includes paying the daycare. If he is not telling you everything, than he is still not being honest. You cannot keep giving him chances if he is going to keep lying to you. <P>The law in the end is going to make him pay child support since birth, the cash won't count. I am sure that if he finally does stay with you and your daughter, then she will go after the money. This is not a honest person, she will lie about the cash. He has to be able to prove that he is giving her money, via check would be better. <P>I am sorry that you are having such a rough day. You are in my thoughts. Your h just makes me mad, why does he do this to you. Why is he not protecting you and your D? I have come to believe through all of my pain that actions speak lounder than words, take that into consideration. I just wish he would make up his mind. Try to stay positive I know it is hard. Please consider Plan B, I just don't want him to think that he can keep having the best of both worlds. You are right he is being married and single. It is up to you to decide how much longer you will allow him to. I am praying for you.<P>babstr.

Start acting single yourself.<P>I'm not saying to involve yourself with other men...that would be absolutely stupid and destructive. What I mean is, start being busy...with your friends, with family, go to a movie alone or just leave and don't tell him where you're going. Let him worry about where you are and watch him react, like he always does. He's so predictable, DD...as soon as you start flexing your independent muscle, he panics. If I were you, I would use what has worked.<P>Since you can't/won't implement Plan B, perhaps you should entertain this weaker option just to get yourself some freedom and begin to learn how to be independent in case the jerk leaves you in his dust on a momentary whim. It's happened before.<P>Sorry, honey, but thems the truth...glad you are back, again.<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited August 02, 2000).]

Hi DD,<BR>I have followed your story since finding this forum. I can definitely understand that Plan B is difficult but please take a moment and think about this....can Plan B be any harder than going through this disrespect and instability? You are giving your husband the best of both worlds. On one hand he is married to a wonderful woman but when it is convenient he can be "single". DD I am certaintly not judging you but the time has come for you to think about DD. <BR>I sense that you are afraid and that whole "win/lose" theory comes into play. But I think what you fail to realize is that you cannot lose what is meant for you and by that same token, you can't make it work with someone that isn't meant for you. DD I just think its time to re-evaluate. You want your husband and you want your family. We all do but now is the time to re-build on a strong foundation and lies cannot be part of that. As women we are blessed with intuition, that feeling that something isn't quite right...you have those feelings and you owe it to yourself to listen. If you and your husband are to be together he has alot of work to do and right now it sounds as if he isn't doing much of anything in terms of rebuilding.<BR>Please do not take this as criticism but I hear your pain, frustration and exhaustion. God bless you.

DD I agree with Catnip. I have thought about doing this myself. Not being much of a dancer I thought and still am considering taking modern dance lessons. Just so I could tear up the dance floor the next time I get a chance to puff up my feathers in front of my H. Knock him off his feet. It's good for them.<P>You should do the same. I've said it before. Do something drastic. Dye your hair. Cut it short. Whatever. Start working out at the Gym if you don't already. Something that will get you noticed by others and that will turn your H's head. The better you feel about yourself the more confidence you can project onto your H and the less secure he'll feel about your sticking around to take any more of his crap. You can still plan a while doing this. Start making plans and leave him at home to babysit. Come home in the best mood. Take your sister out. You two get all dolled up and take each other out. Forget all the misery for a one night...or two. Good Luck DD. Keep us informed. We miss you when you're out. LSM

HI DD!<BR> I'm glad to know you are okay (as well as you can be anyway) <BR> <BR> Catnip said: "Since you can't/won't implement Plan B, perhaps you should entertain this weaker option just to get yourself some freedom and begin to learn how to be independent in case the jerk leaves you in his dust on a momentary whim."<P> I agree w/ her. Definitely start to live like you're "single." Do things for yourself. Show him that the sun does not rise and set on his rearend. That you don't need him to live life well.<P> Sort of a *modified* Plan B. You see him, live with him, talk to him... but live for yourself!<P> Take care, DD!<BR> And yes, the next post you type should be about something good that you have done for yourself! <P> Mynabird