I am only 21 years old and my wife is only 22. We have been married for only 7 months and have already fallen into a huge problem. Out of the 7 months we just went 4 months w/o sex. I am not some crazy nympho but my wife never ever wants to have sex and even if by some miracle I can get her in the mood, then she doesn't seem happy that she is doing it. When we first started dating we gave each other our virginity and later realized that we should've waited till marriage because we are both christians. So we stopped completely, and for the 2 years till our marriage we never had sex, Ever!. Before that though we were like "newlyweds" several times a day sometimes. I love my wife but she doesn't want sex ever. I suggested some counciling but she wont. I read the book "his needs her needs" and found it incredibly helpful to me but she won't acknowledge we have a problem to bother reading it. I am miserable... she is like a friend not a wife. I want to save our marriage but if she won't even try then is it sinful for me to even consider a divorce.... sorry this is such a huge message..... HELP!!!

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: crumbling at the seems ]</small>

I do not think it is sinful. You may wish to find out whether you simply can seek an annulment. If your wife is willing to seek help then you really have to decide if you wish to spend the rest of your life like this. It seems very unfair to you and will only lead to massive frustration for the both of you. I would suggest counseling and a sex therapist for the both of you. If you wife is absolutely adament against changing then contact a lawyer to discuss your options. This is a honeymoon period for you and you both should be extremely happy at this time.
You have some serious thinking to do. I wish you luck.

I suggest before you start pulling out the big D trump card that you tell her very gently that you feel that your marriage is in trouble, let her know that this is something that would make you consider leaving, if she truly realizes how much this is bothering you she may be more willing to get counseling, if she doesn't feel that it's "that" big of an issue, she will continrue to shrug it off. And if after telling her that she still won't consider getting help, then maybe a trial separation would be in order. But don't jump on that bandwagon so quick!

I suggest before you start pulling out the big D trump card that you tell her very gently that you feel that your marriage is in trouble, let her know that this is something that would make you consider leaving, if she truly realizes how much this is bothering you she may be more willing to get counseling, if she doesn't feel that it's "that" big of an issue, she will continrue to shrug it off. And if after telling her that she still won't consider getting help, then maybe a trial separation would be in order. But don't jump on that bandwagon so quick!

CAS,

My answer differs from Bryanp. I believe it is sinful to divorce for any reason other than sexual immorality...adultery. The following bible verses provide what you are looking for:
Malachi 2:14-16
Matthew 5:31-32
Matthew 19:1-12
Mark 10:1-12
Luke 16:18

Sit down with your wife and find out if there are any underlying problems that is causing this in her. Is she really in love with you? Are you providing for her needs? Is there anyone else involved (I hate to tell you to ask that but better to ask before than after)?

We, as God's creation, were made with basic needs and sexual relations is included...maybe more for men than women. When we are married we become "one flesh". When our needs are not met and one of us suffers, the marriage suffers to some extent.

Find out what is the core problem here and fix it before other things begin to attack your relationship.

1 Corinthians 7:1-6,9 tells us to share ourselves with one another in our marriage. It is a good verse to have on your side but I wouldn't use it in any kind of threatening or pompus manner.

To Jetes:

Do you consider an annulment the same as divorce?

Thank you all for your thoughts so far... I want to explain that anullment or divorce is the last thing that I want. I hope and pray that she comes around, I merely asked about divorce and anullment because if after all attempts have been made am I to be "trapped" like this, and would you consider this a sin against our marriage on her part, enough so that I would not be committing adultery if that last and terrible answer comes my way(anullment/divorce, not an affair). I love my wife very much and I do not wish to offend God but I am trying to meet every unment need that I could think of. I sincerely doubt that there is somebody else involved, something that struck a nerve though was the question of whether she was "in-love" with me. I certainly know that she was when we first began, and was for long after, but now with this so many doubts have raced through my head that I don't know what to think anymore. I am a very patient person and I will not throw us away on some affair, but if she ultimately will not try to become the wife that I was told she would be(by her) then at my age I could, after much pain and suffering, pick up and start over. I hate to even think such things but I really just want to understand what is happening...

NO! Do not think of Divorce as an alternative!

Kenneth Copeland profesied the spirit of Divorce is running like wildfire in the body of Christ. Divorce will detour your calling that Christ has called you to in the body of Christ in these last days, Jesus is coming so sooooon and you donot want that. Yes God can restore you after a divorce, but time is short, Satans warth is great, you dont want to be detoured.

Before I begin I'd just like to say I am a spirit filled Christian. God sent you your wife, he gave you his best, God created Adam first he was male and female in one, in the image of God he created Adam. He God took the female part of Adam out of him and made Eve(women) from the female part of him, the rib and the scripture says gave them the pleasure of one another. Too christians in a marriage with God as the Lord are strong. There is no weakness if they make the lord their source not one another. God did not intend for our mates to fullfil us once we are made one with them, but always to look to him. Where the other is weak the other is stong.

It is Gods will that you stay married to her and prosper exceedingly abundantly above all you can ask or think(this includes your marriage) according to the power that works in you.

Scriptually it is okay to divorce if your spouse is sexually unfaithful. Other than that it is not scriptual.Unless she is a danger and is abusing you, etc.

If you meditate on divorce, if you think about it continually, day and night, if you put it in your ears, in front of your eyes, listen to the wrong people(even christians) if it is an option to you, if it is an alternative. You will have one. I can Guarantee it. Absolutely Guarantee it.

The truth is you donot want a divorce. You hate divorce. Your flesh(feelings carnal man) wants one but your spirit does not.why? Why do I know this? Why am I saying this when I donot know you?

Let me tell you. The moment you confessed Jesus as the son of God believed in your heart confessed with your mouth. you were born again. Jesus dwells in you, promised you he will never leave you nor forsake you, that when you ask he will fill you with his holy spirit, and he will guide and bring you to rememderence of all that Jesus spoke.You have his spirit in you. This spirit is is incorruptable. "he fruit of the spirit is Love, peace, kndness, oodness,faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law"GAL5:22. Jesus said his word is truth, they are life and they are spirit. What is truth, the dictionarys meaning is "The highest form of reality that exist." Jesus is love, his word is love. Your old man has passed away all things are made new. The fruits of the spirit is who you are, it's your nature, you love to excerise them, you love, you havekindness,faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. But if you donot know this is who you are then you wont excercise them.Your spirit does not want a divorce, beacause you love Jesus so much, you love your wife , as Jesus loves the church and gave himself for her You want to give to her, you are gentle, kind, faithful, patient to her.You will lay down your life for her.Just as Jesus said no love is greater than that a friend should lay down his life for him. You donot want a divorce, you hate it because you love Jesus so much and he commanded you not to divorce so you want to listen.This is the truth.

I know it may seem hard to your flesh to say these , but I say your spirit at the same time loves to hear you say these things.The spirit is joyful when you speak truth. truth is the word of God.Your spirit want to run the race, and wants to run it ina way that you should win.

When you think of divorce, there is a disturbance in your heart, some people call it conscience, a tug some people call it a scratching. This is the spirit of God speaking to you. Wisdom speaking to you. Jesus said you are his sheep, you know his voice, you flee from strangers because you donot know the voice of strangers. This is truth Jesus said. satan wantsto kill and destroy your marriage, but Jesus came that you might have life and life more abundantly. Be sensitive to the spirit of God, ask God for wisdom, he gives liberally to those who ask. It is okay if you miss it, repent and get up, move and press to the mark. Jesus said no disciple is greater than his master, but with training he would be just like his master. Jesus your LORD and saviour is training you. Trust the Holy Ghost, trust Jesus.

Speak those things benot as though they were. When you pray, pray according to the word, believe that you recieved your prayerMark 11:22.

Donot make harsh decisions. Donot be moved by feelings( this is easy to fall into in a marriage), walk in the fruit of the spirit which is your nature, excercise your nature. Pray all night if you have to. Ask God to protect you from yourself, Put a watch at your mouth that you donot sin against him, arrest you in your ways that are contary to his word, give you crystal clear, eyes and ears to see truth.

One more thing,"seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you"(this includes a exceedingly abundant marriage).

It is more blessed to give than to take. Donot take anything from your wife. It is none of your business if she loves you or not. Your business is to love her. Give, Give,Give give in good times and in bad, give! love never fails.To give and love is your nature. This is want your spirit desires."Love the lORD your God, with all your heart, soul, mind, body and all your strength love your neighbour as yourself there is no other commandment greater than these."Give and it will be given to you, good measure pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men give to you.(men meaning man and women). I believe this is a secret to marriage close to days of heaven on earth. You dont try to love you have love. You already have it, it is who you are, the moment you were born again.Recieve it.

Finally,be stong in the LORD and the power of his might casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obiedience of Christ(the anointed one and his anointing).Satan roam about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.The righteous are bold as lions, the scriptures says. You are The righteous.You are bold. You are fearless. You are strong in the LORD, whom shall you fear? what can man do to you? Satan is under your feet. LOOK DOWN.

cheers.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: susiechooo ]</small>

Great answer, Susie. I unequivacally agree with ALL you wrote!

To crumbling: Listen to Susie. Do the work yourself. Meditate on God's Word for your answers. To seek answers here or anywhere else, you will get a different answer from every person you talk to, and then you will become even MORE confused!

Having said that, I'm going to give MY 2¢ anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> No, God does NOT want you to divorce. NO MAN is to "tear asunder" what God has joined. That includes the principles (H & W) as well and "outsiders." I also believe since we are one flesh, the pain when one begins to pull away is terrible.

But, I do have some thoughts as to why your W is now acting this way....things that caused me to act in the same way....

Although we weren't as young when we married, my H and I began having sex before our M. I was a virgin, too, but I felt that although I knew it was wrong, it was ok to do this, b/c we were "older" (in our 30's) and he had been M before, so was "experienced" and "needed it." We KNEW we were going to be M'd, so we were "committed" to each other, and what difference would it make? Well, the difference it made was that we weren't M'd yet, so it was sin! The feeling of having committed this earlier sin caused me to feel terribly guilty about it later on in our M, and quit wanting to have sex with him. I always felt "dirty" and guilty about it, even after we'd been M awhile, and God was in our union. Could your W be feeling this, too?

Counseling is necessary to help your W realize that even if she felt she had committed sin by having sex before your M, she can now repent of that, and go on to live a life God will bless.

If she continues to refuse to get counseling, begin praying FOR her. Have you heard of a book called "The Power of a Praying Husband"? It is written by Stormie Omartin and her H. She also has one for Wives. Please get a copy, and begin to cover your W with prayer. Satan is telling her lies about M and sex, and she is believing it!! This can not end well if you do not win the spiritual battle that is going on for your W and your M.

God Bless,

After only 7 months of near sexless marriage, I would advise you to tell her that this problem must be addressed. And, if she refuses counseling, personally, I would consider divorce now, before you have more entanglements, a possible child (if you ever do have sex again).

Divorce is not a good answer. But neither is a sexless marriage. Neither follow God's plan for marriage.

Kathi

CAS,

How are things since your previous post? In my previous post to you I didn't mean to insinuate that an affair was going on. It was just mentioned as a possibility. That's how my catastrophy began.

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days. I have been away from work and my computer since Friday. To answer Bryanp's question. Yes I do believe that annulments are wrong also. As one of the other poster's mentioned, "What God has joined together, let no man put assunder".

CAS, I have been w/out SF for seventeen months so I know how you are feeling. The option I chose was to take it to God. SF is coming for me...I know. But with the s--l--o--w process of rebuilding my relationship with my FWW it is taking a while. I hope you never have to go through the process I have been in. Just stick with being a loving and giving H, pray,and have faith that God will work it out.

Just browsing and came across this post.

Could it be that perhaps your wife has a physical probelm, maybe experiencing pain or something? Have you pursued this possibility?

Just a thought.

It sounds as if she enjoys sex (from your brief honeymoon period), so there must be more to it. For alot of women, the less sex you have, the less you want it. I'm not talking about daily, but a couple times a week keeps things going. Ok, the problem is where to start? Perhaps she feels pressured everytime you two are alone together - will he want sex, should I not be romantic or nice b/c he may want more... Maybe, you two could have a few designated "no sex" nights where she knows up front that there will be no pressure. This may help lighten the mood. Then possibly you set a date for a designated "sex night". This may sound crazy, however, I know a few married women, including myself, who have used this to bring regular sex back into a marriage. Once things were re-established, it was OK to say no occassionally (tired, not in the mood, etc) b/c the pressure was off. The H was more supportive - or maybe he had less grounds for fighting... Just a possible suggestion....

I am not as deeply religous as alot of these other folks on this post so I dont have a well formed opinion on whether divorce is sinful... I will say that recently after we married my husband and I went through a very stressful time with both of our work duties and this ruined his sex drive... we then went though a big period of conflict (a year straight) after which I entered clinical major depression from (amongst other things) feeling rejected by him and his refusal to read any marriage help books/go to counseling... we were both young, 21 and 22 when we married as well, for those of us that married young it is a long road, stick with it, think outside the box, and be patient, don't let your taker 's demanding behavior drive you to divorce. My relationship still has plenty of problems and my husband and I might not make it but at least we are giving it our best shot. Dont give up!

Just being nosey and your post caught my eye. PLEASE talk to your W. When you discuss the issue, how does it come up, what is you tone like? I ask, because it may make a difference. A while back, i didn't want my H to touch me. I worked 2 jobs, took care of the house and kid and was plain TIRED at the end of the day. He went to work, came home, scratched, and thought I was to jump through hoops on demand. His lack of responsibility turned me off. We discussed the issue and things did not change for a long while, but they did. He used that as one of the reasons why he had his A. If we hadn't talked about it beforehand, his A may have been justified. Since it was mentioned prior, I see it as his excuse. We're trying to work past it now. Hindsight sure is a mother.
Before you call it quits, explain to her that she has to open up and TALK!!!! If she doesn't, she'll be part of the blame if you don't make it.

Good luck!!!!
crybaby