I am so confused and am on the wildest ride of emotions in my life.<BR>My H just confessed to me four weeks ago this Sunday that he had a one night stand back in May. The timing makes it even more difficult because our baby daughter was very ill at the time and I did feel so alone in caring for her, 2 trips to the hospital on my own, appointments, etc. I resented his distance at the time and now I am even more angry.<P>He was out with a friend I totally dislike at a bar, he got totally drunk and a woman came on to him. He subcombed to her in the back seat of her car. He says he totally regretted it right away, but somehow got the impression he wanted more and she managed to get his business card and she called trying to start up something more. He met her for lunch and total her flat out no way and stuck to it. But now recently she contacted him with the possibility she is pregnant with his child. (I want to throw up every time I mention this) She is not sure as she is in a long term relationship of about 15 + years, but she thinks it might be my H's because of some fertility probs and the timing. Well, it kind of sounds like my stupid H was manipulated. There are a few things she has contradicted herself on that I caught her on in the one contact I have had with her. She has not replied since that was two weeks ago.<P>Now my H is totally in to rebuilding us and helping me through the healing. The change in him would be so great if it had not come around this way. I honestly do no know if I can ride this out, especially not knowing what is going on with "her". I feel I can't really make any decisions until I know if the pregnancy piece can be laid to rest or if I have to see if it needa to be dealt with and if I want to.<P>Today is not a good day, I just want to cry and go to sleep if I didn't dream so much.<P>Help !<P>------------------<BR>Carrie<P>I posted this in Just Found out and was suggested to me to post here.<P><BR>

Welcome, even though this is the club no one wants to be in. I can relate to you because my husband did the exact same thing. Was drunk and encouraged, in a vehicle, one night stand. The only difference is my h would have never told me except that after almost three years the woman wants child support. So I found out because of the legal papers arriving. It is VERY heartwrenching. We are working on our marriage. All I can suggest is try to work through your feelings. Go to counseling it will help. Your h sounds like mine in the fact that he will do whatever it takes to make this relationship better. I too understand enjoying the change except for the reason. Be happy that your husband told you, many men try to cover it up, including my h. I know the pain you are feeling is almost unbearable. Try not to concentrate too much on the OW/OC. You won't know that for months. If you want to rebuild your marriage, concentrate on it. <P>I know that you will have questions no matter what. I also have questions that still linger. It has been six months since I found out. Yes the DNA proved that the other child is my husband's. He doesn't have contact of any kind and we are trying to figure out paying for the child support. These are issues you will have to face in the future. I am sending you my prayers. I know you are in pain, find comfort in your daughter. How old is she? I have a two year old daughter. I know when things get hard, I look at her and try to smile at the little things. Keep posting, it will help you. Everyone here is full of love and support, and we are all in the same boat.<P>babstr.

I am quite sure I could never face being a part of paying for this OC if my worst fears come true. I just could not/will not deal with it. I have so much pain to deal with now I can't imagine anymore.<P>I have two daughters one Lauren is 7, 8 in October and Shawna is 15 months old. I wanted another eventually too but my husband said absolutely not, 2 was enough he wanted to start spending money on stuff. Well, he just may have screwed himself up big time. He has changed his tune significantly on everything, not near as bull headed anymore.<P>Thank you for your reply.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Carrie

Carrie,<P>I am so sorry! I hope you find out the OC is not your husband's. Afterall, she was already in a 15+ yr relationship.

carriemom,<P>so sorry you have to be here. but glad you found it. this is a good place. we can come here to vent, and help eachother. i really hope that the OC is not your husbands. this is not a fun place to be, but i think it gets better. and affair is hard enough with out the added burden of an OC. stick around and you will see that we share your pain. take care.<P>happy_girl

Carriemom,<BR> Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of us out here, and we watch out for each other here. Lots of good folks like Catnip, Happygirl, and others, as well as myself are all in this leaky boat with you. Lean on us when you need a friendly ear. Take care.

Hi Carriemom,<BR>Thanks for your reply to one of my posts. As the others have said, sorry you have to be here but even as a new member I have found this group to be wonderfully supportive and uplifting.<P>You feel right now like you have been hit by a train -- we all went through it. But believe me as a person who has been dealing with this for a long time, once you get over the shock you will find strength you don't even know you have right now. <P>I am also praying that the OC is not your H's. That would make it so much easier for you to deal with the OW betrayal which is bad enough on its own. <P>Right now concentrate on you. Do what makes you feel better and comfortable. Counselling is very helpful and it seems that your H is willing to do anything to make it up to you. It will be a long road but you've got plenty of company and we all care.<P>My heart and best wishes go out to you and your daughters.<P>Heavenly

Carriemom Welcome to the club. I'm so sorry for your sorrow. I to have OC due in February. Was conceived in May as well. Only difference is my H was involved for 5 months. We have a 2 year old D.<P>This is a hard position to be in. But there is a good chance this child is not your H. Even so it seems since he came clean with you that he's ready to put the past behind and move on with you and your family. Let him do that. Allow him to rebuild your trust and nuture your marriage back to health. I too get ill thinking of this OC. Not the baby but the fact that it was conceived by my H with another woman. I literally get sick thinking of it. But as long as your marriage is strong and you are working together you can get past anything.<P>I believe that. You just each have to be on the same page. Try not to think of that and concentrate on the marriage and how to reconnect with each other. You will need each others strengh during this time. <P>And use us for support as well. That's what we're here for. Be strong. I will keep you in my thoughts. We might just need each other come February. Take Care of yourself. And keep us updated.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

Carriemom:<P>I remember the day I got the news...in fact, I will never forget it or the horror of the words. I will pray this is nothing more than a ploy, or a mistake and that it is not true. I have been waiting for more of us to find out that it was a lie.<P>There was a gal here for a few months that went through all the gut wrenching feelings you are experiencing only to find out that OW was not pregnant and had been lying the entire time. Her husband was not remorseful or contrite and the marriage ended. He was a serial cheater anyway.<P>What amazes me is that I have noticed that in most cases here on this forum, most of us are in recovery with our husbands. I think that the horrible shock of getting someone pregnant and having a child result is like getting hit by a bus. If the OW never got pregnant, we'd probably be on General Questions or the Divorce board lamenting our spouses continued affair with these women. But the shock and devastation is so traumatic for the MM, he can't get away from the OW fast enough when they get "THE NEWS".<P>Just an observation.<P>I only tell you that because if it turns out to be true, and I hope to God it isn't, your spouse may do double time to repair the damage, which he can never do. But the effort he makes means everything.<BR>My spouse is so 'on his knees' grateful I didn't end the marriage, he works very hard to restore what was lost. It's kind of an act in futility a lot of times, yet I appreciate that he cares so much to want to make it right, to fix things.<BR>It's a weird kind of blessing in disguise, although I would have much preferred his mid-life crisis to have been a red sports car.<P>If it is NOT true, I will cry tears of joy and be so grateful you were one that was spared. If it is true, we will all be here for you and cry with you.<P>You came to the right place.<P>Catnip =^^=

Hi,<BR>Just want to welcome you and to let you know that we all know what you are going through and as unbelievable as it sounds it really does get better. God bless you and you are in my prayers.

Carrie, you are in a raw state right now. First month after I found out about my H and his 7 mth affair I was raw, raw, raw. During most of that time of the affair I was traveling across state to take care of his mother (who was in & out of hospital), so I can feel empathy with that "double betrayal". I found out in January. He reluctanly went to counseling & was convinced the best "out" was to leave me & our two boys & go with OW. Since she works for him his job is in jeporady & staying with her would smooth that over too. Then he began to come around & see that the best thing for our sons was an intact family. So in March he then tells me about pregnacy. He had known all along & didn't tell me. I was raw all over again. The OC was born a couple of weeks ago & we are waiting on DNA testing. I take it a little at a time.<P>The best thing I can tell you at this point is to force her out of your mind. She is NOTHING. Please do not allow her power in your life. Don't let her spoil one day. Go on & take care of yourself & your daughters. Focus on what is best for them. Having their mother in a bad state of mind is not what they deserve. Focus on your life & family. <BR>She will dissolve away in time. Most likely this "pregnancy" is just a bunch of BS & is not your H. I will pray for that. There are those "one time" pregnancies, but not too often. She is just a mad, hateful BIT*H who is pissed off that your H didn't run after her. I mean, she most likely messed up her "15 year" thing with this one night stand & now is on the war path. Just stay clear, no contact & let it blow away. If she wants to pursue DNA testing when this child is born, she can contact you then. <P>Don't worry about the future & what you can & cannot deal with. Beleive me, things change with time. Also, I think I could stand most anything for my boys. If the right thing for them is for their father & I to be together, well I will give it my best. I would die for them, so why wouldn't I try to work things out with a man that loves them & at one time loved me? We are not yet where I want to be, but perhaps we will be. Focusing on us & the good stuff helps. Also, the Surviving An Affair by Harley helped me have hope that I could get past this. I was always the type who said "no way will I stick around if THAT happened".<P>Take it slow. Breath. Look at your babies & kiss them. Laugh at something everyday & take care of yourself. You & your daughters deserve it.<P>Carolyn<P>

Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies, you have all been very supportive. This is definitely a good place to come when I can not bare all of the turmoil going on in my head.<P><P>------------------<BR>Carrie

I'm going to skip advice giving right now but want to lend my support. It hurts and we're here!<BR>Jenny

I still have not heard from the OW and I really don't want to try contacting her again. My H has not heard from either, he hopes we never hear from her again. Do I just let it go ? I don't know if I can stand not knowing what she is going to do. We are doing so well staying close and talking everyday, I lean on him, he totally supports me, but when it gets down to talking about the future I am so scared. I can not think past a week or so. I don't want to feel like the rug could be pulled out at anytime for years to come. I want legal advice too, does anyone out there know where I can just get a little info on paternity/child support etc. in Minnesota ?<P>Thanks for listening.<P>------------------<BR>Carrie

Carrie, just want to say sorry you're<BR>in this position, too. I also dont know<BR>if my H onetime mistake resulted in oc.<BR>In our case oc is already one and I found<BR>out 2 mos ago. Everything changes. But we<BR>have our H's support and our beautiful kids<BR>so try to remain positive, even tho its <BR>easier said then done. I also know the<BR>turmoil going on in your head, it keeps<BR>me up at night. My best wishes for you<BR>and your family.<P><BR>

carriemom,<BR>I'd seek out this legal info for your state asap! Firstly, whether your H will have to pay back ch-support if she gets back to your H on this years later... important financial info.! (Never give XOW $ without DNA and record of payment(s)). Find out what rights/responsibilities H has first, THEN decide whether to let it go. Better than another train-wreck in your life later!<P>best wishes,<BR>jenny

DO NOT LET IT GO!! <P>take it from experience, when we heard rumors the OW had had a baby, he found out from her that she had, and she said it was his. she told him that she had wanted to be a mother, and now she was. that she wanted NOTHING from him, and she could do things on her own. <BR>well, that was until she collected welfare for 2 1/2 years and they cut her benefits until she named the father. so NOW she needs him. "you have to do what you have to do," was her reply when he said "i thought you didn't want anything from me, you could do it by yourself..." <P>so now, we will have to pay back support, in the form of paying back every dollar of welfare and medical benefits she received. plus, the current support.<P>we too thought we could just go on and forget about it. and now i wish we hadn't. because we will owe a lot more and are going to be hurting financially. and i can't go to school as planned now. so my life is on hold.<P>take it from me, get the dna test, do things thru the court and get on with life. it is hard, but it will be much worse when she comes back to bite. say, after she gets a divorce and needs some extra cash...<P>take care. <P>happy_girl

Carriemom,<BR> Have you tried FreeAdvice.com for legal advice? Just make sure when you post on the bulletin board the first time that you put your state in your post. Hopefully IAAL or someone else can come up with an answer for your questions. Funny thing is, I started out there, and was brought here by Happygirl. She read my post, and recommended I come here to help deal with H's affair, and the OC that is on the way. Hope this helps.