O.K., I will give the warning now. I was an OW and this is the story of an OW w/OC.<BR>I am going to be VERY honest and it is not meant to cause ANYONE here any heartache, or to make them re-live a bad time in their life. If that is what happens, I apologize profusely. So, here it goes. I will give a lot of background as well.<BR>General "Stats"<P>I am 36 years old. I was an OW for over 10 years. I have twin boys (age 5) with MM.<BR>I met MM (while at work, big surprise,huh?)<BR>when I was 24. I became involved with MM when I was a 25 year old virgin(yes, I knew he was married which makes me even stupider). MM is the only man I have ever been with and the only man I wanted to be with.<P>Background<P>I come from a divorced background. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. My mother was cheating on my dad and I was the "lookout". I guess adultery can be heriditary. My mom eventually married my step-father and we never got along. I was kind of a "third wheel" in her new marriage and step-father resented the fact I loved my dad. So, I kind of learned early on to "fend for myself" When I was 8 years old my step-uncle started molesting me. This went on for 7 years. I never told anyone about it due to shame, etc. Instead, I just became withdrawn, shy, and extremely studious. When my mom did find out her attitude was "well what do you want me to do about it"? Once again I learned that I can only rely on myself. I was very close to my father and telling him would have killed him and he would have gone to jail for killing the step-uncle.... So, I basically decided at that stage that men were scum..<BR>I never dated in high school was too scared, and couldn't trust men. Instead, I out my energies into academics and music. Was #2 in my class and was all state in vocals and clarinet.....<BR>I got a job and I went to college on full scholarship (parents installed in me that if I wanted to go it was my responsibility). In my junior year of college I was physically attacked and almost raped (not via a date or anything like that. I was walking home from the conservatory). I dropped out of college, and never went back.<BR>Fast forward a few years and I started working as a waitress. That is where I met MM. I was 23 years old, scared to death of men and all of a sudden I met someone who I could talk to who didn't frighten me and who didn't seem to want anything from me. Boy was I wrong.....MM already had a 3 year old and had been married for all of 2 weeks. We talked about stuff in his life and mine. He was the first person that i ever told about my entire life to that didn't look at me like I was diseased or "dirty" or something..We bacame friends. I started hearing all of the marriage "horror" stories from him and fell for them hook,line and sinker..... I heard the same stories from his friends as well.<BR>When I was 25 I got massively drunk and it happened. The friendship went too far. We became lovers. WE both knew it was wrong but to be honest, as wrong as it was, I fell in love with him and didn't want it to end, and neither did he (I mean, now that I think about it WHY WOULD HE? He was having his cake and eating it too). I never Asked him to leave his wife and I never have (not that that makes my actions any "better" or "justified")<BR>When I was 27 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had both breasts removed. MM stood by me, and it kind of "cemented" what we meant to each other (or so I thought). I had these delusions that I meant something when the fact is, I probably really didn't.<BR>When I was 31 I found out I was pregnant.<BR>I was told I couldn't have kids due to the cancer, etc. But, I still used protection.<BR>Through all of that these twins were STILL conceived. Like it or not, I call them my miracle babies....I never planned for them but, I am glad as hell they are here.....<BR>MM was NOT happy at all. We seperated when I was about 3 months pregnant. Twins were born about 6 weeks premature and I almost hemoraghhed to death. A mutual friend of our called him and MM was right there. I was in ICU for days as were the twins. MM immediatly went into action. He decided right then and there that he was going to be a dad to the boys. While I was unconscious he put his name on the birth certificates, made decisions regarding their treatment, etc. He saved their lives....<BR>When I came out of it, he was there. No, his W still did not know (she didn't find out until twins were 4 1/2 years old).<BR>We stayed together , seeing one another in "secret", and he became very involved with the boys. It stayed this way for 3 years.<BR>Then , I became sick again, and that is when I decided I couldn't live like this anymore.<BR>I was 34 and was diagnosed with Lupus. It kimd of turned my life around.<BR>I stopped everything with MM. I couldn't see him anymore and we bacame parents and that was that.<BR>For a year that is what happened. Then, his W finally found out.<BR>The rest is history. I'll write more later if you are interested but, I have to go now. Sorry....<P>

Sorry I had to go, we had a fire alarm going.<BR>So, I'll finish the story from when I was diagnosed with the Lupus.<BR>When that happened, my life went into a tailspin. It was at that point that I decided I could no longer live the life I was living.<BR>At that point I ended things with MM. I told him he could see the boys whenever he please but, I just couldn't be with him. I needed to focus on my kids lives and mine. It was almost like I had a revelation. Although W did not know about us I all of a sudden "realized" COMPLETELY (I had always realized I was "hurting" her, I just could never completely admit it. I was in THAT deep),that I could not keep inflicting this pain on her.<BR>MM freaked out. For 6 months, it was agonizing hell. I was battling my health and battling him. He beat me up a couple of times, harrassed me to the point I lost a job, etc. I felt I never did anything because I felt I deserved it...<BR>Then, after 6 months of this crap, MM got drunk one night and told his W everything. OF course he blamed me for it all (heck I am to blame!). I got a phone call from her and we actually talked. We were civil, not friendly.<BR>I apologized, etc. I don't think I could ever apologize enough to her, EVER. I hurt her more than any person inthe world should ever be hurt. SHe blamed both of us of course & she decided to save her marriage. <BR>I made several promises to her and I intend to keep them. She has been incredibly "giving" in allowing our boys to have their father remain in their lives and after all I have done to her, the least I can do is to finally "honor" her which is what I should have done 11 years ago...<BR>MM on the other hand is still playing his games. He thinks of me as a possesion (or so I think). His attitude is that we will always be connected, etc. He still wants the realtionship with me,e tc. So, I am now in avoidance mode. I avoid him like the plague. He visits the boys. His W monitors it. I leave and we use neighbors as a pick-up drop-off point. <BR>I don't know what else I can honestly say. Just that what I did for the past 11 years I am nowhere near proud of. I am ashamed of myslef, my actions,etc. I can't take back the 10 years of invlovement, I wish I could.<BR>The life of an OW sucks. It gets you nowhere, certainly doesn't make you any friends, and all it does is hurt innocent people.. The only thing I can do now is try to make up for the pain I have caused and take care of my boys....<P><BR>

Duranie, wow...<P> I am glad that you are moving on with your life, or trying to, anyway. Sounds like you have had a rough time of it. <P> What was the catalyst that made you finally decide that the affair was wrong? Was it a beating from him? I am really surprised that you wanted to be with him after something like that. <P> I am trying to think of a place where you will get a lot of support... have you tried <A HREF="http://www.drbalternatives.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drbalternatives.com</A> ? The reason I am telling you of it, is not because I don't want you here... I just think that you need support from people that are not in the midst of dealing with affairs. <P> At DRB, the forum is for *all* parties of an affair. Granted, there are a couple that would flame you...but most would be supportive of you. I have seen a lot of people be very fair to exOW, there.<P> I still think that you would be helpful, here at MBs. Don't stop posting here, but do check out DRB. <P> Hope this helps you,<P> Mynabird

Sorry, that should have read: "support from people who are not in the midst of rebuilding their marriages, because of affairs. <P> MBs is a forum for people who are rebuilding their marriages... not that you couldn't offer a lot of in-sight... just that there may be some on here that wouldn't have much support for your situation. I just wouldn't want to see anyone use you to bounce rocks off of... because most here are dealing with OW who don't give a rat's patootie about their hurt.<P> Did I make any sense at all? Hope I wasn't too confusing, been working crazy hours, if that's any excuse...<P> Mynabird

Mynabird-<BR>The catalyst was finding out that I have Lupus. That very day I broke it off with him.<BR>I told him he could see the boys whenever he wanted but, the relationship with me was no more. It was AFTER we broke up and BEFORE his W found out, that he beat me up. He was visting with the boys(at my house)and I came home after the boys were asleep. I walked into the door, and he beat the living crud out of me....<BR>As for DRB...I have "lurked" there and I really don't "like" the atmosphere there to be honest. I mean, let's face it, I really don't belong there or here. I mean, I am really kind of the "enemy". I am very suprised that everyone here has "welcomed" me and my thoughts. Where I probably belong is at TOW (even though I am no longer an OW). But, if my presense is bothering people here, I will leave. I really don't want to inflict myself on people....<P>

No, no, no!! Don't leave! I'm sorry that drb is not helpful... but I really don't want you to leave MBs. <P> As I said, I think you have a lot to offer this forum. Honestly, I posted to your thread before I read the responses to your other thread. You seem to be well accepted here. I'm glad for that.<P> BTW, TOW site does have a private board for exOW who have ended their affairs. I have a hunch that you would find some to relate to, there. <P> Again, please don't stop posting... as someone else stated, you are one-in-a-million. Not at all like *our* OW.<P> Mynabird

<BR>Duranie,<P>Hey, don't go away! You don't belong in TOW, that board is full of vicious, vindictive OWs.<P>Bystander

Duranie,<BR>Admiting you made a mistake, apologizing, and taking all responsibility puts you WAAAAAAAAAAY above most other XOW we know of. I appreciate your story. I'm so sorry you've had such a hard life. Don't leave on my account!

Duranie<<BR> You stay here!!!! Do not leave this place. You are nothing like the typical OW many of us are dealing with, and I'm glad you shared your story with us. I for one will be glad to have you stay. Those who aren't comfortable dealing with you because of your past don't have to deal with this thread. I do feel that you are sincere, and that you realize what you did wrong, and are not making excuses. It is this honesty in you that I appreciate. I am sorry to hear about the abuse in your past, I have been there also. At the age of nine, I was molested by my stepgrandfather. He would lay me down on the hardwood floor of the front room while he was doing it, so he could lift the curtain on the front door and see if someone was coming home. I've had other problems in that area, but I've left a lot of that baggage behind. I feel for you. How are you doing? I don't know much about Lupus, but what I do know is that it is not something one wants to live with or die from. I have heard friends describing family members suffering with it. How is your treatment going? Is there such a thing as remission with Lupus? Sorry so many questions, but I really want to know how you are doing. My prayers are with you, Duranie. Please stay.

duranie,<P>i agree, don't go. we might all learn stuff from eachother. and i don't think you would belong on the OW board. they probably would flame you. i feel for you, you have been thru a lot. i work in the medical field, with a lot of breast cancer patients, and i am glad you are doing well. i was also a victim of sexual abuse, my "uncle" who was actually my dad's best friend. that is hard to go thru. so, stick around. <P>happy_girl

Duranie,<P>I was so moved by your story. Life is such an incredible thing. So many experiences -- good and bad -- shape who we are and what our eventual destiny will be. You have had a h**l of a rough life and yet you seem to have accepted it and not fallen into the trap of blaming everyone.<P>You made me think for the first time about the XOW's life. While I don't know the whole background of my XOW, I do know that she, like you, had a hard time trusting men and did not have much success with them. There is no doubt in my mind that she wanted my H because he is blessed with charm and a way of making you believe that he is living only for you. But, at the same time, I believe she thinks, as you do, the OC is her miracle. <P>She has not married to date and it is doubtful that she would have had a child at all. It would be so easy to feel sorry for her if only the MM was not my husband! (smile)<P>What I am trying to say is that I guess, at one time or another, we are all lost but the real measure is how we find ourselves and put ourselves back on that crazy track called life. I believe that I will have a happy life and I will have a happy marriage -- in that respect I feel luckier than the XOW who will never have my H open gifts with her on Christmas morning or share a slice of cheesecake and a cup of coffee with her at midnight. She will never have that sense of completely belonging to my H that she so desperately wanted. I have that sense even though he cheated on me. <P>So, I wish you well and I hope that you will stay around to get some support from us because you are also suffering as a result of an affair and an OC. And in many ways, your suffering is deeper and will go on longer than ours. For us, our H's were lost and found, but for you, your MM is lost forever.<P>I have no right to say this, but I hope that you will still consider finding a good, available man. No one should face the kind of health issues that you are facing alone and you can still have a wonderful ending to your story if you give it a chance. Just, NO MORE MM!! Okay? (LOL)<P>Sorry this was so long, but you really touched a nerve in me and my heart goes out to you along with my prayers. <P>Keep writing -- you are one of us...<P>- Heavenly<BR>

PS. I can imagine after your history with men and betrayal that a MM felt "safer" to you psychologically, in that you knew there would be a limit to the commitment. It's the fact that you have come out of all this and are trying to be honest and healthy about your situation that seems different from the other XOW we wives are dealing with. I respect your position--pat yourself on the back! And don't ever put up with any guy that beats you--ugh! If this is still a possibility, please get a restraining order! My grandmother had lupus for many years, the type affecting joints. She had to be on blood thinners that eventually caused a rupture of a blood vessel. I have heard lupus can be improved with exercise? Is that possible? I'm a great believer in alternative medicines.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

Thanks guys for your sincere thoughts. It is nice to know that I am welcomed here and I really do appreciate you guys allowing me to "invade" on your website..I know it took an incredible leap of faith to even LISTEN to an OW and for that I am appreciative...<BR>As for the abuse that I mentioned, ktgirl,and happy_girl, I am SOOOO sorry for making you guys relive your past abuse. It was not my intention by me mentioning it to drag it up in others that it may have happened to. I did not mean to make you guys relive that. Trust me, I know what it is like to relive it and it's not pretty. Sorry again.....<BR>As for the Lupus, I am on coumadin for it and they are also having me on painkillers,etc. Unfortunately exercise is not really in my vocabulary... But, I have good days and really bad days. It sucks but, it is a part of my life and I just deal with it (although there are times I just want to scream WHY ME and just cry my eyes out). <BR>Once again, thanks guys for opening up your hearts to me, and inviting me to stay. I do appreciate it. Hopefully we can help each other. I am game if you guys are.....<BR>PEACE

Dear Duranie,<BR> <BR> I am so glad you decided to stay. I really wasn't trying to run you off... I just have this habit of offering up all info I may have to people, including web-sites, lol.<P> I'm sorry about the Lupus. I have a dear friend who has been dealing with it since her early 20s. Sneaky disease. <P> About your boys... twins! Oh wow, I don't know how you do it, particularly considering your health. You sound like a strong woman. I wish my xH's W(was OW) had just a tenth of your class.<P> Mynabird<~~ tends to stick foot in mouth on occasion

Duranie:<P>You can't leave...we have much to learn from you. Besides you're receiving support and understanding here from W's and we're gaining a measure of understanding. <P>You don't put me off or make me feel uncomfortable...you give me hope that somewhere down the line other potential or existing OW's will have similar revelations and possibly prevent these horrible outcomes.<P>I realize your children are your blessing. I also realize that my OW feels the same way. The pain I struggle with is that SHE has my husband's child, I do not and never will have a child with him. so, from my POV, it is a horrible outcome; from your POV and the OW in my life, it is a blessing.<P>The difference here is that I am being systematically tortured by the OW in my life and I have such resentment and hatred toward her that I become a little more uncharitable as each day goes by. I am happy to see that I am able to separate you from her and feel a true empathy and respect for you. Apparently everyone here feels the same way. You're different and special case.<P>So, don't go away...I think we need each other here.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thanks guys. I think I should clarify something in terms of my boys and them being a blessing....<BR>I did not mean to "belittle" the W's here by refering to them as blessings (as I know that OC are more of a "curse" than a blessing to you guys).<BR>It is just that, after the cancer and the treatments, I was told I could NEVER have kids. I also have a hormonal disorder (Hirsutism) that would have prevented me from having kids as well. So, I was on BC pills to correct the hormonal disorder and I still ended up conceiving. Considering that I wasn't SUPPOSED to be able to have children, they are a blessing to me in that context. <BR>Also, after I had the twins, I almost died. I literally was hemoraghing to death and was in ICU, etc. The doctors performed an emergency hysteroctomy(sp?). So, I can't have any more kids even if I wanted. So, they are more of a blessing to me than anyone could ever imagine. I do not mean to "rub salt' on anyone here by referring to OC as blessings. It is just that IN MY CASE, my boys are blessings to me. But when it comes down to it, ALL kids are blessings, it is the parents <BR>and the circumstances that can sometimes be a "curse".<BR>Sorry guys. I just feel like I keep putting my foot in my mouth....<P>

Duranie:<P>don't misunderstand...I realize these children are a blessing to you! You did not put your foot in your mouth and I doubt if anyone here are that thin-skinned where they would not be able to acknowledge that.<P>Relax, Duranie...we are all entiltled to our opinions; you, me, them, whozits...et al.<P>They are your blessings, Duranie, and the way you are handling this entire situation is remarkable...<P>Don't get weird on us now and think you have to measure each word...Lord knows I don't! <P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Duranie,<BR> I agree with Catnip. Your children are blessings. You are raising them on your own in spite of all these health problems, and you should never worry about what you say in that way. You are to be commended, and I for one, am here when you need to talk. It's obvious that a lot of others feel the same way. Just hang in there, okay?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Duranie:<BR><B>As for the abuse that I mentioned, ktgirl,and happy_girl, I am SOOOO sorry for making you guys relive your past abuse. It was not my intention by me mentioning it to drag it up in others that it may have happened to. I did not mean to make you guys relive that. Trust me, I know what it is like to relive it and it's not pretty. Sorry again.....<P>PEACE</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Duranie,<BR> It's okay! Really, I have put that part of me away years ago. I made my peace with the situation, and I know that I was not the one who was doing wrong. I was betrayed by someone who claimed to love me. It's not a perfect world anymore, and things like this do happen. There was a time when I really couldn't deal with it at all, but I've sorted it all out now. It's just a part of my past. I believe that a person acheives growth by the experiences they encounter in life. All things bad or good have contributed in making me who I am today. I have had bad times, but I've also had plenty of good times in my life, and I like to think that I'm a pretty well balanced person now. Like Claree said in the movie "Steel Magnolias", "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." <P>

duranie, ditto on what ktgirl said. i have dealt with my past. volunteered on a sex abuse crisis hotline, which helped me immensely. and although i wouldn't wish it on anyone else, it has made me stronger. we all make mistakes, but it is when we act as if our actions don't affect others that we are truly mistaken. just as we have forgiven our husbands because of their remorse, i think that is why we can accept you. you are a good example to us here. and i think really help us see that not all OW's are bad. they are just people like us. <P>take care!!<P>happy_girl