catnip informed me that you have gone through the same experience that my H and I are dealing with now and I wonder if you might share a little insight.<P>Please go to my previous subject under "Now What?" and slothwoman to understand our issues. My H and I would appreciate any insight or how the future "feels" (especially for you K..) after you make a decision to stay with your W and OC.<P>Thanks for any help.<P>SW

slothwoman (a really lousy name---you're going to have to work on your self-esteem issues---or grow a couple more toes... ):<P>I'm about to head out on vacation so I won't get to continue this, but the future "feels" great. I love this child tremendously---I'd say "just like my own" only that's not really accurate. There's more too it---I won't say I love him MORE than my other two children, but he's a very special child---a tangible example of God's grace in my life.<P>If you're both motivated to keep the marriage together, I'd highly recommend counseling with the Harley's via phone counseling (888-639-1639). I counseled with Steve Harley during my wife's affair, and we're going back as a couple to Jennifer Harley. Steve is terrific, and I think the Marriagebuilder's approach would teach you the skills that you need to make these decisions and make your marriage terrific. It would also give your husband concrete proof of your willingness to work on the marriage (as well as giving him the chance to quickly rebuild your love for him). Steve did a tremedous job with me through a very tough situation: the details are in an <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html" TARGET=_blank>old post to Francis</A><P>Bystander is our expert in the legal issues here. Your situation is different in that this would be your first child, but if your husband has a strong desire to have a child, then I think this could work. The only uncertainty I had to deal with was my own uncertainty on how I would treat this "OM-baby"---and I was pretty sure that I was capable of loving it. But I already knew the joys (and perils) of fatherhood---so I have an advantage over your husband. He's got a double dose here---being a new father AND dealing with the issue of the child's conceptions.<P>If he's interested in being a father, and he loves you, I think he'll be able to love this child. The alternative of abortion is out for you. Adoption is perhaps a possibility. And I don't see divorce as a reasonable solution at this point in time (in fact, I predict with appropriate help you can have a terrific marriage). This is certainly a "big" deal, but often real growth (and good) come out of very tough situations. There's a big upside here for you two to learn to rebuild your marriage, and the child could be a catalyst for this effort.<P>Again, my strongest piece of advice would to embark on a marriage counseling effort centered around Harley's philosophy of "The four rules"---and I'd consider using either Steve or Jennifer for the counseling. Once you learn how to protect one another from lovebusters, be totally honest with each other, and learn to negotiate issues with the Policy of Joint Agreement so that they're "win-win" solutions---you'll have a terrific marriage. And one that you'd be happy to bring a baby into.<P>But get to work. Now!<P>I'll be back in 10 days. I expect a full report on how counseling went...