Okay All,<BR> I have finally convinced H to get restraining order against Mobyb***h, told him either he did something to keep her away from us or he could kiss me goodbye. I said I would only continue to work on the marriage if he put a stop to her hyjinks legally. I know, selfish of me, tough love and all. I know we need to save anything that she sends, but do we have to log all correspondence, or is just saving it enough, because she didn't date them. I know we have to log all times she tries to contact, by phone, in person, and where it happened, what all do we have to keep track of? Can we go get the order with what we have now, just the letters? Never done this before, want to make sure it gets done right. Please don't slam me too hard for giving him the ultimatum, I felt that after all he's put me through for over a year, he owes me this one thing, just for my piece of mind. I was also fully prepared to follow up on it, as I am serious. If he's not doing all he can to keep her out of our lives, I won't agree to put myself through any further hell. If this makes me unreasonable, I am sorry, but I see this as necessary to the survival of this marriage. Anyone whose ever had to do this with an OW/OM, please respond. Thanks

ktgirl-<BR>I have been contemplating a restraining order against XMM. It is getting real bad..<BR>But, here is the best advice I can give you if you are going to get one:<BR>1- Keep everything she sends to you. If she is sending letters TRY not to open them. Opening them gives her validation that you are actually interested in what she has to say.<BR>2- Your husband is going to have to get the restraining order, not you. If your husband gets it, it can go through family court and you can get it very easily. If you try to get one against her it would have to go through criminal court and sending letters (unless they are threatening) WON'T CUT IT there.<BR>3- Keep a log or record per say of EVERYTHING that she does. Log times, dates, places, length of conversation, etc. THIS IS VERY IMPORRTANT.<BR>4- Keep a level head about this. Let your husband handle this. If you get too involved, she could try to twist it around and say that you are harassing her,etc....<BR>5- Go to court hand in hand with your husband.<BR>This will show a united front, not only to her but to the court as well.<BR>Good Luck, o.k.?????<BR>PEACE...

Thanks Duranie,<BR> You don't think I'm being unreasonable about this do you? I just need some peace in my life, and I figure after she spends a little time in jail, she'll figure out that she really isn't wanted in his life. Right now, she just isn't getting it.

I haven't slapped a restraining order on OW, she slapped one on me. Apparantly you can say whatever you like, in fact, you can lie and say she has done and said things even if she hasn't, as what has happened in my case.<P>Restraining orders are easy to get on anyone for any reason, real or fabricated.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR> I didn't mean to upset you by bringing the subject up. I know what's happening to you is complete and utter b.s. Since all of us in the triangle live in the same town, and I am tired of having her chase him down, she even follows him when I'm with, and will drive by repeatedly, but not stop. I am tired of her sending him letters, calling etc, and upsetting him all over again, and I am seriously afraid he is going to go over the edge and hurt her. It'll be kind of hard to put this marriage back together if we have to limit meeting EN's to jail visits. LOL. By the way, have they thrown that last stunt your OW pulled out in the trash yet, legal papers shouldn't be considered breaking an order of protection, that is just so stupid. I know what goes around comes around, but don't you ever wish we had a fast forward button so we could make it come around a little faster? Take care. We all gotta stick together in this.

ktgirl:<P>Whoa, Ponies...you did not upset me in the least. I was just simply stating that retraining orders are easy to get on anyone...they don't even have to have done anything, as in my case, however, in your case where you are clearly being harassed, it should be a snap to slap the cow with an Order for Protection.<P>So, get that order and stop the harassment...and tell your spouse to chill...I'm sure the OW is not worth going to jail for...she would get her ultimate revenge on both of you if he ended up in stir for assault.<P>As for the final judgment for the OFP against me...you won't believe this, you absolutely will not beleive this...yesterday, in the mail, I received the Judge's decision on the Order for Protection against me.<P>For complying with the laws of the State of New York, for sending the copy of our answers for the appeal on CS decision, according to my attorney's instructions and in compliance with the the law, the JUDGE SLAPPED ME WITH ANOTHER TWO YEAR RESTRAINING ORDER. The restraining order is in effect until July 20, 2003.<P>The injustice is almost too much to bear. It has now become a thing of principle for me now...having little to do with the OW...now it's between me and the corrupt New york justice system.<P>I am going to write a letter to the corrupt judge and ask anyone who has an OC in their lives or an OW in their lives who is trying to destroy their marriage, to sign a petition that his judgment is unfair and probably illegal.<P>I am so incredulous that I could have a phony OFP be lengthened to three years just because I obeyed the law!<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR> Pardon me for being gross but If I were you I'd ask the judge how many b**w jobs he got from OW in order to do that to you, were there a specific number agreed to, or is she on the installment plan? LOL <BR> God I am so sorry Catnip. This is ridiculous. Something is definitely not right about that whole situation. With you being so far away, you have no idea what that loser is telling everyone there. This whole situation just sucks, and I really feel for you. And that he extended the order, it just boggles the mind. I wouldn't send any more legal papers at all. Unless a lawyer did it, I wouldn't do anything anymore. Then when they whined that they didn't receive something, you could just say that you didn't want to break the OFP rules, so you didn't send them. Thank goodness I don't live in NY. They sound pretty ate-up to me. It's amazing that they would do something so stupid to you. Find out about the Judicial Review board that has jurisdiction over the particular judge or judges, and have your lawyer write to them explaining what is going on, and lodge a complaint about the judge's actions in this case. You don't have to take this sh*t. Judges may think they are above the law, but they can be censured just like anyone else, especially if they are making bs rulings. It may take time, but don't let these idiots screw you over. <BR> Now for an update from here, OW sent an ultrasound of baby with the message "here's your kid." Did this on my b-day. Enraged my m-i-l, who has told her that if she doesn't leave us all alone, we are filing an harrasment charge against her, and also told her I am filing an alienation of affection suit against her. With the baby as proof, I would definitely win that one. I just can't seem to find a lawyer who will take the case. They all seem to think it's frivilous. Where are the damned adventurous attorneys, itching to set new legal precedents when you need one? I keep being told it's an old law, no will take the case on, on the other hand I have been told to file harrassment charges, but all I have on that is that she did knowingly take a job at my place of employment, and proceed on a campaign to get me terminated because she kept telling people she was scared I would hurt her with my forklift. She also told them that she "didn't know why I was angry with her, I'd never done anything with her husband." Yeah right. How do you go from not doing anything with to being pregnant with his baby. Does she really know how stupid she looks? I am just so sick of all this crap. I don't know what I can do. That lady in NC got a judgement against her OW, why shouldn't that option be available to all of us in the US? Not only a judgment, but a MILLION DOLLAR one at that!!! I am truly beginning to wonder if there really is any justice in this f****d up world. Excuse the profanity, but I am damn mad about all this crap. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!<BR> Well, I'm gonna go for now. This stuff all bites Catnip. Do you have my email? I think I posted it somewhere on one of these threads. Write me anytime you need consolation or just to vent. We all need to stick together. Bye now.

Wow. Ktgirl...thanks for the wonderful advice to write to the Judicial Board...consider it done! I never even thought of it!<P>I will work on a letter today and mail it in triplicate to as many members as I can find. I have to do this on my own as we owe attorney $11,000 and cannot pay him...anything. He is less than inspired to assist me in any way. We don't even have the means right now to sent him meager payments.<P>You know, until a year and a half ago, I had money. I still live in a really nice house and am surrounded with my beautiful furnishings and antiques from Grandma. Don't feel sorry for me...this is just a financial 'hiccup' due to the business' dormancy and a debt load spouse incurred during his illness. We will get through this. I won't lose any of my lovely things; but they are just things, n'est pas? I could easily part with some premium pieces and pay off considerable debt, however, it is not my debt and I refuse to sacrifice anything of mine that will help the OW in any way. She's taken enough already.<P>Happy girl: thanks for your steadfast support...I know I can count on you. I'll e-mail you for your address later. Thanks, Honey.<P>Thanks, ktgirl, for your hilarious support and outrage on my behalf...you made me 'snort' laugh...(that's when you know it's really funny when it makes you snort!)<P>Catnip =^^=

ktgirl-<P>WHOA WHOA WHOA,<BR>Please tell me what lady in NC got what judgement against what XOW??! Did the affair cause a divorce or was the W still married??<BR>Very curious, as that is the state our XOW/OC is in!! Any references appreciated.

Jenny,<BR> Yes there was a divorce, this suit was part of the divorce. Sued the OW (later to become the new mrs.) for alienation of affection. The woman who sued was dorothy hutelmeyer, and the OW was Margie Cox, later to become Margie Cox Hutelmyer. Court found in favor of the first mrs hutelmyer, to the tune of a million dollars. OW appealed, which was thrown out, and told to shut up and pay for the damage she caused. She must have been supremely embarrassed by having her name drawn through the mud, so she changed her name to Lynn Hutelmyer. This whole story broke in August of 1997, and I remember it so well, because I was about to get married, and thought, well if my H ever cheats on me (who knew), that's what Im gonna do. I went to newspaper archives on line, and found articles in North Carolina daily papers, if you want to read up on it. I printed some I found there, there are more articles on it at an AP news website, but they want you to pay to download and copy, so I just went to the North Carolina papers website and got a few there. It's really rough getting logged into those damn paper archive sites, you would think they were guarding national security secrets or something. It made national news back then, so I am sure that other papers may have articles in their archives also. Some expect you to pay, though, and I don't have a credit card as yet, so I couldn't get anything from them. I like to do in-depth research on things of interest to me, revenge tactics especially!!!! Hope this all helps. I gave you the dates, and names, that should help you to track it down. Greenboro, Durham, and Burlington were a few of the towns that were involved in the articles. Talk at ya later, let me know if you have any trouble, I did print out the articles, and if we could find a way to exchange addresses or something I could send you copies of them. Okay?

Catnip,<BR> Glad to be of help to you, anytime. Snort, huh? So I can be funny when I wanna be. I just hope the Review board isn't as screwed as the rest of the judicial system there seems to be. <BR> Sorry to hear about your financial woes, but let me tell you, Sister, I feel your pain. I have to dodge calls from bill collectors, I am behind on my car payment, overdrawn at the bank, and now school is ready to start. I have auto insurance, and other bills that have to be paid. Where I'll get the money, I don't know. Guess I'll have to stand on the corner with a bag of quarters. Nah, I don't have any quarters anyway. Reminds me of that old song by "Simply Red" "Money's to tight to mention." Oh and did I mention my license plates expired on July 31st, and I have a hundred dollar speeding ticket which I haven't had money to pay for yet, so that's probably a warrant floating around out there. If ever I don't post for quite some time, please send me warmest regards care of the Cole County jailhouse, okay? I just love living on the edge.LOL Talk to ya later.

ktgirl: I used to issue warrants in the sheriff's department. In our county, warrants didn't fo out until 90 days had passed, and then the only time someone was picked up on a warrant for speeding was if they were being stopped for another violation. The deputies never went to someone's house on a cheesy misdemeanor unless they had a felony or a gross too.<P>We had thousands upon thousands of old traffic warrants just sitting in boxes. People who paid their tickets got their warrant pulled and off their record. The warrants that sat there for more than two years just got dumped in the trash if there were no felonies or gross attached to them.<P>But back to all the other things you mentioned, isn't it ironic how your whole entire life falls apart, including financially, when spouse has an affair and spends money recklessly and causes all that financial mayhem to descend not just on him, but on you, too? <P>Catnip =^^=<BR>

Catnip,<BR> Yes it is. It's like the old saying "When it rains, it pours." Everything went to hell in a handbasket. They foreclosed on our home, so I had to move in with my Mom at age 38, and packing two kids with me. I am still at mom's and trying real hard to get things caught up, but it's starting to look like I'd be worth more to my family if I were dead! This is the pits, but he and I have had a long discussion on the financial things, and I told him that I won't live like that again. It'seither going to be a team effort, or I'll just get my own place and go back to being a single mother, which I have been for most of my adult life. He knows what mistakes he made, and has agreed that he has to be more of a partner in this marriage in several ways, mostly in the financial area. It's like an old r& b song I heard a long time ago "I can do bad by myself, I don't need someone's help to starve to death." I just realized that because I babied him, and basically took on the role of surrogate mother, it brought on a lot of our problems. I used to say when asked how many kids I had that I gave birth to four, and had one on loan from my mother-in-law, which at that time, was basically true. He's done a lot of growing during this seperation. He says all he can do is think about all the things he's done wrong, and he can't believe that I even want to work things out. He also knows that there is no guarentee that we will get back together. All future plans are contingent on his actions. I just had to get tough. I want a husband, not a bad roomate. I need a partner, and I've made that abundantly clear to him, and I think he actually understands. I want to believe that it will last, but I'm scared to trust in that again. I guess that will take me a little more time. I have no intention of becoming a "victim" for anyone, and that's pretty much what I was, when I let him continue in the behaviours that were leading to the depletion of our love bank. I have found a strength that I didn't realize I had. I think he actually likes the new stronger me. I hope so, cause that's the one he's gonna spend the rest of his life with if he so chooses. Well, talk to ya later. Keep me posted on the Judicial stuff, and anything else, okay?

Hi guys,<P>Sorry for crashing your thread.<P>Just wanted to give my 2 cents.<P>I have filed and won, an AHO (Anti-Harassment Order) on OW who has OC (8.5 yo). She was extremely abusive in messages she left on my answering machine for 6+ months. She was repeatedly warned by my H on my behalf that if she didn't stop, I'd involve law enforcement, but she continued (she knew I didn't want to because of OC). In one of her messages she even said how my H told her to stop and she considered that a threat! Unbelievable!<P>Well, by my Therapist's advice I never ever talked to her, we thought my non-participation would eventually defuse her aggressions, WRONG! It made her angier. So I resorted to an AHO.<P>I may be wrong but I don't believe an AHO is the same as a Restraining Order or an OFP. There was plenty of evidence (4 tapes full) and if OW violates it she goes to jail for 30 days, no question.<P>So if you want to get an AHO and have evidence of harassment, I'd opt for that as opposed to a OFP or RO.<P>Jo

Resilient,<BR> Thanks for the advice. Will mention this to H and see how things go. We are just tired of having to put up with her stalking behavior. Even my m-i-l, who joined as "Maybell" believes this woman to be a stalker, because she's had a few confrontations with her. She has chased her off their property several times, and threatened her with legal action if she continues to ignore their wishes that she stay away. We'll see how things go. I just want this woman to leave us all alone. We'll pay the support if the baby is H's, and m-i-l wouldn't mind having a relationship with the OC, she just doesn't want anything to do with OW. H still wants nothing to do with OW or OC, so it'll be hard to work that out. Again, thanks for the advice.

Resilient Jo...where on earth have you been??? I know you post occasionally on GQ, but I rarely go there anymore and personally, I've missed you.<P>Jo, if I call OW, write to OW, send her a copy of a legal document required by law, E-mail her, send her a telegram, a package via parcel post, Fed Ex, UPS or Pony Express...I, too, will be in jail for thirty days. She has a phony, slanderous, libleous Order for Protection out against me. And it is valid until August 2003.<P>So, an AHO, OFP, Restraining Order carry the same punch and all have the same end result. <BR>It both protects victims and perpetrators alike. In my case, the Perpetrator has issued an OFP against me, the Victim. <BR>The claims in her OFP was that I said I would take her child away from her by force if necessary. I never ever said that in a billion years and cannot figure out why she would say I would say something so ridiculous. <BR>She said she knew I had a gun and practiced at the range at the Indian reservation (true) and she was fearful for her life because I pack heat. Well, the only time I use my gun is for target practice at the range, I do not 'carry' because I do not have a permit to carry, and I never told her I own a gun. Besides, I live in the midwest nearly two thousand miles from NY. Does she think I am such a great shot that all I have to do is aim at Long Island from the top of a pine tree and she's in danger? Puh-leese! <P>All I can think of is when she was involved with my husband he may have told her that we shoot clays and target practice at the range and she used that as a way to get an OFP. I never threatened her; it never occurred to me that my practice at the range would become 'ammunition' against me...especially when it has been two years plus since I've even fired a gun and I had basically forgotten I even had the damn thing. <P>My days at the range of target and clays ended months before my husband began his fling with the Big New Porker, errr, Yorker. He likes to brag to people that I am a crack shot, so he probably 'shot' his mouth off to the OW to impress her that we did this sport together.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Catnip,<BR> If you ever have to send legal papers to OW again, perhaps it would be wise to put your H's name on the return address instead of your own.<P> BTW, I'll sign any petition you send to whatever judicial board you decide to contact in regard to the judge's actions.<BR>

ktgirl: First let me apologize for continually crashing your thread. I didn't mean for this to become my issue as well.<P>Sweetpea: Thanks for your support on this. I truly appreciate it...and I will take you up on your offer. <P>Regarding having my husband put his name on the document, our attorney specifically instructed that my husband not be the one to send the mailing because it is required that the document be sent by someone other then the Respondent. I could have had a third party do this but then there would be explanations and dragging in people who know nothing about this. It was just easier to do it myself. Plus, we had a time issue...it had to be postmarked by 7-7-00.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR> That's quite alright. I think just about all that I needed to hear has been posted, and your situation is related to this thread also. Your input is always appreciated. Plus, I always know when something new comes up with this. I am interested in what happens in your case also, because I feel like you are being treated very shabbily, and I want to see you win. I also want to be here to lend my support. Don't worry about the thread. It is serving it's purpose for all of us. Talk to ya later. It's pretty late here, and I want to go and write the H a nice love letter. Part of showing my admiration for him and all the growth I can see he has achieved. Never hurts to make a deposit of a few more love units!!!!! Peace to you, and may you have a very great week.