I have read some of the posts about what some of the mb'ers think about divorce. I am a Born again Christian and believe that you should always try and work on a marriage before considering divorce. I noticed that some people on here have said, and I know that the Bible says you should only divorce if someone is unfaithful to you.
I have been divorced from my first h since 1993. He was not unfaithful to me as far as I know, but there were a few instances where I wasn't sure. The reason for the divorce, was that I felt that I had tried as hard as I could and made all efforts to work our problems out (including talking to people in our church) and felt that it could not be reconciled. My parents were having major problems when I married my h at the age of 18. I felt like I had been pushed into it at the time. I was young, and didn't know better I guess. Anyway, the entire 5 years he and I were married was horrible for me. After the "mist" of being a newlywed cleared, I saw the man I had married. He was always either losing or quitting jobs. I had to work and we had 2 kids by the time I was 21 and he was 23. He never took responcibility as a husband and father. He was always chasing "get rich quick schemes" and never thought that a job was worth his time. He went to school and never did anything with his degree. I was working 70+ hours weeks while he went to school, in hopes of things getting better when he graduated. Things never did get better, he still called me an hour after leaving for work and said he decided to go fishing instead. I could not take this anymore. We had no money, no insurance and he was always asking his mother to pay our bills. We had to scrape up change to buy baby diapers and formula. I did not want to live like this and did everything from crying to begging him to please help our family. We talked to a priest and my h got very religeous. He said that he thought that God wanted him to start his own buisness. He quit all hopes of working and jumped from one buisness venture to another, all the while his mom was paying our way in life. He also would not let me get birth control...he said that God didn't want it....so we had another baby that we could not afford. I was the one who had to sit in a clinic in a not so nice town and wait to be called like cattle waiting to be branded. I was not brought up like this...I was from a well to do middle class family and this was not my upbringing. I didn't feel that this is where I belonged. After exhausting all efforts, I told him it was over...I had had enough. He resisted but I insisted. We got a divorce and I never did regret it. I am now remarried to a man who has not been out of work once since I met him and I work too. Our kids are well taken care of, we go on vacations and I feel that I am in the class of life that I belong in. We are not rich, but I feel comfortable.
I just wanted to ask everyone who is against divorce for any reason except in the case of being unfaithful, if I was so horrible for doing what I did. I believe that although my ex h was not unfaithful in a sexual way, he was unfaithful to the promise he made when we got married that he would love and honor....because I felt that you would not make someone you loved or honored live that way....am I wrong?
Melissa

Pandura,

No you are not wrong. We are human..we all make mistakes in life..that's why we are here, to learn. We each choose our own way..you chose yours and have apparently seen that you made the right decision.

God does not judge us..that is a human characteristic which unfortunately gets placed on God. God is all loving, all knowing and all forgiving...
Always remember that..

Love and Peace be with you..

Thank you Rhian...
I had noticed alot of people on here ripping people to shreds for getting divored...you dont know someone else's life unless you live it right?
thanks again
Melissa

Exactly Melissa

Passing judgement is done so very quickly by others.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I learned a long time ago if something upsets you or bothers you..then it doesn't matter why..the point is that it Does. That is what we have to work on, is how our particular circumstance(s) can improve.

Take Care
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree that (with respect to divorce) we shouldn't judge the people that have gone thru it without knowing all the facts. But in your case, I think what may have irked some people is not the fact that you divorced your first H but the way you went about divorcing him. Your posts touched a raw nerve with people that have gone thru the ordeal of an affair and see your comments as something similar to what their unfaithful ex-spouses said regarding their affairs. Please try to be understanding, because until you experience the pain of betrayal by your spouse firsthand, you can not possibly know the depth of utter despair and devastation it brings to the lives of so many.

Peace be with you.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I guess that other's who have been on the other side of an A would feel that way....
The only thing is, my H was told to leave and that it was over...he didn't want to and refused to let it go. He was even given a whole hearted, honest 2nd chance where I stopped the A at his request...and he didn't make any effort to fix us. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who doesn't hear IT IS OVER...I DON'T WANT TO TRY or I WANT A DIVORCE....and refuses to leave or try to change deserves what they get....especially if they don't even try to meet EN's. My h heard these things way before the A started.
I can't imagine that any of the people here who had their spouce cheat on them had heard these words and ignored it....it seems that most of them weren't even aware that there was a problem.
My ex knew there was a problem for years and never cared as long as he was happy.

I do understand why people who have been cheated on would take my ex's side, but I never did have sympathy for him...even years later, now, he still hasn't totally changed, and still isn't a man I would want to be married to.

I can understand that it was a mistake to have married your first H and that divorcing him was probably unavoidable, I can also understand why you may have had your A, but how can you, now a born again christian, still keep on justifying your A?

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

NO, as a Christian, I don't "condone" it....but looking back on my state of mind as a scared "child" I do understand why I did it....I desperatly needed someone....and I had no one...even the people in the church would not listen to reason...they all thought i should work it out at all costs...and sometimes you just can't...as I said before my ex still has the issues I left him with...they are not as severe, but its still there....he never did change.
And again, how was I suposed to make him leave? I just said, well, if you won't give me a divorce and won't leave, I am divorcing you in my mind...and you can't stop me from doing that. When he finally did realize and left, it was more then a year from when I told him it was over.

Thanks Pandura and I hope you didn't take ofense for me being too nosey with my question.

Toomuchcoffee...
Not at all...it is a discussion and I did ask for opinions! As I said before, I do understand why some people think the way they do about these things...especially if there were on the recieving end....I know that my mom was oblivious when my dad got caught in his A....she had no idea there had even been problems! I think that if there are problems in a marriage, they need to be addressed...if you don't talk, how does the other person know there's a problem right? I always speak my mind...and try to listen as much as I talk (I try LOL) But, when you feel like you are talking to a wall for years...you stop talking.....
Melissa

I found this post to be very touching, in that this young woman's situation parallels mine in so many ways. I am into the 2nd year separated from the same type of man she was married to. It has been a very difficult time, because my children weren't aware of the problem. I kept the home going and upbeat, until I became just too exhausted, loney and desperate. I complicated my decision to leave by involving another man as well - that was SO stupid. But we are human aren't we? And I forgive myself for much, although forgiving myself for blowing a family apart, by making the decision to leave, is hardest of all.

But I've grown so much closer to the Lord. And I think divorce is not so much the problem, as the situation that leads to the divorce. Th

I can relate as well to all of this..at least the "talking to a wall" part ughhh..Going through the same thing right now.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />