I've been away for a couple of weeks, first on vacation then my daughter was hospitalized. Gave us quite a scare. Doctors thought she had leukemia but turned out to be a "fixable" blood ailment. So, I am feeling happy and relieved - when I get a call.<P>The OW called me to let me know that my H stopped by to see her and the OC on the weekend. She even tried to imply that something inappropriate might have happened and made references to him acting "like old times". I don't think there was any sex involved because she would have been waving that piece of news like a flag. Instead, she was using innuendo to make me believe that something could have happened.<P>When I last posted, my H had decided to end his relationship with the OC. So, when I confronted my H, I expected him to say that the OW was doing this because she was angry that he cut off communication. <P>Instead, he started to back-pedal and ask me stupid questions like "what do you mean when you say stopped by?"! Obviously, the OW is telling the truth. And I am just heartbroken. It is bad enough knowing that he is sneaking to see the OC and sharing secrets with that b**ch but hearing it from her was the ultimate insult.<P>Right now I feel so tired. I have been in love with this man all my adult life. I have made a wonderful home for him, we have two beautiful children. I believed my marriage was worth saving but now I feel like such a fool.<P>And I was so surprised by the intensity of my feelings. All the old hurts came rushing back -- all the images of them together -- the things I have tried to suppress for years came flooding back like they happened yesterday. <P>I am so discouraged tonight. I told my H very calmly that things were not going to work out between us. He immediately became very sweet and tender -- I guess he thought I had finally been pushed over the edge. But, I just could not put on my "smiley" face, say the "I forgive you" speech, and keep going.<P>It's not allright -- none of it. It never was. And some days, even though I love him so much, I wish that he was the one staying up crying at night, feeling lost and empty inside. I feel like all the life has just been sucked out of me.<P>I'm sorry if I am depressing everyone. I'm crying too much to make any sense.<P>- Heavenly<P>

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your H was wrong. You have a right to protect yourself. Everyone has their breaking point. Maybe you and your H can still work it out, but it sounds like he needs professional help and a willingness to make big changes.<P>Be nice to yourself. God bless,<BR>Jenny

Heavenly, <P>I am very sorry to find you in such a depressed mood.<P>You and your H need to sort this mess out again. Counselling that addresses the issues of acceptable boudaries and trust will be helpful for your marriage.<P>It is sad that he went back on his word and gave OW - that ugly (this one is from me) b**ch (as you called her) - a little victory over your position. I think you know that your H prefers you but only you know in your heart how to 'domesticate' him.<P>I do not know your story but I beleive that something has to be done to ensure he never sees her again - can you move?<P>I hope to hear of happier news from you.

dear heavenly, sorry you are having a rough time. so glad your daughter is okay. your husband shouldn't be sneaking around. it gives the OW this little bit of power she uses to try to hurt you. and he should want to protect you.<P>i know how those feelings can come flooding back. when the lawyer decided my H should try for visitation and put it in the response, i freaked. it had always been that he did not want to see OC, and now here it said in black and white visitation. i cried, i felt sick. he told me that the lawyer said it would reduced support. but that he didn't want visitation. i told him that he needed to decide now. i can't have it wishy washy. he said he never wanted to see OC and doesn't plan on it. but i still felt sick.<P>i think you did right by not just forgiving him and going on. maybe he needs to see that you aren't gonna put up with this. either total honesty or nothing. the truth is always easier to handle even if it hurts. a lie makes me mad. i hate lies.<P>well, try to cheer up a little. and don't worry about depressing us. we have all felt this way at one time or another and that is what the forum is here for. take care, and be strong.<P>happy_girl<BR>

Heavenly:<P>I hope your husband can see what an evil troublemaker the OW is and that he will stay away because he knows she will call you if he goes to see OC again without your knowledge.<P>It's bad enough they (OP) have hurt us so deeply by screwing our husbands, getting themselves pregnant, but to be so evil as to further inflict pain by calling you and informing you that your husband was there and almost gleefully acting smug about it makes me ill. <BR>The innuendo that something happened between them is unforgivable.<P>Until the day I die, I will never understand the cruelty of man, or in this case, woman. I am so sorry, heavenly. I am so sorry you have been again betrayed by your husband and that he has gone back on his end of the bargain. Don't you wonder what they are thinking? Why they would jeopardize everything for someone so despicable? <BR>If he wants to see the OC, or feels a pull, tell him to take it to a Retrouvaille priest where they will tell him he has absolutely no responsibility to the OC other than financial. He will tell him his first responsibility is to YOU and the marriage. nothing else.<P>What did your husband say about going to see OC? What was the catalyst? Does he realize at all how dishonest it was for him to do that without your knowledge? Does he realize what an awful person she is to deliberately inflict further pain on you? Is he aware he cannot trust her?<P>Heavenly, I certainly understand your reluctance to move forward with this marriage after finding you have been lied to again however, if your husband is willing to read the books and apply the principles, then perhaps a chance is deserved.<P>Take care, Heavenly...watch the actions carefully...they are far more telling than actual words.<P>Catnip =^^=

Heavenly,<BR> Lots of big hugs to you right now. I am so sad to hear of what your husband is doing. He can't keep playing you, saying one thing and then doing another. Don't give your forgiveness until it is crystal clear that he is sincere in his dealings with you. Otherwise, you'll be better on your own. He can't keep putting you through this. Be strong, and we are all here to help you through.

Thanks everyone. It is amazing how putting some distance between you and the problem can make you see things clearer. <P>I kept my word and I have not forgiven him. Instead of pretending to be "distant" I have actually been using this time to think seriously about how much I can take. As much as I love him, I am not sure that I want to live on a roller coaster for the rest of my life. <P>I have not decided to give up the marriage, but I am asking myself some very hard questions. <P>Jenny is absolutely right. I cannot accept any more insincere attempts to work things out. My H has to be committed to being the team that we once were.<P>Thanks, weep, for adding the "ugly"! As a matter of fact she is ugly and sharp as a bowling ball! I could slap my H when I think about what he has thrown away for this tart.<P>And, Catnip, the thing that bothers me the most is that my H cannot see what an evil troublemaker the OW is. He sees her as some kind of victim who has to raise a child alone. Somewhere in his sick mind, I believe he actually admires her for being a valiant single mother. When I told him that she called, he had the nerve to intimate that I might not be telling the truth -- because he could not believe she would do such a thing!!!! Oooohhhh!<P>Well, KT is right - he cannot keep saying one thing and doing another. I know he's torn apart because he does not want to abandon a child that he is responsible for. But I try to tell him that the other side of the coin is abandoning me and our children.<P>I am playing it cool for the next few days. I will pamper myself and try to find out what I really want -- for the first time in this marriage.<P>Thanks guys for being there. I will keep you posted. I may try to do counselling again, but not unless I am convinced by his actions that he means to do what he says.<P>- Heavenly

Heavenly,<BR> He may take some time to do it, but if he is really serious about the two of you working out things, he will show the signs that he is sincere. I didn't trust or believe in my H's words until his actions started saying a lot more about what he wanted than his words did. Then and only then did i decide to put my heart back into it, no matter what we had to face. Good luck to you, and spoil yourself. Do anything you need to to make yourself feel better. Take it easy.

Heavenly,<P>Do pamper yourself and make yourself absolutely ravishing. Smeel wonderful, feel desirable, and walk tall and lightly.<P>Smile to your children, laugh with them, go to little teas with your friends.<P>When you act good, you feel good. Keep the house filled with warmth and laughter and LIFE and your husband may find it all too irresistible. If not, you have yourself a new mindset and a more joyful environment for your children.<P>When I learned of H's A, I did all these things and my baby really loves it, especially the perfume and nice clothes and makeup. Baby actually let out a squeal of delight!<P>Pray hard, I find it so good when I leave my burdens in God's hands.<P>As for the devious, deviant, shallow, stupid, and ugly b***h (scoring more brownie points here, eh?) of an OW, you cannot control her, you can only get your H to commit to become a team in your marriage.<P>God bless you.

You know, Ktgirl and Weep, I bought some glamour magazines today for the first time in years. I had a ball looking at all the makeup and skin creams and bath oils. I bought myself a gift pack of jasmine bath oil and lotion, came home and took a lovely bubble bath.<P>You know it really did a world of good. And, when my kids said "Mommy, you smell so pretty!", it did put that smile you were talking about on my face.<P>H is verrrrry quiet... I am not saying anything and I think he is a bit afraid. Usually by this time I am trying to mediate a solution, telling him how much I forgive him, and yada yada yada ... But right now, he doesn't know what I am thinking and I'm not saying -- not until I really know what I am thinking.<P>No truer words have ever been spoken than the ones you said about putting your burdens in God's hands. Praying and reading the bible every day is helping me to keep the little bit of inner strength I have left and I know it is helping me to build on that and make me a stronger person.<P>Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and your blessings.<P>- Heavenly