well guys, my problem today is guilt. not that it is not a problem every day. but i always feel like i will always have this black cloud over my head that i can't accept the OC. not that i have a choice, my H doesn't want to be involved in OC's life, but i am glad he doesn't. i don't think i could ever accept the OC if he wanted to have a relationship with her. but i just know i couldn't do it.<P>i constantly feel as though god will never forgive me that i am glad we have no contact. i know this is a religious thing, but it is always there. especially at church, sometimes i don't want to go, because i feel like a complete hypocrite.<P>i just don't know what to do? anyone else out there with these torn feelings?? any suggestions? please let me know. when will i have peace with our decision. if ever. and do you think god understands?<P>thanks guys.<P>happy_girl

I perfectly understand the guilt you feel as a result of going to church. I think reading the bible (been slacking off as a result of WS's affair and my sudden tortured state of mind) would help you deal with the OC.<P>King David had an affair with Bathsheba when he saw her bathing. He didn't have any business doing that as he was supposed to be in battle. King David also had Bathsheba's husband put in very dangerous conditions and he died as a result. Bathsheba gave birth to OC but OC died. <P>God punished David with OC's death as well as turning David's own son against him.<P>After David confessed and fully repented to God, he married Bathsheba (as one of the wives) and they have a son Solomon.<P>I believe that God is not pleased with what your H did - adultery is the only sin serious enough - in both the biblical and legal sense - to call for the severing of marriage vows.<P>Although I love children - orphans, kids at risk, and all the little ones - I will not have anything to do with an OC because that would rob my own child of the rightful care and love and OC means OW and that could start a whole new thing going in the future.<P>ALthough this is a difficult post to answer, I am attempting to do so because I understand where you are coming from and you think God will be angry with you. Clear your conscience with God and tell Him your fears and He will give you peace to go with your decision. OC was not the result of your actions but the way the Devil can use to create problems and in your case, a guilt that makes worshipping Jesus difficult (I know, I am at this point where I find I cannot lift my hands to God because of the hatred in my heart for my H).<P>Let the OC go, and ask God for his blessings in your life.<P>

I agree with what Weep said. I also found a lot of comfort when I spoke to my pastor, and he said that there was no reason that I had to have contact with the OC. And that my husband only needed to follow through with the financial side. To hear those words from a man of God, gave me a relief from my guilt. I am still trying to give God my anger and hatred towards the OW, but it is hard when we are suffering. I think if the financial burden was not hurting us so much it would be easier. But to live with that monthly burden and reminder will take a while to get over. <P>babstr.

Happy Girl:<P>God understands how we all feel. He is a merciful God and I believe He would not punish you or me for not wanting the OC in our lives.<P>The funny thing is, is that I would love to have the OC in my life, as mine, and mine alone...no OW. Wanting a child of our own has been a secret longing/desire for our entire 21 years together. This is why it is so doubly painful for me.<P>I saw the OC; just got a glimpse of her in her pram at court. She looked so cute and was being so good. I have a real loving feeling towards her because she is my husband's child. I raised his other two children from a previous marriage, and I couldn't love them more if they were my own.<P>I know she's a good little girl and sweet, and innocent and I also know she has an involved mom (XOW) with a huge family. She does not need our family or my acceptance. I am sure she will long for attention from her father someday when she is older, but because of her Mother's actions and her selfishness, and that of my husband's, she will be denied that relationship. It isn't my doing. God won't punish me for not wanting her in my life because of the hardship to our family and the sadness and conflict it would bring to our family. And it isn't your doing.<P>Protect your family first. The guilt you feel does not belong to you. You did not cause this child to be here. The OW is depriving the child of an intact family because she was too selfish to give it up for adoption to a couple who is prepared to offer the child a stable home environment with TWO loving parents. This is HER sin, not yours. Why should you allow your life and your family to go through the angst, embarrassment and upheaval of explanations after all you have already been through.<P>Accepting OC is a personal decision. For us, it will never happen...as much as I would like it to. Our grown children would be horrified, we're old as dust (grandparents) and my husband has too many psychological problems to be able to handle something like this. I'm way too intense and emotional and get attached and tend to get involved too easily. It would just break my heart over and over again...and at this stage in my life, I just can't deal with it. It would resurrect all the pain and sadness and retard our healing, which is tenuous, at best.<P>Focus on your family first and let the OW take care of the OC. Your husband's only responsibility to the OC is financial support...nothing more. His first, foremost and only responsibility is to you, then your children with him, his family of origin.<P>Catnip =^^=

Happy_girl,<P>Just last night I wrote in another thread started by Jenny how I wish my OC would just disappear and I pray every day that God will not punish me eternally for the fact that I despise a little girl who has done absolutely nothing to me. Believe me, I know how you feel.<P>I used to read the Bible every day and Weep is right, it gave me great comfort. It was helping me to get through life. It seemed like every passage was speaking to me. <P>But, then I hit a real rough spot on the XOW/OC road and my heart has hardened so much that I only occasionally read the Bible. My OC represents so many bad things -my H's violation of our marriage, his absolute betrayal of me, the secrets his shared with another woman ... and, at the time I was in Catnip's situation -- we were desperately trying to have a child of our own.<P>I cannot put any of these things fully to rest and I believe that, especially if she is in our lives, she will be a constant reminder of these hurtful feelings.<P>I suffered a life-threatening heart ailment two years ago. Although I should have died, through a miracle, I was saved. And every day I think about how God could forgive me all of my sins and give me life back, but I cannot offer forgiveness to a child who has done nothing at all to me.<P>In church, when the priest talks about forgiveness, I cry every time just thinking about that little girl.<P>But, aside from this one thing, I believe I am a good person. I help anyone who is in need and I take good care of my family. I also don't think that God wants me to be unhappy. So, I rationalize that it has to be this way if I am going to be able to keep my own family together.<P>There are times when I want to tell my H to bring the OC to my home, but I also know that if I start a relationship with her then I have to understand what I am getting into. You cannot start a relationship with a child and then drop it. That only deepens the scars in them.<P>Like the others have said, pray for God to show you what is right for you, to help you find out what is truly in your heart. If your heart says you cannot accept the OC, then concentrate your energies on saving your own family. At the end of the day, the OC really has nothing to do with you and you don't need to feel any guilt.<P>Good luck, I'm praying for you.<P>- Heavenly

thanks guys!! i don't have time to post right now. but you made me feel better. i am off to breakfast with hubby.<P>happy_girl

I have been struggling so with this, tyring to put myself in the frame of mind for what could happen to us, the worse case scenario. We will not know probably until the February birth if my H's one night stand reasulted in an OC. Then we might not even know because the OW has seemed to fallen of the face of the earth and we have been advised not to contact her. Well, anyway, my Christianity has been attacked big time with this. Our pastor, who is counseling us, has said that my H should not feel guilty for not wanting to have anything to do with this and not have any feelings what so ever for the OC. So, I guess I definitely should not feel guilty for my feelings. This innocent child could ruin me, I struggle so everyday with the possibilities on top of my heartbreak. I don't know if I could stand the constant reminder of the infidelity, I just start to shake when I think about it. I think for now my fear overrides any guilt.

Do not feel guilt over NOT wanting to have anything to do with the OC. The OC is NOT your problem, it is the problem of the OW and your H. I am NOT religious at all anymore. One of the reasons I left the church (lutheran) was because of the overwhelming guilt heaped upon the parishoners for EVERYTHING (and I am not just taking about the affair, HECK I DESERVE TO FEEL GUILT OVER THAT!) But, to be perfectly honest, as a former OW, I am glad that the W in my situation wants nothing to do with my boys. <BR>I want to be their only mother. Call it selfishness or what. But, that is how I feel.<BR>It would probably kill me if their father didn't but, I also look at that as his decision and his conscience.<BR>What you are feeling is perfectly normal and valid. Don't feel bad or guilty about it.<BR>SMILE>>>

weep, babst, catnip, heavenly, carriemom, and duranie...<P>thanks so much for all your words and the feelings behind it. i am feeling much better now, and will have to work on getting past this so i can move forward with our life. i guess the thing i feel worried about too is that we don't have children of our own. so this is his only child. we are planning children, but later in our marriage. when we are a little older, and i pray, a little wiser. though he promises he will never hurt me like this again. that he has learned from his mistakes. i sure hope so.<P>well, i am off to work. take care you guys. and you are all in my prayers.<P>happy_girl

wrong post...<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited September 06, 2000).]

well...I really do not even know where to start. I have felt a lot of guilt also. My H has not had any physical contact with oc. Of course that is partly bc she lives on the other side of the country.<BR>I feel my H and Ow were the selfish ones to have the affair to begin with and even more selfish and selfserving to have the child. I do not believe in abortion but i do believe they should have looked real hard into adoption. But ow would have nothing to do with it.<BR>I truely feel oc is totally innocent and am very sad for her that she will not grow up with both parents. I am upset with my H for not being involved in her life. I think part of it may be that he so easily seems to be able to forget things and I feel he created this mess and he therefore should live up to his resposibility. I do not feel that he is. Oc is almost 1 yr old. I know and he knows that he wont have any sort of relationship with her now bc of age and distance, but he plans to in the future.<BR>I am totally for a relatinship with oc as long as ow never steps foot in my house and H never steps foot in hers. If H and ow can seperate them from child I am more than willing to open my heart.<BR>It is not the babys fault. It is her selfish mother and father. I will not punish an innocent little girl for their stupid actions.<BR>However, I understand why no one would want oc in their lives. No one can blame you. As far as how God will look on you all I can say is pray pray pray. Maybe god convicts everyone differently. I just know that for now God has convicted me to help oc. Lord know her parents wont.<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited September 06, 2000).]

Happy Girl: I'm feeling so much of the same things right now. The OC is due in February and my H and I are working on recovery. We have a 2 year old child and talked about having another one. During his affair he even brought it up a couple times. I do not know if I can accept this OC in my life. I honestly dont' believe I can. And with the OW living less than 5 minutes away I'm not sure how realistic it will be for OC NOT to be in my H life. At this point in time he doesn't want contact. But isn't sure how he'll feel once he sees the baby. In my eyes it takes so much away from our daughter. And I feel resentment that this sacrafice and error is at her expense. A good friend of ours just had a baby. It's tore me apart and I couldn't stop from crying because I feel inside I'm ready for another baby. Yet we have this impending doom that could mean the end of our marriage. And to know my H will have another one but not with me. It hurts so badly knowing I have to put my family on hold (possibly permanently) because of all this. I don't know what's going to happen once this baby is born but I know the next year has even greater pain in store for me. I also feel guilty for feeling this way. I am not religious but believe is God in my own way. I don't so much feel guilty about my not wanting contact but my wanting my H to not want contact and if he does want it that it may be too painful for me to witness. Meaning I'd have to give up my marriage and take away my D's family. Like I should endure the pain for her sake and my marriage's. I just don't want to live the rest of my life crying myself to sleep every night.<P>One last thing I am torturing myself with. That is that I keep wishing that OW will miscarry the baby. While this would give my existing life a chance I hate that part of me. I feel like just having those thoughts GOD is going to punish me even further. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Happygirl,<BR> I don't feel like a loving God would punish us for not wanting to have contact with a child born of a violation of our marriage vows. What God hath joined together, let no put asunder (or woman). Remember? I feel the ones who should be feeling guilty should be the ones who went against that and did try to put asunder what God did join together. Let them bear the guilt. I did nothing wrong, and neither did you. Do not feel guilty. For anything. You have loved and supported your H through this whole thing, and are trying to preserve the vows you took in God's eyes. This proves too God that you didn't take your marriage vows lightly, but approach them with the solemnity he requires of us all. Pat yourself on the back, because you are doing what God wishes for you. Don't ever think otherwise. Hugs to you my friend. You are still my "favorite angel".

broken wings, thanks for your thoughts on this. it crosses my mind everyday. but i am slowly trying to let it go. i am asking for forgiveness and god's understanding of my feelings on this. and then, i will go on. i know that we have a loving and forgiving god. but i often feel that even if i ask for forgiveness, is it an ongoing sin?? a priest told me no, no moral obligation to have emotional relationship, but yes to support. he said that the mother could have chosen to adopt the child out, and i agree totally. that did help. but i still have that worry.<P>lsm, hey, how have you been? i am so sorry you are suffering so much. my prayers and thoughts go out to you. i don't have children yet and often wonder if that is why i have the attitude i have. we weren't and aren't planning children till i am about 28, and H 30, i should be done with school then, and we will have been married for 8 years. i wanted so much to have an almost perfect marriage. but now we have this. oh well, nothing is perfect. take care. see ya later.<P>ktgirl, thanks as always for your support. i know i am doing my best to honor my vows. but i need to forgive myself i guess, and then i can move on. i need to accept my decision, H's decision. and then i will keep on going with our life. i worry for H's soul too. isn't that a woman for you. i will talk to ya later.<P>happy_girl