I can tell when I am having anxiety because I eat crappy foods. If I am in a bad place, I tend to 'comfort' myself and 'reward' myself by indulging in things I would not ordinarily eat. This morning, it was chocolate pie for breakfast. Lot's of whipped cream.<P>I haven't thought much about the OW or the OC, except in passing, for days. On October 24th, it will be two years since my husband met the OW. It's that two years demarcation point we all hear about. It's supposed to get better from that point on. We will see.<P>The problem I am having to come to terms with is that I don't have just one 'discovery' date; I have several.<P>Let's see. First 'discovery' date was October 26, 1998, when my husband came back from that party in Dallas and smugly told me that he had met a girl at the party I refused to attend and she told him she thought he looked "thirty-nine". (yeah, in 'dog' years)<P>The second 'discovery date' was November 2, 1998, when I picked him up at the airport after having his first weekend with her (I thought he was in NY on 'business'...Monkey business) He rolled off the plane roaring drunk, I brought him home and he tore the closet door off it's hinges and passed out on the bedroom floor. I found 'her' name, address and phone number in his wallet, on the back of his business card. He said, "Don't you look in my wallet!" Uh, OK. Of course, I looked, who wouldn't with a challenge like that? Curiousity and the cat and all. <P>The third 'discovery' day was November 13th, 1998, when my husband left to fly to NY again to be with her and left his brand new Suburban at the health club over the weekend. I found it, went through it, found evidence, and took my car and backed up and proceeded to smash his new truck with my truck, several times, in a blind rage. I called the cops to report myself. <BR>The cop said, "Look, Lady, it's your truck. If you want to smash your own truck, I can't arrest you for it." OK<P>Husband moved out of the house (I changed the locks) and slept in the office for two weeks before his apartment was available on December 1.<P>Fourth 'discovery' was Thanksgiving weekend, 1998. I was leaving the office and husband followed me into the parking lot. I was looking particularly fetching, feeling faux confidence and false bravado. Spouse says, choked up, "I care so much about you". That was insulting to me. I don't need him to 'care' about me. Anyone can 'care' about anyone...that's just not special enough. If he wasn't madly in love with me and if I didn't devastate him, it just wasn't good enough.<P>I told him, "Don't worry about me...I'm like a cat...I always land on my feet." Stuck my nose up in the air, smiled at him and got in my car and drove away as I pretended to be on my cell phone, hoping he would wonder who I was talking to.<P>I didn't know he was flying to Dallas that day for Thanksgiving with the OW. It never occurred to me that a woman that old, who was a virtual stranger, would screw my husband without protection and get herself knocked up that weekend.<P>I spoke to him a lot that weekend over the cell phone. He said he was there to get a car and have it towed for his friend, Dennis. It was really for her. When I asked him if he was there with 'her', he kept saying, "I haven't seen her" "I haven't seen her."<P>He came back from Dallas and we started having sex again.<P>The day after he came back from Dallas, she called him and told her she got pregnant a couple days earlier. That's one of the reasons we are sure she planned this. Why would any woman take a pregnancy test as soon as her feet hit the floor unless it was intentional? She also took an EPT test their second weekend together. My husband told me that when she did this, it didn't register to him that this could happen, he thought she was just playing games with him. What an idiot.<P>On January 1, 1999, my husband came home. I knew instinctively he was having an affair, but because he denied it and because he would not admit any sexual involvement, and because I wanted to believe him, I ignored my instincts...I chose to believe this was just an EA with no PA.<P>The fifth 'discovery' day was January 4, 1999, My husband told me that he had been sexually involved with this woman. I remember every single thing about that moment; the buzzing in my ears, the stinging rush of cold-hot running through my body and up my neck into my face and head and the tears flowing not in drops, but in sheets down my face. The smell in the room of coffee and burning wood...my favorite smells now associated with this...sigh. My husband as he choked out the words and hung his head and cried. How we held each other and just cried. It was so weird, I had never seen my husband cry in twenty years.<P>The sixth 'discovery' day was January 12, 1999. That's the day I found out she was pregnant. I suspected there was something more to the story because he was so protective of his cell phone. He wasn't making calls to her, she was calling him and he wasn't answering. I couldn't understand why he just didn't tell her to get lost. He acted so upset, I knew there was something more. I said to him, "What's going on? Is she pregnant or something?" He turned to me and screamed, "Yeah, she's pregnant! Are you happy now?" I screamed and collapsed in the chair. He ran over to me and said it wasn't true, he was sorry for upsetting me, but, I knew. I tricked our attorney's assistant into telling me. When my husband left for the club for a workout, I called the attorney's assistant and said, "Yeah, David told me everything...I don't know what we're going to do". She said, "Oh, I know, we feel so bad, maybe it's not true, maybe she's lying, maybe it isn't his." Bingo. the stinging hot-cold thing swept over me again. When David got home, I told him of my conversation and we sat on the sofa, again, and repeated the emotional, traumatic scene, again...the house smelled like coffee and buring wood, again. The tears, the remorse, the...well, you know the rest.<P>So, I have had SIX 'discovery' days...six milestones, and if you include the OC's birth on August 19, 1999, make it seven. And then the DNA testing...February 2000, make it eight! And if you include the end of spouses withdrawal, June 15, 1999, make it nine.<P>Withdrawal was weird, too. I don't know if it was so much his indecison about wanting her or guilt as he felt that too much damage had been done between us and he didn't know if it could be repaired and he doubted he was up for the challenge, didn't think reparation was possible. I would like to analyze this to death someday, but not today.<P>These milestones and anniversaries are the bookmarks in the pages of our histories that are the tragedies and events that have changed us and our lives-forever. These events are the challenges we all face and have to get through. This takes time. Just like when we loose a loved one to death...there are the predictable time frames where the suffering is most intense, and then dwindles a bit with some time...there is the six month demarcation point, the twelve month, the two year, the five year???<P>I am coming up onto the two year for everything. My journey through the pain was amazing, just as it is for you. Jenny will remember my incredible anger and negativity when I first came to the forum. Jenny and Audrey gave me the strength I needed to get through the rage and Harley's prinicples gave me the tools to heal. The rage has left me for the most part and now I guess I am into acceptance, even compassion.<P>The ups and downs I have experienced with spouse are incredible, too. With his debilitaing illness, our progress was severely hampered until just recently. I must really like a challenge.<P>The 'trigger' words don't bother me too much anymore, I no longer cry daily, I rarely scream in my car anymore and I am seeing more friends again and paying more attention to my family, and to me.<BR>My husband, in spite of his illness, is so loving and warm, he almost smothers me. And I like it. It feels familiar. And as always, I am still completely and deeply in love with my husband. He still does it for me and I can't imagine my life without him.<P>Those six weeks he was gone and I was here alone, I slept with his robe and cried myself to sleep every night. Part of me, an essential part of me, was gone and I was no longer complete. I believe it is these feelings that make us all stay in these marriages and fight so hard to keep them whole. To repair and restore.<P>Though I never expected this thing to happen to us under any circumstances, though I believed my husband was incapable of doing these unspeakable things, I realize now that as frail human beings, we all do terrible things, think terrible things and say hurtful things. Admittedly, what our spouses have done is the worst possible thing they could have ever done to us, with damaging horrible consequences, but, most of us are in recovery of some form or another.<P>I posted all this so some of the newcomers wouldn't get too discouraged, to realize there are stages and challenges and even happy endings...<P>We hear a lot of people on this site talk about how after a discoveries of this magnitude slaps the WS into 'mea culpa' and their desire to repent and restore the marriage and suddenly, they are closer than they have been in years, maybe closer than they ever were. <BR>For the Betrayed, it isn't fair. they didn't do the damage...they have the fallout, the pain the uncertainty and the lack of confidence and questioning what their beleifs were...it's a mess. But the WS suddenly 'gets religion' and is scared to death they're loosing their family and wants to fix things. The weird thing is is that the WS on other sites where a pregnancy with the OW isn't a concern, these WS seem to have a tough time giving up their OP. Probably because there is no 'traumatic event' to slap them back into reality. This is perhaps the only 'upside' of our situation...if you can call it an upside.<P>I don't post too often so when I do, I just go on and on and on and on and on....I've stopped apologizing for long posts long ago as it has become my MO...thanks for listening as I wax philosophical. <P>Catnip =^^= <P>

Hi Cat,<P>Thanks for sharing. I hope that if there are any lurking OWs out there or Betrayers, they will read this and have second thoughts about what they are doing and how much their actions affect other people. Just as it must seem unreal to us, I am sure it all seems unreal to them and they see it as some wonderful dream. It's not a dream, it's a nightmare that the faithful spouses have to survive. <P>As far as the chocolate pie, I discovered through all this that food is love. I stopped eating because I didn't feel loved. I was the one who ALWAYS cooked Thanksgiving dinner. It was done out of love, to show love, to share love. My STBX and I often made time for dinners out because it was such a social and loving thing. When the love was gone, the food was gone. Just no interest anymore. In fact, I am STILL not eating. This from a woman who LOVES gourmet food from all over the world.<P>I am not sure that this is the same for everyone, but I suppose the other side of the coin would be that if the love is gone and food is love, eating rich and yummy things can be a means of putting the love back.

Hi Popeye: Glad to see you lurking. Food is also a control issue, isn't it? No one can make you eat or not eat...it is the one area in our lives where what you put in your mouth is your decision alone. That includes...never mind. <P>Thanks, All, for allowing me to go through the journey and mentally get ready for Dallas.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>Thank you for sharing your story. It came at a time when I really needed to hear every word that was said because they are the feelings that I am feeling. I am filled with this incredible anger that disappears for a while but keeps returning and plunging me down in the depths of despair. <P>Every time I climb out of the hole, it is like these waves of anger and hurt wash me back in. <P>Your post has given me much food for thought, especially the part about still being deeply and completely in love with your H. I try so hard to concentrate on the love that I have for him and stop letting the anger push it aside.<P>I hope that you get what you have been searching for in Dallas. And most of all I hope that it will lessen some of the suffering that you have gone through. Thank God that you are here for the rest of us with your insight and wisdom, we need the guidance badly. <P>- Heavenly

Catnip,<P>I just read your post and I'm crying. You sound like a very wise, strong, resilient and loving woman. Your husband should give thanks daily to God that you're still in his life. I, too, needed to read your words. You responded to my post so you know why. I'll keep you in my prayers. You have encouraged me and given me hope that I, too, can get through this. I love my husband with all my heart. I suppose if I didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much. Thank you for your inspiration and for sharing. God bless.<P>ps: I am a newcomer (today is my first day here) and I'm so happy I've found this board.<P>

Dear Catnip<P>Thank you for waxing...<P>Although there was no OC, I was so worried that my siblings and I waited till months have passed before we heaved a sigh of relief.<P>Unlike you, I don't care and don't love my H anymore. I focus all my love on my baby now. <P>I don't know how to get through the trauma and absolute distrust in WS because we had a great thing before and it was actually a sham. How does one build anything on sham?<P>Sometimes I think I may just give up because there is too much hate in my heart and if it gets too hard for the baby, I may just kick him out. But try as I might to make life awful for him and to get him to leave, WS insists on staying to help us recover. For how long?<P>As for Food, I used to be quite a good cook but when D-Day came, I couldn't do anything - couldn't even feed my baby on time. So, I carted baby to my siblings and they helped look after baby. But I thank God for the wonderful baby I have; baby actually shut eyes and pretends to sleep when we scream and fight. When I keep calling helplines in the day, and baby upon seeing me all weepy, will just sleep even when hungry. Baby also hugs and kisses me a lot all the time.<P>Now I have a nanny cum housekeeper because I cannot do the mundane things that I loved before - tending to the little things that make the home so cosy and warm. I also feel that those stuff were sacrifices on my part because now I can focus on other things that make me feel better.<P>I find it hard to pick myself up some days but when I think of how short life really is, I try not to waste it but to live it. It is darn hard, at this time.<P>Well, I am waxing.... hysterical.<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 05, 2000).]

Heavenly, Comfort and Weep:<P>My post was not intended to make anyone cry or feel badly, but to give hope that in time, things will get better. <BR>You're all fairly new here and all pretty raw from your discoveries. My posting was simply to put my time line in perspective to share with you the journey back to a fairly sound marriage...and an exercise for me to get things straight in my head for my Dallas trip in two weeks.<P>This was to give some hope, too, that in spite of the problems, marriage can survive and return to normalcy. It takes time, it takes remorse and a willingness to make amends from the WS, it takes God to soften the heart of the Betrayed Spouse and ultimately, forgiveness.<P>Those of you who have hate and anger in your hearts right now, please realize it is just a stage you are going through. It won't last forever. My heart was filled with hate and pain and vindictiveness for nearly a year or more. One of the 'milestones' came and went and these feelings lessened.<P>I should tell you, too, that when the OW hit me with the phony OFP, I had no intention of retaliating. It was only when she got the OFP lengthen two more years because we complied with the laws of NY state and sent her the certified letter that I decided to sue her for harassment and personal injury. The gloves were off, Ladies.<P>Weep, speaking from experience, please don't allow your child to take care of you or see you in pain if at all possible. These little children (and big children, too,) suffer so much during difficult times when their parents are in turmoil. Try very hard to take care of your child first and put your own feelings aside for a time for them. When you are alone, go ahead and grieve and go through your pain. Children shouldn't have to pretend to be asleep or not eat because it feels like he or she should be taking care of the parent. They need our care. And it is so hard not to give into our feelings of sadness and grief.<P>Unless I am kidding myself, (I worry about that) what my husband and I have is very special. I never second guessed it before, and I admit there are times when I look at my husband as if he's a stranger, but with consistency and perseverance, I see a lot of light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Catnip =^^=<P> <P>

Dear Cat..I too cried thru your post,bu t not bc it made me so sad. Sure it brings the compassion which can make you weep along with other's storys, bu talso bc it brings such hope. <BR>I had several d-days also. Sept 1998 I found out there was a woman he had had thoughts about. One week before Easter I found out about affair and pg. What a blow! May I found out he had told her he loved her. I tricked her into telling me that. Baby was born Oct 1999. Feb 2000 when I found truth about affair...was almost a year long instead of a month...h practically lived together..he called her the same pet names..went to the same places with her...i could go on forever on that one. She filed suit 2 weeks later and it has been a legal battle since then.<BR>So when does that 2 year mark start from again....?<BR>Thanks for your encouraging posts cat. You are truely heaven sent...God bless

Broken wing:<P>For me, there will be many two year 'anniversaries'. The reason I am doing so well, I believe, is because in spite of the legal and financial hardships, my husband is completely and deeply committed to me, sincerely remorseful, willing to do whatever is necessary to fix this, is in love with me and we are blissfully enjoying this honeymoon ride we're on. <BR>He appreciates me so much, it's absolutely wonderful to have back all these feelings we had for each other for nearly two decades, all back again. It is cyclical, though...just three weeks ago I endured an awful depression.<P>I'm beginning to respect him again and even trust him again...little by little. He's earned it. He has absolutely no contact with the XOW, he has no desire to see the OC or feels any pull or is even curious. He is only focused on us and our marriage and our family of origin. All he wants to do is make me and our family his primary, his only interest and concern. I truly beleive it should be this way for all of us. His actions are healing me. Making me his 'hobby' is healing me. The connecting with me and our family is healing me...and his declarations of love and commitment are healing both of us. <BR>I make sure I give back at least as much as I am getting. I never bring anything up or try to punish him with what he has done, and he is grateful for that. It heals him.<P>The drawback to doing this lawsuit in Texas against the XOW is going to resurrect all those old sad, hurtful, damaging memories that we have fairly successfully put behind us for all intents and purposes. <P>Today, I called the Dallas attorney to let him know when we would be there. After I hung up, I looked at David and said, "You'll be asked some very pointed questions in your deposition. You'll have to describe the entire six weeks and conjur up all those memories. And when we receive her deposition, she'll probably say all kinds of things that will pull me under. This is going to be the hardest thing in the world to go through again...it will be painful for both of us."<P>He just held me, called me his "Darlin", told me that she won't say anything I haven't heard before and we will get through this. I still dread reading all their statements, and reliving my nightmare. I hope it will be worth it...not for money (who cares...that's not an issue or a catalyst at all) but completely for the priniciple of it all. I hope it's worth it. I hope it blazes a trail for the rest of you. I hope other attorneys won't be so skiddish about getting involved with suits such as this.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<BR> It is so amazing to see where you started at and where you are now. I hope you know, I am behind you all the way, and will be here to listen, because with this stuff all being drug back up, I know you will need to talk. I know I would. I'm just trying to hang on through the birth and DNA. I hope that some of your strength rubs off on me. Go ahead and blaze that trail for us, but I hope that your efforts bring you what you need for your own well being more than anything. Lots of hugs to you at this time. You go girl!!!

My Dear Cat...all I can say is may God Bless You...you are an angel

WE ARE WOMEN...HEAR US RRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR.......!!!!!!!!!