Hi I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have one son who is 2 and I am 5 months pg. We have had a strong marriage and wonderful relationship throughour. We have been through alot, infertility, depression(me), financial difficulties, I am a SAHM, but have made it through all. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful and we are both very honest with each other.

This past Xmas however was very difficult for both of us. Financially and emotionally. On Boxing Day my H and I had a big fight. He went to get $ out and he couldn't even get 5 bucks. He came back and was furious. He was a jerk all day. We also fought on and off all day about money etc. When my son went to bed we finally talked. I started the talk as usual and asked him what his problem was and has been lately. He said he didn't know. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said he didn't know. I was absolutely crushed and did not expect this answer. I then asked what he wanted and he also didn't know he said he was confused. I was left feeling terrified for my marriage. We stayed up late talking and crying. I asked if he had cheated and he adamently said no. BUT I felt like there was something he wasn't telling me. The next day he went back to work and I called his parent for emotional support. They came over and we talked, my H still at worked. They comforted me and said that they didn't believe he didn't love me and that it was probably just a dent in the road and it will get better. That night when H returned home from work he looked terrible. He said he thought about me ALL day and wanted to talk. We called his parents back to watch our son and we went for a drive. We talked for 4 hours straight. He told me what happened. He said that the night he went out with his friends, 2 weeks prior to Xmas, a girl came up to him and bought him a drink. She then said she thought he was cute and asked for his phone #. He said he accepted the drink but said he was married but was flattered. He is typically quite shy and VERY honest and I do believe him. She didn't pursue him anymore and that was it. He said he thought someone was playing a joke on him because that never happens. Anyway being "hit on" really stuck in his head he said for the next 2 weeks and he said he started wondering what it would be like to be with someone else. He said that that particular girl didn't stick in his head but just the thought of having someone else. He said the guilt ate and ate at him for feeling this way and he couldn't figure out why he couldn't stop thinking about it. He then said it made him question his whole marriage, love for me, and his life and then he said he started dwelling on all of the negative things in his life and about me. He said he did this to justify his feelings he was having. He also said that when he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me that he thought the feeling would be mutual. He said he too felt like I was pushing him away and didn't care anymore. He said too that part of him wanted me to "kick him out" so that he could go and see what it would be like to be with someone else. This really upset me but I just listened and kept it in. He said that he wasn't feeling close to me anymore in everyway. I am not a cuddly person and that has always bothered him. He said the lack of sex in our life and spontenaity was bugging him, money, our house getting wrecked by a 2 year old and me letting him do it, the house being so messy lately. He also asked me a few months ago about starting into business with an old buddy and I said defenetely no and that was bugging him, etc. etc. He said one thing he did like was that when I was in the midst of my depression, resulting from quitting my job in July to stay home with our son, which was a mutual decision, that he loved the attention and comfort I needed and that he felt so loved by me and strong because I was so scared etc. Well the depression got better the beggining of DEcember and I must admit that I did stop needing comfort and reassurance daily. I was so happy to be feeling better and felt almost relieved that I didn't have to "bug" him anymore with my depression. He took this though as a lack of love from me. We also realized after talking for 4 hours that we having sat and talked about our marriage since before our son was born, so about 3 years. I did realize although I though everything was going ok between us that I too had been taking him for granted. I just figured we would resume our passion, etc when the kids grow up. I was comfortable with a "roomate" and didn't feel like I needed anything else. I have recently realized though that my depression was also a result of not getting the love and attention I too so desired but just accepted my life and went on.

Anyway things got better. We started having dates again, kept talking, and renewed our commitment to each other. I then reasked the question about his love for me and he said yes he did feel that he was in love with me but lost perspective for a while.

BUT one month later I am still left feeling insecure and afraid of an episode like this happening again. I ask him alot about his commitment and love for me still and he reassures me that it is very strong and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I get my wheels turning though when he is gone to work and wonder if he is just saying it to be nice etc. He promises me that he has had no bad thoughts and that he only wants me. He said he also promises to tell me if he is feeling "lost" again.

My question is how do I go on and trust in his love and commitment for me when he seemed to loose it so fast before. I am so afraid of the day him telling me that he that he is not sure if he is in love with me anymore again. I am trying very hard to move forward and to not dwell but what he told me really hurt me. He says he regrets telling me that because he does not feel that way again just lost perspective. I also feel like he is "back to normal" with life, feels like all is OK now here I am left to worry and wonder. Will I ever feel confident in my marriage again.

Hope Floats,

In all likelihood, your H is telling the truth. You have described him as a shy and honest man. Your post reads like this is the first real time something like this has happened. I know from my own experience that after being told something like that, your belief and trust in your spouse is shaken. You are feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment therefore you are just waiting for it to happen. You feel that if you don't think about it then if and when it does come, you won't be prepared. It will be a shock like the first one. I have been through this and it is not fun. However my W had a full blown affair. If I had to do it over again I would have made myself think and act differently.

I believe all marriages face this ordeal. Two people are together for so long seeing each other everyday. You do sometimes get stagnant. When that happens, you have to shake things up. Do things differently. Step out of your regular routine and try new things. Just be sure you are doing these things with your spouse, not anyone else.

I too need affection from my wife. She, like you, is not one who is a giver in this field. Finances, careers, children, etc. are going to challenge your marriage everyday and you can do nothing to control it. So focus what you can control...your love for your H and ability to express it. If this is a need of his that is high on his list, you can surely keep him happy with your relationship. Take care of things now. Your problem seems like a crushing blow to you. But to many of us here, you have the best ordeal in the house to deal with. Take care of it now before it grows into something you can have no control over.

God Bless,