After wondering what to do about the OW and the pregnancy, we have been advised to let it be for now and to NOT contact her. She seems to have totally disappeared, I think she was scared by a few things both my H and I caught her on and our responses. My H has talked to several lawyers because I told him I can not sit back and just hope for the best and then have it flare up in our faces when we have done so much work to recover and heal. In fact, I feel like I can not go much farther in healing until I know what is going to happen. All of the lawyers that we have spoken to have said : to not contact her, that we may never hear from her, she might not even be pregnant and if is may not be my H's, that they can not touch my income, if her SO signs the birth certificate it will not be an issue, they can not come back 10 years from now and demand support for the past 10 years especially if my H did not know of the paternity. There is more, but I have a hard time taking any of it in and processing it, still can not believe I have to worry about all of this. February should be about the time of birth, I just can't stand wondering what is going on with her, do I really have to wait until then. And then I may not even know, although a lawyer told my H they can check into the birth certif. without her even knowing. I just don't trust anyone, I hate being in limbo, I may go out of my mind. I feel like I can not go any further until I know what I have to deal with, but now I have to wait ?<P>Any other worries I have outside of this mess sends me into a tailspin. I cried all last night until I went to sleep because my daughter started back to school today and I always worry about all of the school stuff and my little one has not been feeling well and clings to me so. I had to leave them both today one at school, one at daycare and go to work and try to function with all of this in my head. Well, I guess I am not doing so great cuz here I am on the forum.<P>I better quit now, try to work, any support is very much appreciated.<P>------------------<BR>Carrie

carriemom, the waiting is hard. even though OC is born and almost 3, we are waiting. waiting for the courts to order the paternity test, then will be waiting to see how big a lottery she won. and how much we are going to have to pay back for all the welfare she got.<P>that is the only thing i would worry about if i were you. especially if you don't know where she is, and if she is with her significant other. if she is not married, she can more easily qualify for welfare, and that is what will be slammed against you financially if she decides to push paternity issue when her SO decides he wants nothing to do with her. that is the only thing i would caution you on. only because i am in the boat now, and it is not pretty.<P>well, i gotta get going. <P>take care and sorry i've nothing to encouraging to say except hang in there. and this could be a good sign. she might have been bluffing. just trying to cause more havoc in your lives.<P>happy_girl<BR>

Carriemom:<P>For you, waiting is the hardest...the not knowing. And since you have a few months to wait before you find out for sure, you must feel like you're in some kind of limbo. It seems as if you feel as though you cannot proceed with the marriage and the healing until all the questions are answered.<P>When I found out about the pregnancy in January 1999, there was a question about two other possible 'fathers' as OW was seeing two other men. I had high hopes that my husband would not draw the short straw. I had to wait not until the child was born in August '99, but until court in February 2000 for confirmation. Those months of waiting take too long to put the marriage on hold. Too much precious time is lost if one waits for answers that come too late. <BR>Regardless of the outcome, I encourage you to make a decision about your marriage now and take stpes to accept your husband's dedication to you and your family and begin the healing process.<P>In my heart, for some reason, I could sense and feel that my husband was the father. I don't know why, perhaps it was just my pessimism, but, I knew the child was his. I prayed over and over again in a cadence, "Oh dear God, please don't let it be his." Every day, all day long for eight months I repeated this prayer. <BR>It's the one time, the most important time, that God did not answer my prayer. I cannot figure out what it was that I was supposed to learn or endure by having this horror visited upon me and my marriage, but now I have come to accept it...two years later.<P>For those eight plus months, I went ahead and worked very hard on the marriage. I don't know why I was so driven...was it because of our twenty years history? Was it because of my deep love and commitment? Was it because I wanted to win and make sure the OW lost? Was it because I couldn't face the future without him? Was it all these things?<P>I encourage you not to put your marriage, your life and most of all your healing on hold while you wait for the confirmation of whether or not the child is your husband's. The fact that the woman is married is a good sign and just may let you off the hook entirely...oh, how I wish our OW would have been married. She can disappear without a whimper and the presumption of paternity can belong to her husband. You may never know the truth if the XOW never pursues this. The need to know is a powerful thing, but can be akin to cutting off one's nose to spite their face. <P>While you and your husband wait for the confirmation, I hope the two of you will try to heal your marriage. I realize that this is next to impossible in the beginning right after discovery and I know that discovery wans't that long ago for you. There are the stages you have to go through...the denial, the anger, the sadness and finally the acceptance. I am finally in acceptance after nearly two years...I stayed in anger for over a year and anger meshed with profound sadness.<P>Oh, the anger is still there and the sadness...oh yes, it is still there as well, but it is no longer all consuming and debilitating. I am no longer obsessed like I was, though I do have my moments.<BR>Being proactive helps empower me. I mix things up and make them happen and try to call the shots as much as possible now instead of laying back and letting life happen to me like I used to. Now I've become 'outrageous' in my behavior in a way to take some control, to drive my own destiny. Right or wrong, no one will ever surprise me again this way.<P>I've become strangely interesting to my husband since he has seen this side of me, and I am regaining lost confidence through his love and devotion. <BR>I know your husband is deperate to restore the marriage and is devastated with remorse. You have a lot to work with.<P>God bless, Carrie. You're a beautiful and sweet woman and no one knows this better than your husband.<P>Catnip =^^=

carriemom<BR>I know the waiting is soooo hard. What I did, bc i am still waiting on the legal issues, was to seperate one issue from the other.<BR>I had to try to forgive my H of the affair. The oc is a product of his stupidity of trusting ow and not protecting himself (and me). So am I angry and upset with him bc of affair or bc stupidity? I have to go with stupidity. I for gave him of the affair...now I have to work with forgiving what seems to me to be a no brainer. He is an idiot..but I do love him and am willing to try and put our marriage back together. Forgive one thing at a time and deal with one issue at a time. One day at a time. If you are feeling overwhelmed maybe you could talk to your doctor about a medication that would reduce the anxiety u feel. I took Buspar for a few weeks and it helped a whole lot. God Bless.

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and help. Last night I was feeling so much better about everything and letting my H take a lot of the anxiety away. He is being so wonderful and just sits by quietly helping me or talking it all out what ever I need. My oldest daughter did great starting school yesterday and was so excited when I picked her up, that helped a lot.<P>Broken Wings : that is exactly how I feel about my H and can not get over. The one-night-stand is one thing, but how could this man I thought was so smart and together be so stupid, an idiot. It just makes me sick, this happened to him as a teenager, how could it happen again in his thirties when he is happily married. Ugh, I better stop I am real good at throwing myself into a tizzy over all of the what-if's and why's . I have been thinking I should call my doctor and see if I could get a little extra help because sometimes I am just not functional. I just hate the thought of taking anything stronger than ibuprofen.<P>Thanks again, will keep everyone posted if we hear anything from anyone.<P>------------------<BR>Carrie

Carrie,<BR> You are in good company here. We are all "waiting" for one reason or another. I have a long way to go yet, and I thank God every day that I do have to wait that Happygirl found me somewhere else and led me to this place. Like Catnip says, hang in there. We are all here for you.

carriemom, hang in there. i know that my H was also there for me and listened to all my feelings. it helped me a lot to realize that he loved me and was sorry for what he had caused. he never got mad when i told him what a jerk he was, and never let me blame myself. i only had him when i was first going thru this. no internet. don't know how i ever survived... oh yes i do, it was because my H put aside his feelings of guilt and his pride and let me pour my heart out to him. he is my best friend, and though i would rather not have had to go thru this, i know we are closer than we would have been.<P>take care. <P>happy_girl<P>KTGIRL--my friend, you are too kind. i thank god for you too!!<P>and all of you here at MB. i always keep our little family in my prayers. <P>