Hi Im new here. Wanted to introduce myself. First let me say I am so glad I found all of yall. I have felt soooo alone in this situation. I have been reading all the posts for a couple of days now but I had a hard time getting a password. I have been in tears reading all that I have. I already love you guys...I am not alone! <BR>My story...my H is in the army and when our daughter was 3 months old he left for AZ for what was supposed to only be three months. He ended up being gone 15 months.<BR>Basically he had an affair...an actual affair..not just sex...he told this hussy he loved her and everything. Of course I wasnt told all of this until later. At first it was just that they had sex 3-4 times during a 4 week period.<BR>Anyway he told me he had been unfaithful. He didnt really have a choice bc she was pregnant.<BR>He managed to get out of AZ after a month of telling me and we moved to GA.<BR>Baby was born Oct 1999 and dna test was done. It is his. Ow startd calling like every other day, which helped our marriage none. She finally freaked out one day and decided to tell me "her side" of the story. Thats when most of the lies came out. He admitted to about half of what she said. Then she crossed the line...he changed our phone #...she filed suit...he got a lawyer...she paniced and dropped the case...we are now playing the waiting game.<BR>Our marriage is doing better now, thanks to counseling and his change in attitude, plus I believe his remorse. He has never once attempted to blame me and is trying to give up drinking (did I mention he is an alcoholic?)<BR>That is my story in a nutshell. Hope it wasnt too terribly long. Thanks so much for being here and listening.

Broken wing: <P>I always hate to say 'welcome' to newbies because this is a club no one wants to belong to. We are all here because of someone else's actions. But, welcome you, we all do. <BR>And with this strange kind of 'membership', our only criteria is that you allow us to help you through this, and if you can comfort someone else having a tough time, offer words of comfort and advice.<P>I am so terribly sorry that you are here but there isn't another place on earth that you belong more right now.<P>We all are suffering the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage; worse than just an affair, which until discovery of a pregnancy, was the very worst thing. It's weird how the importance of the affair altogether looses steam for all of us after a while when we focus on our marriages and the twenty year problem (OC) we face.<P>I also am married to an alcoholic that has also been diagnosed bipolar 1 and has occasional suicidal tendencies. My husband also told the OW that he would divorce me, marry her and that he loved her. They say and do amazing things in their stupor.<P>I am fifteen months in recovery and my husband is also remorseful and devastated by his actions and wish he could take it all back and reverse the clock.<P>Your husband's remorse and willingness to repair and restore the marriage must be gratifying; and you sound willing to forgive and to keep your marriage together.<P>When you say the OW panicked and dropped the case, what happened? How did she 'cross the line'? Has she decided not to sue for child support or paternity? How are you coping now?<P>Your husband's alcohol problem is probably the catalyst for the affair. With some people, they would never do something like this if they would never have started drinking. I know in my particular case this was true. <BR>My husband had over 17 years sobriety when he started drinking again. Within one year he destroyed every aspect of our lives with reckless behavior and illogical reasoning. <P>I sincerely hope your husband is doing more than just 'trying' to quite drinking. I hope he is going to meetings, will get a sponsor and perhaps go through treatment. I'm glad to hear that you're both going to a counselor.<P>Well, Broken Wing, here you are. This is a great group of people who want to help you get through this and help you heal. Please post often and read everything you can on Dr. Harley's prinicples. You and your husband should read the books together and each of you should fill out the Emotional Needs questionaire. You came to the right place, Honey...welcome. <P>Catnip =^^=

broken_wings,<P>well, welcome to our little family. sorry you have to be here, but it is so good that if you have to be in this horrible situation, that you have someone to talk to. and you will definitely find that here. there are so many helpful and wonderful people here. it often amazes me, we wouldn't recognize eachother on the streets, but the comfort i think we all find here is so great.<P>i have only been here for a couple of months, though it seems like so much longer. i visit here everyday, to see how everyone is doing. somedays are happy days and some are sad. but we help eachother thru them. i am 3 1/2 years into recovery from the affair. the OC blow came later, and the court/child support blow just came this year. so at least they came a little at a time. don't think i could've handled much more.<P>well, anyway, welcome and i know you will find many wonderful people here. take care. visit often. it helps.<P>happy_girl

Welcom Broken_wings,<BR>As everyone else has mentioned we are here for one another providing invaluable comfort. Sorry that you are a member of this club but know that we all welcome you with open arms.

Brokenwings,<BR> Hi and welcome to the group. As the others have said, we are sorry you have to be here, but we are glad that you found us. We are here for each other, and I'm pretty sure that we will all make it, because we have the support we need, and don't have to deal with this on our own anymore. Hugs to you. Talk to you later.

Hi Brokenwing,<P>I'm new, also...only a few days. But I can tell you that my finding this place has been one of the lights in all this darkness. I am now trying to read through all the posts. I find that by reading, and others sharing, it truely helps me and calms me to know I'm NOT alone in this ugly, live changing, soul crushing experience. I have a feeling, though, that we're all going to make it through somehow...with God's help and with the continued loving support from each other here. Welcome. Sorry you have to be here at all.<P>

Welcome Brokenwings,<P>I am relatively new -- I only started posting about 6 weeks ago. And, like everyone else, until I found this board I felt like I was the only one facing this horrible situation.<P>I have been too embarrassed to tell my family and friends so I have maintained the front of being the "perfect couple" even when sometimes my heart was breaking. <P>Here, you can express yourself openly. Sometimes our emotions can be pretty raw and here you can say anything without fear that people will think you are a "bad person". <BR>We have all experienced the roller coaster of feelings - despair, humiliation, anger and yet we all want very much to work through these feelings and recapture the essence of our marriages.<P>It's a long road, but I believe that if you and your H have the will, you will make it just fine. I am looking forward to your participation.<P>- Heavenly

Catnip..to answer your questions...<BR>Ow crossing the lines...well she decide to tell me "her side" of the story. She did this when she asked me how we were doing and I told her we were really doing great. My H did tell her that he loved her but he also told her hed never leave me for her. He was downright mean to her. Putting aside the fact that he was married I do not know why she was with him. He was, in my opinion, abusive to her. He does not deny it. She just claims she was in a bad place at the time.<BR>Anyway she decided to tell me all these "truths". My H admitted to 3\4 of them. Well she was on a role. I didnt want to listen to her but it was like I couldnt stop myself. they were near Tombstone AZ and we had old time pictures taken...found out so had they and he even wore the same outfit and bought the same frame. She called me early one morning to tell me something had been bothering her all night and she just had to ask me something. If anyone is too sensitive please do not read this. Basically (in as nice of terms as I can come up with) she asked if she was the first one to make MY H orgasm during oral sex. Needless to say that was an image I really could have done without. I freaked out and called my H at work adn told him. he called the phone co. and had our # changed.<BR>He feels she did it on purpose to hurt me and he is still very angry at her for it. Part of me thinks a reason for the anger is that she let some of the cats out of the bag.<BR>That is when she called H's sister and said if he didnt call her hed be paying her 400$ cs a month. He didnt call her bc I told him that would get to her the most. He agreed and didnt call her. Next thing we knew we were getting served papers in the mail. They were for cs. He had a dna test done after the baby was born.<BR>Im not sure what ow is thinking now. We got a lawyer and I think she freaked bc she was not going to get her way...too much cs..us pay med and dental..supervised visitation by her...seh called him an alcoholic in the papers and that can not be proven (at least by her).<BR>No he is not attending any meetings. He can not accept not drinking ever at all. He is compromising with me and only drinking when I am home. I work at nite so he is alone with hte baby. He will not drink if he is the only one here with her.<BR>As far as how Im coping...Im confused about ho wI feel about oc. <BR>Hope that answers your questions..Im so glad I found all of yall.<BR>God Bless...

I am trying to play catch up with all the messages here, but I wanted to say welcome to our sad club. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I can't believe the crap that the OW has said to you. I am glad that your h took the initiative to change the number. I am also sorry that on top of this your having to help your h through a drinking problem, that doesn't help much. I will comment on one thing. I truly believe that the armed forces promote this type of crap as long as you don't get caught. My h is in the army and he was out of town on orders when the incident happened. And it goes on all the time with the other people. They promote everything in the service except having morals, it makes me sick. Needless to say I also believe they promote the drinking side also. My h's father was career army and he had a severe drinking problem, along with his sons who have followed his footsteps. I hope that you find some comfort and support here. Sorry I got off on a tangent...<P>babstr.

Thanks Babstr...I could not agree more. My H has been in almost 6 yrs and everyone knew he was having an affair. That really bothered me bc I thought even though they do not know me do any of them have any morals...has anyone thought of slapping some sense into him?<BR>Oh! Did I mention the ow is in the military also? I could have prosecuted through UCMJ, but that would have gotten my H is trouble also. Yes he deserved it, but I didnt want to live with yet another paycut. Plus, if she were punished to the fullest she would be in Levenworth and then who would take care of her kids? I didnt even want to deal with it through the military. I would have taken her to civilian court in a heartbeat if I thought a lawyer would take it.<BR>But you are so correct! If it is immoral you better believe it is supported in the military. Makes me sick! Hes trying to get out on a medical at the moment. gotta go before I totally go off!<BR>Where are yall stationed Babstr? We are at Ft Stewart.<BR>Good Luck and God Bless...

Welcome to the board BW! Sorry you have to be here but it is the best of a bad situation...<P>The pain is so raw in the early months! BTW, my H is also military (there're several here), different branch. I hope your H gets some help for his drinking. The military offers it for free...many civilians have to pay for such things. Also if you're looking at getting out, I'd take advantage of all the free counseling you can stand: another huge expense for civilians.<P>Anyway, sending my support your way,<P>Jenny, 2 years into recovery-yea!