your H calling the OW to check on the baby? Or going to her house to see the baby? How do you handle this? You know what kills me the most... hearing my H talk about his THREE sons. (He has two with me).<P>I cant cope.<P>:<

There is no VALID reason as to why OW has to be there when H visits OC. INSIST that there be as little as possible contact between the adults and make this about the father and child ONLY.If you can bring yourself to do it, YOU handle the transportation to and from the visits. You wait until the OW leaves. If your H is insisting on seeing the OC you demanding he NOT see it wil make things worse for you and your marriage. Find ways around the situation. Make YOUR presense KNOWN to the OW. Good luck to you.....<P><BR>

Littlebird:<P>Your husband's first and foremost responsibility is to you and your marriage. After that, his responsibility is to his two children from his family of origin.<P>In Harley's principle, the Policy of Joint Agreement, niether you nor your husband should do anything without the enthusiastic support, compliance and blessing of the other. therefore, he should not see the child without your OK and he should not be 'stopping by' without you. Either yourself or a third party should arrange for transportation of the child. He should have absolutely no contact with XOW; all phone calls should be in the open with you present as well.<P>With the Harley prinicple of "Protection", he should protect you from any hurt or humiliation and not publically declare his paternity of the OC. He should not state he has 'three' children if it makes you unhappy or humiliates or embarasses you.<P>With the policy of "Honesty", all conversations should be in your presence or through you.<P>This is my viewpoint and my opinion of what I would expect. You design yours the way it works best for you.<P>I get so upset with the continued selfishness of the Wayward Spouse's dismissal of the Betrayed's feelings after all they have already put us through.<P>I hate to say 'welcome' to this group, but it is an outstanding group with tons of support, understanding, kindness, guidance and love. You came to the right place. We're here to help.<P>Catnip =^^=

Littlebird I can't offer much advice since OC is not born yet. But I foresee many issues like this in my future. Listen to the advice you have received. It is exactly the way you can accept OC into your life if that's the decision. If your H wants to stay married to you he has to include you in EVERY aspect involving this child. This was not your choice to be a step mom. He has to accommodate your feelings in every way. Otherwise you can not open your heart. Good Luck to you. I'll be praying for you. Please pray for me come February. Stay strong.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Littlebird,<BR> I echo Catnip's sentiments on this. She has a lot of experience with this. She knows her subject matter very well.<BR> I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this. Your husband ought to have the sense to know that what he is doing by maintaining contact with the OW because of OC is tearing you apart. He is keeping you totally out of the loop. It's nice that he acknowledges this child and his responsibilities to it, but as Catnip said, his first priority is your marriage and the children produced by it. What he is doing violates all the principles, by just doing what he feels like, and not considering your feelings. I am also waiting on birth of OC, but my H has made it clear he wants no contact with OC, and that his first priority in this situation is ME. He will support financially, but that is as far as he is willing to go, because he feels he was trapped by OW using the oldest trick in the book to hold on, and now has much hatred towards her. He also knows that what he did was wrong, and doesn't want to expose me to constant reminders of how he let me down. I have to respect him for that, because if OC is his child, it will be his only bio-child, and he is willing to walk away from it for me and our marriage. I can no longer give him a child, due to surgery I had earlier this year. He said if he had wanted a child, and if that had been important to him, he would have just let me divorce him and found someone who could give him a child. He has never been interested in being a father to any other children, other than my four boys by previous marriages. I hope that your husband will wake up and smell the coffee. What he is doing is WRONG. Good luck and big hugs to you.

<BR>First, your H should realize the damage he has caused you and your family. If H wants to make this situation easier for you, he must be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make you comfortable. My advice would be, if your H must see the OC, and if you are not comfortable going to the XOW's house with him, have a close, responsible person go with him. Someone you can truly trust.<P>Another thing is that XOW should know and see that you do still exist, and yes, make your presence known. Nine times out of ten, if XOW sees you with him, and that the two of you are happy, she probably will not want your H to see the child.<P>How old is the child? If the child is real young, it will not know if he is there or not. He should try to work with you on your marriage in getting it stable, then try to see the OC. By then, the visit may be worth it. But for right now, he should not even want to be near that house or near that woman(?). Remember, that there are HUGE consequences H must pay for the wrong he has done. Do not let him have his cake and eat it to. Stand firm, and do not make yourself miserable and unhappy just to see him happy. Do not let him have his way.He must compromise with you. Some things he must understand and somethings you must understand if you both want this to work.<P>I hope this will help you!!<P>I will keep you in my prayers. Prayers to work.<P>Sherbert<BR>

Littlebird,<P>I agree absolutely with the others that have posted before me. The affair was all about your H -- and look what that led to! Now, the recovery has to be about YOU -- making you comfortable and restoring the sense of team that will allow the marriage to endure.<P>Sunshine504 said that if the XOW sees you with your H, she will not be interested in having him see the OC. The same thing happened to me. In the beginning, I tried to accept the OC. My H was bringing her to our home and we were spending time as a "family". When the XOW saw that her child was contributing to making our marriage strong, she went ballistic and forbade my H from seeing the OC. <P>Unfortunately, my H ruined this perfect situation by his own feelings of guilt over abandoning the OC. So, when the XOW called him some years later and asked if he wanted to resume visits, my H agreed "without telling me". <P>The sneaking around has now caused all the old issues to resurface and those are the problems that we are facing now.<P>It is important for you to make sure that all future decisions about the OC will be joint decisions. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you and your H can come to an agreement that will satisfy both of your needs. But, as others have said, you did not ask for this -- so make sure that you take care of you, first and foremost.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>- Heavenly