Hello All:<P>I have been a member of several sites, and none can compare to this one. I admire the advice and the way everyone supports one another.<P>Here's my story;<BR>My H and I have been married 20 years this December. We have two handsome young men, ages 19 and 13. My H had an affair back at the end of 1995. The OW became pregnant 5 months later. OW is also married, but separated with 2 boys (now 1 daughter (OC now 3 years old. Yes, we were having a few problems, but OW still knew he was married, living at home, and had no intentions on leaving what he/we had worked so hard for. You see, my H and this OW grew up in the same neighborhood. <P>When the child was first born, I was soooo devasted that I thought I would never, ever get over the fact that my H of (then 17 years) produced a child with someone else. I thought I was going to die. But as time went on, I was able to accept it a little more. Each time something happened or I saw a little girl, my heart would hurt. It felt like someone was pouring salt in an open wound.<P>My H was not excited about this child, but was willing to accept the responsiblility of doing what he could for this child. In the beginning, I insisted that he had nothing to do with this child. As long as we were fighting about this situation, the OW was fine and let H see the child.<P>Now, that I am "somewhat" over it, and my H told OW that he could not do anything without me, she told H as long as he was with me, he could not see her; that she did not trust me. Who has shown to be untrustworthy? Surely not me. She also stated that H cannot pick the child up. The only way he could see her is if he go to their house. Their house is "OFF LIMITS". Enough damage done there.<P>Her mother is just as bad as she. Once my H stopped going over alone, the mother would slam the door in his face and hated his guts. All along, the mother also knew he was married. There is no way on God's green earth would my Mother allow me to live with her and see a married man (let alone have a child for a married man). Just go to show you the kind of somebody my H was dealing with; no morals or anything.<P>Another incident was for OC's 3rd birthday. My H and I decided to pay for her party at one of the pizza/game places. When he went to drop the monies off, she asked H was he attending the party. H told her no. Then she told H to keep the money. Does this sound like a woman(???) who has the child's interest at heart or is she saying keep it for selfish reasons?<P>To make a long story short, since OW will not let H be a father to the child because of me, H has come to the conclusion that the child will get old enough so he can explain how hard he tried to be a part of her life, but her mother will not let him for selfish reasons. <P>Note: Most of the times, the only way a marriage can recover from this sort of thing, 1) husbands have to be willing to do what it takes to save what he messed up; 2)things will not always be what they want it to be; and 3)there are BIG CONSEQUENCES behind every wrong.<P>My H's wanting his family and understanding that we (me and the kids) comes first helped my recovery.<P>I know I missed a lot, but I tried to make it brief. I have been dealing with this for 3+ years and will be here for anyone of you that may need to vent or know what I did to recover as soon as I did, because I never thought I would see the day where thinking about it, seeing a little girl, hearing someone with the same name as OW, would come where I was not disturbed. GOD IS REAL and HE DOES ANSWER PRAYERS.<P>God Bless You All!!!<P>Sunshine<BR>I will try to help any of you

I am going thru your story now. The OC in my case is only 3months old. OW will not let H see child unless he goes to her house. I am not having that. So he hasnt seen the baby in over two months. This tears my H up. He really wants to be a part of the babys life. I wouldnt mind so much if his OW would just face facts and get on with her life. BUT NOOOOOOO .... she has to be spiteful and make this diffcult for everyone. I have seen the baby and he is a beautiful child. I hate dealing with this. To tell everyone the truth, I hate the fact that my H wants to deal with the baby. I say pay the support and walk away. It seems like everyone elses H is doing just that. I wish mine would. I cant help feeling that he wont do it because of the feelings he has/had for the OW. I know its horrible of me to wish that child fatherless, but we have only (H and I) been successfully working on our relationship since July.... since it hasnt been that long. I hate living with this, through this. <P>I wish I could walk away <BR>I wish I didnt love my family so much<BR>I wish I was enough of a ***** to take her child from her and raise him as my own.<P>I need a geenie..... anyone got one lying around??<P>:/

That the OW's mother treats your H with disrespect and sides with her D in this does not surprise me in the least. Apples don't fall too far from the tree! Maybe this is where the D learned the behavior in the first place. In fact I am sure of it. Fine Himilayans do not come from alley cats, if ya know what I mean. <BR> I am going through this, but as of yet, the OC has not been born yet, so I still have a long way to go through this. I just hope that I can handle all the really rough stuff, cause I think the OW is just with us now, I imagine after the baby, things will really get lively. She continually tries to force contact between H and herself, despite being told by him repeatedly that he hates her and wants nothing to do with her. He even went as far as telling her if she died tommorrow, he would celebrate. She still hasn't gotten it.

Hi all, (warning: this just might be a ramble)<BR>One thing that made things a little bit easier for me was to really define the OW. Most OW (with the exception of Duranie of course ) used these children as their pawns, their secret weapons. These women are not on our level simply for the fact that we are women of respect and high caliber. I respect myself way too much to ever be second to anyone. I respect life and the Lord too much to have a baby to try and keep a man. My son is my gift and I cherish the fact that he chose me to be his mom. Do you really think that these OW take a moment to thank the Lord for their gifts? Absolutely not for their decisions were based on evil intentions and ulterior motives. And now that these children are here these intentions still do not change. Their children are defined by who their fathers are and any way to make it more difficult for our Hs and families becomes their life's mission. Through all our pain, hurt and insecurity I know without a shadow of a doubt that these OW are the ultimate losers at their own game, they set the rules but we changed the game plan and continue to work at keeping our families and marriages together. We all have days of utter pain and frustration but we continue with strength, resiliency and class. <BR>This forum is filled with women of high intelligence, respect, morality and character. We speak about feeling guilty about the OC, do you think these women ever for one second thought about our children? Not for one second but as WOMEN we do think about these OC. To end this ramble, know who you are dealing with and know that she cannot even see you that's how high above her you are.

welcome to the board SUnshine! Sorry you are in same boat. <P>I just want to mention a legal point here. If the H and W decide BY JOINT AGREEMENT to open their hearts to the OC, and H is paying state/federally mandated amounts of ch-support, the H is legally entitled to whatever visitation the state mandates. It does NOT occur at the mother's home; that's ridiculous and in cases of adultery, clearly damages the marriage. All decent counselors advise that W or a third party make all visitation arrangements w/Xow. Furthermore, the courts frown upon the parent who tries to keep a child from its other parent, and custody goes to the more cooperative parent. IE if you want to go through the courts re visitation, the law is on your side!<P>And Little Bird, what your H is doing is wrong. It maintains his connection to the xow. I would set some guidelines requiring him to cut contact and allow you to make visitation arrangements IF you are willing to allow them. A counselor should back you up here. I doubt your marriage will survive under the conditions you describe; boundaries are critical. So sorry you're in this too. <P>Best wishes to all <P>Jenny,<BR>passed year 2 of recovery-yea!<P><BR> <P>

Sunshine,<P>I commend you for being compassionate enough to have the OC be a part of your life. I know you didn't get there overnight. It must have taken lots of time and lots of love. My H oc is 4 years old and lives in another city - we just got DNA results after OW decided to file for paternity after 4 years. It's been very devastating to me...to us. Anyway, I'm glad I've found this forum. It's been a Godsend for me. I feel like I'm among friends who care. I know I could not have that OC be a part of my life and my H knows and respects that, too. Matter of fact, he doesn't want anything to do with OC and ESPECIALLY OW. He knows he'll be financially responsible for OC and that's where it ends. It has to be that way for the sake of our marriage and my sanity. It's all too much. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Very interesting to see how others handle the same situation.<P>LeeLee: You're so right!! We are above them. And no! they've never for once thought about the damage they'd do to our children. I know this may sound cruel, but it's how I feel and I know someone else can relate to me...I wish that child had never been born. I know it's God's will and I respect that. But if I'm honest, I wish the slut who gave birth to her (who was/is married also) had decided to have an abortion with her. I don't excuse my husband not even a little bit. He was wrong and he betrayed me. No excuses! But I can't help how I feel about that OC. She's a source of pain and heartach for me and I'm glad at least we don't live in the same city...3 hours away. I love children as much as the next ... got 2 of my own...would never wish any harm on the OC because she's innocent. But it still makes me nausous to think about it. I hope I'll be able to think about it one day and not feel my stomach turn.<P>

welcome sunshine. ditto on what every one has said. i admire you for being able to accept the child. i have said it many times, i just can't do it. i have tried, but luckily, we are going to pay support and that is it. this is what SHE wanted. and the OW in my life is no angel. and she has no regrets over the pain she has caused my family. my only sadness is that the OC doesn't have a dad. but that was her mother's choice, not mine. and i have to learn to live with our decision, and get on with my life. <P>welcome and i am sure you will help us too. our family here is growing. <P>happy_girl

Im sorry i have to say welcome to you sunshine. Im glad you found this site, just sorry you had to go look for it. I too am very new here, but Im trying to learn as much as possible. It is such a relief to know Im not the only person in this world who has decided to take this road in life. You are right about this being the best group on the web! And I have looked.<BR>LeeLee is so right about the selfishness of these ow. I just do not, no matter how hard Ive tried, grasp their way of thinking. I guess thats probably a good thing...lol.<BR>Hugs to you and God Bless...

Sunshine:<P>Your story will help many of us here, especially the newbies who are struggling with the first discoveries of this awful pain.<P>Thanks for sharing insight that as time goes by, the pain fades.<P>Catnip =^^=

Welcome Sunshine,<P>I had the same experience with my OW. When the OC was born, my H was bringing her to visit and we were making her a part of our family. When the OW found out, she refused to let my H see the child anymore.<P>Seems she believed that once the OC was born, my H would be so enamored with the child that he would leave me. (At the time we did not have any children of our own).<P>I give my H credit for telling her straight out that he would honour his responsibilities toward the child but nothing more. <P>When I have my moments of reason, I consider that it must be very difficult for these OW to raise a child in their circumstances. True, it was their decision to do it. But, it must be awful to spend holidays and other special times alone with your child and not have the "family" setting. <P>But I realize that what everyone said is absolutely true -- those OW are not thinking so kindly of me and my children! (Leelee thanks for excluding Duranie -- she is a treasure among OW!)<P>I keep waffling on this issue. So, perhaps as we go along Sunshine, you can offer some more insight into how you rationalized your acceptance of the OC. Many of us are worried that we are not doing a very Christian thing by thinking bad thoughts about the OCs in our lives.<P>I do believe that God is real and He does answer prayers. So, I am still praying for that miracle that will soften my heart and make me able to cope. Maybe you are part of that miracle ...<P>- Heavenly