You know it's really sad when your sister asks "what do you want for your birthday?" And your answer is - "my husband to be mine alone and for us to be together honestly." Isn't that just too sad? And that is what I told her last week. Well today is the day - and what a day it has been.<P>I posted yesterday and of course my H came by my office to write the "no contact letter" to OW - I didn't mail it - I knew it meant nothing - his heart wasn't in it. It's still sitting here on my desk. Then we are meeting to get our D after work and his cell phone is laying in his seat - and I automatically pick it up and scroll through the numbers - 4 calls to OW (now after he wrote the no contact ltr) and 1 received call from her at work and 1 missed call from her cell phone while he was at my office - needless to say - I freaked. Also - there was another call to a "girl" that he knew because he "says" that one of his friends was having an affair with her and he was the only one that was in the loop and he and she became friends (by the way this was kept a secret from me the whole time and still is a secret "friendship" - - - yeah - my H was probably the one having the affair with her). I'm just freakin' hurt beyond words - how can one person be so sadistic (to quote Cat) and think "I did something". Man - he actually had the gall to ask me this a.m. where I wanted to go eat tonight - and I said "nowhere with you - I'm through with this farce of a relationsihp." Why do I want to get revenge on this OW - I hate her wtih every atom of my being - (I know that is so wrong) but I do - - How can someone continue to kill someone and not have any remorse (he and she alike) - I think they are two (2) peas in a pod. Neither of them shows their feelings - and are selfish beyond words - they are too far gone and spoiled - they always place blame on someone else. Man - I'm looking into ways that I can only let my H have minimal (if any) visitation with our D - that would hit him really where it hurts. I hate him - I hate him for stringing me along for 3 years - and letting me "think" that we had a chance - when HE KNEW the whole time what he was doing - I hate him - and not only is it my birthday (36) did I say that, I meant to say 29! Ha - but then Sunday is our 6th wedding anniversary - yeah a crock - 1/2 of that totally wasted - I have wasted so much time with this loser whose only interest is in "getting one over on someone." Man - I told him after discovery of yesterday - that I knew now - with his "fake concern" and "poor attempt at writing the "no contact" letter" and then his obvious contact with her - he was never going to change - All I had was "a slight ray of hope" - - - - and now no hope.<P>------------------<BR>

DD, please get out. Please start living your life for you. Do not allow your H in any longer. Letter or no letter. If he wanted to send it he'd do it himself. Instead of leaving it on your desk to mail.<P>Please. Today is your birthday. Let it be the start of your new life. Choose a new road. If your H wants to be at the end of it that's his decision. He knows what he needs to do and if he can't see it then he needs to figure it out. Choose that road for yourself and for your D. No more games. This is sadistic. While your H may not be intentially being evil to you he's still doing it. I wonder how he looks himself in the face every day. Or how he looks his baby girl (yours) in the eyes and what he wonders what she'll think of him when she gets older. Not much I would guess. DD, be strong. I'm barely holding on myself and I need you to be strong for me. You are 36. Start your life again. TODAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DD.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

DD: You little Virgo, you...<P>Let's change your 'crappy' birthday into a Happy Birthday...let's do all the absolutely positive things we can to change your life to make sure the next three years are nothing like the last three.<P>Oh, how I wish I could be there and help give you something or some words or some...whatever it is you need to begin again. <P>As far as limiting visitation with Chyna...is this for her benefit or to punish husband? Is she better off not seeing him? Does he upset and confuse her? Or is he a good dad to her?<P>I wish each and every one of us here could be with you today, all of us sitting around a big table wishing you a very Happy Birthday, and a very Happy Future.<P>Catnip =^^=

I think I sorta of understand DD's holding on for so long... I am the same way. I have NEVER chased my H down after he decided to leave. He always came back to me... called me, showed up where he knew I was, whatever... Its that feeling that if they didnt really love us, they WOULD leave us alone. If they DIDNT love us, why would they go through all this trouble of talking us into staying with them.<P>I think the truth is they just need someone to love them..<P>Your H like mine knows that my family is the most important thing in my life and I will move heaven and earth to make my marriage work.<P>So when he comes begging back, I always take him. And he knows I will.<P>Sucks to be me and believe in family so much. But its all I know.<P>Besides... we want to believe they are telling the truth, we WANT to believe they really love us and only us. <P>Sad sad cycle.... <P>How old is your Daughter DD?

My H is a wonderful father - and Chyna adores him. They are buddies and partners. I would be doing it to punish him (as far as trying to not let him have visitation). But it would be wrong to deprive her of that (I know). I'm just talking out of anger. Yep - I believe in family and marriage so much - and always help out the underdog and my H knows that - and he's the one that keeps calling me, and wanting to be with "us". My D is 3 1/2 and the sweetest thing in the world to me!<P>Yep - I need to figure out what I want - but what I truly want includes my H - so I can't have that - it's so funny that that's all I think I want. I guess I know so much how it use to be and know that it could be that way again - but he won't allow it and it's as if I'm not accepting that. I'm in denial.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi again, DD, <P>I rally don't know exactly what to say in response, because I and others have already expressed to you how we feel and our opinions about what you need to do. At least you ackowledge that you are in denial, which may indicate that you are beginning to face reality. <P>We all know how incredibly painful it is to give up a relationship that you want so desperately, but DD, what you WANT is no longer what is REAL. You are clinging to an illusion; a vision of a marriage and family that no longer exist. Imagine how I felt last year when I first went to counseling and my counselor hit me with a similar remark. I kept saying things like, "I just want things to be as they were!" "I want him to be the husband and father I remember, not this SOB who could have an affair AND a child with another woman!!" "I want the man I married back!" "My sons love their father. How can I destroy this family?"<BR> Well, the fact is...I DID NOT DESTROY THIS FAMILY. My H and the OW had something neither I nor our kids nor OW's kids had...a choice.THEY destroyed this marriage and forever tainted the lives of her sons, our sons, and their OC. And you know what else? I didn't think I could survive without him. But you know what? I can. and so can you, dear. (And just for the record, we have been married almost 26 years.)<BR> You can't use "taking your dasughter's father away from her" as your excuse, either. Because she will figure out very quickly where his priorities are. Do you think for one minute that he will put her before the OW or OC in view of how he treats you and your D now? Of course not. Do you really think that your D won't be deeply hurt by living in the midst of that? <BR> Please, please do what you know you need to do. Otherwise, plan to spend a lot of time posting his latest abuse on this website, because you will never be free of it.<BR> Think about it.<p>[This message has been edited by anniem (edited September 07, 2000).]

DD,<BR>Happy Birthday!!! As Catnip said, I wish we could all be there to help you celebrate!!! I read anniem's post and I can't agree with her more. I know you want what you had but your husband doesn't because if he did, he would be doing what he had to do. Lord DD I know you are in a bad place right now and I am so very sorry but it does seem as though the fog is starting to lift and you are starting to see that changes must be made. One day at a time DD, sending you prayers and warm regards

I join everyone else in wishing you a happy birthday, DD. You sound so worn down by all that you have been through, I wish we could form a group hug for you to give you strength.<P>Scanning your H's cell phone really hit home. I do it every chance I get. And, every time I do it -- I hate what I have become. I never wanted to be a sneak, but this is what the whole situation has turned me into.<P>The affair, the OC, they all chip away at you. It is so easy to let the love get chipped away and be replaced by bitterness. You can fight it, but only if your H is willing to fight it with you. It seems that he is not willing to do the work.<P>I am the first one to say do your best to make the marriage work, but when a H proves time and time again that he has no intention of making things right -- that is a different story. <P>So, make things right for yourself. Start over. Take a class. Start a diet. Buy new makeup. You will have pain because of your breakup but the pain will end and you will emerge a new person with (hopefully) a new man who sees what you are worth and treats you accordingly.<P>Instead, you are looking at more years of emotional suffering and the possibility of reaching the rainbow at the end seems to be getting smaller and smaller.<P>Even though you have spent three years in the situation, still take your time making the final decision. Be sure there is nothing left to save. Pray for wisdom and guidance from God so that you can see clearly without the hurt and the anger.<P>Absolute best wishes to you and your daughter. It never ceases to amaze me how inhumane men can be to someone they supposedly love. Good luck.<P>- Heavenly

DD...<P>Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday! Guess what? Today is mine, too! I'm 41 today and when I blew out the candles on the cake my kids baked me, I wished that this whole black, ugly mess would go away. It won't, but I do know there will be closure one day and we will move on again with our lives. Hang in there! I'm going to! Take care and God Bless<P>Comfort

DD,<P>Like everyone else I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. I too do not know what to tell you. I told myself a long time ago that if someone didn't want to be with me, I didn't want to be with him. That is where you are. Your H has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to do what is best for his marriage and his family. You are the only one holding on, and now you are basically becoming a person that is walked on. Please use today your birthday, as a rebirth of yourself. Walk away now before you have no way to pick yourself up. I am afraid that he will destroy everything that is good and loving within you. Your daughter doesn't deserve to watch you suffer anymore. I am worried about you. Please we are here to support you. I know it will be hard to let ago. But it can't be any worse than being used and hurt. You are in my prayers as always.<P>babstr.

I usually don't post over here, because since I (thankfully) don't have first-hand experience, I don't feel qualified to say anything.<P>DD, 36 is YOUNG. You have plenty of time to start over again. I've followed your story, and your H has done NOTHING to earn your trust -- NOTHING. The main reason I'm posting is to point out something in your message -- about this "other girl" that "a friend of his" is having an affair with. Sounds like your H is not only cheating on you, he's cheating on OW.<P>You deserve better.

Dazed & Confused: You are more than qualified!! You have been here longer than I have and your words of wisdom, advice and presence are comforting. Please stick around.<P>Catnip =^^=

DD:<P>It's the day after your birthday now...I hope you did something fun or nice for yourself.<P>How are you and Chyna doing?<P>CAtnip =^^=