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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 36
L
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Posts: 36
After reading the hell DD went through and seeing my own life heading in the right direction, I made a major decision today. Acted on it too. <P>I called H at work and told him I can't work things out with him. I can't be with him.<P>Its one thing to subject myself to his assinine (sp) decisions/lifestyle/ways whatever you want to call it, but its another to subject my children to it.<P>I was thinking about all the things I never wanted to think about before. <P>1. He LOST my son at the park one day when he met his OW there to talk to her. <P>2. I knew something was up so I asked my son if she was there, he told me yes (he is 3) then his father proceeded to tell me and my son that he was lying and she wasnt there.<P>3. Not sure about this but OW told me that they had sex while my children were in the house. H denies that.<P>4. With my H waffling back in forth a couple months back, my 3 year old has becoming very attached to me. I mean he will not let me out of his sight. Very "stuck up my butt" as I like to say. He never used to be like this but now because of his father I think he has a major fear of abandoment.<P>5. My 3 year old has told me so many times he is "mad" at daddy. When I push him for why... he just clams up.<P>Suddenly I realized this crazyness I am subjecting my babies too is having a serious effect on them emotionally. Especially my oldest. I can not risk my H leaving for her again and hurting my children. Or worse, sneaking around with her in front of my children.<P>God I hope I have the strength to stick with it. <P>Needless to say he didnt take it well and I had to leave my phone off the hook at work no less so that he will stop calling me. <P>This is sooo hard.... but deep down I feel that I am making the right choice for my childrens sake.<P>any comments?

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 233
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Posts: 233
Littlebird, it's me again. If this is your decision I am very proud of you. You are right if you can't do this for you then you have to do it for your children.<P>Yes my H too brought our D over to see OW. This killed me. You can't find any worse way to confuse a child like that. Stay strong. Your H may come around and as you say move heavan and earth to rebuild this marriage. But you have to be strong for your children. Not to mention for you. But if you expect him not to waffle then you can't either. If this is the decision you've made then stick with it. Don't use it as a threat because then it doesn't mean anything. I'll be praying for you. Keep us posted and let us know how it's going. I'm thinking of you. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 218
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Posts: 218
Littlebird,<BR>If you feel in your heart that this is the right decision then good for you. The road ahead is not an easy one but you sound like a strong woman. You and your children will be in my prayers. Please keep us posted on how you and your babies are doing. Sending you my warm regards [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
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Littlebird:<P>I know DD's story has scared you. And it should. However, it may seem as though things are heading down that same road for you, but you've only been in this a few months (?) and DD's been in this for three years.<P>Before you throw in the towel, you must try the Harley principles and follow the steps he prescribes. They are very effective and if followed to the letter, you may end up saving your marriage and eliminiating this threat of the OW/OC entirely.<P>Your husband wants the marriage and right now he may want both you and the OW. With the principles and Plan A and Plan B, you may be able to circumvent some of these horrible outcomes.<P>If you call your husband and tell him you are all done and you're unwilling to take the necessary steps to salvage the marriage, then you could be forcing your husband into the arms of the OW.<P>There is process, a format, you can follow to try to do things the right way. Being 'new' to this program is a good thing. You're able to read everything you can get your hands on and focus on what the steps are that you need to take.<BR> <BR>Don't let the OW win by default.<BR> <BR>Give the principles a try...do what needs to be done to fix things, then after a specified amount of time, if it isn't working, then you can throw in the towel knowing you have done everything humanly possible to save the marriage.<BR> <BR>If you see no change in your husband after all that, you'll know in your heart you can begin again without any regrets on your part.<P>Read everything on this site, get the books and read them, then apply the principles and follow them as closely as you can and see what happens. It can take anywhere from six to 18 months, from what I understand, but you can determine the length of time you're willing to put into this.<P>I understand the pain and disappointment and the profound heartache of having this horror come into your life. Just don't do anything rash. I know we can all get angry and militant at times and give into our knee-jerk reactions and want to save face and our pride, but at what cost? <P>If you beleive your husband is having sex with her in the house while your children are there or if you see that your son is acting insecure or confused, you must do whatever is necessary to protect your children. One way to do this is to involve a counselor to point out to him the destructiveness of his behavior to your children. People can be so selfish and stupid about children, thinking their actions don't effect the kids or that they're too young to understand what is going on. People continually underestimate children and your husband is probably completely obtuse to the damage he may be inflicting on your kids. Someone should tell him and impress upon him what he is doing. A wake up call is in order...I hope that you can find a counselor-fast-to educate him.<P>Stay strong, Littlebird, but think things through clearly and follow those Harley principles.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited September 07, 2000).]

Joined: Sep 2000
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Littlebird<BR> If you feel in your heart that it is done then you will have total support from me, but dont let anger rule your thinking. If your H is remorseful and you still love (notice I didnt say like) him it could still be worth it.<BR>I believe one thing the children can learn is the way adults handle things. There will always be a crisis of one kind or another and it is ok for kids to see emotions. Just as long as they also see everyone work together for th ebest solution. Daddy really screwed up and hurt mommy. That doesnt mean daddy cant ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. That is a process and its a good one for children to learn.<BR>Follow catnips advice about Harleys writings. I havent yet been able to read them all, but so far they are very enlightening.<BR>Take a deep breath and pray.<BR>Forgive me if I seem to go on and on...I get all emotional and it is sometimes hard for me to get my ideas down without going around in circles.<BR>God Bless....

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 36
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Posts: 36
Thank you all soo much for all the support I have been given in the few short day(s) I have been here. <P>I do want SOOOO badly to work things out and be a family. <P>I'm terrified that he is going to hurt me again. I'm terrified I will again have to explain to my boys where daddy is.<P>I'm terrified that he will once again make a fool of me.<P>I have defended this man to the point of losing friends and ostrasizing (SP????) family and I dont want anyone coming back and saying "TOLD YA SO" to me when he does it again.<P>I constantly on a daily basis have to listen to my "well-meaning" mother (rolling eyes) tell me what a loser and cheat he is and that he WILl do it again... THEY ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN.<P>I am just going out of my mind and I dont know where to turn. <P>He has continually called my desk and left about 20 messages asking me why I am doing this to HIM??? The nerve... <P>He did this to us. <BR>He doesnt see things the same way I do. I try and try to tell him how I feel. He just doesnt get it. He ignores things and hopes they will go away. I beleive he loves me. But I also believe he has strong feelings for her still.<P>The risk is too big. I have too much to lose.<P>Not enough to gain.<P>Of course... tomorrow, I may change my mind and take him back. I just wish I could feel a definite one way or the other.<P>Thanks everyone for letting me be crazy and express myself like I have. I really need to get this out.<P>

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
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Little Bird, <BR>the well known Ann Landers question is:<P>are you better off with him or without him?<P>You can answer that best. Your mother is wrong. It is possible for someone who cheats to learn from their mistake and not repeat it. I hope my H is one of them. But the cheater has to SHOW with their behavior that they ARE learning from it and ARE turning over a new leaf. Real concrete changes are described in "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring; I used that as a guideline for what I required of my H and HE DID THEM! If your H isn't willing to change anything, then you are doing the right thing by leaving.<P>God bless and guide you and your children.<BR>Jenny

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
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Oh littlebird,<P>This is all so new to you, please take the time to make sure that your head and your heart are in the same place. Believe me I understand how you feel about being made a fool of, and I know what it is like to have someone repeatedly tell you that the man you love is no good.<P>But at the end of the day, when all those people are at home comfortable with their lives, you are the one who has to deal with your own. One thing I have learned is that not one of us is perfect. The only difference is that some of us make mistakes that have such disastrous consequences on others and some of us mistakes in areas that are not so devastating. <P>In the beginning, you will feel these surges of anger that consume you completely, and those will be followed by a desire to make the relationship right again. It is too early in the process for you to make decisions that will affect your long-term happiness.<P>Children are much more resilient than you realize. Brokenwings is right -- children will also learn by example. We want to protect our kids for everything that will hurt them. But, that is not possible all the time. Instead, we can also show them how to handle difficult situations with dignity and wisdom.<P>I know that my H is my soulmate and yet I have recently had thoughts about leaving him. The nature of this crime makes you extremely vulnerable not only to your H's actions, but to your own feelings.<P>Personally, one of my greatest motivations to make my marriage work is to be sure that the XOW loses! My H and I went to therapy and the counsellor made it clear that the cheater has to end the relationship immediately. I believe you have a right to demand that. <P>Follow catnip's advice -- read the various techniques on this website. When you make your final decision, be sure that you are making it from a position of knowledge and strength. <P>I will also be praying for you like so many of the others on this board. Be guided by our stories and our experiences, but always remember that there are differences in every situation. You will find your way, my dear, just give it some time.<P>Blessings,<BR>- Heavenly


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