I'm brand new to all of this and I'm trying to end my one and hopefully only affair. After reading the material found on MB, I feel like I will need to tell my H in order to have accountability and a stronger marriage. But I get sick to think how it will make him feel. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder if I would really want to know. My heart says DON'T TELL HIM!! My head says it will be the best in the long run. I don't know what to do or HOW to tell him. I want it to be as easy on him as possible.
If anyone has any ideas or helpful hints, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks.

Learning of my H affair was the most devastating event I have ever experienced. I suggest you just stop the affair and start spending more time with your husband. Put all your efforts in him.
Emotionally I will never be the same and we can never be the same. I say don't tell.

Hi, I just thought I would pop my head in. I strongly disagree with the former response. I am at the betrayed end too. My life was devastated. However I am healing (and married and I love my husband). Enough about me. If you don't tell your husband you will have lies and deceipt in your marriage forever. This is not a way to live. You will be consumed with guilt. I would suggest that you stop the affair immediatly. You have done the damage now it is time to face the piper. I can't blame you for not wanting to. Well so much for advice on how to tell your husband. Make sure that you are ready to end the affair first. If you tell him and then CONTINUE to have an affair you are setting yourself up for the most miserable hell ever. It might seem exciting to sneak around but this is not innocent and the man you made promises to is the one who you are hurting. In order to save your marriage you have to have honesty. I can't promise that your husband will stay. However these chat rooms are full of people coming out affairs and healing. I have seen a lot more staying toegether than not. The best of luck to you both. Go with your conscience. Stephanie

Well, as one whose husband has recently found out about my infidelity I would recommend that you tell him. Much better that way then he find out through other methods... as for the devestation, yes it will be there... you will have deal with it to get you relationship back to honest... make sure you end the affiar or you will build even more resentment in you husband. We were actually in the process of having divorce papers accomplished by our attorney before the affiar so maybe our situation is different but now that it has been revealed he actually wants to work on our marriage and we havn't filed the papers (he was pushing for the divorce before)... stranger things have happened.. best of luck to you.

Dear cricket65: oh, please tell him. I too, was leaning to the side of never telling my H about my brief A. Wisdom from this sight and the insight of many who responded to my post helped me to realize I had to tell him. Reasons given to me that made sense were as follows.

My reasons not to tell -
it would hurt him
This was selfish in assuming that my H could not bear to feel the pain that I inflicted on him - that he was too breakable - this was unfair to him - he needed to know the truth so that he could decide if he wanted to keep me as his W.

it would cause more problems -
wrong again - the problems that were there would not go away from having an A. The A just complicated things and would make me keep a horrible secret from him that I would have to live with forever

he would never know anyway-
no he wouldn't - I chose to tell him because when he didn't know, there were still ugly problems in the M - dishonesty on my part and no matter how hard I tried to make the M work the infidelity was still haunting me. Someone here compared it to tripping over an invisible elephant. This BS (male) said he wondered why he wished deep inside that his W would die or something horrible would happen to her. He too, did not know of her A, but knew something was not right but he couldn't put his finger on it.

it would ruin our family -
true - it could have possibly ruined everything that H and I had worked for all our M lives, but it was selfish for me to be so arrogant that I wouldn't give my H a chance to decide for himself what was good or bad for him.

what would people think/say -
Too bad - I ruined that when I made the horrible decision to have the brief A. Fortunately my H chose to tell no one and I am thankful for that

Also cricket65 please don't think that just b/c you don't tell your H that your OM won't. If you break it off with him he may decide out of revenge to tell your H. Or possibly OM's W may find out on her own and then tell your H. Would you rather live like that - not knowing if you would be caught?

As far as how to tell, well, some suggested tell in front of a qualified MC as you may not know your H's reaction.

In my case it slipped out at a very stressful emotional time. I'm thankful for that moment b/c I don't know how I could have told him otherwise.

I'm sorry for the turmoil of emotions you are going through. It's not going to be easy but please give your H the dignity of knowing and preferably that you tell him yourself.

I totally disagree with sadnar. You must at least give your husband the benefit of being able to decide for himself if he wants you as his W. It is selfish and unfair to keep this from him. Your H will be devastated by to bury this and ignore it will not make your M better. Tell him and soon. Prolonging it will not help. You must also consider how you feel about OM and how to end it. The people who post here will encourage you to tell. I wish you and your H well.

Thank you everyone....I did tell him the other night and it went fairly well. I didn't go into gory details, and I let him know that I would tell him anything he wanted to know. He didn't ask a whole lot of questions, but he did say he wants to remain married and work on things.
I feel so confused though. I have been trying to work on a NC letter and get it to the OM. But, both times he's called me b-4 I could get it finished and I haven't had the courage (or is it desire?) to go thru with the NC stuff. I feel like an addict! I posted something on another board last night that disclosed how I feel as if I have a split personality and I want out of the A and then I don't want out. I flux back and forth! I have to somehow get in the mindset that I want the A to be done and over and stay in that mindset. But I don't know how to get in that mindset!
Thank so much for all of your support. It is truly a relief to be able to be honest about what's going on with people who can relate. I have absolutely NO one I could share this stuff with! So I deeply appreciate the platform to be transparent!

You did the right thing by telling him. I am glad for you. He will be in shock and anger - different for everyone. Keep honest with him when he asks questions but one thing I found useful - when he asks you something (intimate detail) offer to answer but also ask him how it will help heal your M. There will be many questions from him.

As for your attachment to OM, you must be strong and end contact. It will be tough and you will go through withdrawal. The absolute most important thing is to have no contact (NC) with OM. There is information I read here that said something about 3 weeks of NC before you will even begin to feel o.k. about not seeing OM. I was way past the 3 weeks without OM before I told my H, so this will be hard for you. Recovery will take a long time. Get MC if you are both willing.

Take care of yourself and your H in the meantime. You really did the right thing by telling him. Now your recovery will start.

I agree that it is a huge relief to have told the truth.

How is your H doing?

I will never forget the night I told my H and the pain I heard over and over in his voice. It makes me sick and often I wish I had never told him, but then I stop and think , No I wish I had never had the affair in the first place, that is what I trully wish. Keeping an affair secret is like lying to you H every day for the rest of his life. Afterwards, my told me that he had alot of respect for me, telling him like I did. SAid I had big balls, LOL. Now we can move forward, and are doing so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

About the OM. Think of it as an addiction. Smokers want that next smoke, drinkers want thier next drink, drug users want thier next hit, porn addicts driven to masterbate 5x a day to porn etc et. There were times when I wanted to contact the OM so bad I could taste it, but I did not and the urge to do so was gone the next day. I still get the urge every once in a while, but remember how if I just wait it out, it wil go away. It always does. As the WW I can tell you it was one of the hardest things I have had to do, NC with OM, next to telling my H about the PA>

good luck!

Hi again~
This has been so difficult. I'm so ashamed of myself. While my H was out of town, the OM came & stayed here. He's been living w/his CLW & sons, but he's got a pattern of getting together w/me about once a week or so. When he left here Thur. am, he told me how much I meant to him & how he's never loved anyone like me & yadda, yadda. He said he'd call around 4:30 that afternoon.
It's Sunday morning. He hasn't called. And, I found out thru a mutual friend that he & his CLW took their boys to a hotel out of town for a get-away-weekend.
Saturday afternoon, I had my cell phone # changed. He cannot contact me by my cell phone anymore. That was what I consider to be my first real step in ending this A. It was SO hard to do because I think I've been "addicted" to his calls.

Krissee~you asked me how my H was doing. I'm actually confused about him. I told him that the OM was here while he was out of town. (OM is a friend of both me & H & used to live here) I was honest & told H that he'd (OM)called and needed a place to crash because he'd been drinking & had asked if I'd come & pick him up from a bar. My H was pretty much okay with it all. I asked him if he wanted to talk or anything, & he said that there really wasn't much to talk about. It's really weird.

Well, I know the OM will probably try to call my house Mon. am. I have a strategy plan for that. If he doesn't, then good! It'll hurt, but it'll be just another day further from him!

you have no moral fiber.Interested ONLY in your feelings. Your husband is a fool for putting up with you. I would have booted you out the door for good.

euphoria

you have no moral fiber either

Denver

On one of your posts from last year you asked if any woman would find you attractive, and my answer to you is no, not until you conquer your present bitterness. You urgently need individual counseling, otherwise you'll become nothing but a bitter, lonely old man.

Denver~
Have you ever in your life done ANYTHING you later regretted doing?