I am having a serious problem with when things are going OK, I tend to think about what he did to me and our family. I also, think about the OC that I have no idea about when it was born or anything. I start to picture them together and I get so upset that I start to think that I can not get past this and I will never be able to believe anything that he tells me anymore. I don't know why I do that when things are going OK. There are time when I question where he has been and the answers are questionable because those are the same answers that he gave me before. I am so terrified that he has gotten more clever at hiding and will be more careful. I need help from anyone that has been here where I am or is going through the same thing or just anyone. I am so upset and can't see me staying with him right now.<P>Fedupinfl

Fedup,<P>I don't know how recent your discovery date took place, but I can tell you from my own experience that you will be feeling those "love - hate" emotions for quite some time to come. It is definitely part of the territory.<P>I am driving my H crazy because he says that I deliberately try to place myself in the victim position. When things are going great, I also start to thnk about the two of them together and what he has done to me and my family.<P>Try to focus on the relationship that you had with him before the OW. What made you fall in love with him? Is he a good father? Has he been good to you except for the stupid mistake?<P>If you feel that your marriage is basically a good one, then fight to regain that feeling of the two of you as a team. <P>Feeling confident enough to trust again will take a lot of time. My H and I have an arrangement where he calls me several times if he is going to be away from home. This has given me some piece of mind.<P>- Heavenly

FUIF<P>Whew. Self-sabotage, an over active imagination, self-fulfilling prophecy, suspicion, hyper-sensitivity, over-analyzing...I'm guilty of all of it. And sometimes I can't seem to make it stop. Especially if my husband acts remotely like he did two years ago, I immediately panic.<P>I understand. I, too, will begin obsessing over what happened and have an emotional meltdown over all of it at the most inopportune time. <BR>Everything can be going extremely well, we can be very loving and warm with each other and it will be me who spoils it all with a thought that produces a tear that produces his guilt that produces anger and the cycle continues.<P>It takes a many weeks and months of fairly consistent reconnecting to your spouse before those negative emotions begin to fade. I'm coming up on our two year anniversary when he first met OW and it is only recently that my obsessive behavior has started to fade.<P>The magnitude of what we have endured has conditioned certain responses in us, hard emotional responses. It's like all of us are shell-shocked or something.<P>It takes a lot of understanding, empathy and compassion from the former WS to be able to reassure us and alleviate our hyper-sensitive reactions.<P>Keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention to subtle behavior in your spouse. If you suspect anything, check it out, but try not to accuse without hard proof. This could all be in your imagination. Looking back, I see that a lot of what I suspected was wrong. I hope it is for you, too.<P>Catnip =^^=

fedupinfl: I do exactly that. When things are going well and everything feels right with my H (like old times) and I look in his eyes and see the man I fell in love with I can't help but think: "It's not like old times". <P>That is gone forever and H has taken it from me. And it kills me inside. Kills me to think he risked all of it for a roll in the hay. Or some ego stroking. Whatever the case may be. And then I begin (AGAIN) asking myself whether I even want to bother. Or how I can even go on living like this when the most painful time of my life is just ahead (birth of OC). When thinking myself that I want another baby and am ready. Thinking I may never be able to have another one.<P>It goes on and on. Listen to Catnip. It is very hard and it will be a long process to get through. Try to ride gracefully through these valleys. Just hang on until the roller coaster ends. And once you've given all you can, you will know it's time to get off. Or the ride will end and you'll be able to walk on your own again. Either way your guardian angle is with you and protecting you. Keep your head up. We're all here for you. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

You know, I've been thinking about all this and looking back trying to remember the feelings I felt and the thoughts I had while waiting for the OW to give birth.<P>Looking back, the thing thing that made me the craziest and hurt me the most was of course, finding out about the pregnancy. What really bothered me was the time when she was actually carrying the child. Oh how it killed me to know she was carrying my husband's child...the pregnancy was so much worse than the actual birth. I didn't dread the birth, I welcomed it to be over so we could move forward.<P>The birth came and went without a hiccup or ripple in our lives...all we had to do was to wait for the nasty grams from the courts. <P>I found out where the OW was going to give birth, so every day for about two weeks, I called the hospital inquiring. One day I called and the nurse told me it was a girl, healthy, and that was that. I came out to the back yard and informed spouse that OW had a daughter that day and she named it Loretta.<P>His response was "Loretta? What kind of a name is that for a little kid? What? Like Loretta Lynn? Loretta Young?"<P>Then he said, "Is she healthy?" I told him the nurse said she was doing fine. He said, "Good." And that was that.<P>I was so relieved when it was over. There was no 'pull' for my husband to see the child, to call the OW or be involved on any level. I watched for six months looking for indications that he wanted to see the child, but none came. It's been a year now and still no pull. I am lucky, I guess if you can call this lucky, that I will have no heavy hearted decisions to make with regards to the OC, for which I am grateful for.<P>The child is just over a year old now, and still we go on as before...it's all very strange and surrealistic sometimes...sometimes it feels as though none of this ever happened.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Hi FedUp:<P>First of all, I am happy to have found you. Not happy that you are here, but happy to be able to chat with you again.<P>We all understand what you are feeling. When things like this happen to us, it is very hard to cope day to day. You will have good days, and definitely there will be bad ones. I can remember when I would look at my H eat, I hated the way he chewed his food; I hated the way he looked. I just knew that I hated him. Then I would ask the questions, do I love him?; do I want to remain married to him? My answers were, yes, I love him (but not right now)(haha). I will be honest, in the beginning, I did not want to remain married to him, but I stayed because I was not going to give the OW her wish. Then eventually, I saw how my H was trying so hard to please me, doing what was asked of him, and being sensitive to my feelings. Trust me, it was not easy. But I must say, that time will heal all wounds. Stay focused on the present, try very hard not to look back (I know it will be hard).<P>Another thing that helped me was that the OW does not want my H to be a part of the OC because of me. My H told her, that was fine. He also told her that he has 2 kids already that he loves very much and who loves him. So, we do not have any contact with XOW or OC. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am happy she decided to do it this way.<P>So, hang in there and continue to ask God to see you through this torment, and to guide your thoughts.<P>May God bless and keep you.<P>Sunshine<BR>