I am feeling really confused and you all seem to have your heads on straight at least on this subject . My prob is that I feel a lot of guilt, sadness, resposibility, etc. about the oc.<BR>My father was a real scumbag and still is. He cheated on my mom numerous times and when she finally got rid of him he basically disappeared from my life (not that he was there all that much to begin with), but since then I have been so adament about fathers being emotionally involved with their children.<BR>My H has a 6 yr old daughter from before us and the last time he has called her was March on her B-day. That makes me so angry! How can he be such a wonderful father to our 2 yr old and be so nonchalant about his firstborn?<BR>Just a little info...<BR>Anyway oc is almost one and he has never seen her which is fine with me bc ow is psyco-girl. They are also on the other side of the country. I guess I excuse his behavior bc oc i sso far away. We changed our phone # to a private # in Feb bc ow was harassing me. Since then he has not even called to check on oc. He has not even talked about sending cs. Anytime he has talked about it it is bc I brought it up. (ow appealed to the court to have the case dropped bc she didnt want him to have any visitation rights unless they were supervised by her...she figured out that would never happen so she dropped it...that is how bad this selfish skank doesnt want me to have any part of her child.)<BR>Anyway I found ow on the internet and told her we had sent oc a box. She thanked me but told me it would be headed back my way. She had moved and didnt leave a forwarding address and wouldnt give a new one to me. I even asked her for a po box or a friend's or work address to send it to and she said no. I will Never understand her. She said the reasoning was bc she was nervous about my H. Like he was tryin to trabk her down or something...we were the ones who had our phone # changed!<BR>Anyway she did however send me a pic. of oc via email and when I finally told H I had had contact with her and what was said H didnt want to even see the pic.<BR>I cant understand this attitude especially since when she was still pg he was insistant on doing "the right thing" ( yeah...way to go and get a conscience now). He wouldnt evev discuss the adoption option. (ha-that rhymes!). Now he pretends that it never happened and the oc doesnt exist. He even told our therapist that he has no prob forgetting about it while I sit and worry, worry, worry... Not that he is doing it to me it is just that is a defense mechanism he developed as a child. He can just forget things exist. I think thats what he did with me when he met her..at least when the guilt set in.<BR>Have yall seen "The Story of Us"? If you have you know the part where she is talking about "Harold and the Purple crayon"? Well that is us. H is Harold with the purple crayon drawing the world the way he wants to see it. I am Harold's wife. And as she says in the movie the problem with one person drawing reality the way they want to see it is the other person has to draw reality the way it really is.<BR>My reality is that my H had affair...hussy had oc...H forgets the situation exists...what is my role? Is it their problem? Is it not my concern? And if that is so...can I live with myself?<BR>Please help me...I dont know where to turn with this...it doesnt seem to help to bring this up to H.<BR>Thank you and God Bless...

If you blessedly have no fallout with child support, court, harassment and the OW just wants to be anonymous with the OC, then let it be. You have no role until she begins legal action or starts making demands. <P>I advise you to let sleeping dogs lie...I sure wish I could.<P>Focus on your husband and your kids and let her worry about her OC...she chose to keep it,m let her work out the details...until you hear from her, I would leave it alone.<P>To force an issue with the OC when you don't have to, is asking for trouble IMHO. <P>My dad ditched me too, and now I consider it the luckiest thing that ever happened. <P>Bringing the OC into your lives will complicate it and ultimately bring heartache, embarassment and descention to your family. None of our grown children know about the OC, nor our family...it changes their view of how they see spouse and I can't stand the "oh you poor thing" looks from well-meaning friends.<P>Consider yourself VERY lucky she is far away and not interested in pursuing a relationship for now. This may change when her pockets are empty, but until then, let your marriage heal and your family become reinforced and restored.<P>It wasn't your choice for the OC to be, it isn't your responsibility.<P>Stay focused on what is really important in your life and leave the rest to God. And get legal advice.<P>Catnip =^^=

BW,<P>I agree with Catnip...let sleeping dogs be! I wish the OW in my case didn't want anything to do with my H. I wish she didn't want money or emotional involvement. But she wants both. She's suing for paternity and sent a 4 page letter with pics begging for my H to just meet her. He doesn't want to and I'M HAPPY!! He knows it would destroy our marriage and I'd never accept the child. He's made his choice and I really believe it wasn't a difficult one for him to make. I can live with that without any guilt. I had nothing to do with this child's conception and I'm NOT obligated in anyway to "do the right thing". I AM doing the right thing...for me, my children, my husband and our marriage. Focus on your own life and family. Let the OW take care of the kid she chose to have with a married man...it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM..truely.<P>Comfort<BR>

Hi guys..thanks. One of my fears is if I let this go when will it come back to haunt me?<BR>There has been a dna test and my H is father. Ow sued for child support...my H fought back bc of the amout she was wanting and the visitation. She expected him to agree to supervised visitation by her. Over my dead body! He got a lawyer in AZ. Next thing we knew she had gone to the courts and had her case dismissed.<BR>H has seemed to forget oc even exists and I just can not forget so easily. Since she dropped the case can she come back on us for back child support? I am afraid of that happening and therefore I would rather just get it all legal now. I am so tired of fighting. Does anyone know if she can do that? Even if she dropped the case? She is in Arizona.<BR>God Bless...

::smack smack:: ::shake, shake::<P>ARE YOU CRAZY???<P>I think you and I have had this discussion before in e-mail... you are asking for trouble. <P>If anything, attempt to send her things through the mail, I know you said she wont give you the address but.... maybe you could try again to talk to her about it.<P>If your H isnt worried about it.... I would let it alone. <P>You have TRIED sendin her stuff, as you said, the ungrateful lil hussy wont give you the address..<P>I think you are right in your fear that she will surface later, when her pockets are dry... In that case I understand you worrying, However, the I'm pretty sure child support starts from the date the custodial parent FILES... not from the date of birth. At least that is the way it is in MD where I am anyway. <P>Something else you could try.... if it bothers you that much anyway... You know the OC's name... start buying the baby bonds every month or something like that... or open a small savings account for the baby. that way, if the child comes later in life you can say "see, we were thinking about you, your mother wouldnt let us contact you".<P>Dont tell the hussy that though, she only wants the cash...<P>I would love to have my H not want contact of any kind. In my heart of hearts I feel the fact that he does want to take responsibility for his mistakes makes him a good person... but damn... I wish he didnt care.<P>Leave it alone and pray it never comes up again. Thank the gods you are in another state then the hussy and take care of you and your family. <P>Worry about THAT when you have to. <P>Good luck and god bless!<P>I will be watching for updates!!