This is the first time I have posted a message. My H and I have been married 22 years and 3 1/2 years ago he had an affair with someone he worked with. This had been a good Christian, faithful man until then. I was crushed beyond belief. To add fuel to the fire even though he said it was over I know they have been in contact several times over the years and have met secretly although supposedly not sexually. It has been almost a year since the last encounter. I'm so distraught I don't know what to to. He says he's through but if she calls him I'm sure he'll be there. We have had such a good history, very close couple and 2 beautiful girls in college. I think about leaving and the thought drives me crazy. He says he wants to stay together and he has been very attentive and loving but somehow there seems to be something missing which I guess that something is trust! For those of you who have gone through this several years ago and are still hurting tell me does it ever go away? Should I just leave and try to start again even though I'm now 52 and don't have the options anymore. Do I leave someone that I've had such a close relationship with until this happened and throw 22 years of history together away? I've cried all weekend over this. Just when I think the pain is going away it comes back with a vengence! Any words of wisdom for me?

LR,<P>I'm new to this board as well...only about a week. My H affair was 4 years ago, and he nows has a daughter as a result of that affair. We just found out about the child so I'm dealing with that pain. I can offer this to you. To answer your question, YES, the pain does diminish and you CAN move forward together...but ONLY if it's what you both want and BOTH commit to. It took us 4 years to heal. Me mostly. But things were good..until this new bombshell. But back to you...You sound as though you still love your H and are willing to move forward. I can understand your hesitation because you feel he may still be involved somewhat with this woman. Before you can go forward together, you MUST know if there is anything going on between him and her. He can't have it both ways. He can't be on the fence about where he wants to be...it's either you or her. There can't be any closure and forgiveness and moving on TOGETHER, if his heart isn't there. It's not fair to you and you deserve more. My H and I did lots of talking....lots and lots of talking. I asked (and still do) many questions, details about this affair because for me it helps my healing. It takes away any intimacy that their selfish adultery may have had. he says it was never intimate...only sex. to me, it's the same thing. But knowing about details, no matter how painful, has helped me so much. He tells me everything I ask him about...no hesitation. I hope your H is willing to work..and word damn hard to save your marriage. It's going to take both of you or it won't work. It WILL get better. You will be able to smile and laugh again and not have this be the first thing and the last thing you think about. It does take time, patience and prayers, but you can get through it, and if it's to be together, then your H must commit fully to you and your marriage. Anything less won't work. Wishing you peace in your life.<P>Comfort<BR>

does your husband have a child with the girl he had an affair with?

You asked if my husband had a child with the woman he had the affair with and the answer is no. In fact I accidently put my original message in that catagory by mistake. I'm so thankful that that didn't happen. It would have been too big of a reminder of the whole thing. But even still it's a daily torment.<P>

Dear Comfort: Thank you for your response. Your situation is better in that at least he seems to be completely through with her. I don't think that is true in my case. Even though I don't think he is seeing her any more I feel that he still feels for her. He just doesn't want to loose everything we have had together through the years, emotionally and just everything. He also knows that his daughters would have nothing to do with him if he left me for the OW. When it first all came out he said he loved us both and in a way I think that it true. I don't know if his feelings for her will ever go away. <BR>LR

LR,<P>Well that's at least a blessing that your H didn't have a child with OW. Glad you don't have to experience that kind of pain. However, your own pain in enough. I can't imagine living with my H and knowing that he MAY still have feelings for the OW. And then to have him tell me that he "loves us both"...I don't know how I would handle that. I don't know that I have any constructive advise for you on that matter except to say that I hope you think about yourself and what it will take for you to be happy. Can you live with knowing that your H may also love OW? have you two thought about professional counseling? Perhaps a trained counselor can help. I don't know, but it's certainly worth consideration. <BR>I wish you well and I hope things work out for you and your marriage. Feel free to post here anytime. I'll check back.<P>Comfort

LR - I am new to this board as well. First, I am sorry for all the pain you are going through. It's hard enough to find out that your spouse had an affair, but to also hear him say he "loves you both" although he may be being honest with you, it is hardly something to give you comfort. Second, I am also glad there was not an OC involved to add to the situation. You mentioned that the last encounter he had was a year ago. Is he still seeing her? Did you go through counseling previously? How did he respond to that? I think counseling would help but only if is willing to give up this woman and can honestly say that he has no feelings for her at all. If he says that without meaning it, he's only fooling himself and you even more. Otherwise, it may be time to try Dr. Harley's plan A or B. If you have already gone through counseling and he still refuses to give her up, emotionally or otherwise, then you must put yourself first. I just want you to know that you mustn't blame yourself if you feel you have done everything to save your marriage and it doesn't work. And just because you are 52 does not mean that you are to be sent out to pasture! It happened to me at 48! My H cheated on me for the last 10 years of our marriage with two different women and has an eight year old OC. We went through therapy, marriage weekend retreats, the whole nine yards. I thought things had improved between us and they did, for a while. But it didn't last. Eventually, the anger made me stronger, support groups encouraged me to get out on my own, and so I did. I look at my marriage not as a failure, but as a learning experience. It has made me aware of all my potential and the desire to make me a better person. There's a whole new world out there and my happiness will never be based on another person, place or thing ever again! Fight to save your marriage. But don't lose yourself in the process.