My H and I have been married for 11 years. He has had a very bad temper and for this reason I put up a wall and guarded against his attacks. His temper improved but my wall didn't come down. I stayed distant and quiet with him. He talked about it some but I didn't want his temper to hurt me so I remained distant. In the last 3 months he told me that I've hurt him very badly and he has been talking to another woman. He says they are only friends but I have found some things showing otherwise. When I confronted him with it he always had an excuse and blew it off. Now, he is planning an overnight trip to see an "old friend". I think he is taking his new friend out for her birthday. What do I do? I don't know whether to follow him and expose it or stay at home and hope that he will eventually be honest with me? I love him and want him so much. He has moved out of our bedroom and does not want intimacy with me. He says that hopefully time will heal. I know that I haven't been what I should but I want to change. He won't let me now.

lookndown - I am sorry for the situation you are in. By your post, your H sounds controlling and abusive. It is not your fault that he is involving himself with OW. That is his poor choice. I suggest reading as much information as you can on this site and welcome. Feel free to respond. I'm sure you will get more wisdom here. Take care.

Lookndown --

Welcome to MB. You're in a forum that doesn't get much traffic and I'd like to see you get some more input on your problems. May I suggest moving this post over to Just Found Out or General Questions II -- both get more "action" that this one.

You sound fairly certain that your H will be "entertaining" his friend while on this overnight trip. I think following him doesn't really address the situation. You somehow may be able to prevent contact if you're there, but H will just find another way and time, if that's where his head is.
I don't think that's the answer for you, but this needs to be addressed. no matter what.

Maybe some boundaries are needed--with consequences. Does he identify this "old friend?" Is this a legitimate trip or one for the sole purpose of time with OW? I'd express my concerns in such a way that you are certain he understands. Then if he chooses to go ahead anyway, let him know what the repercussions will be. It hurts a lot to know that your H is involved to some extent with OW and that he would choose to spend time with her rather than attempting to meet your stated needs. No one should ever be put in your position, but it happens all too often around here.

"He says that hopefully time will heal." -- yes, well, in this case, that's not enough. It will be only if he's willing to recommit himself to your marriage and get involved in meeting your needs. Download the EN (Emotional Needs) Questionaire (Home page) and complete it. Ask H if he'll do one too. Real eye-opener for both of you and a good place to start to put this aright.

Things need fixing here (no need to tell you that!) and the sooner the better. Scoot this over to a more active Forum and we'll try to get you some more thoughts on this. Please post again--I'll watch for you over in JFO or GQII. Hang in there; this is fixable...

Ammon

Your situation sounds somewhat like mine. After much trial and error, I am finally listening to advice from various books and people here. Try not to pressure your H too much, that will probably push him farther away. I let mine know how much I love him and that I am willing to do almost anything to improve our M. I also let him know that if it does not work out, I will be OK and that I am going to give him his space to let him figure out if he even wants to work on this. I told him that I can not control his actions, only my own. I am also acknowledging his feelings and telling him that I am sorry that he is suffering. Last night he actually held me and cried. He is tormented and confused. Even though it is incredibly hard, I am just going to try and be there for him, giving him the space he needs and hope that he makes the decision to keep our family together. Also, put your best self forward. Show him that you are the one he wants to be with, not the OW.
Believe me, I know how impossible it seems. I have made many mistakes along the way. Try to talk to others when you feel like you can't take it anymore-not him.