If you've already read my original post (EMA results in pregnancy in other woman) then you already know my situation. Brief summary...H had A 4 years ago. Said it was one night stand. She called to tell me she had just had his baby. That's how I found out. It was 7 months later when I found out. H admitted to one night stand but denied that baby could be his because he swore he wore a condom (yeah right)...anyway, never heard anymore from her and shortly afterward we moved to another city due to H job. Now, 4 years later, she is now sueing my H for paternity. It was a long 4 years but we made it. I made it. I had lots of healing to do and forgiving. I was just about there. Now this. At my H request, he got a dna test done in July. Result in and he's the father. Also discovered that he had slept with ow several times. He finally admitted it now that dna is in. I was hurt so bad because of the lie AND the results. I had almost come to believe him when he said the kid COULDN'T be his because of condom. So now, I'm going through this crap all over again. The pain. I have good days and bad. He has a court day for next month to establish child support payments. He has to go back to the city where ow/oc lives (3 hours away). i'm going with him. BUT...I need your advise. I have had 2 nagging questions. I've asked my H for answers. He has bent over backwards trying to make it right between us. He doesn't want any emotional connection to this child and that's fine with me. BUT, I've asked my H how long he'd been sleeping with this OW. He said since Aug (95) Swears he didn't meet her until then. Baby comes in Mar (96). That means one of two things. He lied to me (AGAIN) about how long he'd been sleeping with her OR the baby was premie. OW sent a 4 page letter with 3 pics about a month ago. Rambled on about how sweet and cute the oc was and how much OW wanted my H (and me if I would allow it) to be a part of OC life. On the back of one pic she put (newborn pic) how much the baby weighted. 4lb and 10oz. Now that doesn't sound like a full-term baby to me. Maybe 7 months. If so, then that would go along with what H said. but it's nagging me so much. I want the truth. Was that baby full-term or a premmie. And did my H wear a condom and just his stink luck (and mine) that the damn thing "tore". Or was it more lies? OW enclosed her email. My H never responded and we just tore pics up. Now I'm thinking I want to respond...but as my H. I want her to think it's him she's talking to. that's easy enough to do...just get one of those hotmail or excite accounts. I could find out the answers (if I believed her) myself. I've been thinking about it and I want to know what you all think. How would you handled it? should I leave well enough alone? Am I asking for trouble? My H has no intentions on having a relationship with OC. But I need the missing peices of the puzzle. I feel like I've been in the dark. He's been excellent about answering ALL of my questions...even the gory details. But it's been part of my healing. But I need to know the whole thing. What would you do???<P><BR>Thanks so much<P><BR>Comfort

Comfort:<P>Eeeew. I am so sorry you are faced with having to go through the painful healing process again. I understand the need to know better than just about anyone, so I probably shouldnt even answer your post.<P>I never let anything go, I investigate everything, I know practically everything. As a result, my healing is going pretty well. But, that's me. You could be entirely different and not need the gory details to move ahead and to heal. But for me, it had to be all or nothing. <P>My husband's candid honesty about everything was tough to take, a nightmare, in fact, but once I knew everything, I was able to process it, grieve, express my rage and sadness, then ultimately, let go of most of it. When I felt he had more information I was not privy to, I felt that he held some special sacred secret that just he and the OW shared...that was far more threatening. I needed to dispel the myth by making him tell me who, what, when, where, how often, et al.<P>I heard somewhere that a secret of infidelity is like a festering sore, but if the truth is told, completely, without any reservation, it's like a bandage has been ripped quickly away...it hurts a lot at that moment, then the pain subsides faster and the healing begins. <P>Comfort, what you propose to do is something I would do because of what I am like and who I have become...suspicious. We all need to do what we must to know the truth. Some don't have the need to know everything and others need to know every single detail. I belong to the latter camp.<P>BTW, my son was two months premature and weighed 4 lbs 10 oz, also. He was supposed to be born in October and came in August. Your husband is probably telling the truth about that.<P>Like you said, you can find out by posing as your husband in your e-mail or you can wait until you go to court and find out there. There will be discussion about when the conception occurred as it did for us.<P>Good luck, stay strong and follow your heart...you are the only one who can say if your need to know validates satisfying your curiosity.<P>All the best<P>Catnip =^^=

Comfort41,<P>Unfortunately, I am worse than Catnip and here's my story to prove it. Catnip is absolutely right, the need to know everything -- even the things that you know will hurt you -- becomes unbearable. But, my therapist said, and I agree, that you cannot have complete closure without going over the story again and again, analyzing every detail and satisfying yourself so that you can process and deal with it.<P>The XOW in my story also had an e-mail address. My H told me that everything was over -- he had told her he would not see her again. Obviously, I was unsure so I wrote to the XOW and established an on-line friendship with her using information that I knew about her.<P>I got a fictitious e-mail account, wrote to her telling her that I got her name from a friend who said she was selling paintings and asked if she would help me out since I was starting my own craft business. When she replied, I started writing to her -- being very friendly.<P>Since we were now "on-line buddies", I started telling her that I was separating from my H because he had been unfaithful and asked about her love life. She told me that she had been involved with someone but that was OVER. And so, I listened. And her stories matched his. That gave me so much peace of mind that it tremendously helped the healing process.<P>The only dangerous part about your pretending to be your husband is that you will make the OW believe that he is still interested in her. She may then telephone him and tell him that she received his e-mail. So, I would not advise that you pretend to be him. <P>By the way, my daughter was born two months premature and she weighed 5 pounds -- so the birthweight does sound correct.<P>Good luck with whatever you decide.<P>- Heavenly

Catnip,<P>Thank you for your candid post. I, too, belong to that camp of "need to know it all"...even it it hurts. I feel "cheated" and left out if I don't. That's the feeling I have still. It's nagging me so much...he may be telling the absolute truth. I think back and wonder why he was so SURE that this couldn't be his kid. He was adamant. Was he that confident because he wore a rubber and figured he was safe or was he just in denial? Well, he had almost convinced me that he was sure because he'd worn a rubber. Am I that niave (sp) to believe that if you wear a rubber the right way that it's pretty effective?? Hell, the only way to surely prevent pregnancy and std is NOT TO HAVE SEX. I've been tested for HIV (only because I had surgery last year). I'm fine, Thank God. Never had an STD ... so really no reason to think he gave me something. I just want to know the answers to those two nagging questions. I agree, Catnip, he's probably telling me the truth...hell..it's all out now...at least I think so. But my gut is telling me there are some missing parts of the puzzle and I know me...I won't rest until I find them. I hope to God he's being truthful with me, but if he isn't, I know I'll find out. Lies ALWAYS come out. He'll probably say it's because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had...I can believe that to a certain extent. But lying to me any more just keeps scratching the scab off of the wound. To completely heal, I have to know the truth and then move forward. I know it's all done and over with (the affair) and it's been 4 years ago...almost 5. But I was in the dark for so long (I feel stupid). Like you said, I don't want any "secrets" between him and her. It takes away the "intimacy" if I know about it. It's not private anymore. It's not about what is good for him...and certainly not for her. It's about what's good and helps me. <P>You should be the "team leader" in this group. I don't know how long you've been here, but you seem to be very wise and experienced. Thanks for responding to me and thanks for welcoming me.<P>Comfort

Heavenly,<P>Thanks so much for your post. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one out there who thinks like me! *smile* You and Catnip and I have a lot in common. I can only imagine how relieved you were to find that the stories "jived" together. I know how I'd feel. You're right, I've thought about her thinking that my H is interested. I was going to say something like this...."ok, now that i'm the father, i've got a few questions...how did this happen? I know i used a condom EACH time we were together. i know it's been a while ago, but i do remember that" (i hope at that point she may remind him that he didn't or better, confirm that he did but that s*** happens). Also "was the child born early? i know when you and i were together. it was august, that means she should have been born full term in june, right?" At that point, she could either admit to an early birth or remind him when it was actually that they were together. At no point would I express any interest in the oc. Just saying something like "since i'll be paying support, got some questions".... or something to that fact. I really don't care if my H found out about it...I'd tell him anyway after I found out what I needed to know. After all he's put me through, put us through, because of his selfishness...he'd better not say a damn thing! And he won't. I've been silent all this time. At least as far as OW knows. <P>Thank you Heavenly....you truely are "heavenly" *smile* <P>ps...it feels good to be able to smile again...at least today.<P>btw: how'd you break off the online "friendship" with OW?<P>Comfort<P>

Comfort:<P>Then do what you must do...I like Heavenly's investigationary (is that a word?) skills. Pretty clever...and she got the answers she was looking for.<P>Thanks for the compliment, but I am way too screwed up to lead anyone...and I've been here probably too long, a year and a half. It's almost time for me to leave and move on but I seem to be slightly, er...quite addicted to this site. <P>It helps me so much. In the beginning, it helped me get through the most profoundly devastating thing that had ever happened to me, and led me through the raw stages of discovery 1,2,3, etc. Then it helped me with my husband's withdrawal. It helped me see what I needed to do to save my marriage and gave me the blueprints to do just that. It helped me through the early stages of recovery and let me express my grief and sadness. The best part was that I made two very close friends here on the forum. <P>Now I get a lot out of offering help to newbies and others struggling with the various stages we all go through to the end result...our healing and the recovery of our marriages.<P>I don't know about all of you, but I wonder how people survived these devastating things in there marriages before Marriage Builders and before the computer age. What a wonderful source to bring us all together so we know we are not alone, our pain is shared and we can come here anytime of the day or night and know there will be someone here who really, truly undestands completely...and cares deeply. Pretty great stuff...Dr. Harley is an angel sent and his principles do work.<P>Catnip =^^=

Hmmmmmm....now Heavenly's got me thinking. I, too, like your clever methods, Heavenly...smart lady! Now, if I could just think of some way to email OW without her being suspicious (i know how suspicious I've become...I know what you mean Catnip). Establishing the ficticious email is easy...but what do I say? who would I be and why would I be contacting her? I don't really know too much about her other than what my H told me. And from what he's told me, there was never much "verbal exchanging" going on. He says there was never any "pillow talking" about the future. I am still relieved and very satisfied to know that. But that doesn't help me in trying to figure out a way to get her attention and establish an on-line communication. I don't want her to have a clue. Any ideas, ladies? I know where she works, her social security number, her birthdate and her address...but nothing about HER. btw, got all that info when H was mailed paternity suit. Her financial affidavit came along with the papers. She also told H in letter that she's still working at same place. I'm open to suggestions. I'm thinking and thinking....something will come to me. Thanks for the inspiration, Heavenly. Thanks for the encouragment, Catnip.

Comfort41, I agree with Catnip and Heavenly. I too have to know everything. I want answers to everything.<P>And if they aren't given to me then I go after them like you wouldn't believe. When I first heard the message (on dday) from OW to my H calling him sweetie, I'm thinking of you so on and so on. She left her pager #. I paged her. When she called me back I told her I knew about her and my H. Asked her if she cared we had a 2 year old daughter. Cared that we were married and been together 12 years. Cared that we wanted to have more children. So on. She told me he told her he wasn't living here. I asked her why then didn't she ask him why she could only call him at work or on his cell. Duh! And I thought I was blind.<P>Do what you feel you need to do to put your mind at ease. I'll do some brainstorming and see what ideas I can come up with. Keep us posted. Take Care<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 14, 2000).]

LSM,<P>Thank you! I knew I wasn't alone. I am very tenacious when I want information and very skilled at getting it. It's just I haven't had much practice at getting this type and I hope I never have to go through this again (any of us). I'll think of something...I'll sleep on it. Humph! you asked the OW if she cared about your daughter and the fact that you and H wanted more kids? NO...that's the problem..these women (?) don't care about anything except their own needs. Not to take any blame from our H (at least not mine becuz he made his bed...and they both laid in it). Thanks again for your response. Any ideas are welcomed<P>Comfort

ok...i'm headed to bed. Sometimes my best ideas come when I'm asleep. Thanks all again for your input and suggestions. I'm really glad I found this place and all of you. Just sorry we are all here under these circumstances. Nite all<P>Comfort

Comfort,<P>I am just like you I too want to know everything. I think your husband was so sure that the child wasn't his because of when the child was born. I had the same problem with my h at first. Plus he wore a rubber, so with time frame difference he figured it was someone else. <P>The weight is right on the money for a preemie also. Good luck in your "investigation" <P>babstr.

Hello Everyone<P>I dont get a chance to post very often but am<BR>living everything you are talking about.<BR>Ive become a detective trying to piece <BR>together this puzzle. Now I see that Im not<BR>the only one. My H answers my questions but<BR>theres still something I cant put my finger<BR>on. Everything happened so fast for us and<BR>I thought I was so lucky to have met such a<BR>wonderful man only to find out 2 very short <BR>years later that he had sex w/ married wh-re<BR>once and she got pegnant. He has been a good<BR>H & wonderful Dad. <BR>I now feel like that mistake is defining my<BR>marriage and life. It doesnt help that she <BR>lives so close. I only wonder what that little boy looks like - then I look at my<BR>babies.I dont want to ever see her around yet<BR>I know its only a matter of time. I still <BR>have many things I want/need to say to her.<BR>I really care about how these children are<BR>going to be affected by this. I want to know<BR>how shes going to tell this child. <P>I went off the subject. I have trouble <BR>getting my thoughts together between my kids<BR>this mess and life in general. I just wanted<BR>to join in to say Yes I need to know all the<BR>details. Its part of my healing too.<BR>We are going to the mts this wkend so I wish<BR>everyone well. I think about you all and <BR>send my best wishes.

Comfort41,<P>I meant to say that I wish you luck in <BR>finding out what you need to know. I dont<BR>have any ideas for you but my hearts in the<BR>right place. Good luck. <BR>I had to go over my H office w/fine tooth <BR>comb. I also scrubbed and cleaned in an<BR>effort to wash away what happened there.<BR>In some ways that helped alot. It seems to<BR>me that your H is telling the truth. He's<BR>sounds devoted to you. I know that you still<BR>need your answers tho and Im sure he will <BR>understand. <BR>

Dear Comfort...gosh I am sorry you are having to do this again...but I know the feeling. My H still hasnt told me everything and probably never will. He claims amnesia. Sometimes it really drives me nuts.<BR>I understand your curiosity...been there and done that. I emailed ow. I did it as me though. She answered my questions. The only problem with it is you arent real sure of her answers being truth either. My H didnt know I did it until about 2 weeks later. I didnt really feel I had done anything wrong in emailing her. I just didnt want to be any part of their deception and lies. So I told him. I had just been on here reading about being completely honest and open and all that so I told him that night. He seemed a little upset but he got over it real quick.<BR>Well Good Luck Comfort and God Bless You

I personally dont think e-mailling her as your H is a good idea. Too risky. If you want to know, I say just call her and flat out ask her. You said in her letter that she wanted H and YOU to have a part in the oc life. So maybe she can be mature about it. Who knows. But like someone above said, contacting her as your H may lead her to think he wants her again. AND you could get "lost" in the conversation too easily. She may make reference to something you know nothing about. E-mail her yourself, be honest, explain that you were crushed at the revelation four years ago and you need closure. I think honesty is the best way to go. <P>Good Luck and let us know what happens

I want so badly to know everything too, but my H claims to not remember anything about the one night stand. He was drunk and says he is so upset and angry at himself he thinks he blocked it all out. Do I believe that? I have told him over and over how I need to know in order to get beyond it and heal and have showed him several postings on this subject. He totally understands and tries to give me more, then he sees me start to cry and gets sick to his stomach and doesn't remember anything.<P>As far as for OW I will not get anything from her, she seems to have disappeared and I hate not knowing what she is going to do and what she is thinking. We have been advised to not try contacting her again.<P>My healing is really stalled over all of this.<P>What do I do now ? I am definitely not creative enough to be sneaky and find out info on my own as far as she is concerned. I have sat at my computer and wished there was something magical I could do to contact her or her SO and find out as much as I can.<P>I'll be watching to see what you come up with and will be thinking of you.<P>Take care,<P>Carrie<BR>

carriemom,<P>My h has the same problem with his one night stand. What is our biggest little snippet now? He claims he never wanted "that" of course I say if he didn't then he would have never slept with her. I think that is how he tries to live with himself. Thinking it had to be someone else that was there that night, not him. And to a certain degree that same person who lied and covered up the oc/ow for over two years. I think he had really convinced himself that he wasn't there and it did not happen. I don't know how people live with themselves and can get up every morning and not feel that pain and show it. It is beyond my brain. I don't think I will ever know everything. Plus he was drunk so he claims it is even more hazy. Go figure... My nightmare is if I found out that it didn't play out the way he said, if course is a possibility.<P>babstr.

babstr,fluke,broken_wings, littlebird & carriemom...thank you all for your replies. That's what I needed...input! You know something, broken_wings & littlebird, it never occured to me to just ask her myself...just be upfront and ask her. I have been so mad, pissed, angry and wanting to kick her a** if I ever got the chance. She has been the source of much pain and tormoil in my life (not excluding my husband), but SHE called me to inform me of the affair and baby. I can't help but look at her as evil. She wanted nothing more than to cause disharmony, trouble and confusion in our marriage and she did. She wanted to destroy it...but my faith in God to help to heal me and my H love and recommittment to our marriage is what saved. I can't forget the pain she's caused. I know the silence is killing her. Since she wrote that letter she hasn't heard one word from my H or myself. You don't know how often I've wanted to email her and tell her what I think about all of this. But I haven't. She calls here waiting to get my H on the phone...hoping he'll answer. But my H never answers the phone...even before all this. He hates talking on phones. Most calls are for my kids anyway...and either myself or my kids usually picks it up. She's been calling everyday since the dna has come back. But nothing but silence. *big sigh*...I don't know. I don't know if I'd believe her anyway with whatever she told me. Well, I've got to do my walk around the neighborhood before it gets too dark. The only good thing about all this mess is that I've lost my appetite and have lost 10lbs without even really trying. I lose my appetite when I'm stressed, anxious or worried. Anyway, I'm still planning something...just don't know what yet. Will keep you all posted. Thanks again and bye for now<P>Comfort<BR>