I will have been married for only two years in June 03. This is a second marriage for both of us. His first wife died and he was left with two children. I have one with my first husband and now we have one together. We had a long distance courtship which I regret. What I thought I was marrying I was not. After about two months into the marriage I realized I had made a major mistake. I thought I was doing God's will. My H and I do not see eye to eye on anything. We cannot agree on how to raise the children. We do not have anything in common. I find that I don't even like being with him much. I do not desire him anymore. I tried to address these issues early on, but he claimed to have no problems and therefore I should just sit back and let things be. He said he did not need counseling because there was nothing wrong with him. I have resented him ever since. My family senses how unhappy I am with him. Now, I stay in the marriage just because of my children. But I don't love him anymore. How can I keep going through the motions. It is hard.
dr

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: daisyruth ]</small>

Daisyruth --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry no one has picked up on your post. You're not being ignored on purpose but you've picked a Forum that doesn't get much traffic. Maybe you'd consider moving this post over to one with more activity, like General Questions II (the most active).

What you're trying to do is very difficult. Yours is a very "young" marriage, barely over a year and a half old. As you've said, you knew pretty early in the relationship that things were in trouble. Was yours a "whirlwind" courtship? A long-distance one is doable but carries its own set of special and necessary rules and considerations. Did you not have adequate time to really get to know him?

Statistically, second marriages have a significantly higher rate of failure that even first marriages (third marriages are worse!). One would think that valuable lessons would be learned in each marriage to enable couples to weather the storms and overcome the odds. But no, doesn't work that way. Mistakes are repeated, problems and behaviors are carried forward, lessons are forgotten or ignored, relationships sour, marriages are doomed.

But a lot depends upon the couple. Where are you as individuals first and then where are you as a couple. What do you want out of this? You "don't love him anymore" and "I stay in the marriage just because of my children." Sounds hopeless...but it's not.

What if you could have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with your H? What if your marriage could be everything you want it to be? What if H could meet your EN's and be what you want a husband to be? A lot of "what if's," I know, but all possible, all doable. If there's one thing this site is famous for, it's building marriages. Much here is based on recovery from betrayal and infidelity, but much is more universal and helpful in a more general sense.

Right now you probably don't feel like putting much effort into something that seems like a very lost cause. Your four children (ages?) need a stable home and family, but you and H do as well. It's amazing what people can do when they put their minds to it, what they can accomplish, how things can be turned around.

You mentioned counseling (which H rejected). Would you consider counseling for yourself, set an example (as Just A Wifey says) for H but with something that helps you at the same time. See, I think, as unhappy as you feel right now, that you could recapture the things you want and need in your marriage, that you could not only have this work out, but work out well and blossom into a good and rewarding marriage.

I'm glad that you've joined us. We'll help you all we can. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We do care...

Ammon

Hi...Life is really difficult at times! Loosing someone you love from an illness, accident or divorce can take a long time to heal from.

I agree that your H needs to talk with someone about his feelings. Have you tried dragging him to a theropist?

I believe that there are many stages of "love". * hot and heavy * patient & understanding * friend love * ever lasting love

Maybe the hot & heavy has died, but the ever lasting might just be around the corner. Falling in love took the two of you to romance one another and staying in love sometimes means one has to sacrifice more than the other.

I would recommend taking your husband aside and expressing how you feel. All to often...we think that our spouse knows what we are feeling. But honestly they don't.

I have gone to counseling and it was very helpful for me. H says he has no problems to work on and does not need counseling. After I threatened to leave him back in May he said he would go to couseling, but still says he has no problems. I want to stay married for my children. I am so tired and have had illnesses to deal with that I don't have the energy for H anymore. Somewhere I just stopped trying. A month into our marriage, he went to his first wife's family reunion. This was an 8 hour trip and he expected me to go. I am expected to welcome her family into my life with open arms. I am suppose to treat them as my own. I do what I think is necessary for my stepchildren, which is above and beyond the call of duty, but he does not see it that way. Anyway, my family questioned why he was going and so did his family. His children were already there with their grandparents. He did not have to take them. His explanation to me was that this is "his family under God." He has never been this way with my family. My family and myself can be pushed aside when it comes to first wife's family. I believe that was the moment I realized I had made a serious mistake and I started to stop loving him. I do not trust him. I do not respect him. For a while, I was able to get by on "going through the motions." Now after breast cancer, having a baby, the continual stress of our home life, I am tired. I don't have the energy to care anymore.

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: daisyruth ]</small>