I read your response to LittleBird's post of "Wonderful News". You said you were feeling guilty about not having space in your life for OC. I'm wondering how old OC is? How does your H feel about OC? I will admit that during all this turmoil I have thought briefly about OC of my H and felt a bit sorry for her, especially after seeing her pictures. She really is a cute little girl. But I've asked God to help me feel peace about my decision and NO GUILT. I'm the queen of "guilties", but I feel there is no room in my life for that guilt about this. It would be too much for me to deal with. If you would like, I wonder if you'd share with me why you feel guilty and how you've moved on inspite of it. How are you and H doing throughout all this? Does he feel guilty? Mine doesn't seem to be.<P>Thanks and sending you a warm hug. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with.<P>Comfort

Oh, Comfort, where do I start?<P>My OC is 10 years old. My H and I started seeing her when she was a baby -- like your OC, she was adorable and sweet and innocent. At the time I was trying to get pregnant, so the OC's arrival was a doubly painful experience -- another woman had given so easily what I had been struggling for several years to give my H.<P>But, my need to nurture and "mother" was so strong that I was willing to give it a try. Well, when the XOW found out that H and I were spending time with the baby as a family, she refused to let H see the baby. <P>This lack of communication went on for quite some time. I went on to live my life, to have two children of my own, and to put the OC in the back of my memory. Until ...<P>a year ago, I found out that my H had resumed seeing the OC and was using a variety of excuses (working on the weekend, etc.) to sneak behind my back to do it. What I was not prepared for was the way that all of the horrible feelings about the affair, the OC, my own infertility at that time came rushing at me as if it was yesterday.<P>The sheer intensity of my feelings made me realize that seeing this child, bringing her into our lives, would be a constant reminder of a time when our marriage was most vulnerable and my H had failed us miserably.<P>My H would like to see her and he says he was sneaking to do it because he knew that it would hurt me terribly. But, he came from a broken home and he has strong guilt feelings about leaving a child "out there" in the world without a father.<P>I am a very devout Catholic. And, on top of that, I had some serious health problems two years ago which I survived, through a sheer miracle. I feel that if God can forgive me my sins, who am I to refuse forgiveness to my H. And, worse yet, how can I blame an innocent child? <P>I have lived with the guilt by rationalizing that I don't dislike the child, I dislike what she represents. And every day I try to look inside my heart and find compassion there for this child. I love children but I have not been able to open my heart to this one.<P>And so I continue to be torn all the time. Every time I go to Church I think about my feelings for this child. And, even though I am sticking to my decision not to see her or be a part of her life, I do feel that it is a horrible decision. I keep trying to change, but so far, no luck ...<P>- Heavenly

Hi,<P>Because you are a Christian, I would like you to read my reply to cjack's under General Questions II (board where I started out but I cruise around to console others).<P>Healing is a very important part of the process we go through when we are faced with the horrific impact of an affair.<P>We go from shock, denial, hurt, grieve, anger, hatred, bitterness, forgiveness, healing, restoration (of self), rebuilding (of self and marriage {if spouse stays}).<P>I am reading Forgive and Forget- healing the hurts you do not deserve by Lewis B. Smedes.<P>Healing helps you become whole again. You will not forget and the principles of honour still applies and the word of God still stands. But it helps you to participate fully in life with peace, joy and love.<P>Many pastors are of the view that if you pray to God, the answer is always "Love and stay in your legal marriage, be responsible for the financial upbringing of OC without the contact with the OW". Bigamy is forbidden in the new testament, and is viewed as adultery.

Heavenly,<P>I can feel you struggling with this decision. I hope you truely find peace with your choice. That is what I have asked God to do for me. Bring peace of mind, soul and spirit back into my life. I am usually a person that worries about things that other people don't even give a second thought about. Not this time. I don't want the guilt and I don't accept it. I didn't have anything to do with this child coming here and I don't want to be emotionally responsible for her life or making her a welcomed part of ours. I know what you mean when you say you can't open your heart. Neither can I. I, too, have forgiven my husband. I did that a long time ago. This was just a major setback that I'm still recovering from. But I know with the grace and blessings from God, we're going to make it...again. There may come a day when I can think of this OC without the pain and heartache..but that time is not now...and I'm at peace with that decision. Thank you for sharing with me...with us. I hope you find the peace you deserve. God Bless.<P>Weep: Thanks for your reply as well. And yes, I agree...my H will be responsible for financial obligations of OC, but NOTHING to do with OW. Afterall, he "played"...so now he's got to "pay". God Bless.<P><BR>Comfort