I am in a situation where my H had a supposedly one night stand w/OW and sadly produced OC. He met this person while refereeing basketball games. I told him no more refereeing. He agreed, but he told me that it could have happened anywhere and that referring did not cause him to do this. I say, well, if you were at home this wouldn've have happened. Needless to say we have a difference of opinion. Now the time has come around for the referees to get this season started and he wants to do it. My question is, should I just forgive him and let him do it w/ conditions? I don't think that I can put up w/ some of the stories he told me last year for the reasons why he would come home late. I already told him that there would be conditions if we both agree to him doing it again. He says that he is not that person that made that horrible mistake and that he loves me and he wants to be with me only and our 2 children. I do admit I am not getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about this, maybe because I do believe that he has changed back to the person I thought I married. Or is it because I am so cold that I don't feel anything. I need help and some advise on how I should handle this. I also told him that if he does this things here had better changed drastically and he still has his responsibilities around the house. He said that he would do only 2 games a week and no games on the weekend or other pick-up type of games that may come along. <BR>Please I really need some advise and ideas. I just need help.<P>Thanks,<BR>Fedupinfl

Dear Fedpl,<P>It is about the two of you, and you should both do something that reassures that the marriage is on the right path. Try marriage counselling that addresses the issues of trust, communications, and acceptable boundaries of behaviour.<P>If, like myself, you are a christian, get to a good church and receive bible teaching for both of you. The word of God helps one to walk in the paths of righteouness and in the light. Get him to be accountable to a brother in the church so that he knows his boundaries.<P>Please read my reply to cjack on soulish ties and healing (under General Questions II) because it will take away a lot of your emotional trauma.<P>God Loves you<BR>weep

Hi Fedup:<P>I can say this to you, and I think everyone will agree. YOU CAN FORGIVE YOUR H, BUT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOUR H DID. If you say that H has 1) shown you that he is truly sorry for what he has done; 2)has shown you that he loves you and only you; 3) you do not have the bad feeling in the pit of your stomach like you use to; I think you can begin to forgive him. In the process of forgiving, you have to set aside the past. Constantly thinking about if you agree to let him go back to refereeing that he may make that same mistake is not going to help you. You say that he referees, then he should know the rules of playing ball. Put the ball in his court and see what he does with it. You know, why don't you suggest to make it a family outing. Try to make some of those games that he referee. If H has a problem with that, then I might be skeptical.<P>We,(the betrayed wives) if we truly want our marriage to work, that is one of the things we have to try to do "forgive". It is not an easy process, but a LOOOONG one. I suggest that you give him a shot at it, and make him aware that there is no more room for mistakes!!!!!!!<P>Another thing, there is nothing like a praying wife. Ask God to reveal to you the things that you have doubt about.<P>P.S. I replied to your last post. Did you see it?<P>Wishing you well,<BR>sunshine504<P><BR>

My H had a one night stand (last May) also and there is a possibility of an OC. It was a drunken night at a bar with friends and a stranger flirted enough for him to subcomb to her in the back seat of her car - STUPID!!<P>Well, he himself has made the decision that he will never go anywhere "out" like that without me. He gets sick to his stomach even thinking about it and how he use to be when he went out with his "buddies". Even without the unfaithful act he hates the thought of how he acted - the talk, actions, drinking too much, etc. I always did disapprove, but what could I do, I wasn't his Mother and I trusted him (silly me). I could not stand him going out ever again this way just because it is world we do not need to be a part of, it stinks. As for doing other things on his own, although I will be uncomfortable for a long time because he broke my trust, I think if I have to keep him close by all the time to keep him faithful then there just is no chance for us. But he does have a long way to go to really regain my trust.<P><BR>carrie

Dear fedupinfl,<P>It is an ongoing struggle to forgive my H.<BR>My H's mistake was also a one time thing.<BR>He says everytime I ask that it was stupid,<BR>it makes him sick to even think of her.<BR>I cant believe how quickly life can change <BR>from one mistake. <BR>If your H is willing to compromise with you<BR>and your instincts are on track I'd suggest<BR>you give him the chance. Like the others said<BR>let him know there is no room for any more<BR>mistakes. Im sure he's already aware of<BR>that! Good luck to you!! But if on the other<BR>hand you just cant accept it then see if he<BR>can wait out this season and try again next<BR>season - maybe the time frame will be better<BR>for you. Whatever you decide my thoughts and<BR>prayers are with you.<BR>

Thank you all for your responses, they helped a great deal. It seems that all of you basically feel the same way. I will give him another opportunity to referee and if he messes up then it's over. I do think that he will do the right thing this time around. He says that it's a privledge for him and that he will do whatever he has to, to make me comfortable. <BR>Sunshine504: What you said as far as not thinking about what he could do again will not make things better. I have to try and remember that on a daily basis or whenever he has a game. He did suggest that there will be games that we all can attend as a family. He does not have any problems w/ that. I need daily motivation until I can do it on my own. Going to church I know will help me in that endeavor. Yes, I did receive you other reply and that one helped me alot too. I just have short term memory and I forget and start that negative thinking process and mess everything up. This is very hard to do. I need talk to myself daily and tell myself that things will be OK and that he is not that stupid to make the same mistake twice.<P>Fluke, You sound alot like me. I will give him another chance and I hope that it works out for the best. <P>Carriemom: You are correct, if I have to keep in next to me 24/7 then I don't need to be married to him. He should be honest when he's with me or without me. I never thought about it that way before. Thanks for the insight.<P>Weep: I will read your reply in Gen.Quest.II. And tell you how I feel.<BR>Thanks!<P>