O.K. guys..I am going to ask of you a HUGE <BR>favor...I am having some major problems with Twin A (the oldest). Considering this is in regards to an OC and I know this is hurtful, etc. to you guys, for this one particular "post" of mine, can you guys look at this from your "mom" or "woman" perspective not as a betrayed W? You guys have been incredibly awesome to me and I appreciate it but, I need some BIG TIME advice here.<BR>You guys know the crap that xMM has been putting me through. I have social services breathing down my neck, the xMM causing me grief beyond grief and now this...<BR>Last night I got a call from "A"'s teacher. It seems he has been acting out horribly in school, to the point that the teacher feels he is "unteachable". The teacher is at a loss on what to do. Calling me was the last resort to him...We talked for over an hour.<BR>I know this situation stinks big time for the twins. I have them in family counseling, and as I said before, I have let their father maintain the relationship with them (against my better judgement). All in all, things have been going as good as they can. Of course, considering the visitation is unsupervised, I have no idea what the ex has been saying to the boys until now...<BR>The twins are like night and day. "A" is very high-strung, hyper, violent, angry,non-responsive, etc. "B" is just the opposite: mellow, calm, caring, loving,etc.<BR>"B" has been handling the "new" routine really well. He tends to "go with the flow". <BR>"A" hasn't. He has been freaking out in school, hitting the other kids, etc. We know he has ADHD but, their father REFUSES to allow me to medicate "A". Feels "they are twins, if one doesn't need it why does the other" The moron....<BR>Between my health, social services and now this, I am at my wits end..Do any of you guys have any experience on dealing with ADHD? Can someone help me? Give me advice, suggestions?<BR>Should I break down and try to have a civil conversation (with W present of course!) with their father? But, I am also afraid of the social services situation.. I feel backed into a corner right now. Help.....<BR>Thanks guys I apprecaite it...

Hi, Duranie,<BR> My son was an ADHD child...still is, to some extent, at the age of 29. He took medication (Ritalin) until he was about 13-14.<P> His younger son (age 7) is also ADHD...much more so than his dad was. He is on Adderall.<P> Our daughter's son (age 6) is also ADHD; he seems to have become more AD than HD. He also takes Adderall. His father (whom he hasn't seen in almost 2 years) also objects to his son taking "mind-altering drugs" (despite HIS own crack addiction! Go figure!), but our daughter told him to kiss her @$$...that she's raising the child and not him....that SHE determines what he needs and doesn't need.<P> So, I would say that since you are the one raising these boys, you are the best one to determine their needs. You get your son whatever help he needs. If medication can help your son calm down enough to learn how to cope and control himself, then go for it.<P> It's not a cure-all, but it surely does help our kids.

HI, Duranie, as a mom and a substitute teacher, one thing I would recommend is get in touch with your school Special Education Dpt. ADDHD has to be documented by a Physician. Look on the "net" for websites pertaining to this. You might also get the school involved with Social Services. If the school is aware of what is going on they might be able to help you with your situation with their father. Have you told your sons' school that no one else but you, especially not him is allowed to remove them from school. <BR>Recap: 1. Talk to his teacher and the counselor if the school has one.<BR>2. Talk to Special Education Dpt about his possible needs<BR>3. Find a physician who specializes in ADDHD and have him examine your son.<BR>4. Do your homework, find out all you can concerning ADD. My son we think has ADD without the hyperactivity, but when he was young(he is 22 yrs now), they did not realise a child could be ADD with out the hyperactivity. Hope this helps get you started. <BR>The government mandates that these children who have special needs get their needs met in the education system. My daughter gets special Ed help because she is an "auditory learner" she has to have her assignments read to her. There is more but no reason to go into that now. My nepheews and niece are dyslexic. Get your son the help he needs to get his education. Tell the XMM to grow up. that's part of his problem. He still has not grown up and be come a giving person. He only takes. Sorry, that's my take on people who cheat. They only care about their own wants and desires. Just like the wife, sometimes the OW is a victim also. Most esepcially the children are. I'll get off my soapbox. Take care. Glad to find you here. Hoping your life will get better for you and your precious children.<BR>T-girl

duranie,<BR>Do you like you children's therapist? Is it any help to them? Is he/she any good support or souce of info.? What has he/she recommended about the boys? About them seeing their dad, or about A's school problems? Maybe you need another professional opinion, like school counselor or other.... Obviously the stresses can't be helping any AD condition. Pardon me but I don't think the father has their best interests at heart and I don't see why MM has any say so long as he is acting out like a child himself. Do whatever is best for the child; you cannnot reason with unreasonable people, no matter how much you talk to them! <P>Also,(though personalities play a part), family system theory says one child will play a role while another plays a complimentary one... meaning son B may not feel as good as he is pretending, but he figures with all the pressures on you and A's acting out, he cannot "afford" to act out his fears/problems too. He may need help too.<P>I pray you and the boys will find some peace and serenity just around the corner!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited September 19, 2000).]

Duranie:<P>If you KNOW (by a diagnosis from a trained professional) that your son has ADHD, I would suggest that you start medication for him. I can't imagine that the father (who isn't the custodial parent) can block this.

Thanks guys for the replies....<BR>I guess the ex just has me totally paraniod about this. At every opportunity this man is making my life hell in regards to the twins, all because he is not getting his way in regards to the situation...<BR>He has threatened me in terms of custody in regards to the medication (that is why I have put it off so far)and it just scares me. <BR>I know "A" needs this help, I am just afraid of opening up another can of worms.<BR>I hate living my life in constant fear...<BR>Social Services so far seems to be on my side which is good. I am just afraid that if they catch wind of this it will look bad for our family as well(ie: I have a mentally "disturbed" child due to my home environment,etc.)<BR>Like I said it is just strange in terms of the differences with the twins.<BR>They are like night and day..<BR>The therapist says this is common with twins.<BR>B is very well adjusted, plays well with others, very happy, open, loving,etc.<BR>A is just as happy but,the hyperness, etc., makes him very difficult to deal with.<BR>It is affecting his learning that is why I am finally going with the medication. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I am doing the right thing....Thanks.....

You are absolutely doing the right thing be getting the assistance "A" needs. A close friend of mine, her daughter is 8, was real reluctant to put her daughter on medication because fo all the publicity adhd has gotten. She thought mayeb it was unnecesary, but finally broke down an dgot her daughter the help she needed to deal with everyday life. It was definately a blessing and now she wonders why seh waited so long.<BR>Do what is best for "A"...sounds like their father has some MAJOR problems.<BR>God Bless you and "A" and "B"...

Thanks for all the info. It is appreciated.<BR>Yes, you guys are right. Their father has MAJOR problems....He has had serious problems with substance abuse in the past (5 DWI's), and he has major control issues. He feels he must control every situation and every person in his life. Unfortunately, I am a very controllable person, fortunately, his W is NOT! That is one of the reaons why he gets so nasty with me, because my personality allows it. That is one of the reasons why I want ZERO contact with him now.....Thanks guys. You are all wonderful....<BR>BTW, for the members here who have the experience with ADHD how long was it before you saw results? I am just curious.....

Duranie:<P>My son has ADHD. The effects of Ritalin for him were immediate and pretty significant. He's been on this medication for about 4 years now (he's 10). Ritalin is very fast-acting (on the order of 30 minutes), and it has a relatively short duration-of-action (which means multiple dosing during the day). I don't have any experience with Cylert or Adderall.<P>One thing that is important for you to be aware of is that ADHD kids will tend to "self-medicate" if they're not getting medication through a doctor. The things they will typically find "help" their brain run from caffeine (coffee, soda) to nicotine and cocaine. You can help cut off the drug abuse issues with ADHD'ers by getting them more appropriate meds before they hit their late teens.

Duranie...my brother i son Welbutrin (sp) and to eb honest I do not know anything about it..we dont talk. My friend with the 8 yr old daughter saw results immediately. I do not know off the top of my head what she is on, but I know its not ritalin. Ill find out for you though.<BR>Good Luck and God Bless...