OW has suggested we use the same lawyer and attend on differnt days to come to an agreement on CS. I don't trust this woman. I'm not sure if my H does or not. Should I even entertain this option? I don't want to however has anyone heard that this is a more desirable option?<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I think that sounds like conflict of interest to me...How would you guys (meaning you & H)<BR>be able to come out "fairly", when the same person is working for the opposite side?<BR>I would retain my own lawyer or possibly go through mediation.....<BR>If your gut istincts say "no" go with it...<BR>Good luck....

Thanks for the reply Duranie. How do I go about researching "mediation"? Do I need to hire someone for this? Sorry I'm such an amateur. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

You can't trust your H with her, you can't trust your lawyer with her.<P>Does it make sense?<P>Realistically, it is the most blatant and ridiculous suggestion I have ever heard. You are a softie, I would have screamed at her thick skin, and that she wants me to foot all the lawyer's bills since she is the 'underdog'. You can't believe the nerve of some people?!<P>Is she your friend? What makes her so 'cosy' about the whole thing? It really looks like she has no conscience and no guilt, she is just going shopping, and might as well...? What is this world coming to? It is like someone asking the betrayed spouse, since you are not wearing the ring anymore, can you drop it at the jewellers to clean and I will pick it up, or since your baby's grown a bit, can my OC have the crib, or can you book the maternity ward for OC as well since you are going to give birth at the same hospital,...<P>Can't she do her own homework and get her own lawyer? Is she stupid, illiterate, or she thinks you are one big family and she might as well start asking for the favours now? I am constantly amazed at the way people think and do things!

Look up Mediation Centers in the yellow pages.Check out Law colleges (they sometimes work for free as well)Basically, it means you BOTH sit down, as adults and try to work out a solution without lawyers. It is less expensive(sometimes free) and it can work. It might be the best thing for you guys. Otherwise, i would get a lawyer and work out what is BEST for you guys! Her lawyer will NOT work in your best interest!<BR>Good luck!

I'm not sure what this girl is thinking. While I don't want this whole thing to get blown up and put us in a war you are right I'm not comfortable enought to have the same lawyer. <P>I considered it because I'm trying to keep everything as painless as possible. And I don't want to be construed as trying to be difficult. How can we do this with 2 separate lawyers and keep it as civil as possible? <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I think you get the message. You and your H need to hire an attorney that will represent your interests. Thank her for her 'goodwill' effort, but firmly let her know that she's not dealing with a softy!

Get your own lawyer. It always amazes me how helpful these women are. They sure helped themselves to our husbands without any thoughts for the better good. Don't trust her, her words and actions are not to be trusted. Look at were her words and actions have put you. You don't have to be cruel, but no one including a court could expect you to be nice to this woman. <P>babstr.

I think under these circumstances, if no one is name-calling, it's civil! Try mediation if you can (with you accompanying your H of course--everything by joint agreement!). But don't share a lawyer.

I concur with Jenny.<P>Catnip =^^=

Thank you everyone for your feedback. And as always yoru support. My H and I talked last night and we are going to suggest mediation/arbitration. Let's hope she agrees.<P>Not that we have an choice in what we have to pay, right?<P>Question. She indicated in her e-mail to my H that we could not retain the same attorny as she suggested if we are contesting paternity. Isn't a DNA required when you file for CS? <P>Also everyone. My H and I have a little girl. In OW's e-mail she subtly let him know she's having a boy...THAT HURT! <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

LostSoulMate:<P>You have not received DNA results yet? Then meeting with an attorney or mediator may be premature. Get the results first.<P>As for the not-so-subtle reference to the sex of the child, you indicate that somehow a boy is more valuable than a daughter. I know this is important to men sometimes, but in the big scheme of things, it makes no difference.<P>Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip: Not that a boy is more valuable than a girl. By no means. But that I wanted to be the one to give my H both a daughter and a son. Obviously if he provided the correct chromosone(sp?). <P>As far as DNA no the baby is due in February. I'm sure this OW wants to get a jump on this and I don't want her to end up suing us and making it more difficult if we request to wait until then. Or should we just wait to arbitrate or should we suggest language be added to the paperwork that upon confirmation of paternity...yada yada yada? Oh, did I mention...THIS SUCKS! <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I don't know about the laws in your state but we consulted a lawyer in XOW's state before delivery and he said no matter what agreements were made before the birth, it could all be contested and changed after the birth. Check your state first, but I think you may as well wait until birth and DNA results for agreement(s), then make sure you are covering the minimum ch-support required by law. We were able to do all this without a lawyer for either party, using the central ch-support system in her state. There are also laws re: basic visitation rights (if you want those), such that unless one party wants to contest either the ch-support or visitation, there is no reason to use a lawyer. Again, your state laws may differ.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny

Hello there...I just would like to add...follow Jenny's advice and wait until the birth of oc. Then get a dna and then deal with cs and whatnot. There is already too much stress in your life to worry about legalitys until oc is born.<BR>Focus on yourself and YOUR family.<BR>God Bless...

Jenny is absolutely right. The law in most states will allow challenges after the birth of the child. As hard as it is to sit by and wait, that is the best thing to do at this time.<P>And, please, don't ever consider sharing anything else with the OW -- you've shared enough...<P>I know how you feel about the OW having a boy. So many of our dreams and desires go out the window with the OW/OC situation. It is so unfair that we did not get a vote or a choice. Try not to focus on that right now. Take comfort in the fact that, regardless of what child she has, there is no replacement for the warmth of a family.<P>Your daughter will experience a quality of life by having two parents at home that the OC will never have. A son that you see from time to time will never be as close to your H's heart as a daughter he tucks in at night and kisses first thing every morning. Our kids are still the luckier ones -- don't forget that.<P>God bless you and give you strength to get through this.<P>- Heavenly

Thank you all so much. Heavenlybody26 you are right about the experience of a family. It's something I cherish and an a memory that will last a lifetime. My H is at home with my D during the morning and he wakes up with her every day. Something I don't think he'd give up for the world.<P>OK, I know I've asked enough questions. What if OW says she doesn't want to wait and threatens to sue? And are we required to provide documentation (i.e. paystubs, mortgage payments, etc) before the baby is born? If so that means we will need to retain a laywer. Something we do want to avoid if possible for financial reasons. Thoughts again everyone? Sorry I keep bringing this back up. I'm a rookie.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

LSM...sue you for what? She cant collect cs on a child that is not born yet. Your H doesnt not have to support her through her pregnancy. Has she threatened this?<BR>Take a deep breath honey or whatever you do to relax...try not to let this hussy get you so worked up. It will all work out. you will see...you have plenty of others on your side. We are behind you.<BR>God Bless....