I talked to H about OC and how he really feels about the situation. He said that he wished the OW would move back to California. <P>Family members have been urging him to "do the right thing" by this C. I even said it myself but lately, the more I think about it, I don't want him to! <P>The OW even told him that he didn't have to come around the C-that she would raise him on her own-I don't know if she really meant it, or she was just pissed that her fantasy story didn't end the way she wanted it to.<P>On one hand, I sense he'd like to just ignore both of them, but on the other hand, I sense he would feel some guilt for not being there for the C-especially since he grew up without a father himself.<P>He said he would accept his responsibility for the C only because he felt he HAD TO, not because HE WANTED TO.<P>In the event he decides to "step up to the plate" where the C is concerned, how do I handle that? (P.S, OW lives in a different city about 45 miles away). What kind of restrictions do we put in place so that the OW doesn't disrupt our lives constantly?<P>And is it wrong if he decides to deny any responsibility for the C?<P>This situation SUCKS!!!!! (Sorry, I had to vent)

Amiya:<P>Once upon a time, I asked the same question you are asking now. I went to see a priest that was in charge of Retrouvaille, a program of recovery for troubled marriages.<P>He told me that my husband's only responsibility was to me and to our marriage. That our marraige was the foundation, the bedrock of our lives.<P>I asked about his/our responsibility to the OC and the priest told me that the OW made this decision to keep a child she could not afford and kept a child she knew would not have a father and therefore, his only responsibility was financial; that we were not required to make this child part of our lives, especially if the child's presence would hurt or disrupt the marriage in any way; because, the marriage always, always, always comes first.<P>Stay strong. Don't let the misplaced guilt play games with your head and your heart...that goes for your spouse, too...and those well-meaning family memebers shooting off their mouths about what they think you should do...can just keep their opinions to themselves and mind their own business. They have no idea of the depth of the pain and heart ache and disruption you have to face...I hate how these bleeding hearts never consider the tragedy of the innocent betrayed spouse and the impact of this life altering event has on them.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear Amiya<P>You can read the threads started by Matthew 6:14,15 recently and one by Happy-girl in August something like "Guilty , guilty...OC".<P>I am very sorry for your pain and emotional trauma. Get to a church and pastor and rebuild your life. Also ask your WS to be fully repentant so that you can be reassured that he knows the horrific hurts he caused you.<P>At this stage, many of us are either given or we bought books to devour on As, etc. I am reading "forgive and forget - healing the hurts we do not deserve" By Lewis B. Smedes. <P>NSR has a book list in one of the threads, maybe under "Just Found Out" and "General Questions". You can go under these topics and click FIND and type in NSR, and BOOKS.<P>I need to run, my baby's up.<P>Love<BR>weep

amiya,<P>you have already got some great advice but i thought i would add my 2 cents. <P>i too have struggled with this. but i have come to peace with our decision. my H did not want this child, and he doesn't want a relationship with her. the OW chose to have a child without a father. she knew my H was a married man, yet went after him anyway. she chose to keep this child instead of giving it up to a 2 parent family, so it is her burden. our marriage is first and this child would most likely ruin our chances to keep our marriage. <P>i tried to push my H into seeing the OC when we first learned about it. but he refused. we have put off having children for good reasons and he did not want or plan on this child. she on the other hand planned on getting pregnant, wanted to be a mother, or so she said. a priest also told me that our moral responsibility was to financially support child, but nothing more if we were unable. our marriage is first.<P>whatever you decide, know that you have our support here. many do have a relationship with OC and many don't. it is a decision it think must be made as a couple.<P>take care. and my prayers are with you.<P>happy_girl

Amiya,<P>You've already gotten great advise and I totally concur. My H does NOT want anything to do with OC/OW, and that is more than just fine with me. We have not told his family (mother, granny, siblings...etc) about this mess because they, too, would want H to "do the right thing...". Well, as far as we're concerned, he IS doing the right thing...he'll have to pay child support. The other right thing is putting our marriage first. The ow in my H case was also married and already had 1 child. She also knew that my H was married. It was her choice to keep this oc knowing full well that this child would not have a father. It's her choice....her decision. It certainly was NEVER mine. I agree with Catnip about the "misplaced guilt". Good Lord, that's the last thing I need throughout all this stuff going on is "guilt". Why should I feel guilty about OC? I shouldn't and I don't. I have asked and continue to ask God to bring peace to my heart about my feelings about OC...and He's answering my prayers. You have enough to contend with just trying to keep your marriage together. Kick the guilt to the curb and focus on what's important, YOUR FAMILY.<P>Comfort

The advice you've gotten is great. It is critical that you and your H come to a mutual agreement on this one, no matter what the decision.<P>Those that go the no-contact w/OC route should be forwarned that sometimes the child him/herself choses to contact your family when they get older and you should have a plan for that. Some of my first cousins were contacted by a girl from the next town when they were in high school because she knew she had been fathered by their dad and was curious for information. It was the first they had heard of her; my uncle had paid ch-support but no contact. Not how I want my children to find out!<P>Just to share another point of view, we are too long distance to have OC visit at this point, but my H and I send (addressed to OC) gifts for holidays and a card once/week. Everything is sealed by me so that there are no secrets. I spelled out the contact boundaries clearly to the XOW. I am able, in my mind and heart, to separate the child from her mother. If she wishes to know her father she is welcome to visit when she can do so without her mother. There will be NO contact between XOW and my H; the W should be the contact. Perhaps because I met 2 young women who were products of adultery before this happened to me, and heard them, I am able to have compassion for the child's point of view despite having no forgiveness for XOW.. <P>Gotta run.<BR>Good luck!<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited September 24, 2000).]

Amiya,<P>As the others have said, everyone takes a different road on the issue of contact with the OC. Right now, I am not having contact with the OC, but my H was sneaking behind my back to see her because of his feelings of guilt.<P>There are still some days when I feel guilty about the OC and I ask God to show me what is right for my family. But, I know my own personal limitations and having a relationship with the OC would keep the feelings about betrayal and the OW clear in my mind every day. I simply feel that I am not strong enough to endure that and it would be the end of my marriage.<P>Jenny is absolutely right about how your own children may find out. My H's family knows the OW (she was a friend of his sister) and they also tried to encourage him to do the right thing. They included the OW in family events and placed a photo of the OC on the mantle with the other "nieces and grandchildren". Well, that little stunt ended our relationship with them completely.<P>I do not want them anywhere near my children and my kids have lost their entire extended family on their dad's side. <P>But, worst of all, my H has two grown children from a previous marriage. The "well-meaning" relatives invited the OW and OC to a family event so that they could meet my H's kids! Since they are products of divorce, they were already insecure about their father having a new family. This OC practically sent them into therapy!<P>So, you do have to be careful about who knows and how far they will go to enforce their own psychotic beliefs about how family is supposed to behave. <P>- Heavenly

amiya,<P>Like catnip I went to my pastor and he told me that our only responsibility was the child support. That our marriage was to be first along with our family. I understand where at some point I should feel sorry for the OC not having a father figure. But I also don't see how I should have to make everything better after what the OW did. That OW is going to have to answer that child. To tell a child that she has no father figure because her mother slept with a married man, should end a lot of the questions. To have to tell that child that she did that knowing that there was a family that was going to be hurt. The only problem the arises is who is raising this child. Most children as young adults could understand how destructive these actions are and the shame that is brought about. But a child that is raised by a woman who seems to not have many morals can be scary. I do think that can change if the woman changes. Everyone can make changes for the positive, and I would think that a child would be the best motivation. But some women are not thinking of the child. These women make their choices, living with them, or moving beyond them is their choice, not mine. <P>Even though I feel sorry. I cannot be the corrective force when the pain was directed at myself and my child. The guilt is stronger in the beginning, just like the anger and pain. The others are right, there is a very big chance that the child will come knocking on the door later in life, but that doesn't mean that it will have to destroy your life. As long as your children know the truth, then the family can face that day together. Keep your chin up.<P>babstr.

Heavenly, though I've heard it before, I'm once again shocked that extended family could be so hurtful! Whether an OC is included in "the family" should depend on how the married couple wants to handle it; and the XOW should NEVER be included!!! This is the second(!) time I've heard of grandparents losing their children (and legit. grandkids) over this issue. Incredible. How could they? Thank God my in-laws don't do that. In fact, even after we gave my m-i-l permission to send gifts to OC, she has chosen to completely stay out of the situation.<P>May God bless and guide us all...<BR>Jenny

Thanks again ladies for shedding some light on this situation. It's really hard at this point to say where this whole situation will lead us, he's confused about the matter at this time and so am I (another day in the life of "As the Stomach Turns" I suppose).<P>Hey, is there a Forum for the H to spill his guts and get some insight on this? I myself know it's hard to talk to friends and family who just give 'opinions' based on their feelings rather than hearing from people who share the same experience. <P>Despite all the troubles we're all having, I HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY LADIES-GOD BLESS!!!

Amiya:<P>Your husband can come here and post on General Questions. There are lots of Betrayers there who he can identify with and get help from.<P>It's important for him to understand he has absolutely no responsibility to this child except for financial assistance. It can end there. And your marriage can focus on healing and you can move on together as a couple.<P>Catnip =^^=