Hello everyone. Well, I guess you all know i'm here for the same reason as all of you. I can't believe how lucky I was to find this website. I've spent the last couple of days just reading all of the posts. I actually thought I was one of a handful of burnt W's!! I thank God for this website to pour out my feelings. I've have cried for all of your heartaches as I read each post. Believe me my thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you. <P>I found out this past June of my H's OW. She sent me an anonymous letter saying she was having my H's baby!! I'm sure you all know how I must've felt! All the emotions...hate, guilt(what did I do that made him turn to another W?) misery, suicide, etc. Well, My H admitted it all, we cried together. He said he was so sorry for the hurt and pain he had caused, and wants to stay married. One day I want to hold him and comfort us both, and other days I want to stab him and the OW!! <P>I'm sure you all know the feeling! Her baby is due in December (some x-mas present, huh?) and lately I just can't even imagine what's going to happen. She keeps calling both of us, but when I answer the phone she hangs up. My H has told her time and again he wants no part of her or the OC. As far as he's concerned he only has 2 children; ours! (a son, 19 yrs. and a daughter 13; both of whom we adore and cherish and thank God for) They have been my salvation through all of this.<P>I love my husband desperately, but I don't know if I could live through this OW & OC. Oh, by the way, did I mention she lives up the street from us? Talk about a kick in the head! Anyway, I just don't know if I can fight any longer. Some days I will do anything to protect what I have worked 21 years for and other days I just want to lay down, go to sleep and never wake up. Very depressing. I must be one of the most naive women in the world! How could I have been so blind? No, actually I just never thought other people could be so cruel. The OW said she was keeping the baby because it was "a gift from God". That's all well and good, but what about the two abortions she had when she was married......2 marriages! My H says her friends told him she had this all planned and she was going to get pregnant because he was calling things off. It just wasn't worth the aggravation and guilt he was feeling. (We had been going through some financial as well as emotional problems with our son at the time he said he started affair) I guess I devoted my time and energy to our daughter to deal with the problems and he turned to her. I know I am not perfect, but I feel that I am always PICKING UP THE PIECES!!!! We were just coming to the end of some financial situation, and I was beginning to think there was a light at the end of the tunnel.....and then WHAM! right between the eyes! She has said she would make my H pay, even though he told her he would never leave us, I'm still scared and confused. Do I want him to leave? I don't know. So much of my self esteem has been deflated. A part of me says how can I stay after the total lack of respect he showed for me, (he was with HER for past two New Years Eve!!! Said he went to play in golf tourney in south!) That has to be the one thing that hurts to most. He CHOSE her to share those two nights with, not his family! I don't know how I can ever trust or believe him again. <P>Anyway,sorry to go on and on but it sure felt good to get it out! Thank you all for any support you can give. God Bless. You are all such strong women, I hope I can be just as strong through this difficult time. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.<P>P.S. Any input on CS in the state of Virginia would help. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE THIS OW/OC A DIME!!!!!<BR>Thank you and God Bless

Surreal,<P>First of all the bad news. You will have to pay child support. My h had a one night stand over three years ago. He didn't tell me, and it wasn't until Feb 9 of this year that she decided to go for the child support. The bottom line, if the sperm was your husbands, than he has to pay. We are having to move and completely change our lives because we can't afford the child support. The court doesn't care that we can't feed our daughter or that we can't pay our bills. I don't know what the law is in Virginia, but you do need to do some research and talk to a lawyer before this child is born. The best defense is to try and be prepared. The biggest concern should be whether or not your income is included in the percentage. If you can believe that some states actually make the wife pay for the husband's mistake. In Illinois the percentage is 20% of my husband's take home income. Of course no child in this world costs 20% of a person's income per month, but that doesn't seem to matter either. If you work, and your income is included you could look at options like what catnip is doing. She is getting a divorce so that they can protect her. Her husband is going to put their home and business in her name. Now I know that sounds rather harsh, but like catnip no one will know that they are legally divorced. <P>I know that you are on the roller coaster from hell. You do have some advantages in the fact that your husband does want to work on your marriage, and he doesn't want contact with the OW/OC. You will go through the back and forth feelings for a long time. I am going into my eighth month and from my husband's actions I have been able to let go of some of my anger. I still have a lot of anger towards the OW. This is the second time she has got pregnant for the money by an officer. She also works with him now. I would get your phone number changed and make sure it is unlisted, she is harrassing you by calling all the time. If she doesn't stop look into legal action. Make sure to document everything! Changing your phone number should stop the calls. Living down the street from her makes it difficult. I know you have every evil thought possible, you wouldn't imagine what I have thought of, although I have never acted anything out. Come here and write and get it out of your system. We are all here for you to lean on. I hope that I have helped to answer some of your questions. You can survive this, please seek some professional counseling. You can make it, your children do need you. I know it feels hopeless, but we all here and we will help you through it. Take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.<P>babstr.

Surreal,<BR>Today is one of my low days as well and my heart goes out to you I continually ask myself why did this have to happen? It is a useless question because the answer is s^&T happens! The only thing we can do Surreal is take this one day at a time and to trust that we will move past this. <BR>This rollercoaster of feelings is perfectly normal, one day you want help them through this mess and the very next moment you want to shoot them for all that they have caused. This experience is heartwrenching, draining and downright awful but it has taught me that I am one strong woman, and it has strengthened my bond with the Lord. Not to mention it has brought me here, to a wonderful place where women who don't know each other are here to provide all with support, love and strength. It is amazing and absolutely terrific. Surreal today you and I are having bad days and that is okay just hold on to the belief that we will get through this and I promise you this won't always be as painful. God bless you

Surreal:<P>If you get a faux divorce, and hurry to do this before the OC is born, the lion's share of child support will go to you and your two kids. In most states, the one who files for support first gets the most money, which can leave the OW/OC with significantly less.<P>See an attorney ASAP and explain the situation. Our divorce is just for show and to protect me....desperate actions call for desperate measures. We are forced to do this for a myriad of reasons, however, it is something everyone here should consider.<P>My husband is nervous about the divorce but is reluctantly willing to acquiesce in order to protect me from what he has done. He trusts me.<P>I know how you feel about the holiday thing. My husband turned his back on me and spent Thanksgiving with OW and that's when she conceived. I hate Thanksgiving and dread it. He also went to be with her at Christmas too, so the holiday thing is a painful time of year for me, too. I understand how you feel.<P>I also understand your rage and feelings of vengence. I smashed my husband's truck, flew out to NY to confront OW and almost shot my husband one day when he was particularly cruel and abusive...but then, I didn't want to end up like Betty Broderick.<P>I'm two years into this, so I'm telling you, things will get better, the pain and rage does subside, even if it never goes away, it does become less intrusive and debilitating in time. Hang in there and keep coming here before you make any lasting decsions. Read everything you can about Dr. Harley's prinicples which will explain in depth what you can do to get through this and how you can save your marriage. And remember, your marriage comes first, and your husband's only obligation is to you. He does not have to see or have anything to do with OW/OC ever...just the monthly support...nothing more.<P>How dare her to abort two children while married and then get knocked up by a married man and claim it to be a Gift from God...Puh-leeze. How incredibly selfish and evil. What a pig. Like Jenny alqways says, "It's the same selfishness that allows the OW to keep a child they can't afford, should not keep, that allowed them to get into bed with a married man." Keeping this so-called Gift from God will destroy your life as you knew it forever...these OW's change our lives forever with their selfishness, hurting so many; our children, our parents, our siblings...it's all so humiliating for us...and they do this knowing full well what their actions will do to us...and they just don't care. They do not care how we are impacted-forever.<P>The UNSELFISH thing to do at this point is to give it up for adoption and let everyone put this ugly epsiode behind them and move on...AND give the OC a loving two parent home with advantages. Stupid, ignorant, selfish sluts.<P>Catnip =^^=

Surreal,<P>I can't add a whole lot to what the other ladies have told you. Your H will definately have to pay CS if the dna says it's his. But I UNDERSTAND how you feel. My H has a court date for next month to determine the amount he'll have to pay. I didn't want him to pay one red cent, but I KNOW that was never going to happen. My H also does not want anything to do with OC/OW. I'm so happy. This may sound selfish to others, but it's how I feel and I am at peace with my decision. I just want closure and to move on. I understand (we all do) about the roller coaster feelings of love, anger, disappointment, numbness, etc... I still have good days and bad days. Sometimes my feelings change from hour to hour. But I KNOW things will get better and we can survive. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS. It's ok to feel all the emotions that you do. You're NOT crazy and you're NOT alone. We are all here to support you and help you get through this...we ALL understand because we've been there (still there). So, come and vent, cry, rage, shout and write about all the ugly things you'd like to do to the skank who slept with your H..and even the angry feelings you have H. It's all ok. We care and we're here for you. <P>Hugs<P><BR>Comfort

Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement!! You are my "gift from God". The more I read in the posts the more I realize that I'm not alone; and it helps. Thank you. <P>I think deep down I know that we will have to pay CS if it's proven to be my H's. It's just so spiteful of her to keep a child just to get revenge on my H for not wanting to see her anymore! Your right Comfort! What a slut!! (ohhh, that felt so good calling her that!) I feel like such a fool!! My H said that he couldn't stand it anymore because she would call me his "wifey-poo" and say things like "your wifey-poo and you think you are all that because you live in a big house on the hill" and "oh, I saw your wifey-poo driving her lexus today". What a $#^%!&!!!!! Hell, we've both worked very hard to get what we have and I don't want to give it to anyone, let alone HER!!! Damn her!! Why doesn't she get her own man and have a baby with him and let us alone!! It makes me so angry! Me and my H can not understand why a single 40 year-old woman would want to have a baby at her age and raise it by herself. (because that is exactly what my H told her!) I know she did it just for the money and for spite! But like all of you have said, they really gain nothing but heartache...not just for themselves but for our families too!! How low can people sink??!!! Do they not have any pride? My H says no. She was just a tramp, and he's told her so. She started SCREAMING at him. He says she is EXACTLY like the woman in "Fatal Attraction". Totally luney-toon. That worries me and I've told him if she comes near me or my children, I WILL blow her away. I don't care what happens to me I just will not have my family hurt! My H has told her he has put a restraining order on her. That seems to have kept her away. Put she still calls (privately, of course) but I know it's her because I do *69 and whenever the number is marked "private" I know it's her. I am going to get a block on any private numbers. I'm sure that will put a "bee in her bonnet". <P>Anyway, thanks for all your wonderful support and prayers. You are all in my thoughts and prayers also. God Bless. Hugs, too.

Hello Surreal, It is heart-breaking to me to return to this forum and find new names here every day. Perhaps someday forums like this will not be necessary, although I hold out no hope for that. In the meantime, we all have to face the ugly reality of our lives and circumstances and try to help each other get over each hurdle and get through each painful day.<BR> <BR>The roller coaster you refer to is all-too-familiar to all of us. I am nearly 2 years past DDay #1 and over 1 year past DDay #2, and I still take the ride every single day. As others have told you, some says the ride is long and bumpy, and other days it isn't as bad, but you still take that ride on a daily basis, so do whatever you can to be prepared emotinally.<P>My H and I are at the place in our lives when we could have retired from our careers in a very few years and traveled, taken other jobs that sound interesting without worrying about giving up needed income, or helped our grown children financially, etc. Instead, we have been "taken to the cleaners" by the selfish slut who saw this baby as her insurance policy to keep my H in her life. Because our CS and arrearge figure is so large, neither of us can retire early, as we had planned. In addition, if the child goes to college - as I'm sure she will and should-we'll made our last CS payment when we are 70 years old. <P>I have worked all my life. I was never a stay-at-home mom because we couldn't afford for me to be. Now, I get to keep working and support a 43 year old suburban princess who has NEVER worked and is obssessed w/my H. I have prayed that God would let me wake up one morning with such a disgust and revulsion for my H that I could walk away from this 26 year marriage and never look back. Frankly, I still pray for that, but I don't think God is going to have that happen. So here I stay, taking care of the little one every other weekend from Friday until Sunday night after putting in a 5 day work week. Since my H usually works on Saturdays, I have full responsibility for half her "visitation" time.<P>Personally, I think I'm foolish, and if I observed this in a woman 10 or more years younger, I'd say she was not only foolish, but stupid. Since I don't know much about your age and circumstance, I hesitate to comment, but I will anyway. <P>Think very carefully, Surreal. You WILL have to pay support bigtime. The laws, courts, and judges are ALL sympathetic to the mothers, even unwed mothers who became mothers as a result of adultery. Don't expect any understanding of your feelings or or your position as a betrayed spouse. The attitude of "if she was giving him what he wanted/needed at home, he wouldn't have wandered" is alive and well. Even though people may say "Poor thing? What a louse he was!" they may be thinking "She must really be a cold fish in bed!"<P>Consider what you can and cannot live with, and decide what to do accordingly. Then be prepared to reassess your decision as time passes. You know, there ARE limits to the promises you made on your wedding day. I said "for better or worse" not "for better or hell-on-earth." If I were early 40s or younger, I run, not walk, to the best divorce attorney in town.<P><p>[This message has been edited by anniem (edited September 25, 2000).]

Not much to add here, just sharing your pain. You're not alone! <P>And ditto the others re: CS. I would check into your state laws re: BACK child support and paternity. If XOW was not married and DNA shows it is your H's, you might be liable for all the back ch-support later even if you escape it for now. Of course, if your state doesn't go after back support... no need to pay before you have to.<P>The early months are a horrible trip to hell. I'm sorry you're here, but we'll support you all we can. It's a great board. <P>Jenny, past the 2 year mark--woohoo!

This is a question for Catnip:<P>First I want to thank you for all the encouraging words in your response and everyone else's on this website. It has been truly encouraging and sad at the same time. My heart goes out to everyone here. <P>My question to you catnip, though, is what is a "faux divorce". You mentioned this in your response and i've been trying to search through your past posts to see if you elaborated but couldn't find it. I'm hoping you could elaborate a little more so that i can research it here where i live. (have to be careful about what i say on here; never know who's "lurking"!)<P>Anyway, i'm hoping you see this and respond, if it's not too much trouble. Thanks again for your encouraging words. Seems like you're getting your act together, and I'm very proud of you. I'm sure everyone is gathering strength from you. I'm sure it's from all the heartfelt prayers that we've been sending each other. All my best to you and yours. Hang in there. God bless to everyone.

I think that what Catnip refers to as a "faux divorce" is not a legal term, but to getting a divorce for legal reasons only. This means she and her H are staying together, but have to divorce to keep her assets away from OW/OC.<P>I'm sure she'll be along to clarify.

Thanks Dazed...that's exactly what a 'faux' divorce is, Surreal. I've been away from the board today tackling other issues; just got here.<P>My husband and I are going to be legally divorced but no one in our family or our friends will know about it. It is only to protect me. We will continue to go on as we are; living together and being 'married'. In fact, after we have been divorced for 90 days, we will sign a pre-nup agreement stating that what is mine stays mine, and then we will remarry...providing he is sober, on medication, working a program of recovery and rubs my feet while we sit on the sofa watching TV.... <P>Surreal, it is just something we must do to protect what little we have left from the long arm of NY state. They don't believe us; they think we are hiding assets, they threaten to take my husband's DL license, his passport, garnish his wages and throw him in jail because we can't pay the $1500 a month they are mandating. They believe we have pots of money buried in our backyard and drink champagne and blow money at the casinos. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are incurring lots of legal fees just trying to protect ourselves. It's getting insane. <P>My husband can go to NY armed with our divorce papers, our bankruptcy papers, our tax returns, his paycheck stubs and say, "See, we weren't lying. This is all I have and we are no longer married. Reduce the exhorbitant monthly amount to something fair and reasonable and adjust the arrears."<P>Catnip =^^=