Thanks, Duranie. I truly appreciate your support on this. <BR>I never would have sued her if she wouldn't have hit me with the phony OFP...it kind of sent me over the edge. I am so laid back that people are always surprised when they cross me. I know she will be stunned and absolutely loose it when she is served with papers.<P>For some reason, it gives me little pleasure, probably because I am so heartsick this all happened at all and all this puts me through so much angst. <P>But, Duranie, she isn't like you. She is so completely soul-less and callous, it's scary. She WANTED to hurt me, she WANTED my husband, and she didn't care who got hurt as long as she got what she wanted. As a result, I will never be the same and I will always feel this profound heartbreak. I don't feel the same about my husband and never will again. It's so sad. I was so completely and deeply in love with him. While I still love him, I don't really trust him or feel safe or protected anymore. <BR>I am just so disappointed that this happened and ruined all our dreams and all our closeness and exclusivity. I never was good at sharing, I guess I never will be.<P>I know how ill my husband is, and for that reason I stay, because I truly believe he never would have done this if he wouldn't have started drinking again. But, I don't feel the gratitude and joy anymore like I did. <BR>Everyday for 18 years was wonderful to me, regardless of outside problems or sadnesses...they were managable and easy to take because we had each other, and no one else. That is gone forever...it's all been spoiled.<P>I am in a horrible place tonight and shouldn't even post because I am so blue about all this. I look at my husband and wonder how he could do these things and then try to remember how sick he is and try to overlook it. He is in such pain, too, my heart goes out to him. I have a lot of empathy for him but I find myself so caught up in the pain the last couple days. It had been gone for a while. I guess it's a cyclical thing and not to panic or react to it right now and hope it passes. All these terrible things happening to us is starting to effect me a little.<P>I just miss him so much, the way he was, we were and what we had. If only I could explain what it was like, but probably no one would believe me that it was that special.<P>Duranie, if I would have called you the first week and told you my husband and I were together, but he was sick and begged you not to see him again, you wouldn't have continued...I know you wouldn't have. Why did she go ahead and continue? Why didn't she care how deeply I loved him and how much he meant to me? Why did she think I meant nothing and was so disposable? How could she do these evil horrible things, knowing what she knew? I told her that first week yet she continued.<P>I guess there are a lot of people out there that think spouses and marriages are disposable. She told my husband when he said he worried about how divorcing me would effect me. Her response was, "She'll get over it." No, no I won't. I would have never gotten over it. Then he told her he stopped the divorce and he was going home to me. Her response was, "It will never work. If you go back to her, everything will be fine at first, but there will be too much damage and you'll end up divorced."<P>That kind of inspires me to stay and work things out. However, when she finds out we actually are divorced, she will probably dance in the streets...then get angry he didn't stay with her. I wonder if she will expect him back on her doorstep not realizing this is all for show.<P>My Grandafather who died last December knew everything that was going on. We were extremely close. He told me a few months before he died, "You know, don't you, that nothing will ever be the same again." I remeber at the time thinking 'oh yes it will' because I was so blissed out he was home and we wee connecting and recommiting...I didn't expect all these negative feelings popping up so late in the game. I must be shell-shocked or suffering from Post Traumatic Stress or something.<P>I am rambling, Duranie, and dumping on you. I am sorry. You've been so kind to everyone here and your empathy and genuine decency is such an inspiration to all of us. Thanks for caring so much. Your presence is a healing presence for so many reasons. We all know what you are going through yourself with all your painful issues and all the challenges you face with the twins and your health, yet you don't whine or complain, just give the facts and take your share of the responsibility. You're pretty special. I am glad you didn't leave us. You're part of our group, you know.<P>Catnip =^^=
