I hate the OW! I know it is wrong to hate someone and that it is just as bad as murder (something i think of often) but i can't seem to let it go. I keep praying that God will take the anger and hate but i just can't let Him.<BR>My story is this...<BR>In april of 95 my H had a one time affair with my BF.<BR>She wrote to me in august of 95 to tell me. I decided to stay and try to work on my marriage. We were living on the other side of the US and i didn't have to deal with her. then we moved about 5 hrs from her (and both of our families) I decided to try and forgive her and have a relationship with her.<BR>She was sorry and wanted to try. That was late in 97. We saw each other 4or5 times a year and were getting close again. She and my H both said it was over and nothing would ever happen again. In march of 2000 i found out, via a paternity suit she filed, that they had been together one more time in april of 99. The kid is his and we are paying CS but have no contact.<BR>Anyway i just can't seem to find a way to forgive her. she has shown NO remorse. I just don't know how i could have been so weak as to allow her back into our lives. I totally forgave and trusted her and she stabbed me in the back and laughed in my face. Now we have to pay her for her services, for 18 years. I just can't think of it as money for the OC. I keep seeing her in her BMW talking on her cell phone. I get so angry.......<BR>Thank you for allowing me to vent. I love this place. You all are so understanding i don't know what i would do without you.<BR>

You need to make sure there is ZERO contact with the OW and your H. The fact that this person was your best friend and the fact that you trusted her makes this betrayal even worse. You have every right to be angry but, it is going to do YOU more harm than HER. Let go of the anger and live your life. The best revenge is living well. Show her that you are better than her. BTW, if she is driving a BMW, you should not be paying that much CS. Make sure it is a fair amount (I know fair and CS in the same sentance....)Also, talk to your H as well. Tell him that you wand and NEED him to have ZERO contact with the OW if he wants YOUR marriage to work! I am not trying to sound mean, but, he is also to blame here as well.Make him own up to his responsibilty in this mess and make him work at regaining your trust. Good luck and try to get rid of some of the violent thoughts. They are not doing YOU any good..Take care....<BR>

Duranie,<BR>The CS is set by the state and there is no way to get it reduced. we talked to some lawyers and my mother (she works for the state CS service) we only pay $191 per month plus back support but i hate it none the less.<BR>there is no contact between my H and the OW.<BR>He is in counseling and has made a total commitment to our family and marriage.<BR>I know in my mind that the hate is only hurting me, but i have a hard time telling my heart that.<BR>Part of my anger is at myself that i "let" this happen again. So many emotions so much hurt.<P>

WHOA!! Wait a minute there. You did not "let"<BR>this happen! Don't take responsibility for 2 grown adults doing this. You had NOTHING to do with this. You trusted 2 people that SHOULD have been trustworthy and honorable to you. You have every right to be angry. I am not telling you to be angry. I am just saying that your anger is not doing you any good and it is certainly not affecting the OW. WHat I am saying is that you would be better off directing that anger into something "constructive". Make your presense known. Show the OW that you are rising above her. That is the ultimate "revenge". Just don't EVER, EVER, EVER, take responsibility for this. The only one responsible are the two people who did the "deed", O.k.? Please take care of yourself!!!! SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>Also, if it helps, look at the C.S. as a bill and nothing more. Try to "depersonalize" it for YOUR benefit....I am glad your H and you are in counseling and the marriage is being solidfied. That is wonderful news. Keep looking at positives. You will probably have a stronger marriage as a result (another way to show the OW that you are "rising above this"!) Take care!!!<P>

I don't even want to type your name because I don't think you were a fool. You were just very trusting and forgiving. Unfortunately this is a cruel world we live in and trusting and forgiving people are often hurt. I'm sorry for your pain. I KNOW how you feel. The anger, the hurt, the bad and violent thoughts. I've had them all, too. I still do. I wish I could run the slut over with my car if I saw her. I want to gauge out her eyes and slap her so hard across the face that she pees on herself. Those are my feelings on a "bad" day, which I'm happy to say are getting fewer and further between. On a "good" day, I TOTALLY focus on all that's right and good in my life. I give thanks to God for all the blessings, big and small, that he bestows upon me and those I love. I give thanks that He has put it in my heart to continue to stay with my H and work things out, I give thanks that God has given me the resiliency, something I've had to count on many times before. I focus on how lucky and blessed I am that my children are healthy and have a decent home and food to eat and that my H and I are both gainfully employed and able to provide. I focus on the many good things in my life and I'm able to move on...one day at a time. I say all this to say that I KNOW how you feel. But IT WILL PASS. You'll have more good days than bad. I allowed myself and still do, to feel the good AND the bad...and not feel guilty about either. I agree with Duranie, everyday try to let a little of the anger go or WILL eat you up! Focus on all that IS RIGHT in your life. God bless you.\<P>Comfort<P>

Hi dear,<P>Anger and hatred and bitterness and jealousy are my specialty after the full impact of my WS's A hit me. I had been through much in life but had always been an eternal optimist because I constantly feel so blessed; even my enemies are often compelled to come and apologise to me when they mature .<P>We more or less go through this process when we discover WS's A: shock, denial, hurt, grieve (loss of spouse through A), anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, forgiving, healing, restoration and rebuilding (of complete self, and in some cases, marriage).<P>Many of us are stuck at the adultery tormentors longest (anger, anxiety, doubt, hatred, mistrust, etc.). Because I am (really) a very kind softie, I never took revenge. But I did feel so pained, and prayed so hard to God for answers and to make my spouse be a better H and father to our baby. I was blessed that God provided many supportive people to help us through this horrific mess. Church pastors, elders, family and friends all made a beeline to our home and I began to come to some grips with violence.<P>I literally lost my ability to worship God because of anger and hatred for my WS and banshee. I asked God to understand my failings but was still very tormented. A recent healing ministry I attended helped release from me the emotional trauma that had made a captive of me. I returned home to feel that the hate and anger in me were not there. Of course there are still issues within the marriage I had to deal with, and we are trying to read the word more.<P>Forgiveness is not a one off thing. The bible states that you forgive your brother seven by seventy times which is an analogy that because we are only human we need to keep making a choice to forgive a person that one sin hundreds of times. That is akin to applying antiseptic to your sores every so often. You don't leave the skin to close over the wound and pretend that nothing is hurting only to find a huge pus erupting out of the wound months later.<P>You have your right to mourn the devastation, and be angry with your H and the BF from hell. My pastor and us prayed for swift justice to be meted out to the banshee (she was really evil and I think the devil herself. She was like demon-possessed and wanted to kill baby and harm me. She knived WS in public and landed in jail for some time). I didn't have to forgive a demon. <P>You, like many of us, have salt rubbed in our wounds when we see that the OWs are living life with a smirk to their faces, keeping others hostage to their evil deeds. THAT IS WHERE THEY WANT US. We have to rise above the situation, shine for our parents, our selves, our children, and God. <P>The ugly truth is that there are witches and evil people praying for the breakdown of Christian marraiges. THere are some who worship the devil for worldly gains. But God is merciful, if you ask Him for help, he will give you the grace to overcome.<P>Forgiving is to heal yourself, not that you are embracing your WS back into your life. You would need agape love and treat and see him as a friend or father to your children for some time.<P>I understand where you are coming from when you blame yourself for second time A. Itreally is easily to have something concrete to fall back on so that you can 'fix' something, and in your case, you can fix the problem by not letting H and OW be on talking terms. But understand that many times, there is nothing wrong with you and the marriage when your H has an affair. Often, it is that the OW is served up on a platter and the men are too weak to run away.<P>The $$ your H has to pay will be a reminder of his foolishness and that could be seen as a reminder for him not to stray again.<P>As for BF from hell, you don't have to compete with her. When she sees you have the zest of life, a spring in your steps, a lovely nice haircut and a trim figure, out and about doing stuff for yourself, she is confused. I don't know about your situation, but I demanded 50% of my H cash savings, holidays, etc..., you may be able to get your H to give you several times what he gives the b***h so you can out the money in a policy or fund for yourself. That may make you feel better?<P>

1----,<P>see, none of us think you are a fool. think up a nice new handle...<P>i too feel like you do. i can't let go the anger and hate i feel toward OW. she is probably a nice person in general, but she is also a slut. excuse my language. she has had no remorse about what she has done, never even asked my H how this affected me or our marriage. of course, she didn't get what she really wanted, which was my H. so i am the lucky one. but she did have his first child, which kills me. though he says ours are the only ones that will matter to him. because they will be created out of a love and a committment, not some 5 minute sex act.<P>your pain though is doubled because this woman was your best friend. my heart goes out to you. i can't even imagine what that is like. it is bad enough for me and i only met her once way before the affair. so you have a double betrayal, your H and your friend. i think i would hate OW even more had she been a friend. in fact i know i would because a friend of mine in h.s. went after my long time boyfriend and we broke up and he went with her. and i still hate her, hate her name and cringe whenever i think of her or her name. <P>so, i think what you are feeling is normal. it is a way of coping. i think you can forgive and still have those thoughts. i know i am probably wrong, but feelings are hard to control. i try so hard to keep her out of my head, but it is difficult sometimes to do that. i try to think, you know, she doesn't give you have or even a quarter percent of the time you give her, so stop it. she would just love to know she consumes my thoughts sometimes. it would make her feel oh so powerful. since she has no remorse it would probably even make her happy. so don't give her that satisfaction.<P>your H chose you. he is showing you his committment to the family and to your marriage. and you can get thru this. we are always here. somedays, slower than others, but eventually we come around.<P>take care and talk to ya later.<P>happy_girl

Dear #1...I know all too well how you feel. I wanted to hate ow and yet I felt as i fId be sinning if I did, so it was like (still is sometimes) I have these thoughts and immediately Id be trying to push then out of my head. Like God wouldnt catch it or something...lol.<BR>I try to keep her out of my head as much as possible and I try not to be obsessive about her. You know what I can not stand though...I have no idea what this hussy looks like. I have seen pictures of her children but not her and for soem reason that really bugs the you know what out of me. Is that wierd? Anyone else have that obsession?<BR>Anyway sorry to go off on my little tantrum...what you are feeling is so perfectly normal and I can not imagine if it were my bf. May God give you the patience and strenghth you need right now...Ill be praying for you.<BR>God Bless...

1,<BR>I been there and feel that! Some very good advice that I've gotten repeatedly is "don't give her that much power over your life" because the hate and thinking about her only hurts yourself, not her. At the same time, I forgive myself for the times I do obsess about XOW. Surely God understands our human weaknesses in the worst of times (and Lord knows these are among the worst!). I too was betrayed by a "friend", who continued to pretend to be my friend right through most of her pregnancy with H's child. I did not think another woman could be so low... I feel foolish too but don't call yourself a fool. Try to give yourself all the tenderness a mother gives her hurt child, for we are all children of God. I try to leave the XOW and everything about her in God's hands, but I cannot forgive her as some suggest. I have also heard to pray for one's enemy is healing, but I also find that difficult to do.<P>No clear answers. You are not alone. <BR>Jenny

Dear #1,<P>I join the others in saying that you have absoutely nothing to be ashamed about. Trust is the main component of friendship. You were being a good friend and a good wife. Your H and ex-BF should be unable to life their eyes to meet yours. <P>Betrayal is bad enough but for a H to betray his W with a person she completely trusts and welcomes into her home -- that is a double crime.<P>I know how you feel because I also hate the OW in my life. But oddly enough my hatred of her over the years has served to keep the issue fresher in my marriage than it would have been if I stopped giving her the time of day. <P>You know what they say -- bad publicity is still publicity -- that's the way it is with an OW. If you put her in her proper place and stop making her the focus of your life, it will be much easier for you and your H to move forward. She has already hurt you so please stop hurting yourself now.<P>I know how hard it is not to keep thinking about the situation over and over again. But there will come a time when the happiness in your life will push out the unhappiness and you will be able to smell the flowers without seeing the thorns.<P>Just take it one step at a time. Stop beating yourself up. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. <P>Take care of you and may God bless you.<P>- Heavenly<P>