Having read some of the posts, I wonder "Do we ever really move on?" My case in point, my H has an OC who lives in another state. She is now 6 years old and he has never seen her or sent her anything to acknowledge her existence except for child support. Now I am sure that one day she will want to meet her father and maybe her siblings who at this time know nothing about her. Except for one, they are all older than she is.<BR> But my question is knowing that she is there and has never been openly dealt with, isn't this a "bomb" waiting to go off in our faces. A situation that could rock the world of our children regardless of how old they are. My H believes that the older they are the better they will be able to deal with this situation. <BR> Any thoughts here? Let me know I am<BR>Texasgirl

Texas,<P>We haven't told our children yet about my H OC and we don't plan to any time in the near future. ESPECIALLY since this OC will NOT be a part of our lives. My oldest daughter is almost 18 and would surely understand more easily than my younger daughter, almost 11. We know that one day this "bomb" may explode. But we'll cross that bridge when/if it happens. There are worse things that could happen. Hell, this is pretty bad already, but it could be worse. Unfortunately, children grow up without a father all the time. That was the choice this OW made when she decided to have this child. She KNEW that the OC father was married and would not be a father to this child. I agree with your H...protect YOUR children at any cost. YOU didn't ask for the OC to be born. We (wives) were not in the cheap hotel/motel rooms when these children were conceived and never consented to be "mothers" to them. I also agree with your H that the older the children are, the better they may be able to understand the human frailties of their parents. I just don't want to put my children through anymore chaos then they've already witnessed from the fallout of me having to find this out and relive it again. They don't deserve it. Good luck to you.<P>Comfort

My friend was 20 and his brother 13 when they opened the door to a woman with a 7 year old child. The OW said blatantly that this is your sister and I am your father's mistress. My friend screamed that he has no such sibling and slammed the door shut in their faces.<P>THe WS had to later confess that he had OW for years. My friend packed his bag to go study overseas, his twin sister went overseas to stay with an aunt for some years, leaving the younget boy who hadn't formed much of an opinion on right or wrong - he saw little wrong in the concept of two women? So he was less critical of his father and could stay in the same house. The wife went berserk and renovated the whole house in a trend that she had always wanted but which WS had always disliked.<P>Knowing there is an Oc out there will be a great shock to your children, and they will stop heroworshipping their father, especially when they are older and understand the immoral deed it was. He would have lost all moral authority in their eyes.<P>I feel that it is best if the OW and OC do not have your address so that they cannot locate you at will.

Texasgirl,<P>I struggle with this question constantly because my children do not know about the OC. Like Weep said, I believe that sooner or later they will find out. And my biggest fear is that it will destroy THEIR image of their dad.<P>Right now, my H is a loving and giving father. He will do and does anything for our children. In their eyes, he is wonderful in every way. I hate to see that bond ruined because of his OC mistake.<P>I would like to tell them now because of the fact that they are less judgmental at a younger age. I feel that if they grow up with the knowledge that there is an OC but they see that their father is still loving towards them, they can fully understand that the OC does not take anything away from them or their relationship with their dad.<P>Sadly, because of the state of the world, children are much more open about different types of families and situations. In school, all the other children do not come from perfect homes - they have friends from blended families who talk about half-siblings and step-parents, etc. So, I don't think the concept would be as upsetting at an earlier age.<P>Once they are older and they understand about relationships and fully know what the OC represents, then it will be much harder for them to accept -- not only the OC, but also the father -- like in Weep's story.<P>I am close to making a decision about what to do and I am asking God's guidance in making it. I pray for wisdom for us all.<P>- Heavenly

Dear Texasgirl and Heavenly,<P>I think if you want to let the children know when they are little, it may be a good idea to do it in a moralistic way. Because children cannot really tell the grey shades, they need to know the black and white, i.e., that there is an OC but that because the OW did a very bad thing, etc..<P>I am afraid that if they lump a loving and hero father with a OC and OW, they may get the wrong morals at an early age. They may think it is alright, mum survived it, everybody's honky dory.<P>I feel, I am just trying to see the best way, that the way it is revealed have to be done in a very grave manner. It could be revealed by a church pastor and all the family is present and the father has to ask for the forgiveness of God, the wife and the children. This will ingrain in the children's young minds that this is a shameful deed and not condoned by normal happy people, whether the MM, OW or OC. <P>On the other hand, if they were brought up with sound values, and are sheltered from the horrible truth, they can have a happier childhood.<P>You may like to consult a pastor or counsellor regarding this?<P>My best wishes to you<BR>weep<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited September 28, 2000).]