Something you said in one of your posts really caught my attention and since I am no tpatient enough to go searching through back posts I thought I would just write you <BR>How are yall dealing with oc?<BR>I can not let my H get off so easy bc he also wanted to keep this child. It wasnt just ow. He at first wanted her to get abortion which she claims she doesnt believe in and neither do I actually...but after I found out and all but begged them to consider adoption he wouldnt even really hear of it. Therefore I feel like he could have pushed for this child to have a better life with a good family, but he said it was his responsibility and he needed to take care of it. Now that he actually wants to be in our marraige he trys to forget he ever had an affair. So he has no contact at all. He isnt even paying cs at this time and it makes me sooooo angry. I feel like him giving just a little bit of "lets keep the child" attitude towards ow would have totally put out any thoughts of doing what would have been best for oc. So I feel it is his responsibility to take care of oc , but everything that has been done has been done by me. I am going off. How have you dealt with this situation?<BR>Thanks and God Bless...

bw,<BR>How nice to hear from you. I think each couple has to handle this in whatever way will work for them with mutual agreement between H and W. (No one knows each other like you do, despite any affair). I do not think there is any one perfect way to handle these incredibly difficult circumstances.<P>How we've handled it... Keep in mind we are long distance from the XOW/OC and plan to keep it that way. We have never seen the OC except in pictures. We send gifts 3 times/year and recently began sending a simple card once/week, all addressed to the OC and sealed by ME so that I see everything H writes/sends. We rarely write XOW; when we do it is by joint agreement, and we keep it short and to the point. Our plan is to keep communication open for the child's sake. We are open to OC visiting us if she wants without her mother (given the cost of airfare,etc. that won't be very often). We would also accept custody if anything happens to the mother or if it is ever proven that she is unfit(which is possible), but we are not seeking custody. There will never be solo contact between H and XOW. <P>Again, only you and your H know what you're capable of handling and whether you can inforce any arrangement with XOW re: OC. 'Our' XOW wanted something different (lots of angry mail in the beginning), but we made things clear and she seems to have accepted it.<P>Jenny--2 years into recovery-woo-hoo!

Jenny...the way yall have handled it sounds like I would like to do it ...kind of a "happy medium" if there is such a thing in this situation. Our ow also lives on the other side of the country and what yall have done is how we started out but it was not good enough for ow.<BR>So now she gets nothing...which makes me feel bad for the oc since she is really the one being punished. Ow moved and decided not to give her forwarding address bc my H hasnt shown enough "interest". What exactly does she expect him to do?<BR>I really wish the stupid hussy could find this site and read some of these posts so she would know how good she had it. Ungrateful hussy! Uhhhh...sorry thanks for letting me vent.<BR>God Bless...

I'm concerned that if your H is not paying ch-support, XOW can find you later and...! OOOO, that back support HURTS! Protect yourself! Do you know what state she is in? Please check the laws there (if your H is not paying support), re: whether he can be hit with back support later. <P>As for contact w/OC, if your H is paying support, LEGALLY the XOW MUST allow whatever visitation guidelines the state has. (In court, the parent most willing to support the child having a relationship with both parents should get custody.) Now, having said that, if 'our' XOW chose to cut off all contact, my H would probably not pursue it legally. But my point is The XOW does NOT have all the power!!! And don't let 'em have it! The cowardly *itches!<P> That felt good <P>Sometimes I'm tempted to give XOW this site address for same reason you stated, but then it would probably ruin it for me, so why bother? Some humans are just not "evolved" enough to "get it". XOW was also very angry that my H hasn't done more, including no solo visit to her and OC... which just shows how beyond reality her thinking is. H didn't send OC anything at all until I got involved, and you know I won't get a 'thank you'.(HeHe) To me, it's about doing what I feel is "right" irregardless of others. (What the betrayers should have done in the first place!)<P>Keep your chin up, bw, and thanks for the support!

My H is supposed to be calling his lawyer to find out about what sh ecan do about back cs. She is in Arizona, btw...or at least was in AZ.<P>She had filed for support with all kinds of limitations on visitation and he, nor I, were not having those limitations. H got a lawyer and went for custody (not that we want it, but did it so hopefully he would end up with joint or at least have his rights without her holding all the cards. She got that reply and went before the judge and had the case dropped herself.<P>So I am not sure where that leaves us now...<P>Thanks for your help Jenny<BR>God Bless...<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited September 30, 2000).]

bw,<BR>For peace of mind, you should be able to find some basic state law about ch-support via internet, although of course the lawyer will have the FULL scoop. These OW blow me away with their strange ideas... I think it all comes back to self-centeredness, eh? I want-I want-I want... Never mind what is in anyone's interests but themselves. ACK!<P>Best wishes,<BR>J