Hi everyone,<P>I don't post very much because I am never quite sure what to say and how to share what is going on in my head. I have such a hard time sorting it out myself, getting it down in writing is very hard. I have been lurking and praying for everyone.<P>Part of my problem is just the state of limbo I am in. Not knowing what is going to happen, if the OW is really pregnant, still pregnant, still around, no word, dead silence. So I really have nothing to report new with my story. Other than my H and I are doing so great being together and building, building, building. Yet, I feel like that is not enough. We had a wonderful short vacation last week and haven't felt that at ease for a very long time. We just had fun with our kids and took our time. I had a week of no anxiety or bad dreams, no crying. My Birthday even went well, I was worried about special days in the future. Then this week - crash ! I re-live the horror of D-day and the sinking hurt feelings, I have started to have visions again of the ill-fated night he forgot me. I have had a few times this week at work that I even wonder if I love him enough to go through this, I just want to run. I have always been way to responsible to ever give up on anything, but this is the closest I have ever felt to it.<P>I want to know why this woman came to my H to tell him she could be pregnant with his child and then just drop out of sight? I just can not let this go, I can not trust anything. If her and her BF really wanted the child no matter what then why even speak to my H? Oh why-why-why ???<P>Thanks for listening and letting me sound off a bit, I probably need to do this more. I am bottling a lot up, that is probably why the anxiety and dreams are starting to occur again.<P>

Carrie:<P>What you are feeling is absolutely normal, trust me. <P>You will find that there will be so many times where you almost completely forget about what happened and absolutely bask in the closeness you and your husband have been able to achieve...then suddenly, without warning, something will trigger a memory, a mindset, the painful aspect of the long range implications, and sudddenly you'll be consumed with grief, anger, resentment and decide that you want out. But, don't do it. Never, ever do anything hasty that you'll ultimately regret. <P>We have all gone through that. The trick is to ride it out. It won't stay like that forever, especially when your husband is so dedicated and determined to fix things, repair the damage and reconnect and rediscover each other.<P>It is almost two years for me on October 24 and I am having a hell of a time. But the anniversaries are like that for all of us. It almost feels like it happened yesterday for me again. <BR>But, because I've been in this place before a few times over the past two years, these feelings of grief and anger are subsiding. I still have the same feelings you are having but, they are for shorter duration each time and farther apart in occurances.<P>I am guessing that they will never completely go away, and these feelings will rear it's ugly head when I least expect it, so it's my job to let the pain come on in, acknowledge it, even wallow for a while, process it then let it go. That's what I have been doing the last three or four days. I know this has alarmed some here on the forum, but it is simply a process...a momentary whine fest. It cleanses me.<P>Your position is difficult because you haven't heard anything for a long time and you are probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. At least if you knew something, anything, you could deal with it...you'd be able to devise a plan of action, one way or the other. My guess is that you don't want any surprises in two or five years when you have relaxed and moved on. So being on tenter (sp?) hooks is not a great place to be. It's hard to plan what to do until you know something. I understand.<P>However, I am so glad your birthday was so nice and that you had a week with your husband and kids and that you experienced a wonderful time with your family. And you didn't cry, weren't blue and didn't really think about any of it. I am so glad you were able to do that, Carrie. I am so glad your husband is so desperate to keep you and is moving heaven and earth to make it up to you.<P>Just remember this is a process and the feelings you are having are normal---and cyclical...they will come and go. Sometimes with a fury, sometimes with a hiccup. As time goes on and you begin to trust your husband and believe in him again, you will start to feel more yourself again. I know I am. It's different, but good. <BR>I admit I have lost some precious things I can never get back and I will probably always be in mourning over them as long as I stay with my husband, but the rewards I am getting are pretty amazing, rewards that I would not have gotten if this would not have happened...although I will always wish with all my heart and soul it never did. I know you do, too.<P>Even if you don't post all the time, I am grateful you stay in touch and you lurk regularly...as long as you get something, some strength out of this, it serves it's wonderful purpose.<P>Stay strong, Carrie, and know we are all here for you...and I am just across the river if you ever need me.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

Carriemom,<P>To you and all the others who are lurking - don't ever be afraid to just babble if that is what you are feeling. None of us know the "right" things to say. We just say whatever we are feeling at the moment and hope that someone out there understands. But, like Catnip said, if you get something out of just reading that is great too. But, really, don't worry about how to write -- we are all where you are and we all have the same wonderful, weird and sometimes violent thoughts.<P>It does get better although there will always be times when you want to take a hatchet to your H. I have a great example. My dear H had the audacity to criticize a younger colleague on his job because the fellow was talking about his girlfriend. My H was quite indignant when he said, "And he has a wife!"<P>The statement is wonderful and frightening at the same time. Wonderful because it shows that he has moved away from the former self that had the A and the OC. But frightening because it made me feel that he had no concept of what his A had actually done to me and how long it has taken me to recover as best I could.<P>That's when I thought of the hatchet ...<P>But, just as Catnip said, I have gotten a whole new range of emotions with my H that are directly a result of all the turmoil that we have been through. We are now taking more time with each other, not taking each other for granted. He says he loves me for no good reason. <P>My H travels occasionally. He left yesterday for a week-long trip overseas. The last time that he travelled in February of this year, I found the e-mails that he was writing to the OW. While he was away he was writing me three line messages to say I'm fine, will talk to you later.<P>He was writing 3-page, explicit, romantic love letters to the OW! On Monday, when we talked about his leaving for the trip, he could sense that I was already linking the last painful experience with travelling. And, on his own, without any discussion, he sent me a gorgeous flower arrangement at work that same afternoon. He told me later that he sent them to reassure me that I am the only woman he loves, the only woman he wants and he knows that for sure.<P>My pre-affair H would not have done such a thing - he simply would not have thought of the gesture. So, once having made the decision to stay together, ride those waves together. Let him know that you are in a down cycle but that it will pass. Let him help you get past them.<P>I am always praying for us all. We are all strong, wonderful women and I believe with all my heart that God will take care of us and help us get through.<P>Take care of you.<BR>- Heavenly

Dear Carriemom,<P>Reading your post was like looking into my own thoughts. You said everything that I have thought and felt since the day I found out about my H's OW and OC (to-be. OC is due in December). <P>Every other day is an up and down roller coaster ride; as many have already pointed out. Some days I feel so strong and think we are going to get through this, just like everything else we have had to go through in our 21 years of being together, and then other days I just want to kill him and his OW! I feel so helpless and distraught. (of course I would never do anything rash, but it feels good to fantisize!) I, too, ask myself "why?" but it doesn't get me anywhere because there is no single answer.<P>So, just as others have pointed out we must TRY to focus on the future with our Hs and making that our primary concern. Working and building our relationships up to where there will be no room for any OW to come between us.<P>Hang in there and come here to vent and lurk as often as you want to. I do the same thing. I find myself coming here daily now. Sometimes to write and sometimes just to read. It really is a big shoulder to cry on and it does help.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours,<P>Surreal22

Carriemom,<P>I can't add anything more than what all these ladies have already said. I just wanted you to know that I support you, also and will keep you in my prayers. I KNOW the rollercoaster that you speak of so well. We ALL do. Keep your faith...embrace your feelings...good or bad...be good to yourself and KNOW that IT DOES GET BETTER. <P>Comfort<BR>

Thank You all so much for your wonderful words of reassurance. I find so much comfort in not feeling alone and that I am not completely nuts. Saturday morning I felt so terrible and depressed, I was trying to hide it and my H could tell. He made me talk and I broke down terribly. He held me and seemed to say all the right things because I felt better and gained a new perspective for the day. I seemed to buck up after that and the weekend was saved.<P>Sunday was wonderful, church always helps. Not only the message but just us, our whole family together and worshiping makes me feel like I can conquer anything. Then we had a great afternoon celebrating our "big" girls 8th Birthday her grandparents. Plus the Vikings kicked butt and the Packers lost !!!! (Sorry if there are any Packer fans out there) I did have a minor crisis thinking I am not old enough to have an eight year old, but I got over that quickly.<P>So, this Monday morning I am feeling pretty good and reading these reassuring words just adds to it so much.<P>Thanks again, hugs to all !!<P>Carrie