Hello everyone.<P>Well for those of you have been with me through my saga since Feb 9, know how much I have wanted to talk to the OW. I was always afraid that I would cause more problems, either with the child support, or hear horror stories, etc. Well I couldn't wait any longer, it was the best thing I have ever done, the biggest step in my healing!<P>This past week I was at my mom's house helping her, she had a hysterectomy, so I went to help. All of you know that my H has a new job, and he leaves within the next week, I will join him at the end of the month. She has worked with him in the Army all of this time. So I called on Thursday night. I decided to be straight forward, not mean, not weak, just the facts you might say. So I started the conversation with what did she expect to get out of this whole situation. Let me tell you this girl, is pretty sad. She basically is one of those girls who is looking for love and doesn't think of how to get it the right way. She said that she was really after anything. <P>I said wasn't there 50,000 other men who she could have slept with at the base, she said yes. She first said that she wasn't living the best life either, she had a fatherless child. So I said, well didn't you CHOOSE that life. You, chose to screw a married man, chose to get pregnant, chose to keep the baby, and knew this would be your life. She said well your right. Then she proceeded to tell me that she went to Child support to have the amount lowered because she only needed a third of the money, like $200 a month. Just what I wanted to hear. <P>Basically she didn't know what to say. She sounded really sad. She has no concept of what a marriage is. she sounds like a kid in highschool who stole my boyfriend, like it just doesn't register. She wasn't vindictive, just not very bright. She just said that all she wanted was a father for her child. And she thought by going for the child suppport, and him having to tell me that then he would come and see the baby, but she was wrong. I said why did she think things would change when he could have easily seen the baby within the first two years, she said she hadn't thought about that. I also said that there wouldn't be contact between my daughter and hers. She said she didn't understand that, but that her married friends explained why it wouldn't work. She also told me that she has been with someone for the past two years and she loves him but won't marry him, because she is sure he would probably cheat. How sad. I told her that she shouldn't worry that the appeal had been dropped and she would be getting her money, she said ok thank you. Also said that I sure that it didn't mean anything but she was sorry. And she did have great concern for me and my daughter, which is why she didn't do anything for two years. <P>My guess on the situation. She was drunk he was too, and she liked him. She didn't "think" about the fact that he was married. And in her nieve thinking she assumed that somehow things could work out so that he would be involved with her daughter. But my h can be pretty cold, especially if he views you as a threat to his family. He never thought twice about it, he really feels it is as if he was a sperm donor, thus no emotional connection. She said that she would have been happy if he would have seen her once a month and bought a pack of diapers every now and then. But he had no desire to do that, and she truly thought that his only reason was he was protecting me. I told her I guess she really didn't know him at all, or she would have known things wouldn't change. <P>So needless to say, this was the right thing to do. I feel no threat at this time that she will try to get more money. She readily admitted that she doesn't even need what she is going to get now, and it hurt her feelings that I thought that she was after the money. I also know for a fact that it was a one time deal, that she wasn't after him. She acted as if there was a crush on her side of it, there was an accident, and she just thought things would be ok. I felt like I was her mother explaining things to her. I have a friend who is a lot like this, and never really thinking everything out. She is living in the moment of trying to be happy, and when her actions cause problems she feels bad, and doesn't really get what has happened. So I guess if one can be lucky in this situation, I feel somewhat lucky. I have read all of your horror stories, and I know the vindictive women that some of you are dealing with, along with those who personally betrayed you. But I feel now that I can move and try to start over knowing that the "air" so to speak has been cleared. I was able to see what type of person she was by the way she talked. My only fear is that the OC will most likely be just like her, no idea how the world really works, and like her mother a lack of a father figure, will have her looking in all the wrong places. This is her mother's second time. When you are raised not knowing what is right and wrong it usually ends of hurting others. As always you are all in my prayers. My life is busy, busy, but this was a milestone in my life and recovery. To try and leave as much of this mess behind me when I move in November. <P>babstr.

Dear B,<P>I am lifted to know that you have managed to understand the situation and has a clearer view of the issue of OC and legal concerns.<P>I am also moved that despite the unfortunate circumstance you are in, you are magnanimous in letting go of the past and move ahead. <P>God speed to you<BR>weep

I FINALLY HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH OW TO.<BR>SHE ENJOYED TELLING ME THE DETAILS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP.<P>NEEDLESS TO SAY I AM STILL HURTING..........<BR>I GAVE HIME BACK MY WEDDING RING AND A BRACELET LAST NIGHT, I DID THIS BECAUSE HE GAVE THE OW A RING DURING THE AFFAIR AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.<P>HOW CAN THIS MAN I LOVE SO MUCH TURN HIS BACK ON HIS FAMILY????????????<P>HE ONLY RECENTLY FOUND OUT HOW DIVIAS SHE WAS<BR>OW DIDN'T CARE ABOUT TELLING ME OR OUR CHILDREN<BR>SHE CLAIMS SHE IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY H AND ALWAYS WILL BE..................

Babstr,<BR>I'm really so happy for you! You sound very relieved to get this information and ready to move on. So long as she was honest and doesn't pull anything else out of her hat, this should go a long way in your recovery. That's just so great!<P>Hurting, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Please try not to use all caps as that means yelling. The Harley methods you can learn here are very helpful in recovery. We also liked the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring. Don't let the XOW's feelings rule your recovery. It's easy to make rash decisions about leaving the marriage when our feelings are so raw, but recovery is possible.Keep posting and<BR>Good luck!

Babstr:<P>Oh, Honey, this is such outstanding news. I know how you have agonized over this situation for such a long time and worried yourself sick over the monthly support allotment. I am so relieved that the amount will be reduced and you will not have to worry so much about finances.<P>Your move in November will be a positive move. You are truly in recovery; let the healing begin.<P>I just love to see small (and large) victories such as this. We all deserve something good to happen to us after what we have endured. It is a kind of balm to the wound.<P>Don't let your guard down for any unpleasant surprises as Jenny suggests, but do enjoy this moment. I am thrilled at this outcome, Babstr. God bless you and your husband and family.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 02, 2000).]

Congratulations Babstr. I'm so happy for you and your big step. I can't believe you waited this long. I hope this girl also realizes the hurt she caused in you and your family. I hope she decides not to take any CS at all.<P>I wish you luck Babstr. I hope things are going well with you and your H's recovery. Take Care.

Catnip,<P>I need to clear something up. She went to child support to get it reduced, BUT, they will not change the amount. They said it is the law and we are stuck with the amount. So basically she just wanted me to know that she didn't need $600 but she will be getting the whole amount. There is nothing I can do. My own aunt and uncle went to court to get his amount reduced because she didn't need the money for her son, and even though she was there, they woulnd't change it. <P>So like we have said time and time again, this system sucks! They have no concept of what this does to a family. My relief was knowing that when we move I don't think she will try to get more than the $600. Because even though we will still break even, if she went to the system she could get more because his salary is going to change. Rather than make a fuss in trying to change everything even if she would go through with it I am going to leave it. The amount is set it is a hardship but rather than risk having to pay more, I will leave it. If she is getting more than enough, I don't believe she will try for more not for awhile. She has a job, and health insurance. She did just want a father for her child in the end, and she really felt he would come around. I do feel sorry for her child and her. But I don't really feel it is my position to make everyone happy. also it would never work now with the move. Like I said before not vindictive just sad. So whether I like it or not the amount is here to stay for the next sixteen years. Hopefully with this new job my H will get raises and we will move ahead of the breaking even point. But like I told her this is the hand that we have been dealt, and I have to play it as well as possible. I just reminded her that she picked her own cards! <P>weep, Jenny, lsm, <P>Thank you for all of your support and kind words. I have been having some panic with all the move, and it really helps to come here and read such kind words. <P>Hurting,<P>I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I know that this is a living hell, and there are a lot of OW that just keep poking the daggers. I hope that there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you. Listen to all the advice you get here, it will help. I know that even though I have had some relief many of you are still in pain, I am sorry. You are in my prayers. <P>babstr.

Oh Babstr, I am so happy for you!!!! You are in true recovery and healing. Congratulations and best wishes to you and your family on your new life!!!

Babstr;<P>I misunderstood. I should try to read more slowly so maybe I would GET IT the first time. <P>I thought OW was just going to take a couple hundred and call it even. I can't believe the courts won't go along with an OW that wishes to reduce the amount because they have no need for all that money when it is such a hardship on the innocent family. Especially, when the OW is not on the welfare dole. Then, why should it matter to the courts? I don't get it.<P>Classic example of when the governement should mind their own business and back off and quit sticking their noses into private business that does not concern them or society as a whole.<P>At any rate, you did get some important closure on your perceptions of the OW and now feel fairly confident that she will not make a nuisance of herself. <P>You did good, Babstr. I am so glad you called her and I admire your empathy towards her and the OC. Stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=

Babstr,<P>Your news is just wonderful. I am sorry that the legal system works against people in your situation.<P>Everything in society is geared towards telling men to indulge in any sexual pleasure they feel like - with whatever partner they wish. But then, when an OC situation comes along, suddenly, the man is worse than a dog and the OW is a poor innocent victim that was taken advantage of.<P>It's so wrong. But, at least, as you said, you have peace of mind that future pay raises will not be affected and the hope that soon your family will be in a better situation.<P>Congratulations on your big step forward!<P>- Heavenly