After reading some of the discussions out there, I wonder what the ratio of man:woman is?!

Anyway, I am a man - at least I thought I was. I am kicking myself for not reading warning signs such as her pushing me to marry her and not letting me go ahead with my own proposal (maybe because it wouldn't have gotten that far???). Here we are 7 years later and I just don't know what I am doing here. I don't know how many details I can type in here, but here are some samples. We sleep in the same house, different beds, different rooms. ("because I snore") We can't talk about money - which we have enough of - without getting into an argument and then me shutting down because I don't want to argue! We can't talk about house projects because we can't discuss the cost, the final outcome/plan, or how it even gets done! I guess when it gets right down to it, I don't feel like I get any support from her -- and that I get more support from others. Yes, we have been to counseling, but I always seem to fall into the same old trap of not representing myself. I would rather back down than hurt her feelings, or mine?! I don't think I am doing anyone any service by backing down all the time! She is an excellent debater - I wish she could do that somewhere else though. But, when you always "lose" what's the point? (back to no support here I think) Boy this is rambly, I don't have all my thoughts together. Some of the other discussions parallel this, but I feel like everything is reversed. She doesn't want to leave the marriage, I do. She is not the man, I am. ----Before I go on too much farther, I'll end this post by saying that I really don't know if I am in love anymore. I think I need sex more than once a year (not exaggerating) and I need someone to snuggle with and who will support me - as the man I am and need to be. I don't want to do those things with her... I can't believe I am posting here - I am looking on the web for help instead of Wave Runners.. I am looking for marriage books (like, "Fight for Your Marriage" by Blumberg et al. - will hopefully pick that up this afternoon and read it incognito). She on the other hand says she loves me. She surprised me with a Valentines card, and I know I'll get her one (because that's what you do), but it really feels like we're just going through the motions. We don't even share hobbies any more. Can I finish off my life like this? When is it over? (Is it even WORTH trying to save?) I hope this gets the idea across - I apologize for the disjointed-ness of it. (My first time out here.)

Other data in case it is of value: Her second marriage, my third, neither of us have any children, we're both 40, working professionals...

"Elmo"

Rats - I know people have been in here - but no ideas written back. Same way on the web - it seems very hard to find out any info on the more negative side of things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Does this mean I just go ahead and try to change her? (or wait longer for replies?!) I guess it being Valentine's Day, it might not be a good day for this?! LOL Thank you for the oppotunity to post in a more anonymous forum, maybe it will help just trying to organize my thoughts by typing them out... taa taa

Hey Elmo, don't get down about the replies...yes, holidays and weekends are slow.

I don't have much to offer other than to say, read all the material on the website, then talk to your wife. She might be feeling the same way? Who knows.

Also, you might try posting on one of the other boards, this one doesn't get too much attention...but we are here and can help if you want to help yourself.

Good Luck and God Bless!

The Wolf

Looks like you are near the end of your rope...
I can certainly understand the way you feel about your situation and thought I would try to give you a few options.....

1) continue on as it is.
2) separate and see what happens when you both get some space.
3) look at changing your thought process on how you handle your wife.

As a man, you have conflicting desires... you truly want to see your wife happy, yet you have a desire to make yourself happy... so by giving into your wifes view, you start to resent that she never lets you "win"...

What I have discovered that works very well for both the relationship, and for me to be happy and feel like I "won", is to approach it from another angle... My desire to please her and see her happy,
and keep a good relationship is sometimes more important than my desire to make myself happy....
I then agree to do it her way AND do it HAPPILY...I am happy to do it her way....I do not pout or sulk or secretly hold a grudge.....

See? That way she wins and I win......I am happy to do it her way... No big deal.. I can be very happy with furniture she likes better than me or the way a color of a remodeled bedroom looks.. And we both stay happy..

Now on the other hand.... If you decide to make yourself happy and decide to do something you want and she doesnt, at this point if I truly want to do it my way... I do it happily my way.. I need to understand that she may be unhappy about it, but I do not feel guilt and do not beat myself up because it was my choice.... I go enjoy whatever it is that
I decided.....

I weigh everything out considering the good of the relationship and make my decision with that foremost in my mind......

Good luck.... Your answer is somewhere... I hope you find it.. You are smart to be looking for answers before you have a chance to have an affair because you seem like a prime candidate for one....
Even though I do not think it is a good idea..
If a person is unhappy in a reltionship and think they will be happy getting out, they will find that
they will still be unhappy, because nothing or anyone can make you happy or unhappy... that comes from within..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You should read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend and Cloud. It has a very Christian slant...if you are not Christian, just skip the Bible references and read the rest. You and your wife do not have clear boundaries and you need to...esp the chapter on "setting boundaries with a coundary-resistant spouse" may apply for you.

There is a LOT of great material at MB (if you have not, hit the "Concepts" link at the top of this page and read those), but I honestly think that until you get some boundary issues cleared up, you cannot get a joint effort on rebuilding the marriage.

Good luck-

Kathi

Hi Elmo-

You sound a bit like my husband. We have been married for 13 years and now he says that he does not love me anymore. I am definately the more dominant person in our relationship. I guess I always thought that was what he wanted. All I can say to you is that you need to be open and honest with your wife. She probably won't like you standing up to her, because she won't be used to it and it may intimidate her, but you have to let her know that you are unhappy with the current situation. I was so shocked to learn that my husband has been afraid to let me know about his unhappiness. He admits that he did not have the courage to stand up to me. I am so frustrated that his actions of not being honest with me have led to him wanting to leave me. I love him so much. I have read so much about all of this and feel that we can really make things better between us, if he could only communicate his feelings to me. I do see that I have taken him for granted and become too critical, I see that I need to put more focus on our relationship. I feel that this is an excellent opportunity for us to become the best couple possible, however I just don't know if he is willing to do the work. Women and men definately go about things differently. I think that many men would rather walk away than go through the pain of doing the work to make things better. I think in my husband's case, he is actually the one afraid of being rejected. He has some issues with his Mother walking out on his family, etc. Let me tell you about some of the books that I am currently reading-I have found them so enlightening: The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis, Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, How can I get through to you? by Terrence Real. One thing, they all say is if you don't work this out in this relationship, you are bound to fail in your next. I hope this helps. Also, as I said your wife probably won't want to hear this, I didn't, it took a lot to get through to me. I don't know if I was in denial, but I think it almost took the threat of him leaving me and the idea of him not loving me to really get me to look at our situation realistically. I don't know how you really get through to someone that doesn't want to hear what you are saying-but you have to find a way. Maybe, if she is willing, she can read some of these books.

Good to hear all of the replies. I have to admit, I am not sure that I really want it to work - but maybe it can? I guess that gets back to the title, "When is it over?" I am intrigued by the latest female perspective (go for High Land?) apparently in a similar situation. The only thing I have to do I think is to continue researching a little more and then act. The first action will need to be communicating with her, but it will not be "fun" and therefore will be the thing I most do NOT want to do. I hate confrontation. (tangent) Even as I write this, I am in the middle of "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil - which is also very interesting. I think I need to know myself a little more... (end tangent) The confrontation I suppose will at least yield an answer in the end. ...and it will get me back to being me instead of hating my life... I just really don't know how it will go. She "loves" me (what does that mean anyway?), but we just aren't on the same page. If we can't have a little fun together, what's the point? I would rather talk about serious, important things with someone else, even!

I'll try to be as objective as I can - hard to do when you're in the middle of the mess though. Thank you for the inputs - if you have anything to add, please do!

"Elmo" - fighting thie urge to avoid/run...(still)

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: Elmo ]</small>

I figured I'd use the light bulb icon - as I become enlightened!

As I have been reading the "Self Matters" book by Dr. Phil (Phil McGraw), I am beginning to understand more about me. ...and maybe that is a good thing because if I am not representing who *I* am, it isn't really all that fair to everyone around me. At this point, you might say - Great! - than you can work on being who you are with your spouse and everything will hopefully work out. Well, maybe not. On the surface, that may seem all well and good, but there are a couple major problems. One is that I am going to have to find a way to get around the fact that we have grown apart very well. I have learned not to talk to her about things because it is too painful. Now, I am in my own world - and I feel like I have a roommate. I can even put events to the reasons these things have happened - I was encouraged to do this per Dr. Phil's "authentic self" study that he uses in the book. If nothing else, it may clear things up for me as to why things have happened. The second major thing is that we have no common interest. I want to have fun, go do things - she is not as active as I am (or not in the same ways?) and I feel that if we did have some of those things in common, I wouldn't want to do them with her?! Man this is sad. ----I just have to add a little story from our past. I was trying to relate to her earlier that we had this nice house, we were getting the horse stuff all in and that that was great because it was part of her dream. When I asked what I should do for myself, she asked what I wanted to do... I told her I didn't know, to which she quaintly replied that THAT was my problem.

Anyway, I think I am only becoming more and more convinced I gotta get out of this, and almost feel like planning for it. On the other hand I really suck at hurting people - but unless something changes, I am not doing anyone any good. Another book - Good to Great (Jim Collins) which talks about management and leadership - it discusses characteristics of good leaders. One of those qualities is the ability to be rigorous, yet not ruthless. I feel like this is one of those times where I need to be rigorous and get the job done. (I am not trying to be ruthless, but it will seem that way I think)

I guess we are back to what "high road" said about talking to her about it at least, but I am really afraid to do that as I have developed quite a fear of "discussing" things with her. I never feel like it has accomplished anything.

Maybe I should take all this to a counselor in private to sort it out - WHAT DO YOU THINK??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am fairly new here my self, but I get the feeling that you are running in circles (should I stay or should I go)I believe that everyone runs the same circle maybe not for the same reasons. When I run that circle, the first thing you have to do is stop. This may sound strange but look at the pros and cons. Sometimes, because of one's own self, they let the distance grow instead of stopping and pulling back. I don't have any advice except for it takes the two of you to make the decision whether you stay or go. You have to communicate, discuss, then decide. I hope I helped even if you can remember that you are not the only one out there looking for answers. I think that a very important point is that when you decide to discuss, you need to have the right frame of mind. You can't talk to the other person using "you" statements, you have to talk using "I" statements. It's how you feel and want you think, she needs to express what ever it is that she thinks and feels. Keep smiling, for each road traveled makes us just a little stronger.

This is my first night for here. I found this site from a person on Michelle Weiner Davis website,"divorcebusting.com". I agree with "go for the high land", and recomend the book and website. I wished to God I had know about these places when my marriage was in crises. My marriage was alot like that. I was the more verbal, he was the quite one. He hated confrontations also, so it ended up that I never knew what he wanted or how he felt. He kept quiet, and I had to try and guess everything with him. When I was wrong, I now know that it was held against me. How was I to know that something I said or did displeased him if he did'nt tell me. If I tried to have a discusion about something, he felt we were fighting, yes I would then get angry, because he wouldn't talk, he would hang his head, never say a word, or would laugh at me, I would become so frustrated, confused, sad. I loved this man more than life, would have gone to the end of the world for him. Be honest with your wife, tell her, and yes she may get upset, at first, let her think about what you said, she's not use to you saying anything against her. I'm not good at expressing things, but hope you get the idea. My husband left me for a younger, married woman at work, after having a 3yr affair. This was 3yrs ago and I am still lost, depressed. My soul has been torn apart and I will never be the same. Think long and hard before you ruin your marriage over something that can easily be fixed. I could have written what "go for the high land" did, they sound so much alike. I may have been more of the leader, but whatever I did was to get his approval. I felt that he was the "rock" in our marriage, the strong one. I am trying so hard to explain how I felt, maybe just too tired, have been on for quite a while tonight, will try later today, see it's after 2am.

As I develop my thoughts and feelings, I guess I am just not quite sure what to do. I feel like I should have gotten out a long time ago, but didn't thinking that if I stuck it out, it might work out. Now, I feel more like I can tell you why it won't work than why it will. The hard part is that I think it would be easier to justify that for me, and there aren't any web sites for that. Oh well, here I am.

Today, we were working in the yard together and she commented that it was great we could work together. Again I didn't have the heart to tell her that was because I didn't say a damn thing. So, along we go. Until I finally have enough that I can say something and then we can argue - again.

I'm going to have to get some of these events together that have transpired over the past years and...if I feel like it, post them here.

I just don't know. When I stop and think about it, it's over - but most people think there is something worth saving. Is it just the "noble" path? I still just don't know.

I guess if I have learned anything, this stuff should be addressed as soon as possible. Or you must make it to the stage I seem to be in. Yukko. I should have opened my mouth at our first cuonseling series years ago - but I was still too chicken. Now, I am getting unhappy enough to say something...

Ok - new milestone... I will still need time for this stuff to coagulate in my life...even in the short couple of days I have been babbling on this thread - AND reading and being VERY THANKFUL for the replies - I have noticed that the thought I have been putting into this has cost me a little sleep, and some (uncharacteristic for me) introverted quietness - but most immportantly, things are starting to make sense in my head. I think I was at a breaking point, and this has been an avenue to vent and get information. It is WONDERFUL.

I keep reading and rereading the posts here - especially the one about being a prime candidate for an affair, and the high road... While an affair sounds like a short term solution to some other obvious needs, I think I would have a hard time doing that. I would have to be gone. But back to reality, it is very interesting to think about how other people might think about similar circumstasnces, yet apply the differences in my situation.

I think my wife loves me a lot - kinda like "high road" has said. Unfortunately, I don't think that feeling is reciprocated, and I can't see (yet) how it ever will be. I hope to see if there is a way. If it works out, good, if not, it's over, good. That way it is a win win. Back to it working out. I think the biggest problem will be getting over what she wants and starting to pay attention to myself. While I don't really know what I want, I have poured 8 years of effort into this, and just thinking about that kinda makes me mad. I guess I don't get to be 32 again! As I have said before, I am not sure even what I want yet! I am on the verge of returning to school to ensure my marketability - but you could even argue that was also in preparation for a possible separation. Ditto with shutting up and working on the house this weekend. Preparation to sell it if necessary. Heck, in this amrket, it might be the perfect time to downsize anyway. But what about her horses? Oh, and what the heck do I want to do for fun??? phooey

Well, before I ramble too long down that path, the bottom line is that I wonder if I can ever look at her again and be really JAZZED and HAPPY to see her again. Right now, she is more like a parent that I want to avoid. If we can get through that, then we have to worry about things we can do together - and I might even be getting ahead of myself since I am starting to think THE BIGGEST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP is being able to COMMUNICATE! ...and God only knows if we'll ever get that one figured out, but again, I guess it's worth a shot. It wouldn't be where I would place my money though.

Another thing is that I liked what someone said here somewhere that if "it" doesn't get figured out in this relationship, it will most likely surface again in the next one. To that I say I will figure it out. <period> (promise to self) Note above, that this is "attempt at marriage" number 3!

So, I have a pretty good idea of what the problems are thanks to this communication and reading. I will need to find some of the resources listed in here as I have wrapped up most of the stuff I was reading the last couple days. I don't think I am ready to drop the bomb yet - want to let my thoughts and feelings prep - even if it takes a month or so.

I'll reply some more if anyone has anything to say. If it needs to be private, please feel free to use that option. I am nothing but a sponge for information right now!~

Elmo

I understand exactly. I have had enough. I love my husband...but I don't even like him anymore. We have nothing in common...he refuses to do anything with me, refuses counseling, although he says he doesn't want to get divorced. I don't know if you have any kids? That is the one thing that is stopping me from filing.

Nope no kids..... but, now my biggest problem is that I don't know when a good time to bring this all up is?! There probably isn't a good time. So, I am in the whirlpool trap that I think a lot of people find themselves in. Yuk.

Well, it *HAS* been awhile! ...and it (my marriage) has been very interesting. It (the dissatisfaction with the marriage) finally came up - and we talked about it. (Oh - and if you hadn't noticed, I did change my alias) I have so much to say, and I know I don't have the time - and I haven't exactly taken notes so I can write it all down in a logical order anyway! But, just to keep going, here is my best shot...

I am still most amazed that she hadn't a clue that things were "so bad". She thought everything was going along fine! ...and of course it was as I was simply existing. She got what she wanted, but I was (am?) dead. We talked about how I felt that I was not being honest with myself and that if I was honest, I really wasn't very happy. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it because it was uncomfortable, but I had also learned that it was very important that it did get talked about. If it doesn't get communicated, it can't be worked on - or even evaluated. So it goes.

We pretty much talked about my feelings about the situation and her feelings as well. We talked about counseling, but so far we have still only talked about it. (She doesn't really want to go if counseling is just going to break down what we are working on) (Yes, she really wants it to work, I guess I am still not so sure) I pretty much said that I have to be happy and illustrated some of the related points. I also conveyed that I couldn't go on the way we were because that was NOT filling my needs. You can probably imagine the rest, I pretty much got most of it off my chest - but I really don't feel much better.

Fast forward that happening - since my last post a week or more ago? - until now. She is almost different. Not in all respects, but... wow. She suddenly seems like she is trying to take care of herself, take care of her house, and even take care of me!! She has also lost her security in the relationship. We have talked about that as well recently. So, with those things in mind, here is the wrap-up:

Is this "change" for real?
Is she now cheating herself just to please me?
What if all this isn't making me feel any better about my feelings for her?
How do you rekindle feelings for your spouse? (especially after years and years?!)
...and I guess when you're someone like me who hates to hurt another person's feelings, how do you keep bringing this up? This is really hard! I wouldn't mind counseling, but I have a feeling that will give me the ability to express myself truthfully, and I know it will hurt her.
ok - enough for now... Thank God for work! (a distraction that actually pays $$)

self-cheater....... Obviously you do want it to work......... even though it is the 3rd time around for you....... I am my husband's 3rd... He is my first....... we met on the net got married very shortly afterward....I want to say that if I had really known him like I found him out afterward....... We would not be married and I have told him in so many words....... in short he is a big liar and cheater....I actually did some research on lying and I have come to the conclusion to make a long story short that it begain as an infant for him even possibly instilled in him before birth...... I think it really has a lot to do with his relationship with his mom......... I am no professional but I would bet a pro would tell me I am right after seeing him and me after observing him.....I said all that to say that perhaps you have come to feel in this marriage the way you do simply because of the basic reasons the others failed..... have you seen anyone alone??? A professional. Find someone and find out what it may be in your past that keeps you from standing your ground and being able to make things work out or at least better......... just a thought... there has to be a reason you attract this type of person and once you find out what is going on you may have the answer once and for all ... it is like being adopted was for me......... I never felt I belonged or understood myself till I knew were I came from...... so after 40 years I have that.......Now if I can just figure out my husband and how in the world is this gonna work or will it........ I will be ok.......LOL.....Last but not at all least.....I don't know what your spiritual side is or if u even think you have one....... but as for my husband........ I have decided that I will be what I vowed to be........ as far as his indiscretions...... I will be here for him while he works it out........ I am letting God handle it, whatever the cost.... Because I do know HE can work it out for the best...... somethings we cannot do anything about really we just have to trust the higher power while doing what is right..... I sugges u read all on this site that applies to your situation and try the methods....... I don't think u can go wrong no matter.....as well as pray.......

self-cheater....... Obviously you do want it to work......... even though it is the 3rd time around for you....... I am my husband's 3rd... He is my first....... we met on the net got married very shortly afterward....I want to say that if I had really known him like I found him out afterward....... We would not be married and I have told him in so many words....... in short he is a big liar and cheater....I actually did some research on lying and I have come to the conclusion to make a long story short that it begain as an infant for him even possibly instilled in him before birth...... I think it really has a lot to do with his relationship with his mom......... I am no professional but I would bet a pro would tell me I am right after seeing him and me after observing him.....I said all that to say that perhaps you have come to feel in this marriage the way you do simply because of the basic reasons the others failed..... have you seen anyone alone??? A professional. Find someone and find out what it may be in your past that keeps you from standing your ground and being able to make things work out or at least better......... just a thought... there has to be a reason you attract this type of person and once you find out what is going on you may have the answer once and for all ... it is like being adopted was for me......... I never felt I belonged or understood myself till I knew were I came from...... so after 40 years I have that.......Now if I can just figure out my husband and how in the world is this gonna work or will it........ I will be ok.......LOL.....Last but not at all least.....I don't know what your spiritual side is or if u even think you have one....... but as for my husband........ I have decided that I will be what I vowed to be........ as far as his indiscretions...... I will be here for him while he works it out........ I am letting God handle it, whatever the cost.... Because I do know HE can work it out for the best...... somethings we cannot do anything about really we just have to trust the higher power while doing what is right..... I sugges u read all on this site that applies to your situation and try the methods....... I don't think u can go wrong no matter.....as well as pray.......

When the fat girl sings and wins on American Idol.

Toyman

You have to stop yourself before it is too late. Emotions play games with us...we CANNOT let ourselves be ruled by them. You are letting your emotions control you and your life. Do you want a successful marriage or don't you. NEWSFLASH! That takes HARD work and lots of it. I know. I felt exactly like you and sometimes still do. I am the quiet one and felt like I always had to keep my true feelings inside because my husband would get so upset when I would share them. I hate conflict. I began to resent my husband and dread even being around him. He seemed to think everything was great. What I found is that you HAVE to be honest or you are cheating your spouse and not giving them a chance. Additionally, you are always thinking about "the back door". Guess what, if there's a back door in your mind, it gets more and more attractive than working on the marriage. But if there is no "back door", you HAVE to stay and the only choice is to work on fixing things. When you make that resolution, you will force yourself to be honest, to communicate, to overcome your transitory emotions and to love your spouse the way you promised to love her. I have found that love is so often a CHOICE. If you sit around and wait to feel that way, you never will. Try this - decide to love her. Just make the choice and act on it. Remember, you got married for a reason. You didn't like being single. Thinking a divorce will make you happy is illogical. You are just trying to avoid the immense amount of work ahead of you. You've allowed things to get to a state where the marriage is in total disarray. Start building one brick at a time - the first brick is the choice to love. Don't wait for it to happen. Just do it. If you keep in mind that there is no way out, you will find a way to make it work for both of you. Good luck and God Bless!

Someone said to me once, "Where ever you go, there you are."

There is no escaping yourself. I can very much relate to your posting. My husband and I have been going through years of nothing and I accepted it because it was the "right thing to do" and I was sick of trying (and we have a daughter).

I have a passion for life. I want to do things. I want to have FUN. I want to know that when I lay down to die that I haven't wasted a whole bunch of time not living while I was alive. For a couple of years, I have done just that! I have stayed married, my husband just didn't participate. For a while that was fine. I spent time with good friends, hung out at the beach with our daughter, enjoyed my job, enjoyed going to school...

Sometimes I would invite him along, but he didn't want to go. And honestly, a lot of times I didn't want him to anymore. He didn't really want to come anyways. He has always said that he loves me, but for the past couple of years, I think that I have said it back out of habit.

Anyways, I do have a point here. I didn't do any favors to anyone by not really addressing the situation. Our daughter certainly was not witnessing anything to terribly wonderful. I think that maybe the past few years, I was preparing to leave. By going to school, deciding not to have another child (we had planned that), etc. I don't think that it was a concious decision, but I do think it was somewhere rattling around in my head-- that I would not live this way forever.

What happened eventually was that I fell in love with someone else- you can read some of my stuff on here for more details. And I was bound and determined to be done with this marriage. I would not let my idea of a better life go. I told my husband and he did NOT want me to go. He wanted to do whatever he could to fix it and I did not want to. In a lot of ways, I still don't. Because it doesn't sound like fun.

The truth is, I am a dreamer. I am a sucker for a love story. I love movies like, "When Harry met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," whirlwind beautiful fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind-of stuff. AND our culture totally tells us that that is real! I don't think it is. I think there are moments. I believe that it can be created, but you don't get to have crazy-passionate love if you don't get off your [censored] and set the stage for it. You can't sit there never saying anything that you think or dream or express your desires. You (I, WE...) have to admit when we are hurt and have the balls to let our partners know what is going on in our heads. Whether the stuff in there is pretty or not.

As I am sitting here spouting at the mouth, I am learning. I have not practiced what I am preaching here, but I want to. The truth is I'm scared. I don't feel in love with my husband and I don't feel like muddling through the crap to get to the good stuff. I want to go up to the drive-thru and place an order for happiness with a side of passion and fun to-go and I want it now. How realistic is that?

I just had a thought that it's pretty much like working out. When we get those extra fat cells and gravity start doing its thing, we can wish all day long that our bodies looked better. We have some options:
A. Costly and painful lyposuction or stomach stapling- which I will compare to costly and painful divorce.
B. Fad diets- quick fix, band-aid treatments that are short-term- I guess I'll compare that to taking a cruise or mini-vacation with your spouse. Everything is beautiful and fun and nice. You spend a fortune and have a good time, but never really address any issues- Hell, you're on vacation for pete's sake.
C. Do nothing and stay fat- I don't think that I need to explain that one...
D. Get your butt in the gym and do the work. It won't take just a couple trips and you actually have to make a decision and put some effort into the process. You may never have the perfect body, but you can make the best with what you have and be proud of it.

Why do we think that we can just tell our spouses that we are unhappy and leave it at that? Like I can just say, "You know, I don't think I love you anymore. Do you think you could do something about that dear? What? Oh, I don't know really, how about helping me clean up around here. Yes, I think that will do. I'm sure we'll be happy if we just get this house cleaned up..."

Boy have I said a mouthful! I hope this is helpful to you. I am really in a very similar situation as you so this is not all directed at you actually. I've been kind-of talking some sense into myself and I would like to thank you for sharing your stuff. It has inspired me to think...

God bless you and good luck! Sweet dreams!