As alot of you know... my H has oc whom he hasnt been able to see. OW was being vindictive and wanted him to see oc while she was there. Well she has suddenly changed her story and now drops oc off at our house on weekends, at nights after work... we see him quite often. If everyone remembers correctly, I was the one running off at the moouth about I accept this child, he didnt make the mistake, I have no problem with this baby. I must have lied. Having him around all the time..... its killing me. I cant bring myself to talk to him, or touch him, or even look at him for the first couple of hours he is there. I eventually warm up to him because he is after all a baby and I guess my mothering instincts take over after a while.... but ladies... I hate it. I hate the way I feel about this child. I hate the fact that I feel like I am lying to myself in trying to accept this baby. The first night he came over, I went into the bathroom and locked the door and cried for a good hour. I'm a fake, I'm trying so hard to make everyone think this doesnt bother me.... but my god it does. I never realized how much it would until he came over. Heavenlybody... dont feel bad at all about the decisions you are making. This is such a difficult (for lack of better word) feeling. I thought I was going to be ok with it all. Come to find out I was just fooling myself.

My hugs and prayers to you LittleBird. Oh, long hugs...{{{{{{{{{lb}}}}}}}}}}}} I don't have any advise except please don't beat yourself up over these feelings. This XOW sounds like a very young, immature person to dump this baby on you so much and not spend time with him herself. How's your H taking it? My heart breaks for all of you.<P>God bless,<BR>Jenny

I'm having a bad day in a different way right now, but I want to respond.(I posted on Gen. Questions) Anyway, I'm due in 25 days with our 3rd child, his son was born to her in May. I too have expressed that I will have to acept this baby he had with her, and if he ever felt that the baby wasn't being treated fairly that I would take him in when we are more stable.<BR>But the thought of doing it scares me, I really don't know how I will react. I say that as a mother, I would accept the baby, but as his betrayed wife will I really be able to.I wonder about that alot.<BR>You are not a fraud, you are a very strong and brave woman to be doing this, seeing the baby, trying to spend time, and to look past what has brought him into your life. Before my H affair, I swore if he cheated on me he would be out the door, and here I am. I guess we just don't know how we will react until we are in the situation. And really, how can we predict that? The feelings of all this are so strong and so real! It is impossible to know what they are like until they are felt(the betrayal, hurt, anger, and yes, even the power of love!" We can only speak from our heart, and thats what you did. Being in the situation is totally different. But the fact is that you are not running away, you are facing it, and that inspires me. I will pray that God can give you more strength. My thoughts are with you.

Littlebird,<P>I don't know if this will help you, but there are men on this board that are facing and in some cases raising the OC conceived with OM. You might want to read some those posts and talk with them. Perhaps they can help you resolve your issues.<P>This is really hard stuff you are dealing with. Hopefully, they can help you.<P>The most recent to post was "floored". Look at his post and some of the other threads listed there.<P>Hope they give you some help and solace.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Littlebird,<P>I felt as you do now. On the one hand I felt like I didn't ask for this. I wasn't a part of the decision or the action to bring this OC in the world. On the other hand I felt this OC was innocent and that he deserved a relationship with his father. The first few visits were very difficult. It saddened me to even look at him. My H could see that and asked me if he should just take him back home. I just hung in there and now when he comes he's around me more than he's with H. I don't hurt anymore from him. I hurt from the games OW continues to play every now and then.<BR>You're not a fake. Your human. It's suppose to bother you.

Littlebird,<BR>I am the latest arrival of this forum because my W is pregnant with OM baby. She is only about 12 wks right now, but I am struggling over whether or not I can accept OC. Just like everyone else here, I have positive days and negative ones. Today is negative and I feel as if there is no way I can have a daily reminder, OC, of my W's betrayal..(what if he looks like the OM?, what if I'm unable to treat him as my own and I neglect his/her needs?..what if etc., etc.) Even though I catch myself thinking these things, I remember "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", and know that if God really works things out with my wife and myself, He will give me the strength to accept this OC. It gives me chills to know that my God, my Heavenly Father can make something good out of this excrutiating pain that I feel now. I know that I will have emotional ups and downs for the next 6 mos., but really the ball is in my W's court..she has to decide if she will allow me to raise this child as my own. Next time you see the OC, take a minute and just look only in his eyes and see what a precious, innocent person you have in your lap. You can do this, you're not alone..when I get down, it helps me to just say "Father" and I know He will comfort me. You have all the power in this situation right now and you can choose to not be a part of it, (and no one in the world, not even God, will blame you), or you can do your best and help raise this baby the RIGHT way. God bless you and your huge heart.<BR>Floored

Dear Littlebird,<P>Not Giving Up and Just Learning really hit it on the head - you don't know how you will react until you are actually in the situation. You started out - just like me - with good intentions but the emotions attached to this issue are so incredible and powerful that it is absolutely normal that the negative ones would overtake you.<P>Like CD, I have been thinking about the child's need to have a father in her life. But you reminded me that I have to think of my own needs as well -- I can't live my life for someone else.<P>My biggest fear is something that Floored mentioned -- the OC very much resembles her mother. And so every time I look into her face I will see the OW in my house, with my children, at my dinner table, etc. That may be enough right there to drive me over the edge!<P>And I am now praying for the same thing that Floored is praying for - that Christ will give me the strength to deal with whatever decision I ultimately make.<P>Littlebird, you are trying to do something wonderful that is tearing you apart for very good reasons. I hope that you will be able to resolve your own feelings and decide on a course that will give you peace. We all deserve some peace after all that we have been through.<P>Good luck, my prayers are with you ...<BR>Heavenly

LB,<P>You are not a fraud...you're very human...and very kind hearted and loving. Your intentions are all good and loving in spirit. But our emotions are something that we just can't count on. Like the others have said..you just don't know exactly how you'll feel until you're in the situation and living it. Whatever you do, be at peace with it. You're a good person and your H is so lucky to have you still in his life. I say a prayer for peace in your life.<P>Hugs<P>Comfort<BR>

oh little bird, you are not a fraud. you are a perfectly normal human being and your feelings are totally normal too. don't be so hard on yourself. i can only imagine how hard it must be to see the OC. i could not do it. you were only doing what you thought was best, you couldn't know what your feelings would be. i am sure it is like a huge reminder of all that has happened. <P>one can never know how you they will react in a situation until it is staring them smack in the face. i am sure we all said we would leave our husbands if they EVER cheated on us. and we are all still here. you were doing what you thought was best at that time in your heart. and as long as all you are doing is think bad things about OC, you are normal. if you were to hurt him physically, which i KNOW you aren't doing, that would be wrong. but feelings are just that, feelings. it is when we act out those feelings and hurt someone that it is not good. actually, that doesn't always apply, but i think you get the picture. <P>maybe it is best that you not be there when you H sees OC. or maybe it needs to be less frequently. she can't just drop him off when she wants to be a single woman again. she is a mother, a job she chose to be in, and she chose the married man. he has obligations before this OC and she is most likely taking advantage of both of your kindness. your H needs to draw the line. and maybe he can plan to take the baby somewhere or something.<P>so, don't be so hard on yourself. hang in there. take care.<P>happy_girl