Hello<BR> I usually only comment on this board in response to someone else's thread, but today I must post my own. For some reason, I am sooooo very down and upset today that I cannot seem to function. I am nearly 2 years from Dday #1, and 14 months from DDay #2, so I should be in better control. But my sadness and despair are so profound today that I can feel them physically....I have knots in my stomach, no appetite, and no concentration on anything but this horrible situation.<BR> I have read books, books, books and article after article on the Web. We go to counseling, my H seems re-committed to our marriage and is considerate of my feelings most of the time. I have read or been told repeatedly what I need to do.( i.e. let go of the past and live today, forgive, realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, pray, give my pain to God, etc. etc. But how? How? Everyone tries to be support and I get plenty of good info and advice about what I need to do in order to heal, but exactly HOW does one go about NOT THINKING about what happened? My counselor says things like "Refocus your thoughts on something positive." How?<BR> I am overwhelmed with sadness most of the time and fight back tears all day long. Even though I am stronger on lots of days and can put up a good front and function a little better, every day is a conscious effort. Frankly, I have no desire to live another 20 or 30 years if this is the kind of effort I must make just to get through a day. Please on't give me "life is worth living" lectures because I've heard them over and over. Life IS worth living for some, but not for all..including me. I have no intention of committing suicide because I don't want to leave such a terrible legacy for my children even though they are grown. But the thought of another 20 years or more feeling what I feel and fighting my demons is almost more thsn I can take.<BR> Please help me.

aniem, <BR>This is temporary. Surely you need to grieve this way right now, but it won't be like this always!!! Counselors have said stuff to me like "Don't 'should' yourself about your feelings. Try to allow them. They have a life cycle that comes and goes naturally." It sounds like this horrible difficult loss in your life has hit you anew, and no one could blame you! If you give yourself into the feelings for now, I think it will end on it's own with a little time.<P>I'm so glad that you are not thinking of suicide! I know the pain is that bad! But honey, it will get better. If it is goes on for some clinically long period of time, there are medications that can help. But I'd really try allowing yourself time to just grieve for right now.<P>I've known of people who, to give vent to their grief, broke old dishes (try the dump or thrift store), tore up old magazines, or pounded fruit to a pulp, screaming and crying (making sure they are in a "safe" place first, where they won't be questioned, interrupted, etc.). Hard exercise is good, and rest too. Long bubble baths. Good friends who listen well. If you haven't gotten rid of things that remind you of the affair, now's a good time. Whatever YOU need to feel better!<P>Sending Hugs and Prayers!<BR>Jenny

Thank you, dear Jenny, for your reply. I remember that the first time I came to this forum, you were the first one I realized also had an OC. This was long before there was an OC/Pregnancy forum here. Your words were such a source of comfort and help to me then, and they still are. Thank you. <P>I believe I have accepted OC. My H has liberal visitation and we see OC every week. In addition, she spends even other weekend (Fri-Sun) at our house. The problem is we also have to deal with OW and H sees her weekly when we pickup and dropoff OC. H has done nothing to indicate continued interest in OW, but she is still right in the middle of our lives (which is precisely what she planned in the first place.) Therefore, getting rid of "reminders" or "triggers" is impossible.<P>The affair lasted several years, which means I have many, many "reminders and triggers" to deal with every day. I went through a several week period when I was feeling more secure and less sad, but the old fear and despair have returned. Yesterday I bought the book Surviving Betrayal which has lots of wonderful advice, but few things that say exactlu HOW I go about getting from Miserable to OK.<BR> Every single day of my life for TWO long YEARS have been spent trying to cope/deal with all of this. I'm so very tired. I believe that all of this is somehow part of God's plan and that I'm supposed to learn from this, but enough already. With all the legal and child support stuff, we are nearly broke. Our youngest is still in college and I will NOT let him down because of this, even if I have to live in a cardboard box. He works hard in the summers and saves his money, and we promised we would pay for the rest. I'm not about to reneg on that.<P>I worry about every little thing my H says and does, and frankly, I think I'm about to drive him nuts. I'm taking Prozac and have been for many months, yet STILL I'm in this frame of mind. The dr has changed my meds and dosages, but nothing seems to ring me out of the darkness.<P>Oh, well, I'm venting, I guess. Just wish it would all end. <P>Thanks again, Jenny.<P>Love, anniem

Dear anniem,<P>We have all been in your shoes at one point. I know how hard it is to "focus on positive things". And, like you, when I get into one of my "lows" the last thing I want to hear about is the beauty of life.<P>Life has dealt us a pretty bad hand and there is no relief in sight. I too feel that the OW is in the middle of my life and actually planned it that way. I hate to say this because I sound like an awful person, but the thing that makes me most happy is the knowledge that I am standing in the way of what she wants - my H! And, she is going to her grave lusting for the life that I lead every day. <P>Believe me there are days when I look at my H and say to myself "I fought for this prize?!*" The hurt and the anger are always close to the surface. But then I think that the greatest revenge on the OW is to continue to live my life, happily and side by side with my H. <P>Good marriages are hard to find and I don't want to throw away a relationship that has been good in all other aspects except for this terrible OW/OC business. <P>So, don't think about making yourself happy. Think of how unhappy you are making the devil woman who tried to steal your H. Brings a smile to my lips everytime.<P>I am praying for you that your mood will lift soon and you will be able to fully enjoy life again. You will, you know ...<P>- Heavenly

Hi there...you are close to an anniversary and, i do not know why, but that seems to bring the unwanted feelings and memories straight out of the floodgate fulforce. For me oc 's first birthday is coming in a couple of weeks and even though I do not have to see her I am sooooo dreading it.<BR>I personally give it to God. The way I did it was simply to repeat over and over I give it to you God...I cant do this on my own...Please take it all...etc. I was usually in tears doing this and it might take a couple of minutes or longer but it was if I could feel the burden being lifted off me.<BR>Another thing I do and I am not sure if it is healthy or not bc it is escaping, is to totally lose myself in a good book....of course after a nice candle lit bubble bath that is just for me.<BR>Other than that I can just scream and scream to get it out of my system, but then the neighbors start peaking out their blinds and whatnot....nosy nosy . I usually try to avoid doing that...<BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you...<BR>God Bless....

Your post made me feel so sad for you. I'm so very, very sorry that you're feeling so distraught at this time. Your pain is evident. I'm sorry. I will pray that you will see the light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel. There IS light. <P>Blessings and prayers for peace<P>Comfort<BR>

I found one of your post, although, it was written before I got here, and I am not sure that you are still in distess. I just wanted you to know, that I did take the effort to find one. When I was reading your post, It did feel as though I could have written the very same one, like your words were so close to my own. We have good days, we have bad days. I will admit, that sometimes, when you look at as feeling this way for 20 or 30 years, it don't look to hopeful. You know what I do when that happens? Because it happens to me alot. I get soooo sad, I just cry. I go upstairs, and put my makeup on, this is usually during the middle of the day, when noone is here (seems to be harder when I am alone) but the kids. Put on a pair of tight jeans, and a small shirt, look at myself in the mirror..and tell myself how good I look (i am not vain, trust me it helps) and I go down stairs, and turn the music up real loud, and dance around, cleaning the house. I know it sounds silly, but it does make me feel better, really. And I don't play sad song. Jumpy Happy ones. Did I forget, the most important thing..sexy underware? Sometimes when we are so down, it helps to remember what it was like when we were young. Youth is carefree, and the futrue seems so bright. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that. It works for me any way.

Dear Anniem,<P>I am very sorry that you feel so despondent. You are entitled to those feelings and they are a natural part of the process.<P>If you can pop over to Recovery forum and read Sudz's How does healing feel like?, you will be able to find some posts that illustrate how some betrayed worked to consciously move from one painful step to the next. I also have a post on "Anger Management " and it can be found under NSR's Notable THreads/Posts.<P><BR>20 years is a long time....Since you have to look after the baby, I was just thinking that perhaps in a God sent way, the child will become more of yours than the OW, like in the way she took your H those years, now the child will grow up to acknowledge you as a mother as well. I don't know many mothers who would want to share that credit and love of their child. So, you can mother the baby to love you as its own, and in time, the child will also develop a bond with you, and when your children marry and move out, this child may be able to keep your company when you retire ( I read that you will be past 60 when the child is approaching 20?). I don't know if I am been presumptous but I was thinking that phrase someone uses 'make lemonade out of lemons'.<P>I know this is not near to what we all want for our marriages; to have some OC in the house. But if your situation is unavoidable, then maybe we can look at it from the point of looking after another life. Growing another life. I know of a couple who takes in orphans to foster parent a few times a year because they love babies and youngsters. I have also read of stories that sometimes the 'outside child' feels a supremely great sense of gratitude for being nutured by someone who sympathised and gave out of their need (the children do have to know that money is not easy to come by to treasure the value of money as well as the hard work of their parents).<P>May God shine on you<BR>take care<BR>weep

Noodles and Weep, you offered wonderful ways of coping with the blues! Although I am no Madonna, I very often dance around the house when I am alone with loud music blaring to lift my spirits. Music has an amazing way of brightening your life.<P>Weep reminded me of a story that my mother used to tell. She had a very close friend with 5 children. Her youngest son married a woman that she could not stand. She treated her daughter-in-law terribly and let it be known to everyone that she did not consider her good enough to marry her son.<P>Well, the lady had a stroke and was left paralyzed on one side of her body. She lived that way for nearly 10 years. Not one of her children offered to take her in or help her in any way, but her much disliked daughter-in-law nursed her every day of those 10 years.<P>Sometimes you have no way of knowing where God's goodness comes from. It sometimes comes out of extreme happiness, but it also sometimes come from extreme sorrow. I simply try to look at the good in my life when the blues gets me down. There is so much good in all of our lives if we stop to look.<P>One day we will all get past this pain. Sometimes it takes a long time. I pray for us all daily that we continue to have strength to survive.<P>God bless.<BR>- Heavenly

anniem,<P>I'm sorry to hear you're thinking of leaving. It sounds like you really need more support in your life. I will share that just this week I opened up to a friend of mine who I felt fairly safe with this stuff and I received a great deal of comfort from her. Of course you have to be careful and know that some people will not have the maturity to keep from judging you or others too much in this situation. But when I can find a supportive person to talk with, it is SUCH a relief to get out of my head(!) and into the real world. And that time of sympathy and understanding is what keeps me going sometimes. A counselor is good too, but frankly SOMEtimes a good friend is better and cheaper too!!<P>We'll still be here...<BR>best wishes,<BR>Jenny<BR>