Well, here I am, just going along...one day at a time. Trying to get through this whole sorted mess. We get a phone call today from my H ex wife living out of state with his two children from previous marriage. She leaves a message on my voice mail instructing my H to pick up college literature for colleges here in our city because his oldest daughter (17) will be going to college next year and may seriously be thinking about moving here to do so. I have a 17 year old also who will be attending college next fall. My H and I share our 11 year old together. The last damn thing I need or want is for his daughter to move in with us! I know this may sound selfish to some, but it's how I feel. His two from previous marriage have only visited occasionally in the past 13 years of our marriage. They visit for a week at a time at Christmas and once during the summer. They'd good kids, but they never go out of their way to even act like they're having a good time. We spend lots of money on them when they come, not to mention buying the round trip tickets for both. They never call their father on his birthday, father's days...nothing. He has been paying child support regularly for years. Sooooooo...now this the OC in the picture, who is 4, he'll be paying more cs. Now, there's a real possibility that his oldest daughter wants to come to live here. Am I crazy???!! I love the two that I have here at home, but I look forward to the day that they're both strong, educated and self sufficient young women and can move out and live their own lives. The last thing I need right now is another responsibility. Another mouth to feed. My H ex wife was so damn smug on the voice mail. She didn't ask...she simply "instructed" him to get college info. My H told me that they'd talked "briefly" about it one day last month when he called to talk to kids. I asked him why he never mentioned it to me. States that I was already so upset with him and this OC thing, and he just didn't see the point at that time. Also said that he didn't feel he should HAVE to mention it because she's his daughter and I always said that his kids were always welcome in our home. I did and I meant it...but I never thought it would be at this late date and not now. Oh Lord! He's already got it planned in his head that his daughter can "bunk" with my oldest one. My oldest one is NOT going to like that. H stated that he accepted my oldest daughter as his when we met and married. He always has. There wouldn't have been a marriage if he couldn't have. I think that if his children were with him when we met, I'd feel so differently. I don't know them really...and vice versa. And to be honest, I'm not interested in getting to know them now that everyone is almost grown. I told him today that I'm sick of his "dna" always seeming to invade my life (wth the exception of my youngest daughter). DNA meaning this OC that he had through adultery and now this daughter from previous marriage. I'm through! I feel like packing my stuff and running away!!! Thanks for letting me vent. All input as usual is welcome.<P><BR>Comfort

Comfort,<P>I don't blame you. You already have enough stress dealing with the betrayal, and the OC. Trying to deal with a possible new living relationship with his other child will only get the fire burning again. I of course do not have much info as to how you can correct it, though. I really don't know how you can survive with your h having to pay out so much child support. We are going to barely make it with my h paying for the OC support, and that is just one. Just keep coming here and venting. Are you going to have to pay for the college also? Nothing like more and more expense. Keep your spirits up!<P>babstr.

Comfort-<BR>Unfortunately,this is one of the "problems" with a blended family..She is your H's daughter and I am sure he has a loyalty to her as well. You need to look at it from a perspective that he welcomed YOUR child and now maybe he is hoping you will do the same. It stinks but, being a step-child myself, I know the feeling..As for their behavior over the past 13 years.. Who knows what the exW has been filling their heads with. But, has your H talked to his daughter? Maybe SHE doesn't want to move near or in with you guys afterall. Maybe it is the exW that is doing all of this. Talk to your step-daughter, see what she thinks about all of this. When it comes down to it also, she might very well want to live in a dorm. Tell her she needs to do what every other college student doesm apply for financial aid and take out student loans. No offense, but I am sure a 17 year old doesn't want to live with her parents either. To me this sounds like the exW playing some power games. Take a deep breath and TALK to your H AND your step-daughter. Also ask your daughter how she would feel about her step-sister moving in. Who knows she might very well welcome it in some way. You have a lot to deal with right now. Just take a step back and try to "seperate" all the issues and deal with them one at a time. Good luck and take care.....<P><BR>

Comfort:<P>There are a lot of dynamics involved in a blended family situation. No one is the Brady Bunch...most are like the Addams Family meets the Waltons. Scary stuff.<P>When I married my husband 20 years ago, he brought his two chidlren, then 6 and 8 years old, (he never received a dime of child support)into our marriage. I had my son from my previous marriage (of which I never received a dime of child support), so we were suddenly a family of five.<P>Issues? Billions. But we survived and managed to pull together a fairly decent family. The problem we had was my husband's unreasonable jealousy over my son, yet, I treated his two as if they were my own.<P>Would I do it again? Don't know. Probably, with better ground rules in place.<P>My step-son and step-daughter grew up to be outstanding people, as did my son. The fact that I dedicated myself to my husband and his children and then to have him do this horrific thing to me is almost more than I can comprehend, so I know the indignation you must feel.<P>After all your husband has put you through, he is now asking you to accept another of his children into your life. It must seem like a incredible and expensive imposition after all you have endured...and it is. However, this may an opportunity for you to become close to your step-daughter, but your husband is asking an awful lot and it doesn't seem to me as if he is considering your feelings which, according to the priests at Retrouvaille, he must put you and your marrige first. <P>This goes without saying about the OC, but existing children from a previous marriage are on a much different plane. They are not in the same catagory because the step-daughter was brought into this world BEFORE you met your husband.<P>However, the same prinicple applies and his acquiescing to his x-wife's demands shows little consideration for you and your feelings about this. In this case, a mediator should be consulted and referee this decision and both of you should go into a Policy of Joint Agreement about this.<P>I know I would be furious if my husband did this OW-OC thing and then sprung on me, "Oh by the way, my daughter from my previous marriage is going to come live with us and go to college." I don't think so...not if I don't really know her, never had a relationship with her, and suddenly incur financial obligations in addition to the OC...too much to ask, unless of course, you know and like and enjoy your step-daughter, as I do mine.<P>Does his x-wife and children from that marriage know about your difficult situation of the OW and OC? Doesn't he think that your marriage should be stable and solid and cohesive before he hits you with such an extraordinary request so early into recovery? <P>I guess I am more alarmed at your husband's lack of care and concern of you and your marriage than I am about your step-daughter camping at your house. I like the idea about her getting financial aid and moving to a dorm and not living with you because, from experience, I can tell you that the woman is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS the caregiver and works 'detail' in any blended family situation. It is much different than when a man married a woman with children...all he has to do is go to work, come home and be pleasant while you run yourself ragged running interference and do all the 'mommy' things. So, he might be like my husband and expect you to run the errands and look into registration and all the detail work involved with bringing her into your home.<P>Ask your husband why he couldn't have said to his x-wife, "I want Suzy to have a great education and I am willing to do what I can for her, but my wife and I will have to discuss whether or not Suzy can live here." At the very least he should have told his x-wife he had to discuss things with you first and not say yes without consulting you. This major decision effects your life, too and impacts it significantly. <P>Comfort, your problem isn't so much with Suzy as it is with your husband's misplaced sense of responsibility. Should you decide to be generous and magnanimous and welcome his daughter into your home and assist in her college, I would lay out some very stringent ground rules by calling a family meeting and mapping out expectations. <P>I understand how angry and insulted you must be to feel as though your feelings and what you think and want don't count and that important, life-altering decisions continue to be made without the due respect of asking you what your position is on the issue.<P>Good luck...stay strong.<P>Catnip =^^=<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 06, 2000).]

Thank you all so much for your input and support! <P>Babstr: I won't be paying for college...and I seriously doubt that my h will either...he'll be too busy paying child support! My daughter is applying for financial aid, my step daughter had better "catch the same bus" and apply. I cringe when I think about the money that goes out of the house each month on cs..and not to mention how much more when he starts paying support for this new OC. I swear I feel like just packing up and leaving!<P>Duranie: I hope you're right! Maybe she doesn't want to come and live with us. My feelings wouldn't be hurt at all. She's a nice kid, but I don't need another 18 year old in my home...especially not now. Yes, he did accept my daughter when we got married. I've always accepted his kids, too. They didn't live with us and rarely visited. It was easy to accept them..I hardly saw them. Of course if they'd been a regular part of his life all these years I would feel different. I wouldn't look at it as an imposition. The timing stinks! He hasn't talked with her yet but he will this weekend. She wouldn't talk to me about how she really feels because she's not comfortable with me either.<P>Catnip: You're right. it's different when a man marries a woman with a child already. She's still the primary caregiver. Even if he has kids, she'll STILL be the caregiver, no matter what. I'm sure that was your role, too. You're right again when you said that my feelings were obviously never considered and it IS too much for me right now. I feel overwhelmed and like I'm suffocating. No. No one on "his" side of family knows about any of this OW/OC stuff. He doesn't want anyone to know, especially his mother because he says she'll never understand about his not wanting to have anything to do with child. I've always wanted to "blend" our families. I've always encouraged him keeping in touch with his children even though they lived far away. He hasn't always done that. I feel now that it's a "guilt" thing going on,know what I mean? I'm hoping Duranie is right when she says that maybe step dau won't even want to come and that it's all exW idea to be rid of her. *Big sigh*...it doesn't seem to end, although I know it will. Just always something!<P>Oh, ladies, btw, I forgot to mention that OW H called and left us a "nice" message. Told my H that he wants 2500 for past med exps paid on OC since he now knows it's not his! Said if he didn't get it, he's suing my H. He can kiss my "you know what" 2500 times!! Enough already!!!<P>Thanks again for listening to me ... it just hasn't been a good week, I'm grateful for all of you and having this place to come to.<P><BR>"staying strong..."<P>Comfort