I am a 28 w dealing with infidelity. To add insult to injury he got her pregnant. The kicker is her baby is two weeks younger than mine. We have 3 other children togeather. I have days where I am fine and days where all I can do is cry, and days where I am so mad I could spit nails. That I would aim at him if I could. Is this normal? I am tired of feeling pathtic, tried of people feeling sorry for me, tired of dealing with this. I want to leave but I can't with 4 kids, and no where to go anyway. I try to be a good person and make nice with her. I know she still wants him and I think he wants her. But won't say it. Infact lies none stop, I don't know if he see her, or the kids. This is driving me nuts. Does anyone have any suggestions that will make this easier? Anything?

Noodles, <P>I feel your pain. Read my post after yours on this subject. I am going through the same ordel and I know exactly how you feel. I apologize for the way men act. They only think about their physical needs sometimes or within the hour with no idea of the consequences. I am sure that your husband is tearing apart inside and I know that if he knew the consequences turn out the way it did he wouldn't have done it. It is hard for him to let go of the OC since part of him exist. I can't offer you any advise since I feel unforgiving in my present situation but I can tell you that you are not alone. <P>

Dear Noodles,<P>I am very sorry that you are in this very despondent state. From the brief story you have given, it is enough to gauge that you are now in the anger and depression stage of the discovery process:<P>shock, denial, hurt, anger, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, forgiving, healing, rebuilding and restoration (of complete self and even marriage)<P>You are feeling hopelessness and trapped in a situation from which you seem to have little say in. You are also feeling a lack of energy and are spiralling down with all the heavy weight of the unsurmountable problems. Furthermore, you are tired from having the baby recently. I am very sorry that you feel so utterly lost.<P>Please see a counsellor together with your husband or a church pastor trained in marital counselling. Apart from the problems within your marriage, the following issues would need to be addressed at the sessions: trust, communications, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, responsibility, the future, commitment and love.<P>If you can, click on FIND and type in NSR and the title BOOKS for a list of recommended readings that will help you clear your head and heart a little. You can also go find NSR and NOTABLE POSTS/THREADS to read some discussions that may meet your needs as and when you feel you need to hear different perspectives of a certain problem.<P>I hope you get sufficient rest and proper food so that you can keep a more positive outlook on life as well as look after your family well.<P>God Bless You<BR>Take care<BR>weep<BR>

I thank those who replied to my post. Today, started out good, and is ending bad. Talked to OW today. This is confusing but I will try to make sense. The last time my H was with her was in Jan the 2Oth to be exact. So she told me, a while ago. This he denies to no end. Today, it came up agian.. I got details, how they did it everyway you can think of..so on and so on..Yeah, it ripped my heart out, so to speak. I am not sure why I listen to this, the only thing I can think of is my fear of him going back there. Seems to me everytime I break off contact with her, he sees her. I know this contact is tearing me apart, but I can't stop. Its the hope that maybe, she will say, no he dont want me, no I don't see him, and most of all no this didn't happen. Its all a big joke..got ya. My H and I are in counceling, he acts as though everything is great, but, If I bring up this issue outside of counceling, I am dwelling, and I am crazy and so on. He wants the past to be in the past. But, I ask this one question, How can you forgive, what you don't know? I don't know why it is so important to me to know the last time they were togeather, well, that I know, but for him to tell me. Isn't it wrong that he still holds his little secrets? He wants me to forgive and forget unconditionally, but he can't even give me this. Am I out of line?

Noodles,<BR>You are NOT asking too much. If he really wants to be with you he must agree to do it on YOUR terms. I know it sounds harsh but what you have to decide what you want. You sound like you wouldn't stay if you had a way out. IMHO there are always ways out if you can find the courage and strength.<BR>In order for there to be any kind of healing from this kind of thing he must be trully remorseful. (You WILL know when he is.)<BR>My H had 2 affairs 5 yrs ago and i let him off the hook by not holding him accountable for his actions. I was too scared I would loose him. I have regreted that for about 7mths now. I recieved paternity papers one evening before he got home from work. The OW was one of the OW from before. I never should have believed him that he would never do it again. He would never say that he wouldn't do it unless I asked him to say it.<BR>Now we are facing a lifetime of CS.<BR>This D-day was so different. He seemed totally horrified at the prospect of losing me and our sons. I set up a very specific list of things I needed him to do before I would even think about taking him back. The most important thing was time for me to be angry. He has never told me directly or indirectly that I needed to get over it. We went into counseling and everything about who he is has changed. He is also in individual counseling. Total honesty is a must. Past honesty, present honesty, and furture honesty. That is from "Surviving an Affair" A DR. Harley book.<BR>It is obvious that you need closure on this and the person you need help from is your H. Tell him that it is like an infected wound. You have to open it up and let all the poison out before you can properly heal.<BR>I pray that i have helped you. Pray for wisdom and God WILL give it to you.<BR>Ladygirl

Another excellent book that helped us greatly is "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring. She does a great job of addressing each spouses' feelings without degrading either, yet accurately describes WHY certain recovery things must happen for the marriage to move on, including the betrayer answering such questions honestly. That book was part of our map out of hell (advice re:OC had to come elsewhere).<P>Welcome and good luck!

<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: echo ]</p>

I do understand her side of this. He did lie to her about everything. Which none of us knew about till way late. This man I married had become nothing but a big liar, and really good at it. I have let go of the fact that it was her fault. She owed me no loyality, he did. It was him who was responsible to me. I feel no anger towards her, only sadness that she got involved in this mess of a mariage in the first place. Yes, we were separated for a year, because he abused me, and I had finally had enough. However, the whole time he was seeing me, and trying to work this out, and telling me that he loved me. I have read on this sight, about how men would go back and forth between the two, going to the highest bidder, so to say, well that is what he did. Without either one of us knowing it. He did live with this women for 3 mths or so, but told me it was because he no longer had money to keep his apartment, and she offered. Her brother was my H best friend. The whole time he was living with her, he would call, and tell me how much he loved me, and needed me, exactly everything I wanted to hear. But, I was not ready to take him back, I had hard time believing that he had changed. I did/do love my H, more than I care to admit, because admitting it makes me feel foolish. I told her about this site because, I thought she might get some use out of it also. Maybe it would help for others to hear her side. Not all of the OW are bad and evil, they are just like us, in love with our H.

Tryingtobestrong:<P>Don't take offense to "OW" as all it is are intials we use to determine who everyone is in the drama of life. I am BS (how would you like that one?) for Betrayed Spouse. My husband is WS for Wayward Spouse, the child born out of an affair that is not mine is called and OC for Other Child. They are not derrogatory initials, only a way for all of us in our typing frenzy to explain to the others here on this forum what and who everyone else is in the big scheme of things.<P>I take it you are the OW to "Noodles" BS?<P>Both of you have been lied to and deceived and it is gratifying that you are willing to work out the particulars in this situation. So, welcome.<P>Duranie is an OW who is a regular important component to our sad little group on this particular site. She will be able to give you sound, pragmatic advice as well as a look into the future.<P>Since you are both new to the forum, I hope you will both read all the information written by Dr. Harley on this site that will explain the principles we use to restore and repair our marriages as well as learn about many other relationship issues.<P>Stay strong, keep empathetic to each other's nightmare and you may find solutions.<P>Catnip =^^=<P>