I have been married for 5 years. We have two kids ages 3 and 4. I married my wife after dating her for 1 month. She was on a rebound at the time and had just had an abortion from her x-boyfried, 2nd one in 2 years. We got married because of my love of the unborn child. I just found out last night that during the time that we were dating she also had unprotected sex with her x-boyfriend. I wasn't even sure if I loved her when we got married but I knew that having an abortion was out of the question. I wouldn't have married her if the child was not mine and problably wouldn't have had the second one. I love the kids dearly but everytime I look at my oldest son the same question goes through my head. Did my wife use me and is my son really mine. It is even more difficult because I know that my youngest son is mine, a spitting image. Our relationship will grow apart because of the distrust. Should I get a DNA test or forgive my wife and live with the situation ? What will I say or do if I ever see the x-boyfriend? Does my wife still have feelings for that she won't tell me. I would like to get a divorce but the though of either one of us not being with the kids really tear me apart. I value the relationship the kids have with their mother and theirs with me. I could live without my wife at this time but not my kids. I am so confused but after 5 years of our relationship the truth really hurts.<P>Hopeless.

Love doesn't exist:<P>It's pretty apparent that you didn't get married under the best of circumstances. You say that you would like to get a divorce. Why? It's probably because you're not "in love" with your wife.<P>If you read the MarriageBuilder's website, you'll find that Harley believes that most love (especially romantic love) is conditional. In other words, if our spouse's aren't meeting our conditions for love (our emotional needs), we'll fall out of love with them. The good news is that because love is conditional, if our spouse learns to meet those conditions, we'll fall back in love with them.<P>You have a quandry. You say that you can't live without your children. If you file for divorce, it's highly unlikely that you'll be awarded physical custody of your children. Unless your wife is an abusive mother, an addict, or a serial killer, it's unlikely that she'll lose a custody fight. And if your first-born ISN'T your biological child (and this comes up in DNA testing), you'll be very unlikely to get custody. But you most likely will be responsible for child support.<P>My opinion of your situation would be for you and your wife to rebuild your marriage, and develop a deep love for one another. Harley's philosophies on building romantic love can do just that, if you learn the skills necessary. I would highly suggest that you look over all the material here; from the basic concepts to the question and answer columns. Harley's books are excellent, and depending on where your marriage is at, I'd probably suggest <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Give and Take</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>His Needs/Her Needs</A> as the three books for you to read. In reading these books, you'll discover the details of Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>, and you'll see how the rules of Protection, Care, Time and Honesty can create a great marriage (and how the absence of these can create problems like you're facing now). <P>Finally, if you need help with executing a plan, I highly recommend the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>phone counseling</A> offered by MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). I've counseled with Steve Harley extensively, and my wife is counseling with Jennifer Harley Chalmers (these two are Dr. Harley's children). They're both terrific.<P>My take on your situation is that you love your kids, even if one may not be yours biologically. What you're unhappy with appears to be the state of your marriage. I think that if the two of you can work on your marriage and build something terrific out of it, most of your issues will be resolved. It's going to take time and effort---and you may have to be the one doing most of the rebuilding at first (solely because you're here looking for help), but you can be successful.<P>My wife and I have recovered our marriage through an affair which resulted in a pregnancy, so my third child isn't "biologically" mine either. It's not an issue for me: I love him as much as my other two (maybe a tiny bit more---but we won't tell the other kids... ). The issue I had was the state of the marriage. I worked very hard, under Steve Harley's guidance, to work through my wife's affair, even while she did "nothing" other than continue the affair. Our marriage was in a pretty bad state. But this stuff can really work wonders: and although it's been a long process (my 3rd D-day anniversary is approaching)), it's very rewarding.<P>I suggest that you try. It gives you the best chance to demonstrate your love and committment to your children. It also has the pleasant side effect of being the best for YOUR happiness, if you're successful.<P>

I have read your post, and wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply to mine. My heart went out to you, for I only have to deal with it every other weekend or whatever they decied. You have to do it every day. I commend you for that it takes a special person to put thier needs aside for the love of a child. One thing I always tell myself is that the child is an innocent victim in all of this. I have went with my husband to see the OW child. He is a boy, same as mine, and when I looked in his sweet face, it made me sad, and feel selfish. I don't think you need to apologize for men, because not all men are like this. You showed me this today, after recieving your message. I don't know how to deal with the distrust issue, as I am dealing with the same, as we speak. As for the issue of the ex. I found it easier to become friends so to speak. I know this sounds odd, but I don't see any other way.I know the child is his, and we as a couple are going to have to deal with the mother for the rest of our married life. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it does seem to give me some peace. And that same peaces seems to help alot at this stage. I think. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Love doesn't exist:<BR><B>I have been married for 5 years. We have two kids ages 3 and 4. I married my wife after dating her for 1 month. She was on a rebound at the time and had just had an abortion from her x-boyfried, 2nd one in 2 years. We got married because of my love of the unborn child. I just found out last night that during the time that we were dating she also had unprotected sex with her x-boyfriend. I wasn't even sure if I loved her when we got married but I knew that having an abortion was out of the question. I wouldn't have married her if the child was not mine and problably wouldn't have had the second one. I love the kids dearly but everytime I look at my oldest son the same question goes through my head. Did my wife use me and is my son really mine. It is even more difficult because I know that my youngest son is mine, a spitting image. Our relationship will grow apart because of the distrust. Should I get a DNA test or forgive my wife and live with the situation ? What will I say or do if I ever see the x-boyfriend? Does my wife still have feelings for that she won't tell me. I would like to get a divorce but the though of either one of us not being with the kids really tear me apart. I value the relationship the kids have with their mother and theirs with me. I could live without my wife at this time but not my kids. I am so confused but after 5 years of our relationship the truth really hurts.<P>Hopeless. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear LDE:<P>I am so sorry you are here but glad you are a part of our group. You will find it invaluable to your recovery and decision making process.<P>K has had so much experience and he has such a huge heart and is the voice of reason in an unreasonable situation. Please keep posting and coming here. you've come to the right place.<P>Catnip =^^=