I do understand the need, in most of these circumstances, for the H and the OW to have no contact, thereby minimizing contact with the OC. They created the boundaries of their misery by knowingly having an extramarital affair. Like anyone else, they must suffer the consequences of their actions. BUT, what if the OW did not know he was married until after she conceived? What if the man is the one that lied and deceived? What if, at the time of initial involvement, the H and W were having marital problems and she was filing for divorce? What if, after the W's discovery of her H's indiscretion, she decides she wants to keep him after all? What if the OW had gone into the relationship with the man with an open heart, feeling strongly for him and thinking she had the right to do so (not knowing he had avowed himself to another)? What if the W and the OW were both victims of the H atrocious behavior? There are so many "what if's" in my situation. I've been lurking here for a few weeks and, while I do understand the anger and the grief I see here, it really breaks my heart to know that this is what I and my child will have to contend with soon. I'm due in 6 weeks and have had no contact with "them" since June….which is for the best, I know. My biggest question is "how can this be fair; how can this be just?" I didn't know he was married until it was too late. I'm a grown woman and I'll take my punishment, but does my child really deserve this kind of bitterness and anger. I can see the need for boundaries in most of the scenarios I've read, but I'm having difficulty seeing how they apply to me and my child. I guess I'm on a down today. It just seems so unfair. I didn't pursue an affair with a married man, and yet me and my baby will have to suffer the consequences of his selfish actions. Yes, I chose to have my baby, but this baby was conceived during a time when it was just "him and me" in our own little world. I had no knowledge of his wife or his "real” life. It's almost like I was the fantasy and therefore condemned to a surreal existence….never having what I thought was going to be. I know I have no claim to him….he's married and therefore off limits. I have no desire to willingly subject myself to that kind of pain anyway. Beside, this isn't about me. This is about my baby. How can this man live with the knowledge of what he's done? His machinations resulted in a child. A child that he has, in essence, abandoned. I can sit here and lament about how I didn't know; it's not fair; this isn't right; he lied to me. I recognize his wife's right to set boundaries because of what he did. But because of HOW he did it, doesn't that change anything? I'm not asking her to share her husband with me. I don't want him. But my baby….isn't he entitled to a father? In one breath I say how awful he is and then go on about how I want him to be involved in my baby's life. I wonder about my own sanity. I have to admit, grudgingly, that he's a good man….he just wasn't good to me. I don't know….maybe I'm just rambling here. I ponder these issues a lot. I think of my situation as different from the other OW/OC stories. I like to think that I'm a little better than a lot of the OW who have knowingly and willingly involved themselves with men they were not entitled to. If I have only known he was married….. believe it or not, I have principals that I live by. I try to live my life as best I can and to not cause harm to others. I guess I failed miserably. Anyway, I'm losing track of what I'm saying. Too many thoughts going through my head. I hope I didn't upset anyone….you ladies have been through enough.

ohbratti1, I am in the same situation as you, only on the other end, I am the W. My H did as you described to the OW. No its not fair. I can speak only for me when I say this. In the beginning it was easier for me to blame the OW than my H. That way I didn't have to focus on the fact that there might actually be something I did to turn him to OW. My H also got OW pregnant. You might want to read my post Questionable Sainity after this. I actually told the OW about this forum. She and I communicate, she also was lied to and used the same as I. I personally, came to the conclusion that an innocent child should not go fatherless because of selfish behavior. Children should not suffer for the sins of their parnets.<BR>

Dear Obratti1:<P>I completely understand how you feel. You are not to blame because you did not know. The same exact thing happened to me 32 years ago. Because I had such empathy for the wife and so heartbroken over what the MM did to me, I dropped out of sight for 6 months. Upon discovery that my lover was married, I refused contact with him and never spoke to him again.<P>When my son was born, I put him up for adoption so that he would have the opportunity to have the love and advantages of a two parent household. It was the most heartbreaking decision I have ever made. However, in 1987, I received a phone call from my bio son who was in the Navy and on leave. I had kept up my records with Social Services so that he could contact me should he ever decide he would want to.<P>The reunion was everything I had dreamt of for all those years. I met him at the airport and I remember watching the passengers come down the tunnel toward me. It was like a half a block or more from me. It was funny. Even though we had never met, we recognized each other in that huge crowd and everything else dimished around us. It was the most incredible reunion. The tears and warmth, his sweetness, understanding, compassion and gratitude that he had been raised by his parents was something I will always, always remember.<P>Over the past 13 years, his family have embraced me. I am like an aunt, included in family affairs and functions. I go sometimes, but limit my contact to make sure his Mom doesn't feel threatened. As a result, she is warm and giving to me and appreciates that I don't take advantage. In fact she often scolds me for not keeping in better contact, tells me she and her husband miss having me around and updates me on our son and his new daughter.<P>I wish I could explain to you the devastation of that decision all those years ago that turned into such a miracle and such a blessing for me, my bio son, his wonderful, loving and giving parents, and their gratitude to me for doing something for my son and for them, that changed and illuminated their lives forever.<P>My MM's wife never knew of me, she was spared the angst, heartache and destruction of her marriage. The MM never knew he had a son and died in 1994 of cancer.<P>Even though I agonized over my decision for 18 years, it was something I had to endure for my son's benefit. Even though I did not know my lover was married, I remember the regret and remorse I felt for his wife.<P>I hate to say this, because I know women today keep their children rather than give them up for adoption, but the most unselfish thing to do is to give a child a decent, loving two-parent family, regardless of what the bio mother wants. This is simply my own opinion, because I have been there and share the identical situation you are in....all those years ago.<P>I had a happy ending, you can too. So can your child. So can the innocent wife.<P>Love and blessings,<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 10, 2000).]

Catnip,<P>You made a selfless choice for the better good, and it worked out well for you. I can't begin to imagine the sacrifice and heartache you suffered. You endured something that I don't think I'm strong enough to handle. I have a lot of love for this child and I have the means with which to support him properly. It may not be an ideal situation, but I don't think it's an impossible one. Mistakes were made and I don't know if I'm willing to suffer anymore heartache because of what this man did (or didn't do). I wish no harm to his wife and would willingly take back the pain I caused her, but (and it's a big "but") I've drawn the line. I will not sacrifice myself to try and make right what her husband did. That's not for me to do. He needs to stand up and make amends for the wrong he did. I believe I'm a valuable person and have a lot to give this baby of mine. Single/married, I know I have the strength to get through the hurdles ahead and give my son a wonderful opportunity to live his life to the best. I'm 30 years old and am painfully aware of my "options". I made an informed decision and I guess I just have take the good with the bad. I know nothing is perfect….but that doesn't stop me from crying at the injustice. I want the best for my baby. I just can't rid myself of the selfish desire to be the one to give him the "best". I don't think that adoption is something I could survive….I'm strong, but not that strong.<P>Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience with me. Stories like yours bring tears to my eyes. I know you had a happy ending, but it's so hard to look past the pain you must have gone through to get there.<P>P.S.<BR>I've read a lot of your posts, and, Lady, you've got a lot of spunk!! The sorry-a** OW that crossed you MUST have been out of her mind. A righteous fight is never lost. Buena suerte!<BR>

Noodles,<P>I just read your post. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to cover it. You have a generous heart. That generous heart will be the cause of pain at times, but overall, the good you feel and the peace of mind you get, from knowing you did what you felt was right, will be a great comfort. At the end of life, you obtain your resting peace from the good deeds you did. The bad deeds will haunt you. Sounds a little preachy, huh? It's something I firmly believe. I truly wish that the wife in my story was a little more open-hearted, but I can't blame her. She has a lot of hurt and bitterness to work through. You see, they don't have any children. She lost her baby in her 7th month of pregnancy and has not been able to conceive since. I'm sure that my pregnancy is a big slap in the face. I regret that. She really doesn't deserve any of this pain. But how can a stranger expect/demand that I destroy something that I love so that she can be happy? How can I choose her happiness over mine? I know she didn't do anything wrong, but neither did I. To me it's not as simple as an outpatient procedure. She was asking me to end the life of my child. I'm going off on a tangent here. Noodles, thank you for your kind words. It's amazing how the kindness of a stranger can mean so much.<BR>

Dear ohbratti1,<P>Like you, I believe that I have feelings that are not the "norm" for women in my situation. I do NOT excuse my H for what he did. <P>The story of the ex-OW in my life is very similar to yours. My H lied to her. Told her he loved her. Made her believe that they had a future together. And, then when she told him (happily) of the pregnancy, he ran out of there like she had set fire to him.<P>I include my H in my anger over the situation and I do not and cannot honestly direct all of my disgust towards the OW. I have chosen to forgive my H for what he did, but I will never forget and this incident has changed my life forever.<P>I have been agonizing over what to do about the OC because I realize - just as you said - that whatever happened between the two consenting (although not thinking) adults has absolutely nothing to do with the child. But, once you decide to forgive - regardless of the situation - the next step is rebuilding the relationship. <P>We, the married women, took vows that said what God has joined together let no man put asunder. That vow means to me that no one should come between H and W, including children -- even our own children. As an example, if my children grew up and were addicted to drugs - were stealing money and property from me to pay for their habit - there would come a point when I would have to say enough is enough and cut them out of my life for my own sake.<P>It is next to impossible for some women to rebuild the marriage relationship when you are being confronted daily with the reminder of what tore your marriage apart. That is why some choose to exclude the OC from their lives altogether.<P>Do we sound selfish? Yes, we do. But, unless we are selfish we will never be able to rebuild our marriages. And, you forget that in many of our cases, our children are involved too.<P>As Catnip said, you have a choice now. If you feel that your child's life will be seriously disadvantaged unless he or she is part of a two-parent family, then adoption is a painful but serious option.<P>Like Catnip, I speak with authority. Today is the birthday of the baby girl that I gave up for adoption twenty years ago. I was single and very young. I loved that baby growing inside me more than life at the time. But, I felt that I could not give her the kind of life that she deserved. It took all of my courage to sign my baby over to another family. <P>I was able to keep track of her from a distance and she grew up in a stable, two parent home with a younger brother that she adores. I did what I did because I put that child's best interests first and put my need to mother second. I put my faith in God that there would be another child for me to raise when the conditions were correct and I could give that child the life every single child on this planet deserves. <P>But, now I have two beautiful kids who were planned, who are loved by both of their parents and who are growing up in a traditional stable environment.<P>If you do feel that you can give your baby everything she or he deserves then you should choose to be a single parent but understand that is your choice. The father is not asking to be a parent to your child right now and the fact that he does not have a choice is just as wrong in my eyes as your belief that choosing not to be a part of the OC's life is wrong.<P>Looking at it another way, what would my H actually contribute to the life of the OC? Stolen moments on weekends? Endless questions from the OC about why she does not live the same kind of life as his other children? Would you really want your child to spend Christmas with my family while you spend Christmas alone? You could not expect any man to abandon his marital family on holidays. Endless hurtful questions from friends and relatives to your child about why his or her father does not live with you?<P>I am sorry if I have been long winded and I am certainly not trying to criticize. My favorite expression about this group is that "we are all finding our way". There are no right answers and no easy answers. Talking to each other helps us to see the good and bad sides of each of our problems.<P>I know you are not in an easy situation either and your emotional state must be just as bad as the wives in this group. The best thing you can do is to relax as much as you can and think deeply -- not only about what you want -- but what is really best for your child. It will not be an easy road raising a child by yourself. But, if you decide that is the road you want to take, you have my deepest respect and my best wishes.<P>I will include you in my prayers and pray that God grants you the ability to see clearly what will bring you future happiness.<P>- Heavenly

ohbratti1,<P>I really don't want to sound harsh, but your posts that you are an innocent victim as is your child bother me. You see the institution of marriage was really built to support and raise children. You were not an innocent victim, you could have waited until you married OM, then the chances of your child being born into the current situation would be very small.<P>You played a game. You thought if it feels right go with it. You did not try and properly protect your child, via the legally binding laws of marriage or even the social rules of marriage. You took a hugh risk and your child lost. Yes, OM lied. But he couldn't have lied had you insisted upon marriage before conceiving children.<P>I am not some stick in the mud, but your protests of innocence bother me. Your OM was a jerk. But your decisions have placed your child at a severe disadvantage for most of its life. Don't believe me? Check out the statistics on children raised in a single parent home, especially boys.<P>Please, realize your role. And then when your son become old enough, explain to him about the cause and effect relationship of making bad decisions and not protecting the innocent: Neither you or OM did that.<P>God Bless You and Your Child,<P>JL

To say that my views are not traditional is a major understatement. I don't follow convention. I do what I believe in my heart is right and will not cause harm to others. I will sacrifice…to a certain extent. When the sacrifice becomes unbearable or detrimental to my well-being, I stop and take care of me. For the most part, I try to set aside my own feelings and look at what is right. I'm not married and have no desire to be at this point in my life. I was raised as a Catholic and know full well about religious vows, sanctity of marriage, atonement, etc. I also know about the spouse being first, above all others. Before marriage, it was honor thy parents. After marriage, the parent was replaced by the spouse…so to speak. I've never been able to accept that. I'm a child advocate and have never been able to accept that an adult's needs would be placed before the needs of a child. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but, to me, that's what it boils down to. The adults in my situation have all done wrong, to one degree or another. The child (my baby) I believe, should be spared from as much of this as possible. I don't believe that a two-parent household is the only arena under which a child can prosper. I don't doubt my ability to provide what my child needs to be a successful person. I only wish, as I'm sure most parents do, that I could give more. It's easy to say that "he" had no choice in becoming a parent. In my eyes we opened that Pandora's box when we became sexually intimate. Regardless of the precautions taken, we both knew that pregnancy is always a possibility, no matter how minimal. To claim now that he doesn't want to be a dad, is a little to late….don't you think? Just like I couldn't terminate my pregnancy because "uh oh, I changed my mind". "I changed my mind" isn't good enough…for either one of us. That's like pointing a loaded gun at someone, and shooting them. After the fact, of course you regret it, but do you think that "I didn't mean to shoot him" is going to cut it? No way! You should have never picked up the gun in the first place. Heavenly, you and Catnip made extremely difficult choices because you felt in your heart that it was the best thing to do. I have a lot of respect and admiration for you because of that. I just don't see it as the best choice for me. Reality dictates that nothing is perfect, but that shouldn't stop me from hoping….should it?<P>Sheesh, I just read what I wrote and it seems a little strong. I'm not going to edit it though, because this is what I believe. I hope I don't offend anyone.<BR>

It pains me so that the Wife lost her child and cannot have another child with her own husband. Having to have constant contact with you or the OC will surely be the most difficult thing she has ever endured. I cannot have contact with the OC in our lives...not now, probably not ever. My husband's first responsibility is to me and to our marriage.<P>I am unable to have a child with my husband. I married him when I was 29 after having a partial hystectomy at 27. That this stranger is able to have my husband's child is a nightmare I cannot wake up from...the pain is indescribable and I'm still reeling, still haunted. I hate it. <P>Since you are able to provide for the child on your own, and you are determined to keep it, then I hope you will do so without involving this woman's husband into your lives and accept beforehand that this child will probably never know it's father. I hope you do not expect involvement if it is not agreed upon between the MM and his W. <P>No, you did not know he was married, he was a skunk, but if you keep this child you will be impacting the lives of other people who had nothing to do with what you and this man did in bed, or had any choice or any say in the decision making process or the outcome of this tragedy (I am sorry, but this is a tragedy to those of us on the receiving end). <P>I know if I would have kept my son, neither MM or his W would have ever known about it. But, at 19 I was not in the financial position or emotionally stable enough to care for a child on my own.<P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=<P>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 10, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 10, 2000).]

Just Learning,<P>Your statement that you don't mean to sound harsh, bothers me, because that is exactly how you have come across…harsh and judgmental. But that's just my perception. I have not and will not claim innocence. I have taken ownership for my actions and have apologized to those who deserve an apology (his wife). What I'm whining about is the unfairness of the situation. And I very much resent your calling this a game. I played no games. I was honest and up front about everything with this man. I was in, what I thought, was a serious relationship. Don't mistake me for an uneducated person. I know about statistics. Why don't you check out that statistics on how many children of two-parent households grow up to be, for lack of a better term, losers? Your life starts with circumstance, but it depends on what you do with those circumstances that will dictate what will become of your life. I have a full realization of what my role is and I have every intention of teaching my child to be a honest, compassionate young man with strength of character and the ability to recognize that people are fallible…and that some people will judge you based on where or what you come from and not who YOU really are. My son will know that this falls under human fallibility and that he can and will overcome that shortsightedness. <P>Just Learning, I don't agree with what you've said in your response, but I do respect it. Being and thinking differently is what makes the human race what it is. No one person is 100% right. Thank you for your blessing. I know this is a very touchy subject.<BR>

Obratti1:<P>Please don't take offense. This is such a volitle subject because of the profound pain everyone feels. <P>The fact that you did not know your lover was married does mean a great deal. <P>Looking back, do you think you would have ended the relationship as soon as you found out he was married or do you think you would have continued? I'm just curious.<P>There are so many things for you to consider. You sound like an intelligent woman. I wish you and your child the best.<P>Catnip =^^=

Catnip,<P>I'm learning the reality of my situation. I'm not really expecting anything from him or her. Reality and my ideology are crashing big time over this. It just seems so impossible some times. I don't want to hurt anyone. Ideally, my baby and I could just fade away, but the reality is that their marriage is on shaky ground…it was before I came into the picture. His wife has told me that divorce is a very real possibility. If they do divorce, where does that leave my child with respect to the "father"? What guarantee do I have that he will leave us alone? I would much rather get the legalities (custody) taken care of before anything happens. I would never deny him his child, but I do want the assurance that he cannot just walk away with my son. Better safe than sorry. I really am trying to keep it as painless as possible without being stupid. As for child support, as that topic will surely come up, his wife has told me that he wants to provide for his child, so I will let them work that out with the judge. It's unavoidable. In my state I can't file for custody without having child support addressed. The two go hand in hand. The best I can do is leave it alone and then agree to whatever he says. The judge will have the final say so. I don't know what else I can do. I've capitulated on just about everything his wife has asked of me. I've tried my best to be accommodating with regard to her questions and her fears, but I need to look out for myself and my baby, too. I do not expect him to have a father/son relationship with my child, but it would be negligent of me to not recognize that, while I can provide a good home, not having dad around will have an unforeseen impact on my child. I guess that's where it falls on me to make the best of a bad situation. I'm up to the challenge.<P>Posting on this board has really helped me today. It has stirred me up and reminded me of who I am and what I can do. I've been defensive with some, which has given the most benefit. It reminded me of what was important to me. I can't control everything in my life, so I have to make the best of what I can and leave the rest behind. I want to thank everyone that has responded…especially Still Learning. I got so riled up over your words that it took a little while to see that I had stopped feeling sorry for myself and refocused on my priorities. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I'm sorry for the way I responded to you.<BR>

Catnip,<P>I walked away from the relationship as soon as I found out he was married. I have not seen him since. It was one of the most painful things I had to do. I do love him, but I know that I have no right to be with him. The love I have for him has been shut away and will not have any room in my life. This is something that his wife does not know. I wonder if this decision was the right one. I just don't see the benefit in telling her I still have strong feelings for her husband. I know myself enough to know that those feelings will never be allowed to surface again. Telling her would only hurt her and make her more fearful. Am I right or wrong in thinking this? I may not want to be married, but I do respect the sanctity of marriage. If I had known he was married before I got involved with him, he would have never been more than a casual friend. Like I said, I do have principals that I live by, and am very unyielding when it comes to doing what I know is right. His wife was living in another state and there really weren't any red flags that might let me know of her existence. <P>There is so much more to this story. I could go on for hours….<BR>

ohbratti1,<P>Harsh, I'll admit to. Judgemental no! I didn't post to judge you nor have I made any judgements. My assessment is you violated a fundamental reason that there are contracts, societal rules, and yes even marriage. People lie! People cheat! And because of that other people get hurt. You had/have the choice to be unconventional, but your child had/has no choice.<P>So where is the fairness in your situation? There isn't any. The OM is simply a jerk. His W is devastated and you are pregnant with his child. Two of the four people here had a choice. His W and your child didn't. Now we can argue (actually I won't argue) about how much who is to blame, but the only you had control of yourself and you didn't take the appropriate precautions (I am not talking about birth control).<P>So yes OM is a jerk. But really your initial post <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> do understand the need, in most of these circumstances, for the H and the OW to have no contact, thereby minimizing contact with the OC. They created the boundaries of their misery by knowingly having an extramarital affair. Like anyone else, they must suffer the consequences of their actions. BUT, what if the OW did not know he was married until after she conceived? What if the man is the one that lied and deceived? What if, at the time of initial involvement, the H and W were<BR>having marital problems and she was filing for divorce? What if, <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>made it seem as if your ignorance somehow means that OM and his W (particularly his W) should not set barriers. She should not try and protect her marriage (whatever is left of it) from contact with you and your child.<P>I realize you are confused and deeply hurt by what is to you a betrayal by the OM. Your confusion is evident, in your desire to have OM play a role in your childs life and then say that single parents do a great job of raising children. Why do you want him in your life if you don't want something else? Do you see why his W just might be leery of this situation? But it is time to realize you didn't do much to protect yourself and now your child. <P>I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. There is no reason. The events have happened and there is no going back. I would like to see your anguish reduced. Who knows what the future will bring, but realize this the future always has a bit better prospect if one does take things in the proper order.<P>Even now it is more important that you take care of yourself, than it is that OM is in childs life. It is more important that you reach acceptance of the situation and quit wondering what if, because your health, mental and physical, is very important to the health of the baby. I am sure you know this. <P>ohbratti1, you and OM made some terrible mistakes. Some of them can be overcome, others will never go away. Quit wondering what if. You may yet get the chance to be with OM, if his and your affair has damaged his W enough. I am sure she is pretty well destroyed right now.<P>ohbratti1, this whole thing is a hugh mess. As you can tell, from reading here there are no miracle cures. Just people dealing with their pain as best they can. That is why this site is here. For people to get feed back on their thinking. Support when they are hurting and mostly to learn how to deal with what life has dealt them.<P>Please don't take my comments as encouraging you to leave this site. Please do take may comments as an attempt to keep you from deluding yourself about what happened. Whether you do or don't, I cannot control.<P>I surely do hope that you find help and solace in your near future and I hope the people here can help you. They will try.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I feel where you are coming from I too was lied to but lived with him and had 2children. It is a hard i'm living like a single parent except for the fact that he is in their life and is a great father despite his wife's objections he believes children come first as they are blood and will always be around. My kids are happy and well adjusted it is painful and a hard choice but to me very well worth it. If you ever need to talk email me at anolasco@onebox.com

Just Learning (I messed up your name in my previous post…sorry),<P>I know we won't see eye to eye on everything, but I do agree with a lot of what you said on your last response. I am the one that posted here, thereby opening the door for all comments and "assessments". There was and is no rule stating that you can only respond if you say what I want to hear. To say that I'm confused is an understatement. I do not want to pursue a relationship with the man, married or not, because there is no trust. He deliberately lied to me from the onset of our relationship. And yet, I want to provide every opportunity for my child, which includes a relationship with his father. I don't doubt my ability to be a good single parent, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that I can and will be everything for my child. My love is limitless, but my abilities are not. For all I know, he may turn out to be a terrible father, but I'll never know unless I keep that door open. Like you said, there is no going back. Believe you me, I have no delusions about what transpired. But facing reality does not mean I can't think about the "whys", "how comes", and "what ifs". My original intention for posting was to question the justice in "punishing" the OC for the parent's mistakes, but then I got caught up in my own pity party. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective, but it's sure tough.<BR>

<P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited October 10, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by catnip:<BR><B>[QUOTE]Originally posted by ohbratti1:<BR>"Ideally, my baby and I could just fade away, but the reality is that their marriage is on shaky ground…it was before I came into the picture. His wife has told me that divorce is a very real possibility."<P>All Wayward Husbands tell their OW that their marriage is on shaky ground...way before the OW came into the picture. It is many times "news" to the Wife. She may be in tune to the distance or rejection or change in her spouse (I was) but never thinking it was something so serious other than a minor 'hiccup' in the marraige to be gotten through like everything else.<P>When a Betrayed Spouse suddenly hears the most painful and horrific news of their lives, their first impulse is to cry 'divorce'...when the tears and agony lift a little, they are able to think through whether or not they want to throw away all that history, all those incredible times together, all those memories and specialness that was just theirs and theirs alone. I know I couldn't do it. I tried, I cried 'divorce', in fact he even called OW to tell her I was letting him go so that they could be married because I told him it was for the best. Then I thought, "This is nuts! This is MY husband, not hers. This is MY life, not hers..." I told my husband I had changed my mind and the look of relief that swept over his face was the most incredible transformation I had ever seen. He then asked what it would take to let him come home. He promised he would court me, make it all up to me, fix things...you know the drill. On our good days that has happened but reality is that there have been some dark days and lots of struggles. But we move forward.<P> <BR>"As for child support, as that topic will surely come up, his wife has told me that he wants to provide for his child, so I will let them work that out with the judge. It's unavoidable. In my state I can't file for custody without having child support addressed. The two go hand in hand."<P>No court in the country would take your child from you unless you are a drug addict or a serial killer...there is no reason for you to file for custody when you have it already. He probably won't file for custody because his Wife most likely doesn't want anything to do with the child and he won't go after custody if he is suddenly alone because men as a rule do not take care of children as a mommy would. So, it IS avoidable. The courts will not go after support if you don't need to file for custody, because you do not have to. Then his wife will be spared the pain of DNA tests, lawsuits, trips to court and the agony of seeing you and the child. And her finanical life won't have to be altered dramatically since you have the means to support yourself and the child. Perhaps you can discuss with her a fair and reasonable amount and she can implement it with her husband to make sure the monthly support check is sent without you dragging her into court, because he should pay something.<P>"I'm up to the challenge."<P>You sound like you are...very strong. You are to be commended.<P>Catnip =^^=<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

God, Catnip, I wish it were the way you described. My story has so many twists and turns (at least in my eyes). In the numerous conversations with his wife, up until late June, she said so many things that I'm afraid to just "take it on faith". She cannot have children and, maybe it was just crazy talk, made reference to my baby being with her. She has asked for a paternity test because she needs to know if this baby is really his. Those are her words…"I need to know". So, I agreed. She has also rambled about how he loves children, but she won't allow him to pursue a relationship with this child because she can't tolerate it. It's been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. She told me their marriage was shaky before the affair, but that she's not willing to lose him to me (huh?). She doesn't know how he feels about me. Here's another twist, he's in the military in a very public position. In one breath she tells me he wants nothing to do with this child and in the next breath she tells me he loves kids and wants to do right by his child, thereby paying child support and visiting when I allow it. You wanna talk about doing a double take. I'm still scratching my head over that one. So, anyway, the paternity test has been set up because she wants to know without any doubt. I willingly agreed and I will honor that. However, if there is going to be official documentation stating that he is the biological father, I want to ensure, legally, that I get sole custody before anyone changes their mind, and we end up in a big court battle. In California, I do not and will not have legal custody unless I get a court order stating so. I want to keep everything up front and legal. I've learned the hard way that playing dumb and hoping something will "just go away" will usually end up costing a lot more than if you had just followed the correct steps in the first place.

ohbratti,<BR>You asked for opinions and I'm giving you one. As a wife two years down this road, I think the SECOND best thing you could do (the first being adoption) is find yourself a sweet-hearted, child-loving SINGLE man to marry and raise this child with you. Since that isn't an easy nor quick task, I hope you can find another man, such as brother or grandpa or uncle, who is willing to be a father-figure to your child. Even though I allow long-distance 'contact' with the OC/XOW, it is the ugliest thing I've ever had to deal with and I can't imagine it ever being a happy situation for ANY of us involved. ('Our' XOW DID know my H was married; she was my so-called close friend before she was his lover... I could go on and on about my anger about that, but it's not important to your case.) If you want a HAPPY childhood for your child, don't drag him or her into the lives of imbittered people who should best move on in their lives. IF your MM should DIVORCE his wife and want to play daddy before you've found a substitute, fine. But I cannot begin to help you feel the pain his Wife is feeling; I have lost 4 of my 6 pregnancies too. The last thing she needs is 18 years of seeing your child and being the go-between for you and her H, a necessity for the marriage; contact feels like a repeated stabbing knife-no joke. Darn few women are able to be "friends" with the XOW--(duh).<P>Let your precious innocent little one spend his/her time with people who can be FREE to LOVE it. Do you understand???? It NO longer matters that you didn't know he was married at the time. It adds to your hurt just as it adds to mine knowing that the XOW knew me and my children, but it is not important to this decision-making about what YOU are going to do. The MM basically has few rights left, and the wife none. The system will suck him (and his wife, depending on the state) for all the money it can and only whether or not to have any contact is left.<P>Having vented all that, the fact is that LEGALLY if the MM wants to play daddy and pays childsupport, you cannot refuse him visitation rights. But I can tell you sometimes I wish the XOW would make that decision for my H, because he wouldn't fight her legally.<P>I'm sorry you were lied to, but the ball is in your court now, honey. Make your decisions good ones. YOu are effecting many people for LIFE.<P>Sorry if this comes out bitter or strong, but it is a bitter and strong topic.