This is my first time posting here. I can't tell all of you how happy I was to find a group of people that can relate with what I'm going through. I found out about H , OW & OC just a little over 2 years ago. My H has no contact with OC and wants none. We do pay child support.<BR>My question is this, has anyone been able to find a lawyer that has the balls to stand up to the court system and fight these unfair child support guidelines. I would also like to sue OW if at all possible.<BR>I have always believed that forcing a man to pay child support on an unwanted child was unconstitutional. ( I felt this way before OC )<BR>For a woman, agreement to sex is not an agreement to parenthood. IT should not be for a man either. If a woman has an unwanted pregnancy she has 3 choices :<BR>1. She can have the baby and keep it.<BR>2. She can have the baby and put it up for adoption.<BR>3. She can have an abortion.<P>A man has 2 choices<BR>1. He can do what the judge tells him to do.<BR>2. He can go to jail.<P>Where is the justice or equality in that ??!!<P>I'm sorry if I am rambling but it feels so good to get this off my chest.<P>JCM

I'm with you. (not the abortion part) If the OW CHOSE to keep the child she should be responsible for all the childs needs. If my H had been given any say he would have said to put the child up for adoption. <BR>As for the sueing the OW ask Catnip. She is in the process of doing just that.<BR>Welcome to our family. <BR>Can I ask how you deal with the subject of the OC? My H and I are also paying support but have no contact. We just started this and I would like to know how you are dealing with it?

I guess we really don't deal with it. My H says as far as he is concerned it is HER kid. She lied to him about being on the pill, didn't tell him she was pregnant until after the child was born (she told him she didn't know she was pregnant)and he wants nothing to do with her or it. I have told him if he wants contact we will work with it but he says NO. All our energy has been focused on us and rebuilding our marriage. I must admit if he did want a relationship with the OC I don't know if I could handle it.<BR>JC

JCM:<P>I am in the process of suing the OW through a lawyer in Dallas, where the child was conceived.<P>I am out the door for the evening right now but will post more tomorrow with more information.<P>Catnip =^^=

My H also will have to pay cs and we'll soon know exactly how much. There won't be any contact with OC on his behalf either. That's more than o.k. with me. I wouldn't want it any other way. I know it would never work for us. OW in this case (and all cases, really), knew that my H was a married man (she was married, too) and knew that by keeping this child would mean not having a father. It was her choice. It was my H fault just as much, but as usual, the woman is always the main caregiver and in this case, the only caregiver. That's her problem. We're only obligated to pay child support, nothing more and I'm just fine with that. And you're not rambling...and if you were, we've all been guilty of that. Welcome to our unhappy group..but we're very happy to have you, so under these circumstances.<P><BR>Comfort

Comfort41,<P>Even though I have been dealing with this for 2 years now it still makes me so angry. The complete unfairness of the legal system tears my soul. These women have affairs with married men, try to destroy marriages and then commit legal extortion and all with blessings of the court system.<BR>Feel sorry for her and her kid ?! In a pigs eye. She knew my H was married, she knew he had children and she didn't give a rat's behind. She knew that if I found out about her and oc I would possibly leave my H and what that what do to my kids. She didn't care, in fact , she had her father call when the kid was 2 and tell me all about it. After all was in the open she sued for cs. After she got it ( a healthy little chunk of change plus medical insurance ) she quit a VERY good job because she didn't have to work anymore. AND THE COURT SAID THAT WAS GREAT. Then she had the child support increased to pay for day care. It kills me. I work a full time job and my kids do without so he can pay her.<P>JCM

JCM, I can't imagine having an OC in the picture, I still wonder if we'll get a call one day since they had unprotected sex. But he stopped seeing her a year ago, and there has been no call...<P>I'm glad you can come over here and talk to others in the same situation. I post over at General Questions II.<P>constance.

JCM,<P>I am sorry to welcome you to our group, but if you have been put in this situation there is not a better place out there to get the support, comfort and advice you need. Everyone here is wonderful.<P>BTW, why do you have to pay for daycare if OW doesnt work? Which messed up state is this?<P>God Bless...

JCM<BR> I'm also two years into trying to adjust to living with the knowledge of the affair and the reality of OC. I know EXACTLY how you feel because I feel the same way. I am in the process of searching for an attorney in my state (Indiana) who will represent me in a suit against the OW for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Pain and Intereference in the Family Relationship. As someone already told you, Catnip is doing just that in Texas, and I waiting to see how her case goes and hope I can use it as a precedent so that injured spouses can sue OW and OM who choose to become involved with a married person.<BR> As for finding attorneys with "the balls" to fight for what is right rather than what is financially lucrative --GOOD LUCK. I have been looking throughout Indiana for an attorney with "a pair" for 7 months, and haven't found one yet. (I'm beginning to think they all get neutered when they pass the state bar exam!) <P>The real problem is even if an attorney were successful in winning such a lawsuit (a TORT is the kind of lawsuit suing the OW or OM would be), it is unlikely that any money damages could be collected. It's different from filing a suit against someone if you slip on the ice on their front steps. Their homeowners insurance would pay and, of course, the attorney take his/her percentage. Attorneys are only too happy to take cases like that because they are assured of $$$ if they win...which they usually do. In this case, the OP would have to come up with the $$$ for the damages aawarded by the court, and adultery is not covered under homeowner or auto policies. Are you starting to get the picture? The bottom line is money. Period.<P>I have never dealt with attorneys before except for my will, and I now understand all the lawyer jokes I have ever heard. Generally speaking, lawyers are interested in the money far more than justice and deserve their reputations as slimy characters. There are exceptions, of course, but I haven't been able to locate one personally.<P>I have worked outside our home all my married life (26 years). Our children (who are now grown) had to sit at daycare because I had to work. In fact, we didn't have more children because we did not feel we could afford them. Now we get to pay the slut $800 a month for the next 18-20 years. H and I will be about 70 when OC is grown and our cs obligation ends, which means that we may not be able to retire. As a matter of fact, if I die at the age my mother was when she died, I won't even outlive the damn cs!<P> Besides that, H wants involvment in OC's life, so she is at our home every other weekend, half all holidays, weeks in the summer, and one weeknight every week. Meanwhile, OW, who has never worked outside the home and lives off her inheritance from her father and her H's life insurance (he committed suicide over her antics). So she gets to sit by her pool and "do lunch" with friends while H and I work our respective butts off and borrow money to get our youngest through his last year of college!<P>Get used to the fact the the legal system operates in favor of the mother al;most always. Although that is changing in some places, it is generally the case nationwide. No, there is no justice. Perhaps if there were, it would make this whole situation easier to live with. Not only have I lost faith in the person I thought I could trust most in the world, I have also learned that the "American justice system" in these matters is anything but just.<P>Sorry for sounding so bitter, but I wish I had realizes some of this long ago. I would have made different decisions.

anniem,<P>IMO, a large part of the injustice stems from two sources: (1) unfair and progressively excessive CS awards, and (2) a lack of substantive father's rights. I really believe a lot of problems would go away if CS amounts reflected reality and fathers had a presumption of 50% physical and legal custody.<P>Anyhow, the reason I was interested in your post is because you mentioned that you might not even outlive the CS. Interestingly, the SJC in Massachusetts recently ruled that a child retains a presumptive right to CS even after the death of the obligor. The net effect of this, as I understand it, is that OWs will now be "first in line" to the assets of the decedent's estate, before anyone else mentioned in a properly executed will. In Massachusetts, therefore, your husband couldn't even leave you his half of the marital assets until the OW got her CS "cut" first!<P>I'd like to say I was surprised when I heard that, but I wasn't actually. It merely fuels my cynicism.<P>Bystander<BR>--<BR>Who did not have the stomach to investigate the way Massachusetts calculates the time value of money in such cases.<p>[This message has been edited by Bystander (edited October 11, 2000).]

JCM:<P>You came to the right place to vent your frustrations and your anger.<P>I have successfully located an attorney in the Dallas area to take my case. <P>It was ironic how it happened. I had just received notice that the original phony Order for Protection (OFP) the OW slapped me with, had been lengthened from one year to three years simply because I had complied with the laws of the State of NY. <P>I had contacted her the first week after her first weekend with my husband, was warned about his mental illness and alcoholism and I pleaded with her not to see him again. She not only saw him again but deliberately set out to get pregnant as quickly as possible. <P>Their third (and final) weekend with my husband was spent in Dallas and resulted in (it's still hard for me to say the word) conception.<P>She immediately got an attorney when she was only 10 weeks pregnant, demanding $3000 per month and has been extremely aggressive ever since. It was clear she was in it for the money.<P>We were experiencing so many difficulties relating to my husband's mental state and then having to fly to NY for Family Court, the judge ordered $1500 per month child support. It nearly put me over the edge. Where were we going to get that kind of money? It was ludicrous. Something had to be done. We filed for divorce, we filed for bankruptcy and now we have begun a lawsuit against the OW. <P>When the OFP was lengthened, I got on the Internet and searched attorneys and came up with a list of attorneys in the Dallas area. It must have been Divine Providence because I started at the end of the list and chose this attorney for no particular reason. (I often read the last chapter in a book after reading the first four or five, too) I called him, if for no other reason, than to find if he knew someone in the area willing to consider taking my case. <P>As I explained the entire story, he became more and more interested, asked lots of questions and explained to me how this was a long shot but he believed I had a case and gave me his reasons. He also said he would be willing to take the case on a contingent basis even though he was aware the OW had no money, but this wasn't about money, this was about principle and he wanted to set a precedence and give it a shot.<P>My husband and I flew down to Dallas and spent the afternoon with him discussing options and signed the papers necessary to begin proceedings. The only thing holding it all up is my inability to pay the intial fee which I won't be able to do for a couple weeks. The rest is contingent.<P>I will post updates as they happen. However, I will not be online for a few days as I have some obligations to attend to, will be out of town and probably nothing much will happen for a couple weeks anyway.<P>Keep coming here, JCM, and keep posting. Everyone here is eager to welcome new members and offer advice and care. It's a healing place with love, guidance and plenty of empathy. <P>More later<P>Catnip =^^=

Bystander, <BR> Thank you for the update re :Mass law. It makes me sick, but unfortunately no longer surprises me. Please forgive this rude and tasteless remark, but it occurred to me as I was reading your post. "At least the OW can't say she's still getting screwed! The betrayed spouses are!!!"<BR> I have looked at how my state's laws re: what the OW and child are entitled to upon my H death. The OC has the same rights to his estate as our sons. As a result of that, I'm in the process of changing my will, life insurance, and retirement fund beneficiaries from my H to my sons, H will only inherit what law requires for surviving spouse. Hopefully, the boys will take care of their father financially if he needs it, but I haven't worked my entire life to have everything go to H whose estate OW has a claim to on behalf of the OC.<P>Don't misunderstand. I DO believe that he (we) have a financial responsibility to the OC. But as I mentioned, OW is financially secure without working, so it isn't as though the OC will do without anything without our money. <P>This whole money thing is SUCH a source of anger for me! It's not fair, not fair, not fair. I could have retired early in 5 years if I didn't have an OC and her whore mother to support. By the way, legal fees for us for the last 13 months have passed the $10,000 mark because OW has put up such a fuss about visitation. Honey, there ain't no justice!!

Anniem,<BR> Another thing you ought to do is get your husband to sign over any other jointly-held asset to you, such as your house, land, savings accounts, etc. You can leave the house to your sons, yet give your H a life estate (the right to live in the house as long as he chooses to or until his death).<BR> Something else you might want to check with your attorney about is setting up a trust fund which will provide the OC's support until he reaches the age of majority. That <B>MIGHT</B> protect any of your H's retirement assets, such as IRAs, etc. But, check with your attorney.<BR>

jcm, you hit the nail on the head. i quoted you in another post here. hope you don't mind. welcome, and sorry you are in this situation.<P>happy_girl