I am feeling rather frustrated today. What do you do when your H feels no remorse. Or none that I can see anyway. I am continually hearing things like, you feel bad, this don't even affect you really, or why do you dwell on this, the past is the past. How about when they have told you things were one way(ex. no I didn't do that with her, I am sure you all have heard it), and in a simple converstation it comes up to be a another way. Little things that mean nothing to him, tear me apart. And I feel like, I am being punished twice for his affair. Once, because of the fact he did it, and twice because of the fact that I get upset about it. Is this a stage that the men, go through? What should I do, leave? I have heard how I deserve this, I made him do it, and in the same breath how much he loves me. We are going to counceling, but it doesn't seem to be working, because the only time we even remotely touch on this is there. Other than that I am basically, told to be quite, he don't want to hear it. Does anyone have any advice?

I am not sure I would consider this advice but my H continually lied to me about the "little things". The way he viewed it was his crime was he had sex with someone else and he didnt see what diff it made that he told her he loved her and all the other "details".<BR>He never tried to verbally blame me but I was the only one trying to work on our marriage for about the first year. He was a complete a**! He couldnt deal with his own guilt. I couldnt truely forgive him bc he wouldnt forgive himself. He actually told me one time that when I said " I really dont want anything bad to happen to "name"'s baby" what he heard was "I really dont want anything to happen to "name"'s baby, but I wouldnt be dealing with this if i twerent for you you lying cheating selfish son of a *itch" His guilt consumed him to the point where he didnt want to deal with me bc I reminded him of the horrible thing he did to me. He couldnt look me in the eye and he figured what is the point? I already screwed up and I cant change it.<P>Eventually he was able to forgive himself and when he did that we were able to move on. But during that time (and really still to this day) he gets angry if it is brought up and he will sometimes get so defensive he will tell me "that is your sh*t..that is in your head" and of course all that does is piss me off.<P>Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let you know I understand and if you can figure out why he is still so defensive you can start from there. How long have you known?<P>Good Luck and God Bless...

This halloween marks the day I found out that the OW was pregnant. I remember it well, we were done taking the kids trick or treating. I have received an emial from her, saying that she and her friends were going out for the evening, and going to put mixed drinks in a bottle, as they were going to dress up like babies. He had seen this email, and on the way to Pizza Hut, he simply said, I don't know why she would be drinking, she said she was pregnant. That was it, all that was said. I emailed and asked her, and never heard. Until, I was on my way to an ultra sound. To back track alittle,on Nov 2 I was working, and I was 4 mths pregnant, and I started bleeding, I was rushed to the doctor, and, I thought I had lost the baby, but it just turned out to be a blood clot in the uterous, which was bigger than the baby at the time. Any way to make a long story short, oh on an after note, we tried to located him the day I started bleeding, later I found out, that he wasn't answering his phone because he was in the process of doing her. Needless to say I have a very rough pregnancy with this child, I had ultra sounds every two weeks, at one time they wanted me to consider, not going on with the pregnancy, as I had 3 other children at home that needed me. But. Thank God, everything turned out ok, I have a healthy baby boy now. Any how, I was rambling, I found out forsure that she was pregnant, because she told me to stop by and pick up his check book. And when I did, I was handed a note from the doc. saying she was infact pregnant. I left, and went to the hosp. to have my ultrasound, and he showed up..Well, I threw his check book at him, and the note, (which I later went in his van and got) and told him that he would not be allowed to be in the ultrasound room with me. I have known for a year, but Jan 20 was the last time they slept togeather. Sorry that was so long, but it felt good to get it out.

<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: echo ]</p>

Does he just totally refuse to talk about it with you or what? Does he blame you for his actions or does he just kinda "forget" he did it?<P>I take it ow was a friend of yours...how sickening!<P>You must have a LOT of anger just knowing where he was at certain times. I was not pregnant when my H had his affair...I had already had our baby. But ow told me they were together on our anniversary, christmas, etc. (we were in 2 diff states bc of army)<BR>I had a hard time with that information. Sometimes I still get totally disgusted by it!<P>Are you and your H still living together and everything?

So your H says that the A doesn't really affect you? How does he figure that?<P>Mine is of the mind set that it's over, forget it, grow-up, move on. I mean, gee, it has been an entire three weeks since I found out. He figures that since it ended before I even found out that it really shouldn't be any big deal at all. <P>He has moments of showing remorse. Monday he told me he was sorry without inserting "but" leading to it all being my fault. That's a real big step for him. I know he feels badly and regrets what he has done, but if he doesn't act like it or outwardly show it to me, it's kind of hard to remember. <P>I don't ask any more questions. It doesn't mean I don't think them, but every time I hear something new that I didn't know, or when I start thinking back to "you said you were here, but in reality you were with her", it just sends me back to square 1 emotionally.

PamO, we must be sharing a H because you have described my H's feelings exactly. As the participant who is now tired of the game of A, he thinks the best thing we can do is "live in the present", "forget the past" and "move on".<P>There are those rare moments when he really does seem to show remorse, and sometimes I believe that his remorse is deeper than he lets on. Men have such a hard time expressing their true feelings. I believe that sometimes their avoidance is their way of protecting themselves against hurt.<P>H and I argued non-stop last night and this morning over telephone calls that he made to the ex-OW over the past few months to check up on the OC -- after telling me that he was not going to have any contact at all.<P>If he is concerned about the OC, then I wish he would tell me and we can work out a plan together. But I can't make him understand that he is providing support for the ex-OW not the OC when he continues to have these friendly conversations with her.<P>Everytime we have one of these "chats" about her, we are back to square one as if D-day was yesterday. Sometimes it seems like the hurt and the bewilderment never end!!!<P>- Heavenly

Yes, me and my H still live togeather. I can say that it is not easy, by any means. He does a combo of both, he blames it on me, when I get to mad, or upset. And other times he refuses to talk about it at all. Its almost like he really don't think he did anything wrong. I swear if I have to hear from him one more time, I understand...ect..I will scream, what can he possibly understand about what I am going through. He even goes as far as to tell me that I like this, I enjoy this. I dont enjoy this, I just want it to end.

It is absolutely difficult to get pass the hurts that the WS wants to leave behind alpronto. Although my WS knows it is absolutely wrong to have sex with the Chinless Banshee despite being blackmailed, he too wanted to go forward, make the marriage even better than before. But sooner or later the trauma of guilt, self-condemnation will eat at them, and it is showing in many ways and I will insist that he goes see a therapist to get out those unresolved feelings that he refused to confront. The anger, the humiliation, the stress, the violence, all these need to be released and suppressing is not a healthy way to go about that.<P>I hope your H sees a counsellor with you to rebuild the marriage. I also feel that you have to face reality head on about the OW and OC so that you deal with your feelings about the whole situation and not suppress or repress but to EXPRESS in a assertive, diplomatic way your rights in this matter.<P>God Bless<BR>weep