hi, there has always been three people in our M. Me, H and his mom.He is an only child, and MIL is very controlling. I got pregnant in my teens, MIL was livid and made H tell me to abort. I kept baby, and soon H left his mom to live with me. from that point on its been he$#.She wanted to pop over every day without calling, wanted to take baby abroad on her own. when we refuse, she makes threats, crys etc. H has never stood up to her and often blamed me for stopping his mum being happy. she drove a wedge between us. this caused many arguments. we lost a baby, and H even let her take over funeral. she refuses to acknowledge me, yet expects to see our kids on her terms. H went away last year for job training and had an affair. now we are in MC and counselor says we need to put boundaries in place. H swears he is gonna stand up to her now. i guess i wondered if anyone else has faced this issue and how you handled it, or general advice, thanks.

Hi angeldust,

Not sure if I'm qualified to give you advice on this one...I've been married 2x and lucked with real nice PIL's both times. But I have watched one MIL in action that sounds just like you describe - my grandmother (my Dad's mother). She was one wonderful G'mum...but one total terror of a MIL, from all accounts.

By the time I was around, her jabs were pretty subtle and often to do with us kids. My Dad had stood up to her by then and she was afraid to lose his affection (only child). My Mom's sister told me he just took her (G'mum) aside right at a family gathering one day when she was being really horrid, gave her a big hug and told her something that changed her behavior immediately. Don't know what it was, but I do know that any time she had objections about how we were being raised, he was considerate and polite and listened...and then said very sweetly "Thanks for caring about that, Mother - Barb and I will have to think about doing that" (or words to that effect - always emphasizing that they'd decide as a couple what they would do). I think your H will have to accept that he'll have to position himself 'on your side' and probably keep on doing that - but can do it nicely, doesn't have to be a big scene every time.

Mom used to try to "do nice things" for G'mum, too - have her favorite candies in a dish when she came over, offer cushions and footstools, etc. G'mum didn't appreciate it like she should - but I could see that DAD appreciated the efforts Mom was making. I think he figured out that his mother wasn't going to have liked anyone he married - sounds like your H's mother may be the same.

Hope your H is able to see that he could lose you and gain nothing if he doesn't stand up to her and that he doesn't have to lose anything if he does. Sounds as though he's beginning to admit that he's going to have to do this and that the fault is not on your side. Will pray he can be strong and you can stay the course and be supportive. From what I saw in my family, a "truce" may be all that's ever achieved - but a truce is all that's needed to let you share the same man in your different roles. Sounds to me as though all you're asking is that he protect you from the worst of it and show you he appreciates you handling the rest - and I think you sure deserve that!

I, too, have had MIL issues. One of the key things here is for both you and your H to treat your M as a third person who's interests MUST be protected.

1.) You and your H should not disagree about how to handle your MIL in front of her. She will see this rift and use it to her gain.
2.) Stress RESPECT. Your MIL doesn't have to like you (and you don't have to like her), but you should tender EACH OTHER with respect. Express to your H that you treat her with respect (and if you don't, begin to do so), and you expect to be treated with respect in return.
3.) You BOTH need boundries. "This is my child, and I will handle the arrangements for his/her funeral." DO NOT debate it. It's your family and your house. You do not have to justify your actions to her. If she tries to argue, that's fine. Do NOT respond. Do not justify, defend, or retaliate.

If you want treated with respect you must act as if you expect it and deserve it.

Thankyou both for replies. You gave excellent advice, which I'm sure will help. It was very useful to hear points from the grandchild perspective. we have arranged to meet MIL for talk. hopefully, we can sort something out. thanks x